The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  Still, there are those who see the real value hobbits offer. Aside from the hardiness of certain Shirefolk, hobbits possess a simple enjoyment of life. Hobbits need no Rings of Power to be content. They need no dragon’s hoard, no treasures of mithril or gold, no colossal palaces of stone. With good food, strong drink, and friends with whom to share them, a hobbit’s life is complete.

  Humans could learn a thing or two from hobbits.

  Why did Strider and his Rangers keep diligent watch over the Shire? Why did they turn away creatures and shadows and unsavory elements? Why did Frodo and his friends remain in the War of the Ring when they could’ve come home? Why did a vision of Bag End in flames cause Frodo to plunge more deeply into his purpose?

  It was to preserve that simple contentment that hobbits exude. It was to allow those hairy-footed little people to go on enjoying their ease, blissfully ignorant of all those who protected them from hiding.

  Whose innocence are you protecting? To what lengths do you go to make sure someone precious and perhaps small and weak is able to go on not worrying about the larger affairs of the world? When you bear that burden, you are being heroic.

  What alliance could you make with those who bring you mirth? How might you contribute to someone’s ability to inspire you with his life of contentment? How could you enter into someone’s joie de vivre and thus have it rub off on you?

  As for making alliances as a hobbit might, you must consider what can you offer someone else to bring you what you need. Were a hobbit lord to seek an alliance with someone, he or she would likely try to find an army that could protect the Shire, a wizard who could guide it, dwarves who might build for it, and elves who might teach it the secrets of making. In return, you could provide song and joy (and pipeweed) and fellowship.

  You do have much to offer, whether or not your finances are depleted. Others might be enriched by your personality, wisdom, and expertise. Who might benefit from what you can give? What partnerships can you find that might benefit both parties, each supplying what the other lacks? Find the win-win scenarios around you, and win.

  Conclusion

  So what do you think: Hobbits for your fellowship? An alliance with the mighty diminutives? While you’re deciding, walk into The Prancing Pony—they serve both Shirefolk and Big Folk there—and lift a pint with any hobbits you can find. As friends in the moment and friends in need, there are none better.

  Self-Defense:

  The Art of Running and Hiding

  They possessed from the first the art of disappearing swiftly and silently, when large folk whom they do not wish to meet come blundering by; and this art they have developed until to Men it may seem magical.

  —From JRR Tolkien’s

  The Fellowship of the Ring

  A Hobbit’s Guide to Self-Defense

  Hobbits are small creatures. They are not very aggressive. They are kindhearted, friendly, and sensitive. All of the wonderful things that make a hobbit a hobbit also put them in danger from other species of Middle-earth, who aren’t as, well, nice. In The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, hobbits face a whole host of nasty creatures: trolls, goblins, wolves, spiders, dragons, orcs, Gollum, Ringwraiths, the dark wizard Saruman, and the dark lord Sauron, among others.

  Hobbits have quite a few traits that are advantages as well, though you wouldn’t necessarily think so by looking at them. Hobbits have thick pads on the soles of their feet (and no need for shoes), allowing them to tread quickly, lightly, and silently. Their bodies are small and quite fast, able to duck into tight places in order to evade predators. Hobbits are very comfortable in underground places—after all, they live in holes—so caverns and tunnels are no problem for hobbits and make great places for them to hide.

  In addition to being able to quickly run and hide, hobbits are also quite cunning and quick-witted. When in danger they are usually able to come up with some pretty creative ways to find safety.

  When forced to fight, hobbits can be as fierce as any small creature, particularly when defending a friend. However, they tend to use violence only as a last resort, opting to avoid danger whenever possible, which isn’t a bad principle to live by … not at all.

  Running

  Despite having short legs, hobbits can run rather quickly and will usually choose to do so rather than resort to violence. When trapped in the goblin tunnels with Gollum, Bilbo could have easily killed the creature with his sword but instead used his quick little legs to run at Gollum and jump over him. Of course, having gained invisibility from the Ring of Power helped a little bit, as well.

  Running is often one of the best ways to keep oneself safe. While some people say that running away is a cowardly act, that is not necessarily the case. Standing and fighting just to fight isn’t smart—especially if you are at a size disadvantage or facing an armed enemy. Plus, even if you win a fight you could be wounded, so there is often a price to pay. It’s best to run away, period.

  Running Techniques

  When determining your running techniques, it’s important to consider your body size, the length of your legs, the terrain, and the distance to safety. Hobbits are small but capable of running quickly over short distances, and they are also good at zigging and zagging. It’s important to realize your own physical attributes and take them into account for your strategy of running and evading. If you are taller and have longer legs, you may want to run with longer strides (like an elf would), focusing on outpacing your enemy. If you are shorter, you’d do well to employ a hobbit’s strategy of dodging and darting from side to side as you run.

  A Hobbit’s Advantage

  As mentioned previously, hobbits have thick pads on the bottoms of their feet which allow them to run barefoot. While resistant to heat, cold, and injury, their feet still feel the terrain as they run. The connection to their terrain gives them greater mobility and the ability to run very quietly.

  Luckily, with today’s advances in technology, you can mimic the experience of running like a hobbit. Runners today can purchase a “barefoot”-style running shoe with toes. These shoes allow your toes to function as they should while you run. In other words, your feet work inside the shoe as they would naturally. And that’s about as close to running like a hobbit as you can get!

  When Not to Run

  Running can save your life. There are times, however, when running is inappropriate. For instance, you should never run from something worth defending. A hobbit never abandons his friends and neither should you. Bilbo somehow found the courage to launch an attack against the spiders who were planning to eat his friends. Frodo threw himself into battle in the Mines of Moria when his friends were being attacked. Hobbits fight when they need to.

  You may also find yourself trapped, and running may not be an option. If so, you will obviously want to employ another tactic, perhaps one of those that follow.

  Hiding

  Hiding is another act that some think cowardly but may actually save your life. Small creatures, such as hobbits, frequently hide out of necessity since many enemies are larger and more powerful than they are. A fight would hardly be fair. Hiding may allow you to conserve energy for later in battle, and if you’re lucky you may avoid the conflict altogether.

  Holes and Other Tight Places

  Holes are a hobbit’s best friend when danger arises. Holes may be dark and a bit frightening, but when your option is facing a powerful enemy it may be wise to consider overcoming your claustrophobic tendencies, squeeze into a tight place, and hide.

  Hobbits feel right at home in tight places. Tunnels, caves, caverns, nooks, and crannies are not unlike their hobbit holes, so sneaking around in the dark in small spaces is not unfamiliar to them. Because of this they are able to keep their calm and their sense of direction even when finding their way through dark goblin tunnels. One can use small, dark spaces to their advantage as long as one keeps their wits about them. Creeping through tunnels quietly is a great way to avoid confrontations and, if necessary, may allow one to sn
eak up on an enemy.

  Taking Cover

  It’s important to know when to take cover. When Bilbo and the dwarves found themselves under attack from the dragon Smaug, they hid inside a tunnel that led deep into the dragon’s lair. The dwarves were hesitant to close the door, which they feared would lock them inside, but at the very last moment Bilbo convinced them to do so, thus saving them from Smaug’s dreadful fire. You may not like where you have to hide, and your choices of cover may be limited, but it is part of having an adventure. Keep your head down, and do so quickly.

  Safe Havens

  Whenever you find yourself swept up in a nasty adventure or quest, it’s good to know places where you may stay with friends or keep a low profile. Busy taverns or inns make great places for lying low (plus, when caught up in a bit of adventure, one could likely do with a nice hot meal or a pint of something strong to take the edge off).

  Tolkien’s adventurers often sought sanctuary with friends. For example, in Rivendale they stayed with the elf king Elrond, who provided lodgings, food, advice, and aid. Know your safe havens and use them.

  Camouflage

  Never underestimate the usefulness of camouflage. In the film The Return of the King, when Frodo and Sam were sneaking into Mordor, they used an elvish cloak to hide amongst the rocks. Hobbits are also good at “disappearing” when in the forest. Study your surroundings and learn how to blend in. Employ the use of specialized clothing or use materials around you (such as leaves or mud) to disguise yourself. Sometimes hiding in plain sight is the best way to hide.

  Stealth

  Hobbits can be quite stealthy when they want to (even without the aid of an invisibility ring). Being a small creature gives you plenty of practice sneaking about, and hobbits have all sorts of clever ideas on how to remain unseen. For example, when Bilbo’s dwarf friends were captured by the Wood-elves, Bilbo devised an elaborate escape plan in which the dwarves hid themselves in empty wine barrels that shipped downriver to Lake-town in the south for reuse, as per the elves regular procedure. Not only were they able to escape but they also came to a good place for the next phase of their journey to the dragon’s lair. You never know when you may find yourself in a situation where you need to travel unseen. Study the lay of the land, the local routines and procedures, and an idea such as Bilbo’s barrel-riding plan may present itself.

  Avoiding

  Say what you will, but avoiding something is often the very best way to stay out of harm’s way. Hobbits are brilliant avoiders. They can come up with innumerable excuses for staying out of adventure—and you can rest assured that each and every one of their excuses will sound quite sensible if you take the time to consider it.

  Staying Home

  The best way to hide is to stay home. Period. Many times during his adventures, Bilbo wished he was back in his snug little hobbit hole sitting by the hearth. He dreamt of bacon and eggs and bread and butter and piping hot tea. Your home is likely the best place to avoid trouble. Sometimes, however, trouble comes to you—as it did with Frodo. The Nazgul—also known as Ringwraiths or dark riders—were drawn to the Ring, which came into Frodo’s possession. The Shire would have been in danger had Frodo not undertaken his quest to carry the Ring away from his village. So, as good as it may sound, staying home isn’t always an option.

  Strength in Numbers

  A particularly effective way to avoid danger is the old adage of finding strength in numbers. Aside from simply loving to have company, hobbits always keep companions near in times of trouble. Both The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings illustrate the importance of strength in numbers. At the start of The Hobbit, Bilbo is conscripted into an adventure because the dwarves are seeking another member. They need to add to their troupe so they’ll have a lucky number. In The Lord of the Rings, when Frodo is charged with the task of carrying the Ring of Power, all of his friends understand the task is his and his alone. Only Frodo can carry the Ring, but his friends won’t let him undertake the journey alone. They form the Fellowship of the Ring to accompany him on his quest. One of the great messages in all of Tolkien’s work is that of friendship and loyalty. A fellowship, such as the Fellowship of the Ring, is the very definition of strength in numbers.

  Wit and Cunning

  Hobbits can be quick thinkers and are also bookworms, so their heads are full of all kinds of forgotten facts and stories. When Bilbo was trapped in the dark with Gollum, he used a game of riddles to distract the creature so he could escape. Later, when he was confronted by the dragon Smaug, he employed more riddles and good manners to stall for time. You’d be surprised what a hobbit might think of in a pinch. Their quick wits have been known to help them out of many a dangerous situation.

  Disguise

  Wearing a disguise is a great way to avoid capture or harm. When Frodo and Sam sneak through the Black Gate of Mordor, they wear orcish armor. This tactic can prove quite effective. If you are able to acquire enemy clothing or armor, it’s the next best thing to having a Ring of Power. You’ll be invisible (and without the annoying side effect of turning evil).

  Protective Clothing

  A shirt made of mithril, a priceless, lightweight metal mined by dwarves, saved Frodo’s life on several occasions. The shirt, part of the treasure retrieved from Smaug’s horde, was given to Frodo by Bilbo, who wore it during the Battle of the Five Armies.

  If you know you are going to be in a dangerous situation, then wearing some sort of armor is a good precaution to take. Whether tall boots for warding off snakes in a swamp or a Kevlar vest on the wrong side of town, the right protective clothing can mean the difference between life and death.

  Finding the Enemy’s Weakness

  The second time Bilbo sneaked into Smaug’s lair he found himself noticed by the awakened dragon despite having worn his invisibility ring. Bilbo was forced to stall for time and speak to the worm (which is what they sometimes called dragons) in riddles. Though in danger of being pulled under Smaug’s powerful influence, Bilbo managed to keep his wits about him and tricked the dragon into revealing a weak spot in his underbelly.

  Every enemy has some weakness. The trick is to carefully research your enemy or perform reconnaissance in order to find out what the weakness is. You may be taking a risk, but you may also uncover information that will help you win the battle in the long run.

  Words as Self-Defense

  Often the best way out of a jam is simply to talk your way out of it. Bilbo used this tactic on several occasions. When the trolls debate whether to put him in a stew pot, Bilbo reasons with them, telling them that he would be much more useful as a cook than a meal. His doing so stalls things long enough for Gandalf to rescue him. When trapped with Gollum in the goblin tunnels, Bilbo used a game of riddles to bargain with the creature. Gollum agreed to show Bilbo the way out if Bilbo won the game. When confronted by Smaug, Bilbo relied on conversation as well. Simply talking with an opponent can often delay or diffuse a tense situation, or you may be able to discover valuable information that you may use later.

  Fighting Back

  While it’s best to avoid violence, sometimes no matter what you do, you are headed for an unavoidable conflict and you’ll be forced to fight back. In those instances, it’s important to know some strategy and technique for surviving a battle.

  Battle Cries

  While hobbits may not think of themselves as having a battle cry, they are capable of very loud and startling sounds when under duress. When Bilbo was surprised by lightning generated by Gandalf’s magic staff, he emitted a shrill noise that froze all thirteen dwarves in their tracks. Employing such a tactic in a self-defense situation may prove quite effective in distracting one’s enemy and providing a window of opportunity. A battle cry may seem a little dramatic and silly to one who has never had the occasion to use it. However, the battle cry can serve many purposes in a fight or self-defense situation. A battle cry can also startle an opponent, giving one an opportunity to escape or launch a counterattack. Moreover, in martia
l arts the battle cry is often used in coordination with a technique in order to focus power, much in the same way one groans when lifting a heavy object.

  On the Battlefield

  Assuming one finds oneself on a field of battle, it likely means one has been swept up in some sort of nasty adventure, and there is a lot to consider. First, it’s important to focus on the moment at hand. Concerns for your own safety and that of others must be set aside temporarily. Survival counts on your ability to react quickly, and you must focus solely on what is happening around you so you can rely on all your talents. Hobbits are quick on their feet and are good at hiding, ducking, evading, and wiggling into and out of tight spots. These are all good tactics to employ—an evasive strategy can serve you well. However, one must also consider the reason one is in battle in the first place. If your goal is to protect your friends, you must find your courage and pick opportune moments to stand your ground and engage your enemy. Bilbo, for example, never would have imagined himself in battle. Yet, when his friends were tangled in webs and in danger of being eaten by giant spiders, he devised a clever plan of attack that involved throwing stones and taunting the spiders to draw them away long enough for him to free his friends.