Trading Paint (Racing on the Edge)

by Stahl, Shey

  “You are so full of shit Riley.” Justin pushed my shoulder. “My foot slipped off the throttle, I swear!” he mimicked in a deep voice he tried to push off as mine.

  My voice was hardly deep, crackly at times but not deep.

  “I don’t sound like that and I still maintain my foot slipped.”

  “Can I get you boys anything to drink?” a flight attendant asked us politely.

  “Beers...keep ‘em coming honey.” Justin teased with her.

  We all order non-alcoholic drinks because she checked our damn ID’s.

  I leaned back and relaxed, needing the alone time. These seasons ran from February to November and left modest amounts of down time.

  By the time November rolled around, you were exhausted both mentally and physically. I checked my phone once more, hoping to see a text or voicemail from Sway and she didn’t disappoint.

  There’s always next year buddy. I have a beer waiting for you.

  I smiled and sent a text before the plane departed.

  Thanks. See you soon.

  I couldn’t wait to see Sway. The last time I saw her was toward the end of October and I missed her.

  She was finishing finals for her freshman year at Western. I wasn’t sure I could take another three years like this one. If her not being with me had an impact on the way my racing would be affected without her then I was fucked. I knew she couldn’t continue to travel and go to school and something had to give this season, for both of us.

  Redlining – Sway

  When I got home that night from seeing Jameson and the rest of the Riley family, Charlie was waiting up.

  By the grim expression on his face, I knew what was coming.

  “You need to get your head out of your ass Sway, if you’re going to do this, finish it. If not, follow him around but I guarantee you he won’t see you for who you are.” His voice continued to rise with each word. “I didn’t raise a pit lizard!”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, what could I say?

  I was acting and behaving like a pit lizard. When he called, I came running. I blew off finals; I stood up friends, anything if he needed me.

  Something had to give and I knew what it was, me. I couldn’t be in two places at once and it wasn’t fair to Jameson for me to promise to be there and then not show. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t handle the guilt any longer.

  I loved him but yet I couldn’t tell him. I wanted him but yet, I couldn’t tell him simply because I knew how he felt. I was a distraction to him and he needed to focus. Last season was a prime example.

  I watched highlights from the races I wasn’t at and heard about the temper tantrums and the girls. This wasn’t my best friend but that somehow had something to do with me. There were times that I thought maybe he might have some feelings but then he’d pull away. I don’t think Jameson knew what he wanted, besides racing.

  Alley told me he checked his phone more than anything, called non-stop and when I was there, he finally focused.

  Some could view this as him having feelings but I knew Jameson well enough to know that wasn’t the case. He depended on me because I was the one person who could keep him at ease. But I also had my dad to think about.

  He wanted me to take over at Grays Harbor eventually as he had no one else to do it and I couldn’t let him down.

  Charlie had worked so hard for so long to build Grays Harbor into the facility it was and I couldn’t just let him throw all that away. That track meant more to us than we could ever really express. When he was broken, racing put him back together, that track put him together. I couldn’t let him down so I made the decision to focus on school. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to make it away from my family for so long but I tried to be a big girl about it, tried. It didn’t work out so well when I saw Jameson the night before I left to Bellingham for winter quarter.

  Redlining – Jameson

  “When did she tell you that?” I demanded of Spencer.

  We were standing inside the sprint car shop in Elma and I set the torsion bar down. I was far too unstable to be holding something capable of destroying anything. I had been in here all morning avoiding my family and everyone else.

  “She told Alley and I overheard.” Spencer sat down on a rear tire crossing his arms over his chest. “It was too hard for her last season...you can’t expect her to travel with us forever. Like you said, she’s not your girlfriend.”

  “What exactly did she say?”

  “Just that she’s leaving for Bellingham. In order to graduate in three years she has to finish up there. Her online classes weren’t working out real well.”

  I knew this was going to happen but it pissed me off to no end that she didn’t tell me first. I thought we were best friends and now I have to find out from my fucking brother that when I leave in a few weeks she’s not coming with me?

  I spent the rest of the day out there afraid to be around anyone but myself.

  Sway came over that night and one look at her flushed distraught appearance and I couldn’t stay mad.

  We sat in silence on my bed for a while before I sighed. I had to just get it over with and it had been eating at me all day.

  “Spencer said you aren’t coming.” I mumbled my stomach knotted at the thought. I was surprised I got the words out.

  “That fucking brat,” she said shaking her head defeated.

  “So it’s true?”

  “No...I mean yes; it’s true. I can’t go with you guys but I wanted to tell you myself not have that ape tell you.”

  Hanging my head my eyes dropped to my hands.

  “When do you leave for Bellingham?”

  “Tomorrow,”

  Nodding I reached for her and pulled her into a tight hug and moved to lay down on my bed holding her. I nearly cried. I could feel the tears sting my eyes but I held my own, barely. My self-control was wavering when she burst into tears and clung to my sweatshirt.

  “I’m sorry, I just...”

  I silenced her cries with my lips for a quick kiss and pulled away before I gave in and kissed her the way I wanted to, did the things I wanted to. “Don’t apologize.”

  “I just...I want to be there with you guys. You guys are my family and now I’m traveling to Bellingham alone...I don’t even know anyone up there.” She wailed.

  “It’s all right honey. I can come see you when I can. I’ll fly out there or something.” I reassured her. “I think maybe July might be fairly open so I’ll just skip a few races.”

  “No,” she shook her head. “You can’t do that. You made this decision to race and I will not settle for you doing this half-assed. You want to be the best; you have to work hard.”

  I knew that but the thought of her alone up there was killing me.

  We eventually stopped talking and fell asleep like that on my bed. I held her the entire night hoping that offered a sense of comfort for her. I knew then that she didn’t want to leave and not come with me but it was once again Sway choosing someone else’s needs over her own. I was furious with Charlie that he was making her go to college. What if she didn’t want to work for him? He never gave her an option and I hated that. At least with me, I asked her if she wanted to come. I may have thrown a fit when she didn’t but I still asked. Charlie just told her what she’d be doing and assumed that’s what she wanted.

  When it was time to say goodbye, she was an emotional basket case and like everything else, I held it in, afraid that if I allowed myself to feel, it would break me.

  “It takes a tough person to do what you do...don’t second guess yourself.” Sway choked over her tears.

  “I won’t.” I mumbled.

  I had yet to look into her eyes. My own were fixated on my hands fumbling with the hole in my jeans as I sat on the porch.

  “Just don’t forget that. Remember why you’re doing this.”

  I nodded pulling her into a tight hug. I said nothing else but when I got home that afternoon, I sent her a text.


  See you in Eldora.

  The next time we would get to see each other was three months away. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to work and when the season opener for the USAC sprint cars opened in Ocala the following week and I wrecked, it was confirmed.

  It didn’t help that a new driver Brad Wheeler tangled with me every lap and then finally clipped my right rear sending me flying into the catch fence.

  I was not happy.

  When USAC suspended me for two races, I lost it at the hotel room that night.

  I destroyed everything in that hotel room that night. I couldn’t stop.

  The thought that Sway wasn’t there any longer was maddening to me and being suspended was the cake topper. I couldn’t control myself. I even went as far as punching my own brother when he got in the way of that Wheeler fucker and me earlier in the night.

  An hour later, I sat there curled up on the floor of the shower, my knuckles bleeding from the blunt forces. I was almost positive a few bones were broken in my hand but then again, I couldn’t feel the pain. I could only feel the constant ache thinking of her alone at college without me but worst of all, me without her.

  That night while the water washed away the debris from my engine failure, I contemplated not racing anymore. For the first time in my career, I thought maybe this wasn’t for me.

  In the morning, when I was testing in Lernerville with a broken hand, I realized why I could never quit racing.

  Comparing Sway to an engine, she’s the oil and what holds me together and keeps me running smoothly but racing makes up my engine. It’s the pistons, the bearings, the values and the headers.

  Without racing, there would be nothing for her to lubricate and I wouldn’t be a running engine. It’s all I’ve ever known and will ever know because that was me. Even though I had been running in the red for years, my engine had finally blown.

  I knew the first step to a rebuild of an engine failure.

  Now was the time to tear it apart and figure out where the mechanical failure had gone wrong in the first place and then rebuild it. I needed to drain the coolant, disconnect all the hoses and start from scratch.

  15. Dirt Tracking – Jameson

  Dirt Tracking – Driving hard into a corner on a paved track causing the rear end to swing out wide as if on a dirt surface.

  Discovering why an engine failed isn’t always an easy process. There are times when the failure is unexpected. One minute you’re riding around the track, passing cars and gaining positions and then the next thing you know all that power is gone, and it just blows. No warning, no shaking, just blows.

  I knew why I my engine failed.

  I was poorly lubricated, overheated daily, had too much heat and pressure, and my bearings were misaligned.

  I had no choice now but to disassemble, clean, inspect and rebuild.

  “Everything I’m doing is for a reason. This is what I wanted.”

  No matter how many times I told myself that, I still wondered what would be different if I didn’t let Sway leave.

  Not that I could have stopped her had I told her I felt something; that I just didn’t understand if that something was more.

  Would that have stopped the engine failure?

  Probably not. Regardless, something had to give. I’d been running in the red too long.

  Sway was always there. If I called in the middle of the night needing reassurance, she was there no matter what. Even though she wasn’t physically with me, she stood by me through it all. Despite being crabby and irritable most of the time, she was there talking me through it. She knew to leave me alone when I needed solitude and supported me when no one else did.

  We talked often. She flew out to see me whenever she could and I even made the occasional trip to Bellingham. Sure, I made use of it by racing up at Skagit but I got to see Sway and that was the real reason.

  During my 2000 season, I needed all the seat time I could get as my season was a string of shoddy performances in the USAC divisions. I was hanging strong with the World of Outlaws and even contemplated running their season full-time next year with a car from my dad.

  It had been a while since I had last seen Sway as she had been concentrating on finals and my schedule had been tight so I sat alone in the hauler prior to the opening night of Las Vegas Nationals for the World of Outlaws and talked to her on the phone.

  “Everyone knows you around here. They keep asking me if I know you!” Sway chimed. She seemed in good spirits today after her finals. It was now the middle of April and soon she’d be on spring break and I couldn’t wait for spring break.

  “And you say?”

  “I say nah, I don’t know him. I hear he’s an asshole though.” She laughed.

  “That’s what they all say.” I laughed. Leaning down to pick up the shock on the floor of the hauler, I continued our conversation. “So when do I get to see your smiling face again. I miss you.”

  “Um...well my finals are finished now so I was thinking by the time you are in Eldora I could come and see you.”

  We had planned on her coming to Eldora eventually for the Kings Royal in July but May sounded a whole hell of a lot better to me.

  My mood improved immensely.

  “That would be good. I could use some Sway time.”

  “I could use some Jameson time,” she sighed contently. “No one gets me here. They all look at me like I’m crazy.”

  “You are crazy.”

  “I know but jeez...they don’t have to look at me weird all the time.”

  “Who looks at you weird?”

  “Other girls,”

  “They’re just jealous because you’re so hot.”

  “Thanks,” she replied sarcastically and then laughed.

  Spencer opened the door to the hauler and stuck his head inside. “You’re up for hot laps.”

  I nodded and then yanked the door closed.

  “Hey Sway, I gotta go...call you after the race?”

  “Yeah, sure, good luck tonight.”

  “Thanks,” I said before bolting out the door.

  I made fast time, no surprise there but I didn’t think people noticed until I got back to the pits, my grin ratted me out when a pregnant Alley came waddling up to me with a clip board.

  “Must have talked with Sway,”

  My grin widened and thankfully I hadn’t pulled off my helmet and could disguise it.

  I still hadn’t figured out what had gone wrong with my mechanical failure but I had a good idea of where to look. Sway.

  Something was changing within our friendship but instead of trying to locate it, I overlooked it. Now wasn’t the time. She had the college thing going and I was still undecided as to where I wanted my racing career to go. So, it was what is was...friends who talked almost daily, texted like high school girls and kissed when they saw each other. To the outside world, it looked like we were dating on our own schedules but it wasn’t that. I just could never control myself around her and ended up attacking the poor girl.

  I ended up winning the feature that night and felt good about my chances for next season after battling my dad all night long I beat him by a mere three inches.

  If you think about it, slowly, I was rebuilding my engine and was trying to ensure it wasn’t just a rev motor because it needed to be one to last.

  I also needed to work on my concentration. I wasn’t focused as I’ve always been so I was working on that too.

  Sway came out to see me during her spring break when we were racing in Kansas City at Lakeside Speedway. She was originally going to come for Eldora but she ended up needing to stay and finish a few classes.

  After that trip to Kansas, I swore I’d never return to that goddamn city. Eventually I did but never during tornado season.

  The day started normally as I picked Sway up from the airport and we went to the track after eating some breakfast. I admit that I did kiss her and it was just as gratifying as it had always been.

  When we got to the t
rack, the weather started changing and the sky started talking.

  Ryder and Justin were both racing with us this weekend. Sometime after we ran out hot laps and before the heat races began, Ryder came up to me.

  “Those skies are rumbling man.”

  I looked up from the tires I was scrapping mud from into distant fields. Through a dark skyline, you could see thunderclouds rumbling and lightening flickering.

  “Yeah, they’re talking that’s for sure.”

  The race was scheduled to start sometime after three that afternoon but the weather, being spring in the Midwest, was sketchy. We sat around most of the morning wondering if they’d even get the race in until the announcer came on and said they were cancelling it.

  We packed up and pulled onto Highway 5 toward Wolcott when I noticed the sky turning colors off to the east of us. Having been around some crazy weather at times in the mid-west, I just chalked this up to a thunderstorm rolling though. Oh was I wrong.

  It wasn’t until the hail started and cars began to turn around and travel the opposite direction from us that I realized something might not be right.

  Spencer, being Spencer was just driving while blaring his new Britney Spears CD.

  Sway was just as alarmed as me but because of Spencer’s singing voice and not the weather. Alley, being pregnant and extremely exhausted was sleeping.

  I could still see Ryder’s hauler in front of us and knew Emma was with him and Tommy.

  No one else seemed to be alarmed. I thought maybe I was overreacting. I was so wrong. The shit was about to hit the fan.

  While merging onto Hutton Road, I realized this shit was flying. Looking off to the West, the sky had turned a pea soup color and the hail, was coming down so hard that you couldn’t see a foot in front of the car.

  Spencer turned the stereo down. “Shit, look at that hail!”

  Ryder pulled over before merging onto the Interstate and got out to run back to our truck with Tommy and Emma following close behind. So now we had seven people piled into the truck with Tommy sitting on my lap.

  I was not amused.