by Honest Lee
“Ms. Linda, you’re being really confusing,” Mason said. He showed her the beginning of this chapter. “See? It says 13. It’s even listed in the table of contents! So it should be 13’s chapter.”
“I guess you’re right,” Ms. Linda said. “I can’t argue with the table of contents. Even if it really isn’t a table.”
13 was still adjusting to life as a human child. Sure, 13 had arms and legs like a Homo sapiens (that’s the scientific name for “human”) and wore clothes like its classmates, but 13 still thought of itself as a classroom.
“I’m not sure what kind of law I should make,” 13 said to Lily and Ava.
“Well, what do you want?” Lily asked.
“Yeah, make a law that you would like!” Ava added.
13 thought about this for a minute. Then it remembered its favorite thing in the world.…
13 took the royal podium and announced its new law. “From this day forth, every citizen of our fair country shall be mopped once a day!”
People were confused. 13 added, “I know you will love the mopping law. It’s going to be the best thing you’ve ever experienced. You won’t soon forget it!”
The crowd cheered. They didn’t know what “mopping” was or what it meant, but they couldn’t wait to have the best thing they’d ever experience.
Within the hour, people around the nation were chatting online, trying to guess what “mopping” meant. Some people thought it was a funny new word. Others thought it was an old word with a new meaning. But teachers pointed out that “mopped” was just an active past tense verb of “mop,” which means to clean something by wiping. Now everyone was just confused. “What does our king queen ruler 13 mean when it says we’ll all be mopped once a day?”
Well, when a former-classroom-turned-human-child said “mopped,” 13 literally meant mopped.
You see, back when 13 was still Classroom 13, its favorite part of each day was the end of the day—when Mr. Bernard (the school janitor) would come and mop the floors. After a day of being stomped on by dirty shoes and filthy feet, getting mopped was like a warm shower for a classroom floor. It was like being made brand-new again. A fresh start. After getting mopped, Classroom 13 smelled like lemon-pine and sparkled like a diamond. This made 13 feel like the prettiest room in school.
13—who was now a human (sort of), who was also now the king queen ruler—wanted to share this wonderful, clean, refreshing, pretty feeling with the whole world. Who wouldn’t want to have their whole body wiped with a mop and smell like lemon and pine? Who didn’t want to get mopped?
By royal decree, an army of janitors entered people’s homes and rubbed dirty mops all over people’s faces and bodies. One by one, house by house, the janitorial army marched across the nation, with old mops and buckets of brown-gray mop water.
It turns out that human people are not like classrooms. They do not like being mopped. And what works to make a floor shine does not work to make a person shine.
Instead, it made people look like wet dogs. Hair would become matted and clothes would get sticky with floor gunk and old gum. Some would find loose coins in their ears; others would get wet dust bunnies in their noses. Skin was left feeling slimy.
Everyone, everywhere, started to look like… well, dirty floors.
If you listen closely, you can still hear people screaming things like: “WHYYYYY????” Or, “EW!! MAKE IT STOP!!!” Or, “This is definitely NOT the best thing I’ve ever experienced!”
These yelling fits could be heard all the way to the castle, where 13 thought people were screaming with joy. This made 13 smile.
Yes, 13 had a lot to learn about being human.
CHAPTER 14
Jayden Jason
Jayden Jason James—known to many of his friends at school as Triple J—was called Jason at home. His brothers’ names were Jayden Justin, Jayden Jordan, and Jayden Jake. His sister’s name was Jayden Pink. Can you tell his parents really liked the name Jayden?
At home, Jason mowed the grass once a week. He hated this chore. Grass always got all in his clothes and made him super itchy. But mowing was the only way he could get his allowance—which was five dollars a week.
“Five dollars?!” he complained each time. “What can I buy with five dollars?”
“Not much,” his sister said.
“When I was your age, my allowance was one dollar a week,” his dad said.
“When I was your age, my allowance was one quarter a week,” his grandfather said.
“When I was your age, my allowance was one nothing a week. That’s right—I didn’t even get an allowance!” his great-grandfather said. “So be grateful!”
Jason was grateful.
(But he still wanted more money.)
So when he became king, Jason decided to do something about it—and not just for himself, but for all kids who needed more money. Jason called a big meeting in front of the castle. Thousands gathered to hear the new king’s decree.
“Hello, citizens! I’ve been thinking…” King Jason began. “Allowances are good, but they could be better. It’s always nice to have a little extra spending cash. That way you can get a slice of pizza, or go to the movies, or buy those cool new shoes—you know, the ones that your parents won’t buy you. But money is hard to come by. Especially when your dad makes you mow the grass for a meager five dollars a week.
“So, as of today, I am making a law: Every person—under the age of fifteen—gets a daily allowance of ten dollars!” King Jason declared. Everyone in the crowd—under the age of fifteen—cheered.
“Are you crazy?!” his advisors said, pulling him off the stage. “Ten dollars a day is seventy dollars a week, or three hundred dollars in an average month, or three thousand six hundred and fifty dollars a year—per person!”
“That doesn’t sound like a lot,” said Jason.
“There are over ten million children in this country. That means…” The advisors crunched numbers on their calculators to show him. The numbers kept getting bigger and bigger. The government was going to have to pay over $36,500,000,000 a year for his new law.…
Jason passed out for a second. When he woke up, he gulped and said, “That’s a lot of zeroes.”
“Of course it is,” his advisors said. “It’s over THIRTY-SIX BILLION dollars.”
Jason passed out again. When he woke up, he asked, “So what do I do?”
“Go out there and tell the people you take back that law.”
Jason looked at the crowd. All the kids were so happy and cheery. He didn’t want to ruin their day.
“I won’t do it,” he said. “I won’t take it back. You’ll just have to find some way to make it happen.”
“Fine. We’ll raise taxes,” the advisors said. And they did.
When Jason went to buy a slice of pizza, it cost two dollars. And the tax on it was also two dollars. When Jason went to buy a movie ticket for ten dollars, the tax was also ten dollars. When he went to buy that new pair of shoes he wanted (that his parents wouldn’t buy), they cost one hundred dollars. And the tax? Yup, another one hundred dollars.
“What gives?” Jason asked.
The advisors shrugged. “We made the taxes equal to everyone’s spending.”
Each and every person in the country was furious with Jason. Things were more expensive than ever. Food, gas, utilities, clothes, computers—everything was super-taxed!
He called another big meeting in front of the castle. This time, people threw slices of pizza and popcorn and old shoes at him.
When he got home, Benji and Fatima asked him to go to the movies. He looked in his pockets. He didn’t have enough. He asked, “Dad, can I have my allowance money?”
“Sure…” his dad said, “after you mow the grass.”
CHAPTER 15
Liam
When it came to pulling pranks, and farting, and causing all sorts of chaos in Classroom 13, Liam was a legend. He took pride in breaking rules and treated trouble like an art form. His s
chemes were his paintbrush, and the world was his canvas. (It was just one of the reasons he traded his pet llama for Chloe’s pet crocodile. Crocodiles were far more troublemaking than llamas.)
After watching his fellow classmates make a bunch of laws, Liam decided to break a bunch of laws.
Liam took to the castle balcony and looked out over his citizens. “I am your king, and I’m here with a new rule: There are no rules—not for me, I mean. I’m gonna break every law in this kingdom, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me!”
Cameras flashed. Reporters yelled out questions. But King Liam refused to answer anything. Instead, he unleashed his pet crocodile on all the newspeople. “Snack time, buddy!”
CHOMP! CHOMP!
(Don’t worry. The reporters all escaped with their lives—though, sadly, not with all of their toes.)
“Time to break my first law: public decency!” King Liam stripped off his clothes and ran through the town totally naked. He had no shame, waving to people as he passed (and flashed) them. As citizens gasped and covered their eyes in shock, Liam just laughed and wiggled his bottom.
One reporter caught it on camera, and they showed it on the news. Liam’s old British grandmum clutched her pearls. “Why, I’ve never seen such rude behavior! And to think we’re related!”
“Time for my next law breaking!” Liam said, farting his way toward the public pool. He walked right past a sign that read:
NO RUNNING! NO DIVING! NO SPLASHING!
AND ABSOLUTELY NO PEEING IN THE POOL!
King Liam ran, then dove into the water, then splashed, and then… you guessed it.
Then King Liam went on a nonstop crime spree. He littered! He trespassed! He gambled! He downloaded music illegally! Liam fished without a permit! He even bribed a cop to buy him beer!! (Don’t worry, it was just root beer, which Liam could have bought himself, but you know, it’s the principle of the matter.)
He rode his bike on the sidewalk! He let his pet crocodile poo on the sidewalk, and he did not clean it up! He drove a car (though only in the parking lot with his dad), but without a seat belt! He threw a loud dance party in the public library, right under the sign that read PLEASE BE QUIET! He even set off a bunch of illegal fireworks while jaywalking to an ice cream truck, where he took four Popsicles without paying! Liam laughed. “Three crimes in one! Triple threat!”
King Liam (still naked, by the way) was eating his stolen Raspberry Rocket Pops and trying to think of more laws he could break, when he noticed something strange. It was totally silent. The whole center of town didn’t even have people.… Wait, there they were!
People were locked in their cars or standing on top of mailboxes, or inside their stores, barricading their doors.
“Why are you hiding from me?” Liam asked. “I didn’t mean to scare anybody. I just wanted to have some fun.”
Ms. Linda, who had climbed all the way to the top of the lamppost, pointed behind Liam. He turned and read:
PLEASE KEEP ALL PETS ON LEASHES.
IT’S THE LAW.
Liam said, “But my pet crocodile is—”
“Right behind you!” Ms. Linda cried out.
It all became clear. People weren’t hiding from Liam; they were hiding from his pet crocodile. The same crocodile that was pacing toward him with a wild look in its eye.
“Oh, hi, boy.” King Liam chuckled nervously. “Looks like I broke the leash law, too, huh? Wasn’t even trying for that one. Yay? You look hungry. Didn’t those reporters’ toes fill you up?”
The crocodile licked its fangs, then started after him.
Liam ran for his life, flashing his bottom to the whole town all over again. He shouted, “I’ll never break the law again! I’ll follow the rules! Especially the leash ones! I promise!! AAAAHHHH!!!!”
The next day, Liam’s old British grandmum told reporters, “He got what was coming to him. My grandson acted a fool. He was a royal pain in the butt, so it was only fitting that his crocodile taught him what a real pain in the butt meant.”
The reporters raised their hands to ask questions. One shouted, “Did King Liam lose one buttock or two?!”
Liam’s grandmum smiled. “Let’s just say he won’t be getting cheeky anytime soon.”
CHAPTER 16
Lily
Lily hated barfing more than anything. When she became queen, she tried to outlaw barfing. But her advisors insisted the government had no control over “bodily functions.”
Lily had to consider a new law to make. She’d always wanted to go into space. So instead, she announced, “I am opening the nation’s first free space camp school—where any kid can learn to be an astronaut.”
“It sounds expensive,” said the advisors.
“I don’t care. Spare no expense,” Lily commanded. The advisors tried to talk her out of it. But Lily did not back down. Within a week, space camp school opened in Cape Canaveral, Florida. Lily was its first student.
“I want to learn everything,” she told the instructors. “Don’t go easy on me.”
And they didn’t.
Every day was an eighteen-hour-long school day. Lily learned about zero-gravity conditions in space, how to grow potatoes on Mars, and how to send e-mails from one planet to another. They taught her how to engineer robotics, navigate through an asteroid belt, and fly a rocket. They also made her learn really hard math. (Lily didn’t even like math.)
Lily learned the first living creatures to go into space were not people—they were fruit flies. In 1947, fruit flies were sent into space along with some seeds of corn. (True story). In 1957, Laika—a stray dog from the streets of Moscow, Russia—was the first dog in space. (Also a true story.) In 1959, two monkeys—named Able and Miss Baker—went into space. (Totally true story. Don’t believe me? Look it up!)
Lily had no idea that fruit flies, dogs, and monkeys had been to space before humans. She was astonished. But if they could do it, how hard could it be?
“Can I go to space now?” Lily asked.
“I’m afraid not, Queen Lily,” said one of the instructors. “You haven’t passed all the tests required of astronauts yet.”
“What else do I have to do?”
“Well, for one thing, you still need high-g training.…”
A big smile spread across Lily’s face. “High-g training is the one with the centrifuge, right?”
“That’s the one.” Her instructors explained, “You see, when astronauts fly into space, their bodies must be able to withstand great forces. Sometimes the forces are so great, they will lose consciousness. So by putting them in a centrifuge, and spinning them around faster and faster and faster, we help them get used to it.”
“I love spinning rides at amusement parks,” said Lily. “Strap me in!”
“We recommend not eating before the ride,” her instructor said. “Did you eat lunch?”
Lily had waited long enough to get here. She wasn’t going to let a silly little rule get in the way. So she lied. “Nope.”
Then the scientists strapped Lily into the centrifuge—the giant machine that was going to spin her around so fast and so hard, it would feel like she was being shot into space. The instructors buckled her up nice and tight.
“Are you ready for this, Queen Lily?”
“I’ve never been more ready,” she said.
The centrifuge began to spin. It went faster and faster. At first, Lily was laughing. Then she felt her face pushing back. Her whole body was flattened against the back of her seat. She felt like a pancake.
After a few minutes, the centrifuge stopped. Lily unbuckled herself and hopped out. She was standing still, but it felt like the whole room was spinning. That’s when she barfed.
Thankfully, Lily got her helmet off in time, or she would have puked inside her space suit. Instead, she vomited across the room. After that, she kept barfing, right into her helmet.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she said, trying not to cry. She wanted to be tough for the astronaut instructors.
<
br /> “Don’t worry about it!” they said. “Astronauts puke in space all the time. It’s part of space sickness.”
“Space sickness?” Lily said.
“Yeah, it’s like motion sickness on a boat—only way worse.”
“Astronauts throw up? All the time?” Lily asked in a whisper.
“Yup. And if you think that’s bad, let me tell you how they go to the bathroom—”
“Please don’t!” Lily wiped some barf from her chin as her tummy rumbled. “Um, maybe not right now. I think maybe I need a break.”
Lily was right. She did need a break, which was fine. Space wasn’t going anywhere.…
CHAPTER 17
Mark
Mark isn’t just the most handsome kid in class, he’s also pretty smart. When he became king, he thought of a fantastic new law:
“Two days for a weekend are not enough,” he declared. “So I’m reversing the week. Weekdays are now only Monday and Tuesday—the rest of the days are now the weekend!!”
The nation went wild. Everyone cheered. He was quickly nominated as “Best! King! Ever!”
King Mark went further. He announced weekly parties called TGIT—“Thank Goodness It’s Tuesday!” He also insisted all schools be closed for the “New Weekend,” meaning Wednesday, Thursday, Fartday, Saturday, and Sunday.
(What’s that? What do you mean I misspelled Friday? No, I didn’t. You’re crazy. No, I’m not. You are!)
The people were ecstatic (that’s a fancy word for “super happy”)…
…but only at first. See, no one was working anymore. Everyone was off for five days of the week. That meant the mail didn’t arrive on time, pizza parlors were closed all the time, and garbage started to pile up on the streets.
With everyone only working two days a week, things started to fall apart. Businesses didn’t make money. So they stopped paying people. That meant parents didn’t have money for the kids, and that meant no money for zoos, pools, skating rinks, amusement parks, movie theaters, or anything fun.…
