Uncertain Destiny

by Carole Mortimer

  ‘I like your hair like this.’ He nuzzled against the wavy tresses. ‘It makes you look like a wanton.’ He laughed huskily as she buried her face against his chest. ‘Not quite so wanton after all,’ he murmured indulgently.

  They lay quietly together, each savouring the aftermath of their passion, the new closeness that seemed to have sprung up from what Caroline had believed would be the end of them.

  Suddenly Justin rolled over on to his stomach, his long fingers entangled in the softness of her hair as he gazed down at her intently. ‘I still want you more than I have any other woman,’ he told her intently.

  Caroline smoothed the hair from his forehead, running a caressing finger over the black velvet eye-patch. ‘I don’t think I need to be assured of that at this moment,’ she murmured indulgently, loving his weight on her.

  ‘No,’ he acknowledged heavily. ‘But you said you love me, and I—I don’t want to lose that love.’

  Even though he couldn’t love her in return. It was the first acknowledgement he had made of her admission earlier, and although her outburst had seemed to mean little to him at the time she could now see that it mattered to him very much, that he deeply regretted not being able to feel the same emotion for her. But she had gone into this marriage with her eyes wide open, and besides, she knew that he did feel something for her, otherwise he would have ended the marriage as soon as he found out about the baby. Instead he had chosen to find a compromise, one that was going to be difficult to live up to, certainly, but he had been determined to keep her in his life, as his wife.

  ‘Has knowing I don’t want our child made you hate me?’ he ground out intently.

  Her expression softened, but Justin wasn’t looking at her; his gaze unseeing, he was lost inside himself.

  ‘Children are such vulnerable creatures, you see,’ he murmured raggedly. ‘The most vulnerable things in the world…’ He trembled against her. ‘I can’t love our child, Caroline; I’m sorry.’ He lay his head against her breast, just like the vulnerable child he was so afraid of caring about.

  Caroline continued to hold him, feeling very protective at that moment. Justin was afraid of love, and loving; she would just have to surround him with so much of it he couldn’t escape feeling the emotion himself. She could do it, could do anything now that she knew he cared for her enough not to let anything end their marriage.

  A lot of women in Caroline’s situation would have felt miserable over the sudden change that had come over their life, but all mixed up with Justin’s aversion to their child was his new-found tenderness with her. In some strange, elusive way, they were closer than they had ever been.

  They never talked about the baby, and yet Caroline knew they were both very aware of its existence, that it made Justin softer and more approachable.

  For three days they lived in a romantic glow, Caroline filled with an inner peace that had her running to greet Justin when he arrived home from work in the evenings, both of them eager for the time they could close the bedroom door behind them and just forget everything but each other.

  It couldn’t last, of course, and the intrusion came in the form of a telephone call from her sister.

  ‘Well?’ Sonia demanded without preamble. ‘You can’t tell me Justin is still away on business!’

  The invitation for dinner! She had forgotten all about it in the tension of Justin’s return and his subsequent decision to carry on with their marriage and ignore the fact that she carried his child.

  ‘Er—no—’

  ‘Then why haven’t you called?’ Sonia reproved impatiently. ‘I know it isn’t going to be the most pleasant of evenings,’ she conceded with a sigh, ‘but for the sake of the family we can’t go on avoiding it.’

  When Simon had called around briefly yesterday evening he had seemed to find the whole situation rather funny. Sonia’s twin in every way, he couldn’t bring himself to be serious about anything for more than two minutes, and the predicament of his two sisters, with Sonia marrying Caroline’s ex-boyfriend, really seemed to amuse him. Having been the brunt of his practical jokes most of her life, and having taken them all in good humour, Caroline couldn’t feel angry with him over something that had been of Sonia’s and her own making. Justin seemed to consider her young brother needed a year’s hard labour to make him see the serious side of life!

  ‘No,’ she accepted softly. ‘OK, I’ll talk to Justin about it tonight.’ She grimaced at the thought of bringing this note of disharmony into their new rapport.

  ‘You mean you haven’t even spoken to him about it yet?’ Sonia groaned.

  ‘You and Tony haven’t been our main topic of conversation recently, no,’ she answered impatiently.

  ‘That’s a pity,’ Sonia drawled drily. ‘You and Justin have been ours.’

  ‘Why?’ she asked bluntly.

  ‘Tony said he’s seen you around the hospital a couple of times recently and you seem very distracted.’

  She smiled. ‘So you and he have been speculating as to whether or not the honeymoon is over?’ she derided without rancour.

  ‘Well… not exactly.’ Sonia’s squirm of discomfort could be heard in her voice. ‘But we have been concerned about you, yes.’

  ‘Well you needn’t be,’ she dismissed briskly. ‘Justin and I are very happy together,’ she said with a confidence she had only known the last three days. ‘However, I do have something I want to talk to you about when we come over,’ she added enigmatically, deliberately obscure, knowing the enjoyment of teasing her sister as she imagined Sonia’s impatience to know what she wanted to talk about.

  As a child, Sonia had always found it impossible to keep a secret, either her own or anyone else’s, and she hadn’t changed over the years, always hating having to wait for anything.

  ‘Tell me now,’ she predictably encouraged, her eagerness evident in her voice.

  ‘I’d rather not,’ Caroline dismissed lightly, mischief shining in her eyes as she smiled to herself. She was going to see her parents after work that evening to tell them about the baby; dinner with Sonia and Tony would be the ideal time to tell them about it, too. ‘It’s rather—personal,’ she added confidingly, still smiling teasingly.

  ‘Do you want me to call round tonight?’ her sister instantly offered. ‘It wouldn’t be much out of my way, and if it’s so urgent—’

  ‘Oh, it isn’t urgent,’ Caroline assured her softly. ‘It can wait until Justin and I come over for dinner.’

  Although she doubted her sister could, she acknowledged indulgently as she rang off. Christmas had always been an exhausting affair with Sonia around, her young sister refusing to let anyone go back to sleep on Christmas morning after she had woken up, demanding that she see everyone else’s presents besides her own. Waiting until Caroline went over for dinner before knowing what she wanted to talk about was going to be a severe strain on her.

  Her parents, as she had known they would be, were ecstatic at the thought of becoming grandparents, and as she listened to them chattering about the exciting event she was glad to be able to give them something back, besides her love, for all that they had given her.

  An older version of Sonia, tall and blonde and beautiful, her mother, at almost fifty, still retained the elegant slenderness that her younger daughter had also inherited. The love between her and her tall and handsome husband was a tangible thing. That love had surrounded Caroline, Sonia and Simon when they, too, had lived at home, but like all parents theirs had realised when it was time to let go so that their children could seek out loves of their own. Caroline knew that they found Justin a little aloof, that they were even a little in awe of him, but they did approve of him, of the happiness he had given their eldest daughter. And they were overjoyed at the thought of the baby.

  Her smile turned to a niggling frown during the drive home as she wondered how best to approach Justin with the idea of dinner with Sonia and Tony. She knew without being told that he wouldn’t be thrilled at the idea; he hadn’t forg
otten yet that she had been involved with Tony when the two of them had met, his bitter accusations when she first told him about the baby proof of that. But they couldn’t go on avoiding her sister and her husband for the rest of their lives, not unless they wanted to continue making things unpleasant for all her family. Except Simon, of course, who would no doubt carry on finding it amusing.

  Mrs Avery had left for the evening, the dinner almost ready, when Caroline heard her husband’s key in the lock. She tensed as if for a fight. Damn, and things had been going so well for them lately!

  ‘Mmm.’ Justin drew back slightly after accepting her kiss hello, his linked hands at the curve of her spine bringing them into intimate contact. ‘How long can dinner wait?’ he urged with husky intent.

  ‘It can’t,’ she said regretfully.

  ‘Pity,’ he drawled as he went to their bedroom to freshen up, his arm about her waist as she accompanied him.

  Perhaps it was a little early in their marriage for Justin’s desire for her to have waned, but even so, his way of always making her feel desirable filled her with a warm glow.

  She watched with unashamed enjoyment as he undressed before stepping under the shower, loving the lean beauty of his body, an excited heat coming to her cheeks. She was waiting outside the shower cubicle with a towel for him to drape about his hips when he stepped out from under the hot spray, and she sat on the side of the bath as she watched him take his second shave of the day, a dark shadow left on his jaw even after this was accomplished.

  Their gazes met often in the mirror as Justin drew the blade smoothly over his chin, a fire kindling there, becoming a flame, finally raging into burning desire, hungry for each other as Justin finally turned to sweep her up in his arms and carry her through to the bedroom.

  ‘I don’t care what’s going to spoil for dinner,’ he muttered as he threw off her clothes with practised ease. ‘You can’t look at me like that and then expect me to meekly sit down and eat dinner!’ he growled in a voice that spoke of his arousal.

  This man had never been meek about anything, and she revelled in his fierce lovemaking, matching his passion as she was the one to take them both into that swirling vortex where she could only cling to Justin as her stability to stop her floating away completely.

  They dressed slowly and leisurely, sharing intimate smiles, laughing softly together as they served up the dried chicken and overcooked vegetables; Caroline was sure that neither of them noticed what they were eating anyway as they ate without taking their gazes off each other.

  ‘Will you—will you ever show me under that?’ Caroline looked pointedly at the eye-patch. ‘It doesn’t matter if you’d rather not,’ she rushed into speech as she realised what she had done. ‘I realise it must be very painful for you to look at and—oh!’ She stared at him transfixed as he moved one slender hand up and brought the black velvet patch up on to his forehead.

  A scar ran from just below his eyebrow to his upper cheek, a thin silver line that looked deceptively harmless, the real damage the blade had done as it sliced through his flesh obvious as he looked at her with his sightless eye, the iris so light a grey it seemed almost colourless, the pupil that same void.

  It wasn’t an ugly scar to look upon; it was the thought of the wound that caused the cold shiver down her spine. She knew every inch of Justin’s body intimately, knew that he had no other scars but this one, which implied that the damage that man had done he had done deliberately. To deliberately try to blind Justin—! The thought made her feel ill.

  Justin settled the patch back into place, calmly pouring more wine for both of them, watching with satisfaction as Caroline took a swallow of hers. ‘Did you go and see your parents this evening?’ he asked conversationally—just as if he hadn’t, in effect, bared his pain to her.

  ‘Yes,’ she confirmed dismissively, her hand covering his as it rested on the table top. ‘Justin, I’m not repulsed by your scar,’ she told him earnestly. ‘I’m just—sickened by the thought of what you suffered!’ Her voice told him of the pain she now suffered with him.

  He shrugged. ‘It happened some time ago now. You’ve seen it, now let’s just forget it,’ he advised harshly.

  She should never have asked this of him tonight, should have realised, when they were both trying so hard to make their marriage work, that he wouldn’t be able to say no!

  ‘I’m sorry, Justin.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘I shouldn’t have pried.’

  His gaze was very tense. ‘Some things are better left as they are,’ he agreed in a hard voice. ‘Do you want a piece of burnt apple pie?’ His mood softened slightly as they both recalled the reason the food had been over-cooked. ‘Or shall we go through to the living-room and have coffee?’ He quirked dark brows.

  She nodded, standing up. ‘At least that won’t be burnt!’

  Justin was glancing through some papers from his briefcase when she entered the room with the coffee things, putting them away as soon as he heard her approach, although it would take a little longer for him to put his role as lawyer away, she knew from experience. It could be a little unnerving living with a man who could be both harsh stranger and tender lover, but she was learning to cope with it.

  ‘Mum and Dad send their love,’ she began to chatter as she poured their coffee. ‘Dad is in the middle of some business deal at the moment, and Mum is coping with seeing him through it, as usual. Dad makes the worst salesman I ever knew.’ She smiled indulgently, relieved to see the tension was leaving Justin as she continued to chatter her nonsense. ‘But somehow he seems to be successful at it.’ At forty-five her father had been forced to make a career change, and for the last five years he had been involved in the sale of computers. He was an easy, charming man, able to put most people at their ease, and yet he seemed to go to pieces every time he made a large sale. It was a cause of great teasing from his family.

  ‘He has charisma,’ Justin said drily.

  ‘Yes.’ She sobered, looking across at him uncertainly. ‘I told them about the baby.’

  He nodded; not by so much as a flick of an eyelid did he show that the subject disturbed or displeased him. ‘I thought that you might,’ he acknowledged distantly.

  ‘They’re thrilled for us,’ she added awkwardly.

  He gave an inclination of his head. ‘I expected that, too.’

  She felt a stab of pain at his lack of interest, and then berated herself; it was too soon for him to feel anything else. They had months yet before the baby was born.

  She looked at him beneath lowered lashes, unable to gauge his reaction to her next announcement. ‘Sonia telephoned me at work today.’ She waited breathlessly for him to say something, anything; when he didn’t, just raised questioning brows, she rushed into speech again. ‘She and Tony have invited us over for dinner.’

  Once again he showed no emotion. ‘Did you accept?’ he said curiously.

  A blush darkened her cheeks. ‘I wouldn’t do that without talking to you first.’ She shook her head.

  ‘And is that what you were doing earlier—talking to me?’ His voice was harsh.

  Her eyes widened at his implication that their love-making had been in the form of a bribe on her part.

  His mouth twisted at her pained incredulity. ‘Isn’t that the way all wives get around their husbands?’ he derided. ‘Give him a little of what he wants and then you can take a whole lot of what you want?’

  She was hurt that he could think she would be that devious, very much so, and her first instinct was to tell him to go to hell. But they had come such a long way the last three days; she didn’t want to lose that because of a cynical misunderstanding on Justin’s part.

  ‘I didn’t say that I particularly want to go to dinner with Sonia and Tony,’ she returned, her eyes steady on his.

  His gaze narrowed. ‘Why not?’

  ‘But then again I didn’t say that I didn’t want to go either,’ she said lightly. ‘I’m going to leave that decision completely up to you.’
<
br />   ‘Damned if I do and damned if I don’t?’ he drawled ruefully, his mood softening slightly.

  Caroline smiled. ‘Not really. It’s going to be awkward for all of us, and if you would rather not—’

  ‘We’ll go,’ he decided with his usual arrogance. ‘It’s time the awkwardness was brought to an end,’ he added determinedly.

  She nodded. ‘I’ll call Sonia tomorrow and tell her. In the meantime,’ her eyes glowed with mischief, ‘could I offer you another—bribe?’

  Justin gave a groan of self-disgust as he stood up and crossed the room to her side, coming down on his haunches, touching her cheek gently. ‘That was a hell of a thing for me to have said,’ he admitted with a sigh. ‘I’m sorry, Caroline.’

  She met the intensity of his gaze, smoothing back the dark swathe of his hair. ‘Not Caro?’ she encouraged in a husky voice.

  ‘Always Caro,’ he admitted ruefully. ‘Let’s leave all this for Mrs Avery to clear away in the morning and go to bed, hm?’ he encouraged softly.

  She shook her head, laughing huskily as Justin frowned his disappointment. ‘I meant I’ll get up early in the morning and clear these things away,’ she mocked, standing up. ‘Not that I didn’t think it was a good idea to go to bed. You know what they say about pregnant woman—’ She broke off, looking up at him with stricken eyes.

  ‘No,’ he returned smoothly, his arm about her waist as they walked to their bedroom. ‘What do they say?’

  Caroline’s breath left her in a relieved sigh. She had been so afraid… But it seemed the subject of her pregnancy wasn’t a taboo one; only Justin’s enthusiasm for it. Well, she had never thought these next months were going to be easy!

  She stood up on tiptoe and whispered in his ear exactly what was said about the hormones of pregnant women.

  His gaze widened teasingly as he straightened, humour glinting in the depths of silver-grey. ‘You mean you’re going to get even more demanding?’ he sighed. ‘Try and remember I’m an old man, Caroline.’

  She smiled at his reminder of what she had told him the night they me. ‘Older men make the best lovers,’ she said pertly—and then held her breath as she realised she had once again said the wrong thing after Justin’s recent suspicions that Tony had been her lover.