My Forever

by J. L. Perry

  “Mr Cavanagh,” the officer says calmly, “I’m here to inform you that the said vehicle has been involved in an accident.”

  I sit there for a few seconds, trying to process what he has just said. “Was it serious?”

  “I’m sorry to inform you, Mr Cavanagh, but it was a fatal accident.” I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

  “What do you mean by fatal?” I ask. “Are you telling me that Chris didn’t survive the accident?”

  “I am sorry, Mr. Cavanagh,” he replies. “Mr. Brown was pronounced dead at the scene.”

  I run my shaking hands through my hair. No, this can’t possibly be true. There has to be a mistake. I hear Claire gasp so I look up at her. She has her hands over her mouth and tears are filling her eyes.

  Fucking hell!

  “Where have they taken him?” I ask in shock. “I want to go and see him.” I doubt what they have just told me, and I need to see for myself. Fuck, Chris was one of my best friends. His was like family to me and Brooke. God, she is not going to take this well. If this is a bad dream, I want to fucking wake up.

  “Mr Cavanagh?” he says. “He had a passenger with him.”

  I look over at him. “What do you mean a passenger?!” I ask in horror.

  “There was a female passenger in the car. She’s heavily pregnant with long brown hair, probably in her mid-twenties. We couldn’t find any identification on her. Do you know who she might be?”

  This cannot be fucking happening!

  “Oh, fuck,” I whisper as I cradle my head in my hands. My life suddenly feels like it is crashing down around me. How can I be totally happy and content one minute, and in total despair the next? Claire stands up from her chair. Thankfully, she can see that I’m currently not in any position to answer the officer’s question.

  “Her name is Brooke. She is Mr. Cavanagh’s wife. Please tell me she is okay,” she pleads. Part of me needs to know the answer to Claire’s question, but the other part of me isn’t prepared to hear what he has to say.

  “Please let her be okay. Please let her be okay,” I whisper.

  “She was still alive at the scene,” he explains. “She was unconscious and was taken to the hospital. I’m afraid her condition was listed as critical. Please come with us, sir,” the officer adds sympathetically as he reaches for my arm. “We will escort you to the hospital.”

  I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience. My head is spinning. This can’t be happening. Not now, not to my Brooke.

  “What about the baby?” I ask softly.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know any more than what I’ve already told you. Can you please come with us, Mr. Cavanagh? You can find out more when you arrive at the hospital.”

  I look over at Claire, who is sobbing now. “Claire, can you please call my mother?” There is no way I can face this on my own. As I follow the officers out of the building, I am suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

  I don’t even remember the ride to the hospital. My body feels like it is on autopilot as I follow the officers into the building.

  One of the officers walks over to the desk and speaks with the nurse. She looks over at me and I can see sympathy written all over her face. She turns and speaks with a man, who I presume is a doctor. He makes his way towards me.

  “Please tell me she is okay,” I plead, my voice cracking. “Can I see her?”

  He guides me into a small room. I feel like I am going to be sick.

  “Please tell me she is still alive,” I whisper. My wife and my child are my whole life, and the thought of losing either one is too much to bear.

  “Are you her next of kin?” he asks.

  “I am her husband,” I reply. My heart is beating rapidly as I wait for his response.

  “Your wife is still alive,” he says, “but her condition is critical. My main concern at the moment is the foetus. It’s distressed. We need to do an emergency caesarean. If we don’t, the baby will not survive.”

  Just then, my mother and uncle come rushing through the door. Thank god. I need someone with me who can make a rational decision because, right now, I don’t think I am capable of doing anything.

  “I need your permission to operate,” the doctor says. “We don’t have much time. There is a chance that your wife may not survive the procedure, but I can assure you that we will do everything possible to make sure that doesn’t happen.” I feel my knees buckle underneath me as my uncle grabs hold of my arm.

  “I am her father,” he says. “Please just do whatever you need to do.” The doctor looks at me like he is waiting for my permission, but I can’t answer him.

  “Okay,” he says with a nod. “Please wait in here and I will come back and talk with you soon.” I can hear my mother crying, but I still can’t speak.

  I look around the room in a panic. I notice a small bin sitting in the corner. After making my way towards it, I pick it up just in time as I start to vomit. This can’t be happening. Just a few short hours ago, I was the happiest man alive. Now my whole existence is dangling by a thread, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

  My uncle guides me over to a seat so I can sit down. I put my head in my hands. My whole body feels numb. A few minutes later, the door opens. I look up as my father and sister come into the room.

  “Is she okay?” Michelle asks. She is crying, too. Fuck, I can’t deal with this shit right now. I still can’t speak because my life is crumbling around me. I feel so helpless. My mother approaches her, but I don’t hear what she says.

  One of the police officers comes into the room. “Mr Cavanagh,” he says. “I am sorry to disturb you, but we need some information on Christopher Brown.” I look up at him. I don’t want to deal with this now, but I need to do this for Chris. Thoughts of his mother immediately come to mind. This is going to be hard on her. She is old and frail. How does a mother cope with the death of her only child? With everything I am facing right now, I can say with certainty…not fucking good.

  I know where they can find her because I paid for her to be placed into the best nursing home Chris and I could find. At first, he refused to let me help him, but I insisted. Putting his mother into full-time care was a difficult decision for him to make. The least I could do was get her the best care money could buy—anything to help make this decision easier for him. He had been a loyal employee, as well as a great friend. I wanted to help him any way I could.

  I relay all the information I have on Chris to the officer. I tell him that his next of kin is his mother, and I explain that she is elderly and frail and living in a nursing home. If I wasn’t in my present predicament, I would deliver the sad news myself, but I don’t want to leave Brooke. I can’t. I will go and see her when I get a chance to make sure she is alright. It is the least I could do for my dear friend. After her husband died five years ago, Chris was all she had left in the world. This news will devastate her.

  After the officer thanks me and leaves the room, I start to pace. I feel like I am going out of my mind. My mother approaches me and starts to rub my back. My first thought is to push her hand away because this isn’t helping. Nothing is. I can’t even bring myself to look at her. I feel so helpless. It is taking so long. Why is it taking so fucking long? I need to know what is happening. My eyes drift over to my uncle. He looks exactly how I feel—like shit!

  Why is this happening? Hasn’t Brooke been through enough? Fuck, if anyone needs a break in life, it is her. I want to pray for her, but I don’t because I am too angry. If there is a god up there, I can’t believe he would put her through more suffering. The thought makes me want to scream. Brooke doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve any of the shit that life has dealt her. She is the kindest and most caring person I know.

  My dad stands up. “I’ll go and see if there is any news,” he says, placing his hand on my shoulder before leaving the room. He comes back into the room a few minutes later. He shakes his head. “No news yet.”

  My mother guides me
back over to the chair to sit down. I don’t want to sit down, but I let her do it. I know my family loves Brooke, too. This can’t be easy for them, either.

  I don’t know how much time has passed, but it seems like eternity. A nurse enters the room. My heart drops out of my chest as I look up at her. “Mr Cavanagh,” she says and I nod as she walks towards me. She passes me a little bundle that she has in her hand. “Congratulations,” she says. “You have a beautiful little daughter.”

  I look down at the little bundle in my hands. She is beautiful, just like her mother. She has the same cute little nose and big pouty lips as Brooke. I pull her in tight and start to cry.

  “How is my wife?” I ask in a whisper.

  “The doctor is still with her,” she kindly explains. “He will come up and speak with you soon.”

  “Is she still alive?” I choked out. I am scared to hear the answer, but I need to know.

  “She was when I left her, Mr. Cavanagh.”

  “Thank god,” I whisper.

  “I can’t tell you anything more I’m afraid,” she says, as she puts her hand on my shoulder. “You will have to wait for the doctor.”

  She leaves the room. I can still feel the tears running down my face as I look down at my daughter. This isn’t the way it is supposed to happen. Brooke should be here with me but, instead, she is fighting for her life.

  Sometimes life…fucking…sucks.

  I look over at my family. They are all just staring at me. I’m sure they want to see the baby, but I’m not ready to let her go just yet. She is my only link to Brooke right now. I look back down at her. She has the sweetest little face I have ever seen. She has these chubby little cheeks. I lean down and kiss her.

  “Hello, my little angel,” I whisper. She opens her eyes and looks at me. She has big brown eyes, just like Brooke. “I love you.”

  God, she is so tiny. She is just looking up at me. I remember when Brooke was pregnant and she said that the baby recognised my voice. She told me that every time I spoke, the baby would move. I wonder if that is why she is looking at me now.

  My mother comes over and kneels beside me. “She is beautiful, sweetheart,” she says, then kisses my cheek. I don’t look at her because I don’t know what to say. This is such a bittersweet moment. This is, without doubt, the best and worst day of my life.

  A few minutes later, the nurse comes in holding a bottle. “Would you like to feed her?” she asks. I can’t talk because I feel like I am ready to break, so I just nod. If my little girl needs food, I am going to give it her.

  “Do you know how my wife is?” I ask again, and she says that the doctor should be here soon. The nurse gives me a crash course on how to hold the bottle, and my little girl latches on and starts sucking as soon as I put it in her mouth. She is so adorable with her chubby little cheeks moving as she drinks. I feel the tears rising to my eyes again. God, I would give anything to have Brooke here to share this moment with me.

  I don’t know how I will be able to go on if something happens to her. I don’t want to think of that now because it is just unimaginable. Regardless what happens today or tomorrow, my little angel needs her daddy. As hard as this is, I need to stay strong for her.

  She finishes the bottle in no time, then closes her eyes to go back to sleep.

  “You need to burp her,” Michelle says. I look up at my family and they are all still staring at me. I don’t know what she is talking about. She gets up off her chair and sits beside me.

  “Give her to me,” she says. “If you don’t burp her, she will get pains in her stomach.” I don’t want my angel in any pain, so I hand her over. I’m not ready to let go of her yet, but I don’t really have a choice.

  Michelle looks down at her. “Oh, my god. She is beautiful. She looks just like Brooke.” I look at her and she has tears rolling down her cheeks. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but the longer it takes to hear any news, the harder I am finding it to not break down.

  The doors open a while later and the doctor walks in. I quickly stand up, and so does my uncle. “How is she?” I ask, but I am terrified. I’m not sure if I want to hear his answer.

  “She survived the C-section,” he explains. “The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours will be critical. She is not out of the woods yet. Have a seat, Mr. Cavanagh.” He then sits down opposite me. I run my fingers through my hair.

  “We have put her into an induced coma,” he says. “She has some swelling on her brain, and a fracture to her skull. The coma will help her body recover quicker. We have done a MRI and a CT scan, and all the damage is to the left side of her body. Your wife also has a broken arm, a few broken ribs, and a collapsed left lung. Her shoulder was dislocated, and she has a small fracture on her left collarbone.”

  My head is spinning. The doctor continues, “We won’t know if there is any permanent brain damage until the swelling goes down and she comes out of her coma. She is in Intensive Care at the moment and on life support. Would you like to see her?”

  I quickly stand up. “Please, I would love to see her.”

  “She can only have one visitor at a time,” he says. I nod at him, then look down at my angel. I am torn. As much as I need to go and be with my wife, I don’t want to leave my little girl.

  “We will look after her,” my mum says. “Go. Brooke needs you now.”

  My uncle stands up. I can tell he wants to see her, too. “Just let me see her first,” I say. “Then I will let you go in.”

  He nods at me. “Thanks, kiddo. I appreciate it.”

  I feel sick to my stomach as I follow the doctor. I don’t know what to expect, but my worst nightmare could not have prepared me for what I see when I walk into the room. I feel a sob escape me as I walk over to the bed. She has numerous tubes and wires coming out of her body. Seeing her like this tears my heart apart.

  I can feel the tears running down my face as I look down at her. I want to touch her, but she looks so bruised and broken. I’m scared I am going to hurt her. The doctor pulls over a chair and puts it beside the bed for me.

  “She is young and fit,” he says. “If anyone can survive this, she can.” I look over at him. I know he is trying to give me some hope and, at this moment, I will take anything I can get. I thank him before he leaves the room.

  Before I sit down, I lean over and kiss her forehead. She has a large tube coming out of her mouth. It is attached to a machine, which I know is helping her breathe. There is a bandage around her head, and the left side of her face is all bruised and swollen. It is a hard thing to see. She still looks beautiful to me, but seeing her like this breaks my heart. The rest of her body is covered by a sheet that is pulled up to her shoulders.

  “I love you, baby,” I whisper, gently running my hand down the right side of her face. “Please fight because I can’t live without you.” I put my head on the side of the bed next to her face and start to sob. I slide my hand under the sheet so I can hold her right hand. I need to touch her, to feel her.

  I don’t know how long I sit there with her, but I know it has been a while. Even though I promised my uncle he could see her, the thought of leaving her is unbearable. I know that he loves his daughter so I know I have to give him some time with her. Plus, it will give me a chance to go and get my daughter. She needs to be here with me and her mother. We are a family now and we need to be together.

  I kiss her before I leave. “I will be back soon, baby,” I assure her. “Your dad wants to come in and see you.” My heart is secretly willing her to wake up, but the doctor said that the induced coma will help her heal quicker. I need to wait until her body is ready, but it is going to be hard. I just hope she can get through the next forty-eight hours.

  I begrudgingly walk towards the door of her room. When I open it, my uncle is already standing outside, waiting for me to come out. There is concern etched all over his face. “How is she?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “She looks ter
rible,” I choke out. I feel the tears rise to my eyes again.

  My uncle puts his arms around me and pats my back. “She is a fighter, kiddo. If anyone can survive this, she can.”

  Fuck, I hope so.

  “I know. It’s just hard to see her like this. I feel so helpless. On our wedding day, I promised her that I would protect her. I’ve let her down.”

  “Don’t say that,” my uncle sadly says. “This is nobody’s fault. It was just a terrible accident. No one could have prevented it.” He pats me on the back again. “Stay strong. She needs you now more than ever. So does your daughter.”

  I look at him. “You’re right,” I reply as I wipe my eyes. “It’s just hard. She doesn’t deserve this.”

  “You’re right. She doesn’t deserve this,” he says. “None of us do.” He is just as devastated by this as I am. “Thank you for giving me a granddaughter,” he whispers. “She is beautiful.”

  I nod, a small smile forming on my lips. “She is, isn’t she? Just like her mother.”

  What should be the happiest day of my life is marred by devastation. If the circumstances were different, I would be beaming right now. “Go on in and see Brooke,” I say. “I am going to go and get my daughter.” As soon as he walks into the room, I make my way back to the Emergency Department.

  When I walk back into the room that my family was in, Claire is here now. She gives me a sympathetic smile, but I can also see the concern on her face. Claire and Brooke have become good friends. She reaches into her bag and passes me my mobile phone. “You left this at the office and I thought you might need it,” she says, and I nod at her.

  “Where is my daughter?” I ask.

  “The nurse took her back to the nursery. She said you can go up there and get her whenever you are ready,” my mother replied. “How is Brooke, honey?” I run my fingers through my hair and sit down beside her. I am trying hard to compose myself so I don’t break down when I speak.