SURGE
Page 24
"I care!" Bo screams so loud his voice echoes.
"All we care about is that you're alive. Period. And to be honest, no, I don't think she deserves someone like you. At least not the guy you've become. You're ruining her, Bo. And you don't care. And ya know what?" He lets out a chuckle. "You're ruining me. Jo. The kids miss you. It's shit, Bo. It's shit that you think you're alone in all this."
"You don't seem to realize this is a favor, Brandt. I'm doing you all a favor. My piss poor attitude ain't changing and I'm saving y’all from it. So it's better for your kids to grow up not knowing me anymore. It's better for Kinlee to find a love that will appreciate—" He stops and I hear the hitch in his voice.
I swipe away a tear and take a deep breath. Bo crying isn't anything I thought I'd ever see again, but maybe that means we're getting through to him.
I round the corner, coffee mug tight in my grip, and glare at him. "You used to appreciate me," I whisper. "What the hell did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much?"
"It ain't you I hate, darlin'. I think it's time you two leave." That’s the most he's said to me in the past year and they make me want to vomit.
"I'm not leaving until you explain something to me, Bobby Hart," I growl, slamming my cup down and sitting in front of him. Brandt's chest is heaving and he's standing there like he's about to flip the table. "I cared for you. I still fucking care for you. Too much, if you ask me, but that's what true love is. True love doesn't just end. You don't stop caring for someone like that. You don't walk away from the best thing you've got because you feel sorry for yourself. That's what this is, right? You feelin' sorry for yourself?" I swallow down the knot in my throat. "So you either lied when you said you loved me, or you lied when you're sayin’ you don't. Because it doesn't work this way!" I wave my arms around, yelling by the end because the look he's giving me makes me want to scream.
His hand slaps down at the table and he grits his teeth before standing on his left leg. He's fucking standing! The entire year here he's never shown this much of an attempt that he wants to work toward getting better. But he's fucking standing! When he stumbles the slightest, I gasp and Brandt reaches out but Bo slaps his hand away.
"If I can't like myself, how the fuck can you expect me to love you? I have no love for anything anymore. Get the fuck out!" His voice roars.
"I'm not fucking leaving!" I stand and grab his hand, bringing it to my cheek and holding it there, then place my other hand on his face. His touch isn't filled with the same love it used to be. What happened to my cowboy? Where the hell did he go? "You can't just push me away. And I'm not giving up on us, Bo," I whisper, letting a tear streak down my cheek. It's useless holding them back anymore. "I love you."
His eyes drop to mine and there's no light in them like there used to be. He looks hollow. "Leave, Kinlee. Move on with your life. It ain't me anymore."
"Never gonna happen, cowboy," I squeak, tears streaming down my face. I push my lips to his hand and squeeze my eyes closed. When I open them, his gaze is locked on my face and his thumb starts to swipe away a tear, so gently I almost don't notice, but it happened and it makes hope soar in my heart that maybe he's still in there.
A knock on the door kills the moment and Bo pulls his arm back, letting it drop.
"Time for check in," the orderly says, opening the door like this isn't a private room.
Brandt's eyes fly between the two of us and he clears his throat. "We'll be goin'," he says, practically pulling me away from Bo.
For the first time in a year, Bo touched me...on purpose.
I storm out to the car, almost having to run after Brandt. I'm not certain I've ever seen him this mad, but I can't take my mind off of that small, but huge, event back there.
Brandt starts the car and as I buckle he grips the steering wheel tight, staring out the windshield. I rest my hand on his arm when he seems to drift into his own little world. His eyes hit mine and he shakes his head.
"This is it for me, Kinlee. I can't keep doing this." He takes a deep breath, the twitch of his jaw breaks my heart because I know how much stress this is putting on him.
"We can't give up on him, Brandt. We're all he has." I shift in my seat.
"He doesn't want us. He's made it perfectly clear." He laughs harshly. "Kinlee, you understand that man in there is not the man we know. Maybe he was right. That guy did die on the operating table. He's a shell. He hates his life. He hates us. Hell, he's making me hate him and I'd rather not live the rest of my life hating my best friend."
"He'll come around. He wouldn't have lived through everything he did just to end up like this the rest of his life, Brandt." How could he be giving up on Bo? He's Bo! They've been best friends longer than any of us!
"I don't know. Maybe the good Lord messed up. Maybe he shouldn't have lived th—"
"Stop," I blurt, not even wanting him to finish the sentence. "Once you say it, you can't take it back. Trust me. I've thought it too...that shit would be easier. But it wouldn't be. We have a fighting chance with him, Brandt. If he died, we'd never have gotten this chance."
He pauses and watches me before shaking his head. "I think we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, Kinlee. I'm sorry. I just don't see it ever happening."
I swallow back the tears that threaten and shift in my seat, staring out the window. "You're fucking wrong, Brandt."
"I sure hope so. For your sake. But if I'm not...maybe it's time you think about getting your own place."
"Maybe it's time you take me home, Brandt. I can't talk to you about this anymore." I take a deep breath and steel myself for my future. Bo's my future. And now I have to fight for him alone.
And honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on like this. I need my cowboy.
I need my Bo back.
When Kinlee shows up and Brandt’s in tow, I’m not sure I can take this anymore. I need to get through to him. I don’t mind the messages he leaves me every few weeks, and I respond to his occasional texts, but he’s gotta let go of the idea of me coming home. Brandt’s my oldest friend and Kinlee’s my only weakness, put them in a room together and I’m not sure I can withstand the façade that my stone exterior is hollow on the inside. I don’t mean to, but I crack and for the first time since I woke up in the hospital, I cry. But by the end of me telling them to leave me the hell alone, I think Brandt gets the picture.
He doesn’t call or text, and Kinlee shows up alone the following month. She’s quieter than she’s been in a long time and I think I’m finally getting through to her. I haven’t seen Will or Wendy since Wendy showed up over a year ago, but when they come through my door, I smile. We’ve kept in contact, and as far as I know, they haven’t told their sister.
God, they look so different. They’re in their senior year and it’s time to decide on colleges and that’s why they’re here.
“Kinlee will know,” Wendy says with worry.
I’m paying for their schooling, no matter where they decide to go, but she’s right, Kinlee will try and pay for it and if they tell her it’s already taken care of, she’ll figure it out.
“We can just say financial aid’s covering it.” Will shrugs and looks between us.
“I’m not okay with y’all lying to your sister, but I think that’s the only way.”
Wendy snorts and rolls her eyes. “You’re not okay with us lying to her?” She cocks her eyebrow. “What do you think we’ve been doing for the last year and a half, numb nuts?”
I furrow my brows and let out a growl. “Watch your mouth talking to me like that, Wendy.”
The smile on her face confuses the hell out of me and when Will starts to laugh, I look between them, getting even more pissed.
“What the hell are you two laughing at?”
“You still care,” Wendy says like a smartass.
“I never stopped caring,” I snap.
“Yeah, so why do you keep pretending you’re empty, Bo? This is getting old.” She huffs and inspects her nails.
“Community,” they say at the same time and it’s still eerie they say the same things at the same time.
“Community? Where? In the city by home?”
“Yeah, we’ll move closer to the city. We don’t want to be far from Kinlee or the Kenshaws.”
“We’re going to go to Liberty, Bo.”
“I’ll pay for you to go to college anywhere you want,” I remind them.
“Did you hear me?” Will says like I’m dense. “We’re not going to abandon our family. We’re going to Liberty.”
I look away from him. They both get in subtle jabs any chance they can, but I deserve them, and I’ve become an expert at hiding how much they hurt.
“Yeah, sounds good. You two will have access to your accounts on your eighteenth birthday. If you spend that money before you graduate, I will come back to town to whoop you both,” I threaten and they laugh.
“I’d like to see you try,” Wendy taunts. “We turn eighteen three months before we graduate. I don’t think you could wheel that chair to the airport before we can spend eighty grand a piece.”
I grit my teeth and grip the table. I didn’t stand on my own until the day I asked Kinlee and Brandt to leave me the hell alone, and since then, I’ve been pushing my limits, but I’m not getting cocky about it, so I haven’t told the kids. Clutching tight to the ledge, I slowly stand and stare down at them with menace.
“Try me,” I growl and Wendy bursts into laughter, jumping to her feet and squealing while she bounces in circles.
Not until Will gets up and yanks me into a hug do I let my scowl break into a smile and I hug him back, almost able to lift my right arm, but it’s not strong enough yet.
“You’ll be home in no time, you stubborn asshole,” Will says and grips my arms, making sure I’m steady before he lets me go.
“Don’t count on it.” I lower my shaking body into the chair, but keep the smile on my face because I did it.
“Whatever you say. We gotta go before Kinlee catches onto us. She thinks we’re staying the weekend at the Kenshaws’ and Jo said she’d cover our asses if Kinlee showed up, but being fifteen hours away makes me nervous.”
I glance at the clock, hating they were only here a few hours but they shouldn’t be hiding this from their sister. But at the same time, I told them not to tell her.
“Your sister get a job besides workin’ at the school?” I ask, wondering what she’s doing for money because she hasn’t touched my accounts since I’ve been here.
“What do you care?” Wendy smirks at me over her shoulder while she throws away our takeout containers.
“Just want to make sure y’all are financially taken care of.”
“You just keep paying the mortgage and we’re fine.” She sticks her tongue out.
“The house is paid off.” I mimic her, sticking out my tongue.
“I love you, Bo. I’ll text you every few hours.” She kisses my cheek then glances at Will before exiting.
Will’s standing next to me with his hands in his pockets and he glances at the closed door before he rubs the back of his neck. “Come home, Bo.” His eyes hit mine and I huff. “Kinlee’s… She’s not the same anymore. She don’t get much joy from nothin’ anymore.” When I don’t respond, he mutters, “Love you, Bo.”
She’s almost cracked. That means she’s almost moved on.
When I see Kinlee again, she walks in with her eyes swimming in tears. She heads right for me while I sit at the table going over the reports for my wheat farm. Her arms wrap around me and she breaks down in tears. My right arm shakes when I try to lift it to hold her and I’m grateful I can barely move it because it reminds me I can’t show her compassion. She cries on my shoulder for a few minutes before she lets go then drags one of the other chairs next to mine. She empties her bag and sets out two plates of food. Clutching my right hand tight in her left, she eats with her free hand, crying the entire time. I don’t touch my food. I refuse to turn my head to look at her, but I watch her in my peripheral. She’s lost a lot of weight, but she’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She’s hiccupping through tears but continues to eat her food and I have to bite my tongue so I don’t ask her why she’s so upset. Last time she was here she was angry with me, as expected, but she hasn’t cried like this in a few months.
When she finishes her food, she throws away her garbage before pulling the chair back to where it sits. She bends toward me and when she softly kisses my lips, her tears dampen my cheeks. Her arms wrap around my neck and she hugs me hard, crying through it until she whispers, “Bye, Bo,” in my ear, then leaves.
My body erupts in tingles and it’s painful enough to make me grunt. Something about that felt different than any other time she’s been here.
It takes two months for me to realize what was so different. She finally gave up. She didn’t just mean goodbye until next month, she meant goodbye for life. I haven’t seen her in two months. My phone hasn’t illuminated with a picture of her face in two months. I never answered her texts or calls in the past, and right now I’m missing them. She finally gave up… She let me go. She actually moved on. I keep laughing about it because this is what I wanted, but fuck, it hurts like a motherfucker. At least before, I knew I could expect a call or text. I could expect her to show up once a month, but not anymore. And now…now, I don’t think this is what I want. By month four of nothing from her, I realize this isn’t what I wanted.
I thought I was actually letting her go, but knowing she’d show up monthly always put a comfort inside of me. Seeing her call come through always reassured me she wasn’t giving up. Her absence is breaking me in the way I wanted to break her. I wanted her to go away, move on, be happy. But now that she is, I can’t stomach it.
I’m a sorry son of a bitch. I don’t deserve that woman, but if I can walk across this room…I glance to the other side of the room…if I can walk it, I’m going to get my girl back. Grabbing my crutch, I shakily stand on my legs and take in a deep breath. I’m pouring sweat by the time I make it to the bed and I look over at the mess I left when I got up today. It’d be so easy to give up. Get in bed and sleep away the pain my body’s in from taking those steps, but when I look toward the door, I see Kinlee. It’s not really her, but if I make it to that door, I know I can make it through this life with her. Two hours and I’m panting but I slide down the door and lean my head back, closing my eyes.
I have to fix this. I have to get my girl back. I guess subconsciously I never thought she’d give up, as much as I thought I wanted her to, but now that she has, a year and half later, I’m not ready to let her go.
“Fuck,” I groan, not sure I can make it across the room to my phone, but I have to call Brandt.
I’m much stronger than when I came in here, but I’m not nearly as strong as I was before any of this happened. I’ve gained some muscle back because I push my body as much as I can, and if I keep pushing like I just did to cross this room, I know I’ll be able to walk without breaking a sweat again. And that’s the point I need to get to before I go home. Go home to my girl.
Fuck, I hope she’s still my girl when I get home.
When I walk into my house, I expect sixteen-year-old twins to run for me. I expect a beautiful blonde to be wearing a grin because she's happy to see me and she’s thinking about all the dirty things she wants to do to me. What I walk into is dark, and cold. I'm so tired of dark and cold.
No one lives here anymore. Doesn't look like Kinlee's lived here in a while. The twins are away at college but they’ve been here. They told me they stay every other weekend and come four to five times a week after classes to care for the animals that are left. The bull’s been long gone, according to the twins, but the stables look like they’re in good condition still. The house… well, the house doesn't look lived in. Kinlee's gone. Why would I think she wouldn't be?
Pulling down t
he long drive of the ranch, I can’t help but smile. I missed this place. I missed the hell out of these people. Nothing would make me happier than if the little Kenshaws came running out of that door screaming for Uncle Bo. But there's no one around. I get out of my car, really wishing I had a truck, but I don't think I'm ready to try and get in and out of a truck yet. Give it time and I’ll push for it.
First person I see is Brandt and I head toward him.
"Hey." I turn my backwards hat around to block the sun.
"Hey," he clips, not pausing his work long enough to glance over at me for even more than a second.
"So..." I glance around the ranch that's really quiet this morning. "Where are the kids? I have things for them." I thumb toward my car.
"I sent them to town with Grandma. Didn't want them runnin' into you and ruining how they feel ‘bout you." He tosses a bag of feed down from his truck and huffs. "Ain’t that what you said would be best?"
"Shit, Brandt." I drop my head and stare at my cane. I hate this thing, but I'd rather have it than be six feet under. "I'm sorry. What I did was selfish. Stupid. Pretty damn stupid, but I wasn't right in the damn head." I look up at him. "Why the hell would you want me around if I wasn't right in the head?"
He stops and wipes his brow, pulling off his hat and rubbing his head before he looks at me.
"Some of us here held on to hope that you'd find that right mind relatively quickly. You damn near ruined all you had left in this town, Bo."
"I know that. I have enough regrets right now. I told y’all I wasn't coming back, y’all didn't want to listen. I'm glad you didn't." I smirk and rub my jaw. "So now I'm back, but I ain't welcome? That what you're tellin' me?"
"Hell, fucker," he says, chuckling. "You really know how to mess with a person’s head, ya know?" He stares at me before glancing down at the cane. "You're movin' better than you were last time I saw you. Guess that's a good sign you're finally not gonna be a fuck-stick anymore?"
I chuckle. "It's one of the signs. I got a lot—"