by Julia Blake
‘There was a boy, a young man really, Ryan O’Connor, tall and good looking, he could have had any girl in the village but there was only one he wanted and she was unavailable. He pleaded with Annaliese to forget about being a nun, begged her to go out with him, to give him a chance, and the more she turned him down, the more determined he became. Then, one day, he came to her with a ring he’d saved up for, pleaded with her to marry him. Refusing to take no for an answer, he told her to think about it and meet him that evening by the old oak tree.’
‘What happened?’ I asked as Caro fell silent. She looked at me through her thick rimmed glasses, and I fancied I saw an echo of remembered fear.
‘Annaliese hated hurting anyone, but she didn’t love him and wouldn’t give up her dream of becoming a nun. In the end, I offered to take the ring and a letter she’d written and meet him by the oak. I’d hand them to him, then it’d be over and he’d leave her alone. So, Annaliese sent me to meet him, alone, not knowing he’d spent the day drinking in the pub with his mates and wasn’t in a mood to hear any answer except yes.’
‘What did he do, when he found you instead of Annaliese?’ I asked, but again, a part of me already knew.
‘He raped me,’ she said flatly, ‘I was fourteen, but not like the fourteen year olds of today, I was totally innocent, didn’t understand what was happening until it was too late.’ I stared at her, frozen by her words, made all the more horrifying for their stark simplicity.
‘When he’d finished with me, he roared off on his bike and left me lying under the tree. That’s where Annaliese found me when she came looking, concerned because I hadn’t come home. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as guilty as her when she realised what he’d done, what he’d done to me because of her. She took me to her grandmother who cleaned me up, tended my wounds. She wanted to call the police but I wouldn’t let her. I knew what my father was like, I was afraid of what he’d do to me if he found out I’d been with a man before wedlock.’
‘But you were raped,’ protested Scott, his voice ringing with indignation. ‘Surely no man would ever blame his daughter for that?’
‘Oh, my father would have done,’ replied Caro sadly. ‘In his world there existed only black and white, good girls and whores. I was now one of the whores.’
‘That’s horrible,’ I murmured. ‘What happened? Was Ryan ever brought to justice?’
‘Of a sort,’ replied Caro. ‘Two months later he came off his motorbike and went under the wheels of a car. The next week I confided my secret fear to Annaliese, she told her grandmother, who arranged to take me to a doctor in a town far enough away no one would know. He confirmed it. I was pregnant, pregnant at fourteen by a boy now lying in a graveyard.’ She took her glasses off, rubbed wearily at her eyes.
‘You have to understand what it was like. An abortion was out of the question. It’s hard enough now for girls who get caught in Ireland, but then it was next to impossible. We talked endlessly about it. Finally, Annaliese’s grandmother came up with a plan. Her oldest friend ran a small guesthouse in London. It was decided I’d go and stay with her until the baby was born, then it would be placed for adoption. Annaliese was to go with me, she was adamant about that. I don’t think her guilt would’ve let her do anything else. So, it was all arranged and a few weeks later we came to England. I left a note for my father, telling him I’d gone to look for work, knew he’d be angry but couldn’t have told him the truth. Once we were in England, Annaliese got a job at a supermarket and supported us both. I’d intended to work too, but the pregnancy was a hard one, I suffered from sickness the entire nine months and my state of mind was fragile to say the least.’
‘You were in shock from the rape,’ stated Scott quietly.
‘Perhaps,’ agreed Caro. ‘Nothing seemed to matter, not Annaliese, not the baby, I couldn’t even bring myself to care whether I survived the labour or not. I think in a lot of ways, I felt it would be easier if I simply died. I felt numb, I knew Annaliese had brought her bride of Christ dowry with her and that was what we were living off, together with whatever wages she managed to earn, yet I didn’t even feel guilty about the fact she’d given up her dream for me. She arranged everything, when the time came she was in the labour room with me and you were born.’
She looked directly at me. ‘It was a difficult labour, it hurt terribly. I think because I was so young I tore inside, had to have surgery. When I finally saw my baby, you, I felt nothing but resentment this little scrap of life had caused so many problems. Then I saw the way Annaliese was holding you, looking at you, and knew we had a problem.’
She paused, when she continued her voice was pleading, as though begging me to understand how it had been. ‘The plan was to have you adopted, Annaliese agreed, we’d all agreed it was the only option, the best thing, but... Annaliese changed her mind, she fell in love with you and wouldn’t hear of having you adopted. She changed the rules. We went home and it was like she was your mother. She did everything for you because I couldn’t even bear to look at you, she even chose your name, she called you...’
‘Eve...’ I interrupted softly. ‘She called me Eve.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Caro. ‘She called you Eve, but when it came to registering your birth I got my own way and my mother’s name was put down as yours, Melissa, although I put down Annaliese’s name as mother.’
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Because I was so afraid my father would find out. Annaliese agreed readily to her name being used, in a way, I think it pleased her. Anyway, we struggled on for a while, Annaliese worked every hour she could at the supermarket, using her staff discount to buy you nappies and formula. Her grandmother sent you clothes from Ireland and I saw the way the future would be, saw Annaliese was going to devote her life to you, knew, if she did, she’d never achieve anything. She was writing by then, evenings when you were asleep and any other spare moment she could, she’d scribble desperately in her notebooks. I read some of it and even I could see how good it was. I was determined Annaliese should have her chance at greatness, that her life shouldn’t be ruined because of you.’
‘What did you do, Caro?’ I asked, with a deadening sense of inevitability.
‘I persuaded her to submit her manuscript to an agent, when a couple of months went by and she hadn’t heard anything, made her telephone. Annaliese still had a slight Irish accent at that point, the secretary misheard her name and that’s when Anna Louise became Annaliese. She went to meet the agent. When she came back there were stars in her eyes. I knew she was in love. I laid my plans carefully.’ Caro stopped, looked away, as if unable to meet my gaze.
‘I pretended to bond with you, I began to take care of you. At night, I would sing you lullabies, the words choking in my throat, telling myself it was all for Annaliese. She was so happy, kept telling me how pleased she was that I was so much better. I lulled her into a false sense of security, so she felt confident enough to go away on her honeymoon. She’d been reluctant to go and leave you with me, knowing I was unable to look after you.’
I felt tears prick the back of my eyes; could see the events so clearly, so vividly. Annaliese, torn between her love for Robert, her shining plans for our future together and her love for me, her concern at leaving me alone with my mother, a woman so traumatised by post traumatic stress and post natal depression, she could barely care for herself, let alone her baby.
‘Her plan was to tell Robert on their return, to introduce him to us and to persuade him to advance Annaliese some money on her book so she could set us up in our own home. But I knew her real plan was to adopt you as her own and I couldn’t let her destroy her marriage before it had even begun. What man would want a strange child, what man wouldn’t wonder if perhaps it was his new wife’s little mistake? No, I couldn’t take that chance.’ There was a long pause.
‘What did you do, Caro?’ Scott asked, sensing I was una
ble to form the question.
‘We had dinner together, the three of us, the night before the wedding. She was so happy; she sparkled and bubbled, like the champagne she’d bought to celebrate. She chatted all through the meal, all those plans, hopes and dreams. She kept hugging you, kissing you, promising you the earth, and all the while I sat there, like Judas at the last supper. I knew how he must have felt, loving Christ, the weight of betrayal dragging his soul down to hell, the lies on his lips. I watched her, knew it was the last time we’d ever be together this way, the last time she’d ever be able to trust me. So many times, that last evening, I almost said something. With one word I could have stopped everything. But I said nothing, I couldn’t. I was doing it for her, so stayed silent. The next day, she married Robert and went away on her honeymoon. When she came back the deed had been done. It was too late, you were gone, adopted.’
‘What did she do?’ I asked, through lips numb with cold. ‘When she came back and found you’d given me away?’
‘I thought the shock would kill her,’ Caro stated flatly, eyes large and mournful behind her glasses, ‘Robert had to go away on business for a few days and she came rushing round, loaded down with presents, desperate to see you, bursting into the room, calling out your name, and then her face...’ Caro paused and a lone reluctant tear slid down her cheek.
‘Her face, oh dear god, her face when she realised you were gone, when I told her what I’d done. I can still remember, as clearly as if it was yesterday, how white she went, how her lips went blue and she swayed. I thought she was going to faint. It was then it truly hit me what I’d done, what I’d taken from her. I’d given away her child. I don’t think she ever truly forgave me for it.’
‘And yet you remained friends,’ Scott said dryly, and Caro glared at him.
‘Annaliese was an amazing person, the most forgiving generous soul that ever walked God’s earth; she’d made a promise to stick by me, because she felt responsible for what had happened to me, and she kept that promise even though... She paid for me to go to college, to learn business and secretarial studies. When her book was published and she became successful, she hired me as her assistant and no one ever knew we’d known each other before. We were safe. We had jobs and money and were secure.’
She paused and shook her head. ‘But I should have known, should have realised she hadn’t let you go that easily. She searched for you and in the end, five years later, she found you. When she told Robert she wanted to move out of London, I didn’t realise it was because she’d found out where you were, I believed her story of wanting to be out of the city, came with them, because I could never leave her and because my marriage had by then failed,’ Caro shook her head regretfully.
‘Not that it ever had any chance of succeeding really, we should never have married, Eddie and I, we were so different. The marriage was on the rocks when I found out I was pregnant and at first I was determined to have the baby alone. I don’t know, perhaps in some way was trying to replace the baby I’d taken away from her. Then he was born, and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him, so when Eddie asked for custody I let him have it, I let him take my boy away. It was for the best...’ she faltered, swallowed hard. ‘It was best for the boy,’ she continued. ‘Eddie loved him, he had a large close-knit family, it was a chance for Luke to have love and stability in his life.’
‘Of course,’ I breathed, realising something obvious. ‘Luke’s my brother.’
‘Half-brother,’ she corrected.
‘That’s why you warned me off him,’ I cried, starting in horror at the thought. ‘I assumed it was because you’d always hated me and couldn’t bear the thought of him being with me, but all the time it was because he was my brother, and if I’d slept with him...’ I stopped, hand flying to my mouth in repugnance at the thought. Then the world twisted on its head and at last I understood.
‘Annaliese,’ I breathed. ‘That’s why she did it, that’s why she slept with Luke that night! It was to make sure I didn’t.’
‘That’s right,’ agreed Caro. ‘Luke told me you were going away with him. I could hear in his voice, see in his eyes how much he wanted you. Then, when you left, I believed you were going back to the Hall, to him. I panicked. I phoned Annaliese and told her the unthinkable was about to happen. I pleaded with her to do something, anything to stop it. She begged me to let her tell you the truth, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. In the end, Annaliese agreed to think of some way to stop you having sex with him, although I didn’t find out what until later.’
‘The plan backfired, Caro,’ I remarked bitterly. ‘You see, I thought it was Scott with Annaliese, and that’s why I left.’
‘And she lost you again,’ Caro stated. ‘And this time she couldn’t find you. Then she got sick, the tumour was diagnosed and it was too late, she died without seeing you, knowing you believed the worst of her and it was all my fault. I’m so sorry, Eve. She begged me to tell you the truth, but I wouldn’t hear of it and held her to her promise.’
Silently, I imaged Annaliese’s despair upon receiving the news from Caro. The girl she loved as a daughter was in danger of unknowingly having an affair with her brother. Unable to take the simple path of telling the truth, bound by a sacred oath made nearly thirty years earlier, I could almost feel her panic as her mind raced through her options. Then, she’d encountered Scott desperately looking for me, knew how much he loved me, realised, if I went away with Luke, it would be the end of any chance for us. So, she’d got rid of Scott, sent him on a wild goose chase to look for me in the woods, knowing full well I was on my way back to the Hall, taken Luke upstairs and... here my imagination stalled.
‘I’m so sorry, Eve,’ Caro said again, I heard the raw emotion in her voice. ‘Can you ever forgive me?’ I shook my head in confusion.
‘I don’t know,’ I murmured. ‘I just don’t know, Caro. So many people were hurt to protect your secret. I’m not sure I can ever forget that, in fact, right now, I’m not even sure I ever want to see you again.’
‘But, I’m your mother,’ she exclaimed in shock, and I stared at her levelly.
‘No, you’re not,’ I replied. ‘It’s true, I have been fortunate enough to have two mothers, but they were Patricia Stephens and Annaliese Macleod. They are the women who loved and raised me. They are my mothers, not you, Caro, never you.’
She stared at me for a very long time, then bowed her head, made no attempt to stop me as I stood, Scott beside me, and walked away from her. We left her sitting there. We didn’t look back. We paced in silence, my hand clasped firmly in his, I could feel his concern, yet he said nothing. For almost the first time, I was thankful for Scott’s silent nature. We passed the small silver birch, quivering slightly in the gentle breeze. In unspoken agreement, we stopped to gaze at its bright youthfulness, its promise of great things to come.
‘Give me the keys to the car, Eve,’ Scott suddenly demanded. I looked at him in surprise.
‘Why?’
‘I’ll get the car,’ he offered. ‘Why don’t you stay here for a while and visit with her?’
I blinked back my tears, realised how fortunate I was to be loved by a man who perhaps knew me better than I knew myself. I nodded, released his hand and slid my arms around his neck, pulling him to me in a wordless embrace. ‘I love you,’ I whispered.
‘I know,’ he replied steadily, ‘And I love you too,’ then he gently took the key and was gone, leaving me to settle myself on the soft grass beneath the tree, looking up through its dancing leaves to the blue, blue sky above.
With my eyes closed, I fancied I could feel her presence, could almost hear her soft breathing, smell her light fragrance, realised the words I’d spoken to Caro had been nothing more than the truth. In every way except biologically, Annaliese had been my mother. She’d been the one who’d fed and clothed me, who’d sung me to sleep, who’d changed my na
ppies and bathed me, and it had been her loving arms I’d been taken away from to be given to my other mother.
I wondered what would have happened if Annaliese had been able to keep me. Would it have turned out the way Caro feared, would Annaliese have thrown her life away? Or would she have still had the determination and the willpower to succeed, even with a child in tow. I tried to imagine a lifetime lived with Annaliese as my mother. A light breeze caressed my cheek like the touch of her hand. I smiled, opened my eyes to find Robert standing there, a bouquet of white roses in his hand, his expression gentle and tender.
‘Hello Eve,’ he said. ‘Are you alright?’
‘You knew, didn’t you?’ I said slowly. ‘You knew Annaliese wasn’t my mother.’
‘Yes, I knew,’ he agreed, sat carefully on the grass beside me.
‘How? How did you know?’ I asked, looking at him curiously.
‘When Annaliese and I were trying for children we discovered she had a medical condition which prevented her from conceiving, she’d been born with it, so I knew it was impossible for you to be her child. Also,’ he paused, and smiled. ‘When Annaliese came to me on our wedding night, she was a virgin.’
‘Did you know all along Caro was my mother?’
‘No,’ he shook his head adamantly. ‘I had no idea, not until last night, not until Annaliese led you to believe she was. Well, I knew that wasn’t true, knew she must be covering up for someone very close to her. I tackled Caro this morning and she admitted everything, finally agreeing it was time you knew the truth.’
‘Thank you,’ I murmured. He leant forward and gently kissed my brow, then stood and laid the roses on the ground at the foot of the tree, paused for a moment, contemplating their soft creamy white perfection, turned and lightly ran his finger across my cheek, before walking away with swift sure steps back to the Hall.
