For the Love of Sara

by Anne Mather

  Sister Thomas looked rather pleased with herself when she told Rachel about her visitor. "It's someone you're sure to want to see," she assured her indulgently, handing her the wig and a hand mirror to see her reflection as she put it on.

  Rachel fumbled with the fastening and surveyed herself without liking. "Who is it?" she demanded, handing Sister Thomas the mirror again. "Not - not Joel Kingdom?"

  "No." Sister Thomas shook her head. "Wait a minute. I'll get her for you."

  And before Rachel could protest that she hadn't yet said she would see the visitor, she left the room, returning a few seconds later with a small bouncing figure in red dungarees and a white tee-shirt, straight dark hair swinging about her small excited face.

  "Sara!" Rachel could hardly believe her eyes, but she met her daughter halfway, gathering her into her arms. "Oh, Sara!" half tearfully. "You don't know how good it is to see you again!"

  Sister Thomas tactfully withdrew and for several minutes they remained close to one another, exchanging the kind of greetings that all children reserve for their parents. But at last Rachel drew Sara towards a chair and sitting down, pulled the child on to her knee.

  "You look fine!" she exclaimed unsteadily. "How do you feel?"

  "I feel all right," replied Sara indifferently, shrugging her shoulders. "And I don't have to use that machine any more."

  "No, I know." Rachel moved her head helplessly. "Oh, Sara, I have missed you."

  "I missed you, too," admitted Sara, stroking her cheek. "But everyone's been ever so kind to me. I've got lots of new toys and games! Joel brought me heaps of things. He said some of them were from you."

  "Did he?" Rachel's heart gave a lurch. Controlling the tremor in her voice, she added: "And you saw Uncle James, too, didn't you?"

  Sara wrinkled her nose. "Oh, yes. But he just brought me a musical box, from Germany."

  "Oh, Sara! You don't judge people by what they bring you!"

  "I know. But Joel says he loves me. He says he wants me to be his little girl!"

  Rachel's stomach muscles tightened sickeningly. "And - and what did Uncle James say?"

  "I don't remember." Sara pursed her lips. "I don't like that man!"

  "Sara!" Rachel shook her a little. "Don't say things like that. Besides, Uncle James couldn't come and see you as often as Joel. He's been in hospital, too, remember?"

  "Why?" Sara stared at her.

  "You know. Uncle James gave you one of his kidneys so that you could get properly better!"

  "No, he didn't." Sara was disconcertingly assured. "It was that little boy - the one who died."

  Rachel was wholly confused. "What little boy who died?"

  "The boy who was knocked down by that car." Sara shook her head. "It was terribly sad. But Dr.. Lorrimer said that God made these decisions, not doctors."

  Rachel couldn't take it in. "Sara, what are you talking about?"

  Sara gave an exasperated sigh. "Don't you know anything, Mummy? I've just 'splained! A little boy was knocked down, near the hospital, the night you had your accident. Joel said the doctors looked everywhere for you, but not in a hospital!" She giggled.

  Rachel felt a dawning comprehension. "You mean - you mean you got one of this little boy's kidneys?"

  "That's just what I said!" exclaimed Sara, poking her finger at Rachel's chin. "Didn't Joel tell you?"

  Rachel looked away from her. "I - I haven't seen Joel."

  "You haven't?" Sara was surprised. "But he came to see you. I know he did." She smiled. "He wanted to tell you about my being his little girl!"

  Rachel pushed Sara off her knee and got unsteadily to her feet. Suddenly a number of things made sense. Erica's statement that Joel had arranged the transplant, her confusion when Rachel had mentioned about James being in hospital; and most of all, James's uncertainty when he first came to see , her, the uncertainty which had vanished when he realised she was unaware of the true facts. Her heart missed a beat. Was that why he had suggested they should get married at once, while she was in the hospital? It had to be. It also explained why he didn't want her to see Joel. He hadn't bargained for Sara...

  She breathed deeply. Panic, like a driving force, was rising inside her. If Sara hadn't come here - if she hadn't learned the truth, she would have married James for nothing ... for nothing...

  And yet was that entirely fair ? It was not his fault that Sara, had received another transplant. He had been prepared to go ahead with the arrangement. But the arrangement wasn't necessary now. Or was it?

  She pressed her palms to her hot cheeks. Where did this leave her? There was still Joel; his desire to adopt Sara still hovered above her head, manifest in everything Sara had said since she came into the room. She could still marry James if she wanted to keep the child.

  But could she do it? Not just because she didn't love James. If she had loved no one else, that would have been no problem? He was a likeable man in some ways, despite his ruthlessness. They might have been very happy together. But she had to think of Sara. She had to be given the chance now to choose. Joel had made her recovery possible. He had taken the decision which she, Rachel, might have hesitated about taking. She no longer had the undisputed right to the child's affections.

  "Mummy?" Sara was tugging at her dressing gown. "Mummy, what's the matter?"

  Rachel turned to her at once. "Nothing, darling." She drew her towards the chair again. "Sara, come and sit down. I -I have something to tell you. I must try and explain something to you."

  Sara frowned. "What is it? You look cross. Are you angry with me?"-

  "Angry with you?" Rachel shook her head gently. "Of course not." She hugged the little girl to her. "No, I'm not angry. I just hope you won't be angry with me."

  "Why should I be angry with you?" Sara frowned.

  Rachel sighed. "What would you say if I told you that - that Joel was really your daddy?"

  Sara gasped. "But my daddy's dead!"

  "No. No, he's not. He's very much alive."

  "Joel?"

  Rachel nodded.

  "I can't believe it." Sara's lips parted in astonishment. "He's really my daddy? But how? Why? Why aren't you living with him, then?"

  Rachel shook her head. "It's a long story, Sara. But simply it means that Mummy and Daddy had a terrible argument and split up, and you lived with me, and Joel - Joel lived in London."

  "But - " Sara's eyes clouded, "didn't he ever come to see me?"

  Rachel bit her lip. This was going to be even more difficult than she had thought. "He - he couldn't. He didn't know anything about you."

  "How?"

  Rachel hesitated. "You know where babies come from, don't you, Sara? You've seen the ladies in the village when they've been expecting babies, haven't you?"

  "Yes. They grow in mummies' tummies."

  "Yes. Well, I didn't know you were growing in my tummy until after - after Daddy and I had split up."

  Sara's face cleared. "So he knew nothing about me?"

  "Not - not until just recently."

  Sara beamed. "And now he knows, he wants me to be his little girl," she said, with great satisfaction.

  "Well-yes."

  Sara lifted her shoulders ecstatically. "Oh, how super! And we can go and live in that lovely house that looks all over London? Do you know he has a big room there that's almost all glass where he does his painting?" she asked in an awed voice.

  Rachel bent her head. "You can go and live with him if you want to, darling. Joel wants you to. But I shan't be living there with you."

  "Why not?" Sara stared at her.

  Rachel shook her head. "Sara, I know it's hard for you to understand, but - well, Joel and I don't - don't get on together. Besides, he has Erica - "

  "Oh, her!" Sara made her feelings about Erica very clear in that one word. "I don't want to live with her."

  "You'd be living with Joel," said Rachel steadily. "You'd be his little girl, as you said. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

  "Without you?" Sara's
lips trembled. "I don't want to leave you."

  Rachel sighed. "Well, there's no need for you to decide right now." She blinked back the hot tears that were burning the backs of her eyes as a thought struck her. "How did you get here anyway?"

  Sara hunched her shoulders. "Dr. Lorrimer brought me." She sniffed. "He wants to see you, too."

  "Does he?" Rachel put up a hand to her hair. "Then - then perhaps you'd better ask him to come in."

  Sara touched her hair before sliding off her knee. "Your hair's different. Not so soft. I don't like it."

  Rachel forced a faint smile. "Nor do I. It's a wig. But they had to shave off Mummy's hair to - to operate."

  Sara was distracted by this idea. "You mean - you're bald?"

  Rachel wished the word did not sound so stark somehow.

  "You might say that," she nodded.

  "Can I see?"

  "Not now." Rachel pushed her towards the door. "Go and tell Mr. Lorrimer I'd like to see him now."

  Sister Thomas took Sara away to have some orange juice while the surgeon spoke to Rachel about the after-effects of the operation. He explained what treatment she would need, and after ascertaining that Rachel understood him, he continued:

  "Sara's been extremely lucky, you know, Mrs. Gilmour. The adult transplant would have required a lot more treatment. As it is, there's absolutely no reason why Sara shouldn't live a perfectly normal life from now on."

  "I - Mr. Kingdom - Mr. Joel Kingdom, that is - said that suppressive drugs needed after an adult kidney transplant might have affected Sara's development."

  "I'm afraid he's right. At the moment, techniques in this field are still somewhat limited. But they are improving. The transplanting of kidneys into children is still in its infancy, as it were. Potentially, it's an exciting field." He paused. "Sara has been very happy with us, I think. We've kept her in a little longer than necessary after your own accident to ensure that nothing is likely to go wrong afterwards."

  "I'm very grateful to you."

  "Not at all. Sara's a charming child." Mr. Lorrimer smiled, and then looked consideringly at Rachel's pale cheeks. "But I think we've stayed long enough for a first visit, don't you? You look rather strained, Airs. Gilmour. But believe me, you have nothing to worry about."

  Hadn't she? Rachel wished she could be as certain. Saying goodbye to Sara was a painful experience, and even the child seemed to sense her anxiety.

  "Don't worry, Mummy," she whispered tremulously. "I won't leave you."

  But lying alone in her room that night, Rachel was not so sure. After all, if she did not marry James Kingdom, what kind of a life could she offer Sara compared with what Joel could do for her? Was love enough to compensate? Particularly as with Joel she would be loved, too?

  By morning she had come to a decision. She was tired, but determined. So long as she was around to divide Sara's affections, the child would never - could never - be expected to make the choice in favour of Joel. It would be far simpler if she removed herself from the arena and gave Joel his chance with the child, give him back the years she had had, with interest. At some point in the future, they could meet again, and by then Sara would be old enough to know her own mind. Now her emotions ruled her head, but it would not always be so.

  It was a shattering decision, and one which would require all her will power and strength of mind to carry out. But alone, she might be able to pick up the threads of her studies, and if she could bury herself in her work, time would pass. She wanted to weep when she thought of someone else looking after Sara, changing her clothes, brushing her hair, getting her ready for bed - sharing all the little intimacies which previously she had shared. But she mustn't give in to sentimentality. She deliberately hardened her resolve with cynicism. Sara would soon forget. Children were incredibly resilient. With Joel to help her, to entertain her, to take her with him wherever he went, she would soon forget about the dullness of her past in the brilliance of her future ...

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  BUT there was still one more hurdle to face. James Kingdom.

  Rachel knew she would have to see him and tell him exactly what she intended to do. It was a gruelling prospect, but he deserved to know her plans. Then, when she was able to leave the hospital, she would make arrangements to move away from London.

  It was two more days before James appeared. Sara came to see her again, this time accompanied by one of the young nurses from the hospital, and it did Rachel good to see her looking so fit and well. She was obviously receiving a lot of spoiling, and was growing used to getting her own way in everything. All she wanted to do was talk about how Joel came to be her daddy, and when Rachel tried to change the subject, she became upset. By the time she left, Rachel's nerves were strung to a fine pitch.

  The next morning Sister Thomas informed her that Mr. James Kingdom was here to see her. Rachel was up and dressed in the shirt, pants and waistcoat she had been wearing on the night of her accident, and when James was shown into the room he looked taken aback at the sight of her. He had strode in, confident and assured, but her appearance seemed to disconcert him.

  "Why, Rachel!" he exclaimed. "I - I'm amazed. You look almost recovered!"

  Rachel omitted to explain that she had spent some time over her make-up that morning, and that the colour in her cheeks owed more to artifice than natural good health.

  "Well," he went on, when she said nothing, "you'll be delighted to hear that I've made all the arrangements .We're to be married in two days from now."

  "Oh, no, we're not," Rachel spoke then. "I'm afraid the situation has changed, James. You and I will not be having a wedding."

  James stared at her disbelievingly. "What did you say?" His brows drew together. "What has Joel been telling you?"

  "Joel's been telling me nothing. I haven't even seen Joel - as I promised." Her lips curled. "Why did you do it, James? How could you think you'd get away with it?"

  James's face mirrored his consternation. "I don't know what you're talking about," he blustered.

  "Oh, yes, you do, James. You didn't give Sara one of your kidneys. You were in Germany at the time she had the transplant. Some poor child who died is responsible for Sara's recovery."

  James clenched his fists. "I didn't say I'd shared in the transplant, did I?"

  "Equally, you didn't say that you hadn't."

  "There's still Joel! He still wants to adopt Sara."

  "I know that." Rachel felt suddenly very tired. "I'm going to let him do it. If he wants to."

  "What?"

  "It's no use, James. I've fought him long enough."

  "Rachel, you don't know what you're saying - "

  "I do. I've thought about it constantly for the past few days. I can't deprive him of his daughter if he really wants her."

  "Rachel, this is lunacy - "

  "James, ever since Sara came to see me - "

  "Sara? Sara's been to see you?" James was staggered. "But how? Joel's in France! How - how could she?"

  "Mr. Lorrimer brought her the first time."

  "And it was she ..."

  "Yes. You should have realized. Sara is no fool. She's alert to everything going on around her."

  James paced restlessly about the room. "I can't believe you mean this, Rachel. Have you thought what could happen?"

  "If you mean - do I realise that Joel could alienate Sara's affections towards me, then yes, I know that. But I don't think he will. He wants the child, he wants to adopt her. But I think he realises she's sufficiently like me not to turn against her own mother!"

  James shook his head. "You'll regret this."

  "Probably." Rachel bent her head. "James, it hasn't been an easy decision. Don't make it any harder than it already is. All right, I know I'm letting you down, but in a sense you let me down too, when you tried to keep the truth from me. You knew - you must have guessed that that would make a difference. Oh, it's a temptation, I know. Marrying you would negate any claim Joel might have. But I can't do it. I just can't.
"

  "He'll take her away - "

  "Very probably."

  "He's bought a house in France. He's going to live there. He's giving up his lucrative career here in London."

  "That's nothing to do with me," she cried. But it was. It hurt. So he could give up his former life for Erica, but not for her. "I hope he'll be very happy."

  James stared impotently at her. "You're determined, aren't you?"

  "Yes."

  "God damn him!"

  James turned and strode out of the room, and only then did Rachel realise she was shaking. But it had been an exhausting interview, and she sought the safety of her chair. Well, that was it! It was over. All that was left now was to get well enough to leave hospital and pack up. She would not tell Sara she was going. That would be the best way. Farewells would tear her apart. She would leave a letter for Joel and he could explain to his daughter. His daughter - not her daughter any more.

  Rachel discharged herself from the hospital three days later. She did so without the approval of Mr. Frazer, and with the genuine disapproval of Sister Thomas.

  "You had a narrow escape, Mrs. Gilmour. Can't you see how foolhardy it is to risk your health now?"

  Rachel had turned, putting on her jacket. "I'm grateful for your concern, Sister, but I have to go."

  "And what about Sara? Do you think risking your health will help her? She's perfectly happy in the hospital until you're fully recovered."

  "Sara?" Rachel pressed her lips together to prevent them from trembling. "Oh, Sara will be all right. She's going to live with her father."

  Sister Thomas looked uncomfortable. "Pardon me, Mrs. Gilmour, but your husband has never been to see you."

  "I don't have a husband, Sister. Just a daughter, and a lot of bitter memories." Rachel hesitated. "Joel Kingdom is Sara's father. Now do you understand?"

  The flat had been cold and unwelcoming on her arrival, but she soon turned on the electric fire and opening a tin of milk made herself a cup of tea. She intended to stay at the flat overnight while she composed her letter to Joel. Tomorrow she would take what money she had out of the bank and buy a ticket for some other town.