The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  COOKING EQUIPMENT. Keep in mind that you’re going to be traveling through the Wild, where food will mostly consist of game shot with arrows and slow roasted over an open fire. No one’s going to care whether you can sauté a rabbit or fricassee a pigeon. A box of salt is nice; salt is always useful. Leave the pots and pans at home.

  GOLD AND SILVER. This applies particularly when you’re coming home from a quest. You’re traveling through a lot of lawless lands, without any particular protection (unless you travel with a wizard, then you’re probably all right). Gold and silver attract thieves—try a letter of credit instead. You can still pay for first-class accommodations at inns along the way.

  Weapons

  Hobbits are especially good with anything that can be thrown: stones, darts, quoits, and so forth. Elves, on the other hand, are skilled bowmen, able to hit a target a long ways distant while slipping from tree to tree. Dwarves, as implied in Gimli’s case (and reinforced by Dáin and other dwarves), prefer axes. Wizards such as Gandalf and Saruman use their staves (and, occasionally, swords). Men such as Aragorn and Boromir prefer swords—not merely swords but named swords that have a lineage. For example, Aragorn carries Anduril, the Flame of the West, the Sword That Was Broken and Has Been Reforged. That’s a pretty impressive lineage for a sword, and you have to wonder if Anduril would have preferred being called Smith or Jones or something a bit less epic.

  Using Rope

  When traveling, it’s possible—nay, probable—that you’ll have to use a rope somewhere for something. In that case, remember the following points:

  THE MORE ROPE YOU HAVE WITH YOU, THE BETTER. After all, it’s not possible, when climbing down a steep cliff face, to have more than enough rope.

  HAVING SOMEONE IN THE PARTY WHO CAN TIE KNOTS IS A VERY GOOD IDEA. Simple clove hitches are essential to any good traveling party, but if you have someone who knows a splice from a bowline and who can tie a square knot without getting the ends mixed up, well, you’re golden.

  GOOD ROPE COMES WHEN IT’S CALLED. If you tie a strong knot and lower yourself down, then call the rope to come after you, chances are it’ll do it. Of course, it helps if the rope was made by elves originally.

  ROPE IS GOOD FOR MANY THINGS. For instance, you can use it to climb down a cliff, climb up a cliff, guide your way through a maze, or in desperate straits, secure a nasty, slimy creature that’s been following you for weeks.

  Food and Drink

  Bilbo says little or nothing about the inns the party uses after they leave the Shire. However, travelers are well advised to keep an eye peeled for well-kept, neat, pleasant establishments. The Prancing Pony in Bree is highly recommended, since it caters to both men and hobbits. Perigrine Took makes reference to The Golden Perch in Stock in the Shire. In such a house, one desires a pleasant common room, good beer, plain fare, and soft, clean, inviting beds. An absence of Black Riders also makes for a good night’s sleep.

  Ale

  The best beer may be in the East Farthing (as Sam Gamgee knows), but there’s no reason to turn up one’s nose at other ales one is offered along the way. The discerning hobbit knows that beer is, after all, beer, and it’s quite possible that the cellars of Minas Tirith may have as much to offer as the Green Dragon in Bywater. Still, hobbits and dwarves excel at the brewing of beer, while wine is the preferred drink of men and elves. Drunkenness is nothing to be ashamed of, provided it’s cheerful and conducted in a lively company.

  Brewing

  Hobbits are surely among the earliest of craft brewers. The Golden Perch in East Farthing has excellent beer (Pippin recommended it to Sam), and presumably the Green Dragon has its own ale that’s widely boasted of—widely known, at any rate—to attract a crowd from around the Shire. Sadly, no manual of Shire brews exists. (Meriadoc Brandybuck was public spirited enough to write a treatise on pipeweed, but unfortunately, nothing on beer.) However, we can assume from stories passed from one generation to the next that a number of Shire inhabitants were well experienced in the art of brewing various kinds of beer, including ale, stout, lager, pilsner, and probably (given Tolkien), India Pale Ale. God knows what they called the latter: probably Anduin Pale Ale or something.

  Eating With Hobbits

  Hobbits are fond of good plain food—and plenty of it. Second breakfasts (and lunches, teas, and dinners) are common among them. Hobbits believe that if it can’t be eaten, it doesn’t have much of a point (excepting, of course, friendship and pipeweed). Normal hobbit meals include such fare as bread, tarts, mushrooms (in abundance), cheese, meats, pies, fruit, and as much wine and ale as can decently be drunk. Hobbits adore that moment in a dinner when one is mostly full but sits around the table, nibbling at the remaining fare, and “filling up the corners.” And, of course, there’s nothing better after dinner than a long pipe and a good nap.

  Eating With the Elves

  If you love meat and are never satisfied with a meal unless it contains a juicy, thick cut of steak, well, don’t break bread with the elves. The Fair Folk are, for the most part, vegetarian. Their meals consist of bread, fruit, nuts, and wine, as well as mysterious drinks that aren’t wine, aren’t water, and yet set everyone’s tongues wagging. The best thing to do when dining with elves is to eat plenty of everything. It may not be substantial, but it will salve your hunger better than many a hearty dinner in the Shire.

  Language Tips

  The elves of Middle-earth are not linguistically homogeneous. In fact, they have a variety of languages, depending on where they’re from. For the most part, their dialects are sufficiently similar to one another that they can understand each other (the elves of Lothlórien have no difficulty in understanding Legolas Greenleaf, although he comes from Mirkwood, far to the north). Elf language, broadly speaking, is either Sindar or Quenya.

  Lembas Waybread

  The dwarves have cram; the elves have lembas. There’s really no comparison: lembas keeps a strong warrior on his feet for several days, while cram is nothing more than English public school stodge. It’s possible that the elves took cram and developed it into lembas; we really have no way of knowing the origins of this delicious yet nutritious sustenance. In any case, with a food bag full of lembas, anyone in Middle-earth can face a long journey with equanimity.

  Eating With the Dwarves

  Dwarf cuisine is unquestionably closer to hobbit tastes—and quite possibly most humans—than that of the elves. At least the dwarves eat meat! And drink beer! In large quantities! Then again, when you’re traveling on a long journey you’d much rather be carrying a supply of lembas, the elvish waybread, than the dwarvish cram (which, as Bilbo quite rightly complains, sticks in one’s throat). Dwarves, accustomed to long marches and privations, take pride in existing on short rations, something no hobbit would tolerate for a moment.

  Eating With Men

  From a hobbit’s standpoint, eating with men is the most natural option. Hobbits like good plain food—simple dishes like steak and kidney pie, ripe cheeses, tarts, and a lot of ale to wash it down with. Apart from Númenóreans and those who “live on the heights,” most men of Middle-earth would feel quite at home in a hobbit establishment such as the Green Dragon—and vice versa. The men of Minas Tirith eat bread, cheese, apples, and skins of ale, enough to satisfy for the time being the appetite of a hungry hobbit.

  Meat

  Though hobbits rarely eat meat, they won’t turn their noses up at a nice bit of steak, even if it’s cooked over an open fire on a forked stick. Possibly some venison, shot in the Wild by a helpful Ranger, would be welcome. Raccoon, possum, beaver, and rat also count for possibilities. Oh, all right! Not necessarily rat. Although it’s welcome in times of famine—if not delicious, then at least nutritious. It tastes somewhat like chicken.

  Manners

  Hobbits, whatever their background, have been raised with proper manners. Despite being in Ithilien, many miles from home, Frodo and Sam know enough to follow the dinner customs of their hosts, and rise and bow to the west before be
ginning the meal. Frodo comments that he and Sam feel a bit rustic, even in their simple surroundings, observing the customs of Faramir and the men he commands. On the other hand, as Tolkien reminds his readers, it doesn’t cost anything to observe good manners. When the dwarves unexpectedly call on Bilbo at the beginning of The Hobbit they tell him, “At your service.” He remembers to reply, “At yours and your family’s.” It’s a small gesture, but no doubt much appreciated.

  Entertainment

  Entertainment during meals isn’t expected, but it’s a nice variation. Be prepared, as part of the dinner menu, to tell the story of your travels, accompanied by songs, dancing, and possibly magic tricks. If one of you has a magical ring that makes the wearer vanish, well, that’s an added bonus.

  Comic Songs

  Should you be asked to provide entertainment at a gathering, comic songs are not advisable. After all, one’s idea of humor varies widely, and what strikes hobbits as amusing is more likely to impress a steward of Gondor as outrageously forthright or unbearably rustic. On the other hand, if you know a piece of historical or mythological poetry that you could recite, it’s not likely to offend anyone. Just make sure you remember which side is supposed to win at the end.

  Visiting Abroad

  Hobbits don’t, as a rule, stray far from home. But for those who do, certain rules apply:

  Adapt to local customs

  Stay close to the ground in the event of a battle

  Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger

  Do not meddle in the affairs of men, for they are long-winded and irrational

  Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for they find you delicious

  Oh, and as a final piece of advice: Keep plenty of pipeweed about. You never know when you’ll need it.

  Foreign Customs

  When traveling in foreign parts, one should assume that the customs of the inhabitants will be different from what a well-bred hobbit is used to. Bilbo is no doubt pleasantly surprised to find that the men of Dale hold banquets on special occasions, just as the hobbits of the Shire do every midsummer’s eve. After the destruction of the Ring, the men of Minas Tirith hold banquets and feasts as well, so no doubt Frodo and his companions are well feted.

  Banquets

  While the elves of Rivendell feast on occasion and spend many hours in the Hall of Fire telling stories and singing songs, hobbits, as Bilbo remarks, will never quite acquire the elvish taste for song and poetry. Still, the hobbits enjoy banquets, and there’s nothing wrong with marking a special occasion with a feast. After all, the hobbits of the Shire, every midsummer’s eve, hold a special banquet to elect the mayor of the Fourth Farthings, a post Will Whitflour has held at the beginning of The Lord of the Rings for some time.

  Birthdays

  Birthdays are best celebrated in the comfort of one’s own home, and in the presence of friends, relatives, and a few specially invited wizards and dwarves. However, it may be that you’ll find yourself celebrating birthdays abroad in strange, faraway places. In that case:

  Thank your guests properly before disappearing.

  Don’t regift presents, even mathoms (see below) that have circulated several times around the district. It’s still rude.

  Remember the proper names of those you’ve invited to attend. It’s not Proudfoots, it’s Proudfeet.

  The proper way to say “Thank you” at a banquet is something along the lines of “Thank you very much for coming to my little party.” It’s not “Thag kew very budge.” Even if you have a cold.

  Language Tips

  Mathoms

  The hobbits of the Shire were fond of gift giving and give presents on their birthdays to all and sundry. Given the size of the population and the general practice of interfamilial marriage, most hobbits are related to one another, which means a lot of birthday parties and, consequently, a lot of present giving.

  It’s only natural that not all presents are equally valued. The hobbits consequently developed a term for presents that are “regifted”—in some cases they were passed around the Shire two or three times before finally settling into some unhappy household. The hobbit term for such gifts is mathom.

  Although there is no modern English equivalent, the closest we can come to this term today is fruitcake.

  When Visiting on the Heights

  Cities are nervous sorts of places, with lots of people rubbing elbows with one another at far closer quarters than your average hobbit is used to. Whether built of stone or of wood, cities are unaccustomed places for hobbits to live in. Nonetheless, it’s always possible to find an inn that serves good beer. The lesson is: Adapt to circumstances.

  Be Careful What You Say

  If, by chance, you’re visiting a city and are brought before the lord of the city, don’t be too quick to volunteer for his service. You never can tell what this will get you. It’s entirely possible that a few injudiciously chosen words on your part will place you squarely in the middle of an army going to attack the Dark Lord’s tower. And no one wants that.

  Make Friends With the People Who Know Where Food Is

  Nothing is more important than breakfast—with the possible exception of second breakfast. A soldier ever goes in search of his next meal, and small men (or hobbits) may do mighty deeds at the table. The most important thing, therefore, when entering a new city, is to find out where the grub is coming from. It’s possible that there’s a well-ordered system—for instance, military kitchens (butteries)—that serve regular food. In that case, you’d be well advised to discover very quickly where they are, when meals are served, and what the portions are like.

  Make Friends With the People Who Know Where the Drink Is, Too

  Second only to knowing where your next meal is coming from is discovering who’s serving the next drink. You may have to snatch it from under someone’s nose or quietly extract it when his back is turned, but drink is essential to the enjoyment of any good round of food. Here’s a general guide to drinking:

  Beer, from a hobbit’s point of view, is what they drink in Valinor.

  Wine is great when you can’t get beer.

  Wine and beer together make a party much more fun; what could be better than an evening at the Prancing Pony in Bree, fueled by wine and beer?

  If you can’t get wine and you can’t get beer, you’re probably in Mordor (Sauron, apparently, doesn’t believe in giving his troops alcohol; life must be pretty freaking boring if you work for the Dark Lord).

  Interestingly, the first thing Saruman does when he takes over the Shire is to stop the brewing of beer, which probably says something about the hobbits’ idea of Hell.

  When in the High Places

  Hobbits may not do well in high places (such as mountains, eagle eyries, and high staircases), but they recover once they return to the level plains and hole dwellings in Hobbiton and the Shire. The truth is that most of us (hobbits included) do better in our natural environments. If you’re frightened by the circumstances in which you find yourself, always remember that sooner or later you move from the high places to the low ones, from the open, empty shelves of windy mountains to the secure burrows and comforting, panel-lined homes of the Shire.

  If You Find Yourself Talking to People Who Think They’re Better Than You

  The tone you should use is the same one you use when people want to borrow money from you. Use a tone that is firm yet dignified, calm, yet cold and concise, assured yet accommodating. Above all, let these people know you’re in control of the situation. They may think that they’ve got you besieged in a mountain with your dwarven companions, but you still have a trick or two to play. There’s no way they’re going to turn down the Arkenstone of Thráin.

  Have a Bargaining Chip

  This is the key to winning any negotiation: Have something the other side wants far more than what they’re willing to give. Like Bilbo, you may have to be a bit underhanded in getting it, but once you have it under your cloak, you can u
se it to bargain your way out of just about any situation. Remember, the Arkenstone is the key to controlling any situation with people whose motives you’re not quite sure of.

  When in Eagles’ Nests

  If you wake up in an eagle’s nest and the eagle is sitting near you, trimming its feathers, the best thing you can do is agree with whatever it says. Or does. I mean, it’s not as if the situation’s going to work out well for you, if you start arguing with it.

  Eat What You’re Given

  If an eagle (or anybody else in a similar position) offers you something to eat, take it. It’s not as if you’re likely to be offered something better. And even though rabbit or pigeon roasted over an open fire may not be your idea of haute cuisine, it’s much better than starving to death.