The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  Tree Dwellings

  The experts on tree houses are unquestionably elves. The elves of Lothlórien live exclusively in trees, on wide flets or platforms that are mounted by means of ladders or flights of stairs. These are the best sorts of refuges to be found in trees. If you can’t live in Lothlórien, try to build some small platforms on the trees you’re in. You’ll lessen the chances of rolling off a branch during the night.

  Moving Trees

  It’s possible that you may wind up in some of the trees that move (huorns). Don’t be alarmed; rather, try to offer them some reasonable advice: Turn left at Isengard and keep going until you reach Mordor. Oh, and destroy any orcs and random evil wizards you encounter on your way. And if you see any Ents, do what they tell you. Ents know what they’re talking about most of the time.

  Talking to Trees

  Trees don’t as a rule have much to say. If a tree does talk to you, be cautious. It may be trying to seduce you with the intention of absorbing you via its bark cracks. Also be sure to distinguish between trees and Ents. Trees are trees. Ents are simply treelike—tall, bushy, strong, slow moving, and slow talking. Given their size and strength, it’s important to be polite to them. Who knows? An Ent may invite you back to its hall for some refreshing Ent-draught. Better than beer, with twice the nutrients.

  Other Shelters

  In addition to caves and trees (and houses, if they’re available), the enterprising adventurer might seek out of the following.

  Cliffs

  A cliff with a slight overhang can make a shelter from a raging blizzard or rainstorm, although not much of one. The chief dangers in a blizzard are snowdrifts that make forward or backward progress difficult or impossible. Rainstorms, of course, will leave you drenched and freezing, and although a cliff wall may shield you from the worst of the wind and occasional falling boulders, you probably won’t be able to start a fire. Still, a cliff wall is better than nothing. If you happen to have ponies or horses, set them in front of you to block the wind and give you a little more warmth.

  Eagle Eyries

  Do not under any circumstances climb up to an eagle’s nest uninvited. Particularly if you’re small and the eagle or its chicks are hungry. If so, you will probably end up torn apart for a late breakfast. On the other hand, if the eagle itself brings you to the eyrie, you can be assured of reasonable safety (provided you don’t fall off) and a spectacular view.

  Ruins

  Numerous ruins lay scattered around the world, and they can offer some shelter to the weary traveler. You may even find the remains of buildings, with something resembling a roof to give cover. However, take caution. Ruins are usually in ruins for good reason, and you may not be the first to take up shelter there. Among other things, watch out for:

  Wights

  Trolls

  Orcs

  Ringwraiths (uncommon but still possible)

  What the Well-Dressed Adventurer Is Wearing These Days

  There’s no Adventurer’s GQ, but there should be. Here are some helpful hints about what you should wear to your first adventure.

  Hood and Cloak

  This is basic survival gear. The cloak will keep you warm, disguised, and, if of elvish make, will protect you from unfriendly eyes. The hood will keep the rain out of your eyes, and the whole ensemble can fit into your pack. No one has invented any better garment for surviving in the Wild.

  Armor

  Several different kinds of armor, all of them providing various degrees of protection, can be had:

  LEATHER ARMOR. This is the most flexible, easy to wear, cheapest, and most vulnerable to arrows and sword blows. Still, the beginning adventurer could do worse.

  PARTIAL PLATE. This includes a breast plate (to stop sword swings), shin or arm guards, and a helmet, which will discourage random strokes to the head.

  FULL PLATE. This is serious stuff, but it’s also uncomfortable to wear, heavy, and has a tendency to rust and become incredibly hot in full sun. Still, there’s nothing better for stopping a full-on sword or lance attack. Just be sure you’ve got an armorer handy to fix any problems, and a group of helpful friends to lift you onto your horse when you’ve been unseated.

  Who You’ll Encounter in the Wild

  The Wild is filled with lots of strange creatures, most of whom haven’t met you and wouldn’t care to, even if you had a letter of introduction from the Wizard Radagast (who seems to have been at home with much of the Wild). In most circumstances, the creatures of the Wild will simply pass you by. In a few cases, they’ll want to confront you and talk to you. And in a few other cases, they’ll want to eat you. Most of the time, the best course is to go your way with as little muss and fuss as possible. Hobbits in particular are good at this sort of thing; passing through the countryside they’re liable to raise the attention of a nearby fox but not much more. But if you should happen to excite the general comment of the countryside, here’s how to handle it.

  Men

  Men tend to keep to themselves and to congregate in their own communities. Except for a few places, such as Bree on the outskirts of civilization, they don’t have much to do with the Wild, and they’d prefer to keep it that way, thank you very much. The memories of men stretch only to a few generations, so they don’t recall the long history that may be left in the Wild to fester over many centuries. If you run into men in the Wild, they’re likely to be Rangers, men of the vanished race of the Númenóreans. Give them the respect they deserve and pass along with little comment. It’s possible that they may take you prisoner for a while, but rest assured that their motives are honorable.

  Rangers

  Rangers are a special variety of men, the remnants of the Númenóreans (see above). They’re sworn to protect people from danger, so if you happen to encounter them, you’re in luck. However, don’t expect them to be a barrel of laughs. Guarding against unknown foes is tough work, and Rangers are apt to grouse about how little thanks they get and how hard they live. Despite this, don’t offer them any money; they’ll take it as an insult and will be even snottier to you than is their wont.

  Elves

  What few elves you bump into in the Wild are on their way to the Havens and would prefer to be left alone to continue their journey in peace. They are wrapped in a melancholy of their own making, and there’s very little you or anyone else can say that’s going to make them feel any better. You can take some comfort in the fact that they’re at least as disinterested in you as you may be in them. Just smile, hail them, and pass by. Nothing to see here. Nothing at all.

  Dwarves

  Most dwarves these days are busy in the various mines they’ve staked out: the Blue Hills, the Iron Hills, the Lonely Mountain. Even the Mines of Moria are showing some signs of regeneration. Be that as it may, dwarves are businesslike and brisk, ready enough to trade goods for gold and silver (dwarves are the original mercantilists) but not much interested in anything that doesn’t directly affect their interests. They have respect for men and hobbits, though little for elves, and they feel that the best approach to any orcs they meet on the road is a swift blow from an axe.

  Orcs

  Most of the orcs of Middle-earth were destroyed either in the Battle of Five Armies or later in the fall of the Dark Tower. A few are clinging to existence in the dark corners of the land, and you may encounter them on a lonely road or in the depths of the night. The downfall of the Tower of Saruman meant that Saruman’s followers were scattered over the land, and while some of them wound up in the Shire for a few months, they were driven out after the Battle of Bywater and are now merely robbers and footpads who are likely to be mopped up by the King’s men. That said, in the Wild it’s as well to keep a close watch after nightfall and to travel the roads in companies of fifteen or twenty, well armed with swords in case of trouble.

  Wolves

  The wargs, the worst of the wild wolves, largely ceased to be a nuisance after the collapse of Sauron’s realm. The traveler today who worries about attacks o
f wolves is probably a bit on the paranoid side. Still, there’s no reason to take chances. A few lone wolves still roam the forests, attacking individual adventurers, and striking fear into the hearts of foresters. Keep a guard out for them, and remember that there’s nothing so effective against wolves as setting treetops on fire.

  Weird Nature Spirits

  Wandering the fringes of the world, you’ll encounter from time to time unclassifiable creatures, some friendly, others unfriendly or, at best, neutral. Tom Bombadil and Goldberry can be numbered among these weird nature spirits; Beorn of the Carrock near Mirkwood is another. They can be exuberant and a bit overwhelming (Tom); mystic, mysterious, and stunningly beautiful (Goldberry); or suspicious and grouchy but with a good heart (Beorn). Survival in the Wild may depend on your ability to successfully interact with these spirits, so avoid offending them and take what assistance they proffer. Remember that they answer to no one, so you can’t appeal to their sense of responsibility. Ents belong, in some degree, to this category, and as Treebeard remarks, “I am not wholly on anyone’s side, because no one is on my side.” However, you can generally expect them, when push comes to shove, to come down on the side of good against evil, even if they make you pay a price for their assistance.

  The rules for dealing with these creatures include:

  DON’T OVERWHELM THEM WITH NUMBERS. They live by themselves and are nervous in society. If you’re traveling with a large party (say, thirteen dwarves, one hobbit, and one wizard), introduce yourselves a bit at a time.

  DON’T BE HASTY. Things take time. Relax. Chill. Middle-earth will wait for a day or two.

  DON’T HESITATE TO CALL ON THEM—ASSUMING YOU’RE STILL IN THEIR PART OF THE WILD—FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT. Note: Getting stuck in a barrow haunted by an evil wight definitely counts as “needing help.”

  BE POLITE AND DON’T ASK QUESTIONS THAT DON’T NEED ANSWERING. Asking Beorn about shape-shifting is rude and none of your concern; if a huge bear comes prowling around the house at night, ignore it and go back to sleep. If he wanted to kill you, he’d have done it already.

  Outposts of Civilization

  In the far-flung corners of the land, it’s possible to find a few centers of society that still maintain some decency and the hope of featherbeds. In particular, a few inns exist on the very fringes of the Wild, as well as some small outposts of civilization such as the Last Homely House. The traveler may wish to stop at these to renew his or her stocks of food, wine, and water, and to hear the latest news about the road ahead.

  The Prancing Pony

  From time immemorial, the Butterbur family has owned the Prancing Pony at Bree. Since this community caters to both Big People and hobbits, the Pony has rooms for both. The hobbit rooms are generally on the first floor and have round windows. The inn itself is the social center of the town of Bree, one of the last towns on the Great Road before it passes into the Wild. The common room of the inn is a vortex of gossip and news from the Shire to the west to the towns of Archet and Combs to the east. If there’s any information you want to hear, your best bet is to buy a pint of beer in the Pony common room and sip it very slowly.

  When Frodo and his companions arrive at the Prancing Pony, they find a motley crew of Bree townsfolk, dwarves, and yes, even hobbits.

  The company was in the big common-room of the inn. The gathering was large and mixed, as Frodo discovered, when his eyes got used to the light. This came chiefly from a blazing log-fire, for the three lamps hanging from the beams were dim, and half veiled in smoke. Barliman Butterbur was standing near the fire, talking to a couple of dwarves and one or two strange-looking men. On the benches were various folk: men of Bree, a collection of local hobbits (sitting chattering together), a few more dwarves, and other vague figures difficult to make out away in the shadows and corners. (The Fellowship of the Ring, chapter 9)

  The Last Inn

  Far out on the Road that leads from the west across the Anduin and to the bleak lands of the northeast, the Last Inn is the final stop for many travelers. The beer here is no more than acceptable and the food matches it in mediocrity, but as the out-flung arm of civilization, it’s still a welcome sight—being the last place adventurers are likely to sleep in a bed.

  Rivendell

  The house of Elrond Half-Elven is, as Bilbo long ago remarked, “perfect, whether you liked food, or sleep, or work, or story-telling, or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all.” It’s filled with elves who are, on the whole, less annoying than they tend to be elsewhere. Elrond, being a loremaster, is always willing to help read a difficult map or translate a bit of obscure text. At the same time, Rivendell is hidden in a valley and fenced about with powerful magic so that it’s difficult to find if the elves don’t want you to be aware of it. The wise adventurer will send ahead for an invitation, specifying how long he or she will be staying, any special dietary requirements, and what sort of accommodations they would like to reserve. Check-out time is promptly at 11 a.m.

  Survival Skills

  Without some basic abilities, you won’t last long in the Wild. It’s not only a matter of staying on your feet and not being caught and cooked or getting drowned in a river somewhere. You must know how to live off the land. In addition to what we’ve discussed previously, practice the following skills at home before setting off on an adventure.

  Fire Building

  To make a fire you need the following:

  Kindling

  Some dry moss or leaves; anything that will catch fire and burn swiftly

  Larger branches or logs that will provide long-burning heat

  Flint and steel to strike a spark

  Place the moss and/or leaves in a small pile, leaving plenty of room for air to circulate freely. Strike the flint against the steel next to them, until sparks land on the tinder. Blow gently—no matter how frustrated you become—on the tinder until flames appear. Feed the flames with small pieces of kindling, gradually increasing in size until the fire is established. Only then add the larger branches and logs. As mentioned above, keep the area around the fire clear of anything flammable to the distance of at least two feet, including leaves, sticks, moss, clothing, or adventurers. In the Wild there’s no need to make a big bonfire. Keep it small and keep it safe.

  Note: Another way to make fire is to use magic. This is generally confined to wizards and will broadcast your position to anyone watching, but in extreme circumstances, such as the middle of a snowstorm or a flash flood, you may not have much choice. Choose a large chunk of wood, stick a magic staff into it, and recite the appropriate spell. This generally works.

  Woodcraft

  To prevent being followed, and to know if anything else has recently passed in the direction you’re going, learn to avoid unnecessarily snapping off branches and flattening patches of grass with your feet, to say nothing of leaving footprints in the dust. Watch carefully for twigs that have been bent at unnatural angles or stones that have been kicked out of place in the earth. Practice listening for sounds of pursuing feet—or feet in front of you running away. Cultivate the observation of detail; it could mean the difference between life and death.

  Horsemanship

  Much of your time in the Wild will probably be spent on foot, since there are too many places that are not traversable by horse or pony. Still, it doesn’t hurt to be a skillful rider. Spend time practicing mounting and dismounting; if you can get your steed to trust you, this will become easier. Learn to control your horse not only with the reins but with your legs and with your whole body. Train him or her to respond instinctively to danger and not to throw you off his back while running from wolves or goblins. A skill at quickly turning and stopping will come in handy if you need to throw off pursuing riders. Spend some time learning to shoot a bow and arrow accurately and quickly while riding a horse and looking behind you. You may not be as good as the Riders of Rohan, but there’s no reason to make a fool of yourself on horseback either. And these skills
are, to some extent, transferable to riding ponies, eagles, and traveling on the shoulders of Ents.

  Hunting

  We mentioned earlier that hunting in the Wild is an essential source of food. In addition to shooting animals on the fly with bow and arrow or hewing down a charging board with a battle-axe, learn to set snares for rabbits and smaller animals. Set a few traps in the early evening, and by the next morning, you may have a fine brace of quail for breakfast. As well, you’ll need to know how to pluck fowls and skin animals, as well as what parts are good eating and what should be thrown away. Remember, waste not, want not. Try to use every part of what you kill. Help keep Middle-earth clean: Avoid littering.

  Fishing

  If you find yourself near a pond or lake, remember that there’s nothing like fresh fish cooked over an open fire moments after you’ve caught it. You can easily fashion a rod from a sturdy branch (preferably green wood so that it bends instead of breaking). Bait it with a worm, a bit of meat, or a bright-colored flower. You can make a hook from a bent pin or a bit of steel wire.