The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  To determine whether a wizard is bad or good, uncover their opinions on the following questions:

  Are men hopelessly corrupt and weak, and do they require a strong hand to guide them and keep them from getting into trouble?

  In the interest of the Greater Good, is it okay to sacrifice numerous members of lesser races (including Ents, elves, and hobbits)?

  Is the most important thing in the world: order

  security

  an almost fanatical devotion to our lord and master Sauron the Great

  the peace and happiness of the races of the West

  In securing the safety of the peoples of Middle-earth, would you be prepared to: enslave them

  help someone else enslave them

  take on the burden of bearing the One Ring, though it would be a tremendous personal sacrifice

  sacrifice your own safety and comfort?

  Elves are: an annoyance

  an anachronism

  food

  the bearers of ancient wisdom.

  If the wizard answers “yes” to the first two questions and anything but (d) to the remaining four, run. Run fast.

  One of the confusing things about wizards is that they tend to look alike. Gandalf and Saruman, for instance, are both old men who wear robes of white (although Saruman’s robe isn’t really white, if you look at it closely enough; it shimmers and seems to incorporate all color). You cannot trust appearance alone, so probe deeper. For example:

  If the wizard is riding on a shining white horse and is followed by an army of animate trees, he’s good.

  If the wizard is ragged, unkempt, and clinging to a tobacco pouch with the monogram “M.B.”, he’s bad.

  If the wizard is riding on the back of an eagle, he’s good.

  If the wizard is slinking around the edges of a forest, he’s bad.

  If the wizard is in command of a giant army of orcs and wargs laying waste to everything they see, he’s bad. Stay out of his way.

  Wizards are ancient spirits of Middle-earth (called “Maiar”). What other creatures encountered in Tolkien’s works are Maiar in a different form?

  Elves

  Hobbits

  Balrogs

  Dragons

  Orc chieftains

  The answer is c, balrogs.

  Don’t Make a Wizard Angry

  Wizards are notoriously short-tempered. It’s easy to tell when a wizard is angry, because he starts growling, his eyebrows bristle, he stops answering questions, and he gives short, sharp puffs on his pipe. He also stops blowing smoke rings and becomes snappish. On the other hand, a happy wizard laughs, plays practical jokes on his friends, and eats and drinks a lot. Especially drinks. A lot.

  The Magic of Wizards

  Every wizard has his own special type of magic. Gandalf’s, for instance, is fire based: He can create fire from pretty much nothing; his fireworks are legendary; and he can set treetops on fire to repel an attack by magical wolves. Saruman, on the other hand, in his latter, evil phase, can corrupt the hearts of men using his voice. Even when Saruman’s powers have been largely taken away from him and his staff is broken, his voice can still move men—and hobbits—to evil. Radagast is a master of shapes and hues and can talk to birds and beasts. So the wise hobbit will learn to use all the strengths and weaknesses of wizards, and avoid irritating them unnecessarily.

  Elf Magic

  Aside from the magic displayed by Galadriel’s mirror for the benefit of Frodo and Sam, there’s not much elf magic on offer in Middle-earth. That is, unless you look a little closer. Elves have an inherent magical quality; after all, they’re immortal beings, blessed by the Valar, which makes them magical to begin with. Those places most infested with elves acquire a magical quality that lingers long after the elves have gone. The enterprising adventurer will seek out these places and benefit from the remnants of magical power there.

  Lothlórien

  This is, perhaps, the most magical place in all of Middle-earth: the Golden Wood, ruled by Galadriel and her consort, Celeborn. Outsiders can perceive the power there, and it’s viewed with great concern by Sauron, but he can do nothing directly to combat it. (Lothlórien is, effectively, the counterpart of Dol Guldur, Sauron’s former fastness in southern Mirkwood.) Should an adventurer visit Lothlórien, he will find his hurts healed and his spirit renewed. He’ll also spend a lot more time there than he bargained for, since time flows very quickly and slowly in this land. What might seem a few weeks will turn out to be several months. If you have an urgent errand to carry out, Lothlórien might be a good place to avoid. However, if you want to view the heart of elfdom in Middle-earth, this is the place to go.

  Post-Galadriel Lothlórien

  When Galadriel leaves Middle-earth on the same boat that carries Gandalf, Bilbo, and Frodo, much of the magic leaves the Golden Wood, though Celeborn stays there for a while. Places such as Lothlórien are few and far between, but the magic in them is so strong that even today you can find it in remote wooded glades and the depths of primeval forests.

  Mirkwood

  If you happen to stray into Mirkwood the Great, be advised not to leave the path to chase will-o’-the-wisp lights. If you’re searching for the elves who inhabit this great forest, don’t worry, they’ll find you first. Elves in this forbidding wood often feast in the forest, especially in the late autumn. Outsiders definitely aren’t welcome and are likely to find themselves wandering in the dark, bumping into spiders if they try to interrupt an elven feast. The lesson is: Wait for an invitation. If the elves want to talk to you, they’ll find a way. After all, you’re on their turf now.

  Elf Gifts

  If, by chance, you’re lucky enough to spend some time with the elves, these gracious hosts may give you some very handy parting gifts. Treasure them. Some examples:

  A scabbard for your sword that ensures your sword won’t ever be broken or tarnished. That’s got to be good.

  A box of magical dust that enables you to grow a garden in record time.

  A vial containing pure light, which you can shine in moments of despair and darkness (until you get really close to the enemy, in which case the vial becomes useless).

  Some hairs from the head of an elf queen. They’ll be useful for… well, I’m sure they’ll be helpful at some point.

  Belts. They keep your trousers up when you haven’t eaten a decent meal in weeks.

  Dwarf Magic

  Dwarves aren’t a particularly magical race; most of their magic is devoted to finding their way around dark mines and tunnels and delving for precious stones and metals. Not that such things aren’t useful—it’s just that dwarves aren’t obviously magical the way that elves are, the big show-offs!

  If you want to see some dwarf magic, go to one of the following places.

  The Bridge of Khazad-dûm

  Strictly speaking, this is more a feat of engineering than of magic. A single span of stone, jumping more than fifty feet over a bottomless chasm. It has no rails and is very narrow, allowing trespassers into the underground realm to cross only in single file (and be picked off by dwarf archers on the far side). However, we might pause to ask how such a bridge could possibly support the weight of dwarves, elves, humans, hobbits, and in an extreme case, a balrog. The answer seems pretty clearly to be magic, especially when Gandalf, fighting the balrog, uses magic to break the bridge. If the dwarves, after returning to Moria upon the defeat of Sauron, rebuilt the bridge, visiting it is certainly an adventure to put on your bucket list.

  The Mirrormere

  We mentioned this earlier. Not, perhaps, the most exciting place, but if you’re doing a tour of Dwarf Magical Sites, it’s not to be missed.

  The Lonely Mountain

  Again, this is less about magic than about a famous site of a magical battle. It was the refuge of Smaug after he smoked out the dwarves and took over their kingdom. And it was also the location of the Battle of Five Armies, fought between elves, dwarves, men, orcs, and wargs. Gandalf, who was presen
t at the battle, seems to have refrained from any last-minute blasts of magic, but there’s probably plenty of magical energy lingering on the surrounding countryside. After the battle, the mountain became the site of a dwarf kingdom, ruled by Dáin Ironfoot (eventually killed in battle with Sauron’s forces during an outlying battle of the War of the Ring), and there are plenty of things to see and do if you care to visit there.

  Miscellaneous Magical Sites

  Middle-earth has plenty of magic for anyone who looks for it. So does the rest of the world, for that matter. The trick is to look in the right places. Places that have been the sites of great battles. Places that are associated with ancient artifacts. Places that have been the location of great evil or good. Among such places in Middle-earth, we mustn’t leave out the following.

  Weathertop

  Once the great fortress of Amon-sul, this is now a sad, lonely ruin on a mountaintop that surveys the surrounding countryside. It was the site of an epic confrontation between the Ringwraiths and Frodo and Aragorn, and some of the old magic lingers. Anyone trying to reach Rivendell won’t want to pass this mountain without climbing it and, perhaps, spending a night in the dell below the peak.

  Meduseld

  The Golden Hall, foundation of the nation of Rohan, and former seat of Théoden, son of Thengel (and later the seat of Eomer, son of Eomund). What little magic the Riders of Rohan have is centered on horses, their first love. In the Golden Hall, you’ll find many tributes to the close bond that exists between the people of Rohan and their steeds, including the mearas, the greatest horses in all Middle-earth. Generally, alert and enterprising adventurers can talk to or at least understand the speech of most animals. This is especially true of the Riders of Rohan and their horses. The skill may not be technically magical, but it’s extremely useful in battle.

  Isengard

  The fortress of Saruman was largely destroyed by Ents during the War of the Ring, but they couldn’t damage the tower of Isengard itself, which is certainly magical and designed to withstand any assault, magic or otherwise. Isengard consists of a large rock ring, within which are avenues leading to the tower at the center. This, in turn, divides into two towers as it rises, and between the towers at the top is a narrow platform, inscribed with mystic symbols, the sort of thing wizards like to meditate on. Below, there are all sorts of tunnels and caverns, probably reeking with magic, though not the sort of magic you’d care to mess with. The keys of Orthanc (another name for Isengard) are in the care of the king of Gondor.

  Appendix A

  A Dragon’s Perspective

  We’ve spent time discussing the hobbit approach to life—an approach that is innocent, humble, and well mannered. As with anything in life, it may be helpful to consider an alternative point of view. For that, who better to turn to than a dragon, chief villain of The Hobbit and creature of myth and legend? If one could have a discussion with a worm, what might he say? What thoughts might the fearsome creature have about life, about hobbits, and about the human world? We thought it would be fun to find out in an interview.

  Hello, kind Dragon. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us today.

  Who are you and why are you here? Do you not know to whom you speak? Do you wish to perish in flame? What is the meaning of this intrusion?

  Apologies, O Tremendous Dragon. We only want to witness your greatness, that we may see it for ourselves.

  Well. It seems you know of me … [yawns] I suppose I will allow you audience. What is it you seek? This isn’t about my treasure, is it? Touch the treasure and you’re toast.

  Toast?

  Ah, well, it is the age of men, now, isn’t it? One must keep up with the common vernacular.

  O Mighty Dragon, would you, in your magnificence, see fit to entertain a few questions?

  I suppose, but first answer mine or suffer my fearsome wrath. Who are you and from whence did you come?

  We are but the Pen-wielders, the Page-fillers, the Word-benders who’ve come to chronicle your exaltedness. We come from the Shire … by way of Cincinnati.

  Fancy titles! But words will only take you so far. Watch your tongue or you’ll be bathed in fire.

  Um … let’s talk about you.

  Oh, very well. I’ve counted my treasure more times than I can remember, so why not? Get on with it, O illustrious Word-bender.

  O Resplendent Dragon…

  Careful Pen-wielder. Do you want to burn?

  No, not today, thank you all the same.

  Well … get on with it.

  Ah … yes … well, what is your chief pleasure in life, O Devine Dragon?

  That’s your question? Really, Page-filler? Do you not see this mound of treasure I perch upon? This cradle of gold and jewels? This chaise of riches? This divan of wealth? This is the kind of treasure they write about in Forbes. Need you ask what it is that brings me pleasure?

  Well, yes. But what do you do with it?

  What do you mean, “What do I do with it?” I own it. What kind of silly question is that? “What do I do with it?” Really. What’s your next question, fool?

  How do you come by so much wealth, O Wise and Fearsome Dragon?

  Oh, now that’s a much better question. I pillage, of course—and that is the real fun, you see. I soar high above your pathetic little towns, my awesome wings darkening your skies. (See how big and magnificent they are?) [spreads awesome wings] And when I see something that sparkles, I swoop down raining fire and destruction upon everything in my path until I clutch the trinket in my sharp, sharp talon. (See how sharp it is? Would you like to test it, Word-bender?).

  So the treasure’s not really yours?

  Of course it’s mine! Who else would it belong to? Anyone who might lay claim to it is but a cinder. Either that, or their bones filled my belly for a time.

  I … um … believe I see a few artifacts that may have once belonged to dwarves.

  Speak to me not of dwarves. Have you ever tasted a dwarf? Tough, gristly, gamey creatures. Believe you me, after a meal of dwarves, one deserves a pile of treasure.

  What about hobbits?

  Hobbits? What’s that?

  You know, a hobbit … a halfling. They make great burglars.

  A hobbit. You know, I think I met one once. Filthy bugger crept into my lair and stole a golden cup from me. He was, however, very polite about it. He paid me all sorts of compliments and seemed truly impressed by my fine scales. Come to think of it, he sounded a bit like you.

  O Dazzling and Radiant Dragon, what can you tell us about today’s world?

  Today’s world? You want a dragon’s opinion about the age of men? An age when wealth is transferred over the computer and no one keeps vaults filled with actual gold and jewels to lie about in? An age where buildings are all made of metal and concrete and flame retardant materials?

  Truly, your Impressiveness.

  Well, first of all, there’s not much to eat. Men used to be quite tasty—a much more satisfying morsel than, say, a dwarf. But, alas, today men taste of chemicals. I imagine it’s all the Coke Zeros and Dorito tacos. They can’t be good for you. Can you imagine a dragon with an ulcer? Talk about heartburn. It’s an absolute travesty.

  But I guess there are some things I like about today’s world. The phones keep getting shinier and shinier—I wouldn’t mind having a pile of those to lie in. I like Words With Friends. Oh, and stretch Hummers crack me up. Global warming keeps things nice and balmy. And if the oil companies keep up the good work, pretty soon I’ll be able to set all of the oceans on fire.

  O Really Cool Dragon—

  Now, what are you carrying on about?

  I’m trying to employ the common vernacular, just like you said….

  And that’s the best you can do? Really Word-bender, you’re beginning to test my patience. My teeth are like javelins, my claws like daggers, and my breath a raging inferno.

  O Dragon the Totally Rad?

  Shall I smite you? I’m starting to think you want me to.


  What are your thoughts on friendship and love?

  I eat ponies for breakfast.

  Is there any good in the world, O Brilliant Dragon?

  Is this some kind of hobbit thing? Because, seriously. Dwarves are greedy creatures, grubbing for gold and treasure at every turn. Elves are a bunch of weirdos off somewhere dancing in the forest half the time. And men? Don’t get me started. Men are easily corrupted, killing one another over the smallest of quibbles. And here you are asking me about goodness and love. Did you miss the part where I’M A DRAGON? Thunderous wings, tail like a tree trunk, monstrous talons?

  O Resplendent Drag…

  Frrrrroooooom. [A curtain of flame sadly concludes our interview.]

  Appendix B

  Hobbit Words and

  Their Human Equivalents

  ATTERCOP: Another name for a spider (derogatory connotation).

  ATHELAS: Also known as kingsfoil, this is an herb of Middle-earth known for its healing properties. It’s the Middle-earth equivalent of Neosporin, aspirin, and chicken noodle soup all rolled into one.