by Sara Mack
I smile. “It’s free to stay here and I need to keep up with my training. Besides, I really like most of the company, and I want to be around when Garrett wakes up.”
I park my car in front of the garage and then get out to retrieve my suitcase. Even though I’ve been spending the majority of my time here, it’s never been overnight. Plus, I needed to put on a show for my girl’s trip ruse.
“When will Matt be by to pick you up?” I ask as we head to the door.
“My guess is around eight or so. You never know when he gets together with his cousins.”
“Great! You can work out with me.”
Shel groans. “Do I have to?”
The door unexpectedly opens before us and Madeline stands there smiling. “Guess who’s awake?”
Shel and I look at each other and then sprint over the threshold. I abandon my suitcase and we head straight to Garrett’s room. When we enter, I find Joss and Jenna sitting on one side of the bed and Meg on the other. I mentally blanch at her presence, but then my eyes fall on Garrett and I break into a smile. How long have I waited to see those eyes?
“Oh! You’re here,” Joss says as she notices me. “He’s been asking for you.”
“Really?” I round the side of the bed and tease Garrett. “Don’t you have more important things to worry about?”
He gives me a tiny smile. “I thought it was weird you weren’t here.” He doesn’t sound like himself; his voice sounds rough and stuck. “I know you’ve been reading to me.”
“I have. How are you enjoying Pangalax so far?” I downloaded the book to my iPad last week.
“It’s confusing,” he says honestly. “I think I’m missing some parts.”
“You probably are.”
Joss gets up, so I can take her spot. I collect Garrett’s hand and squeeze it. He still feels cold and his overall complexion remains pale. “You scared the hell out of me. Don’t do it again.”
He rolls his tired eyes. “My apologies.”
My attention is pulled away from him as I catch Shel changing his fluids on the opposite side of the bed. “You’ve given my best friend some real hands on experience. You’re lucky I have connections; Shel is studying to be a doctor.”
He turns his head against the pillow. “So I’ve been told.”
He tries to extend his hand to Shel, but it takes a great deal of effort. She grasps it instead. “It’s nice to meet you and a relief to hear you speak. How are you feeling?”
“Exhausted and thirsty,” he rasps.
“Madeline? Could you go get Garrett a glass of ice please?”
Mad nods and leaves the room while Shel checks Garrett’s pulse. “Where is everyone?” I ask Jenna. “Do they know he’s awake?”
“James and Ash were here and they left to give him some space,” she says. “Thomas went to find Jack.”
Some weight leaves my shoulders at the mention of Jack’s name. Surely he won’t dislike me as much now that his brother has regained consciousness.
“Joss says I’ve been out for almost a week,” Garrett croaks.
“Just about,” I confirm. “Today would have been the sixth day.”
Madeline reappears with a glass filled with crushed ice from the refrigerator. She hands it to Garrett with a smile and Shel speaks up.
“That’s the first thing that’s gone down your throat and landed in your stomach in over a month. It might feel a bit weird. Promise me you’ll take it easy, okay?”
“Whatever you say,” Garrett says with a tired smile. “Thank you for everything you’ve done.”
She pats his arm in a very doctor-like manner. “Well, thank you for waking up.”
Out of the corner of my eye I see Jack materialize with Thomas and I stand. “Your brother is here. I’ll get out of your hair and let you two talk.”
“You’ll come back later?” he asks. “I’ve appreciated your voice.”
“Absolutely. We have to learn the truth about the Eridanis, right?”
He gives me a confused look. He must have missed that part.
I release his hand and head out of the room with the ladies on my heels. As we walk down the hallway, Joss says, “I’m so relieved!” Murmurs of agreement surround me. I’m more than relieved. I’m ecstatic. I can’t wait to tell Dane the news.
Once I’m in my room I text him and then unpack my stuff to find some workout clothes to lend Shel. She’s exercising with me whether she likes it or not.
“Hey.”
I look up to find James in my doorway. “Hey. What’s up?”
“Great news about Garrett, huh?” he asks as he enters the room. “I think I can breathe a bit easier now.”
“Tell me about it. I’m so glad he’s all right. Now Jack can back off and stop giving me the stink eye.”
James smirks. “What?”
“I read Jack’s mind when we were in the Intermediate. He said he’d hold me responsible if anything happened to his brother. I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet today.”
“Why would he say that? It’s not your fault Garrett was captured.”
“It kind of is,” I remind him. “I’m the one who forced him to spend time away from us, remember?”
“Yeah, but your heart was in the right place. Knowing what we know about Kellan he could have nabbed us at any time if he truly wanted to. He still can.”
“I guess,” I sigh, “but I don’t think Jack sees it that way. He was upset that I delayed the rescue because I was at the party, too.”
James takes a few steps toward me. “Trust me. Jack is hard to please. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
I shrug. I hope he’s right.
“Listen.” He pauses and shifts his weight. “I came to ask you something.”
“Shoot.”
“Will you give me an honest answer?”
I hesitate as I take in his uncertain expression. It makes me wary, but I still respond, “Yes.”
“Are you avoiding me?” he asks. “Because, lately, every time I enter a room you leave it. And, we’ve only practiced together twice in the last week. What’s going on?”
My chest tightens. He’s noticed my disappearing act around Meg. As much as I don’t want to discuss her there’s no time like the present to air my feelings.
“It’s not you,” I say and sit down on the edge of the bed. “It’s Meg. She’s everywhere you are and it’s obvious she really likes you. It’s hard to watch, you know?”
He takes a seat beside me, his hip touching mine. “Kind of like when I see you and Dane together?”
I totally deserve that. “I’m sorry for the double standard. I’ll try to be better.”
He stares at me for a moment and then cradles my face with his hand, running his thumb over my cheek. “Spend some time with me tonight,” he says quietly. “Not here in this room, but at my place.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, cautious. “I don’t want to make enemies of Meg.”
James frowns. “Why do you care what she thinks? This is about you and me. Period.”
He’s right. Why am I tiptoeing around her? “I promised Garrett I would read to him later. I’ll come by afterward, okay?”
“Okay.” He smiles and leans in to kiss my forehead. When he moves back he notices the clothes I laid out on the bed. “Headed to work out?”
I smile wickedly. “Headed to torture Shel you mean.”
His eyes light up. “Can I join you to egg her on?”
I laugh. “We’ll meet you in ten.”
When Matt came by to pick up a sore Shel she wasn’t very happy with me.
“Friends don’t do this to friends!” she shouted as she went out the door. “But I still love you!”
After they left I went to visit Garrett. I brought him up to speed on the story we’re reading after he asked some questions about what happened in the Intermediate. Even though everyone has been filling him in he wanted my perspective. He looked genuinely excited when I explained my battle with Patrick, and I got a
little overly animated in retelling it. It was good to hear him laugh; although, he ended up having some sort of coughing fit. I brought him some more ice, checked his IV the way Shel taught me to, and managed to read through one chapter before he drifted off to sleep. Once he was tucked in to my liking, I left his room to find James.
As I walk through the house, thoughts of Garrett’s homemade meals dance through my mind, making my stomach gurgle. I laugh at myself. What I wouldn’t give for some of his lasagna! Is it selfish to want him to get better quickly in order to cook?
When I arrive at James’ door I grab the handle to let myself in. Thank God for my amplified hearing because I catch myself before I interrupt. Voices can be heard on the other side, and I pause to lean closer to the wood. James and Meg are having a conversation and all thoughts of eating leave my mind. I really shouldn’t eavesdrop, but it’s way too tempting.
“…you know why.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Meg says quietly. “I’m asking if you have any feelings for me.”
James sighs, and I picture him holding his head in his hands. “I think I could.”
My breath hitches.
“I don’t understand,” Meg says and I envision her gently pulling his hands from his face. “Are you saying you don’t feel anything for me or you won’t allow yourself to?”
He releases a breath. “What I’m saying is I can’t. What if she remembers? I still love her and I’ve caused her so much pain. We can be together again and if she wants me I will give myself to her. I owe her the future we were supposed to have.”
They fall silent and my heart wants to beat out of my chest. I should walk away, but I don’t.
“James,” Meg says, “I know you care about her. My presence won’t erase that, and I’ll never be able to replace what you two had. But, you have to realize you’ll never be able to have the same relationship as before. Too much has happened. Not only between her and Dane, but between us.”
She pauses and I imagine her holding his hand.
“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been sad or angry or jealous. I understand those feelings; I went through them all when it came to my David. That’s why I wanted to help; I saw myself in you. When we were together, it seemed like I relieved your burdens; I know you made me forget mine. Then, you would go to Emma and come back a mess. Remember when you found out you couldn’t be human? How upset you were? And then we kissed and it was like a weight had been lifted. I’d never seen you anything but sad, and I finally saw a light in your eyes. I care about you, and I want to give us a chance. I think I could make you happy.”
It’s silent for a few moments and I find myself holding my breath. I hate that James was miserable. I hate that he feels obligated to me. And I hate that Meg sounds so sweet right now.
“I’m sure you could make me happy,” he admits. “I wish I could reciprocate what you feel, but I can’t. I have to focus on Emma. You have to understand why.”
A mixture of emotions swirls in my chest. I don’t want to hear anymore. I command my feet to move and they carry me back to my room. I can’t spend time with him right now; I’d be distracted trying to pretend I didn’t hear what was said. I find my phone and text James.
I can’t come by tonight. I’m sorry.
Chapter 19
James hits the floor hard. Smack! Before he can blink, I straddle his waist and pin him to the ground, pressing my forearm to his throat.
“Christ! Take it easy!”
I release him and his expression twists.
“What’s gotten into you? I take it your headache’s gone?”
After receiving my message last night, he promptly appeared at my door. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and my head was killing me. It wasn’t far from the truth. He left me alone, but asked if we could train today. So here I am. Training. And literally kicking his ass.
“Yep,” I say and spring off him. “What’s that now? Five for five? Care to go again?”
He stares at me like he doesn’t know who I am and pushes himself off the mat. “I’ll think I’ll grab a drink instead.”
He walks away and I wander to where my water bottle sits. Picking it up, I head to the wall to stare at the television. Ash was listening to CNN earlier as he hit the punching bag. Nothing goes with sweat quite like politics.
It’s hard to focus on the program and I find my thoughts turning to last night. I couldn’t sleep with my mind running in circles. I kept hearing Meg’s voice and her words; I kept replaying James’ response. When I finally forced them from my psyche it immediately turned to Dane. It was then that I realized I hadn’t heard from him at all – no phone call, no text – and I cried. I actually cried. I can’t remember the last time I was upset enough to cry. I mean, a few tears of pain trickled out when my bracelet came off, but this was a steady stream. I didn’t even cry when I killed two people! My mind then started to create scenarios involving Teagan and, when I couldn’t block them out, I got up and took a hot shower. I tried to wash away everything that was bothering me.
If only it were that easy.
My assumptions are implanted in my brain; my feelings are trapped in my chest. I’m pretty sure I’m trying to release them by beating on James.
Feeling a tug on my braid I turn around. “I didn’t know you were so interested in foreign policy.”
I give James a blank look. “What?”
“You’re staring at Anderson Cooper like you want to throttle him. Did he piss you off or something?”
“No. I’m just distracted.”
“By?”
I want to say a conversation I can’t unhear and assumptions I can’t unassume. But, instead, I say, “It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asks, concerned. “You’re not acting like yourself.”
“I’m fine.”
Movement catches my eye as I catch a glimpse of Meg across the room. She materializes, all long tan legs and cute white sundress. Her face lights up when she spots James, but as soon as she finds me her body stiffens. As quickly as she appears she evaporates.
James notices my body tense and looks over his shoulder. “Did I miss something?”
Yes, I think to myself. You’re missing something huge.
He turns back to me, confused, and I swallow. “We need to talk.”
I reach for his hand and lead him back to the mat where I sit cross-legged. He follows me, mirroring my pose, and rests his knees against mine. There’s only one way I’m going to stop this inner dialogue and trying to ignore it isn’t the answer.
“I have a confession,” I sigh. “I came over last night, but you had company.”
He looks alarmed. “I wasn’t expecting anyone but you. Why didn’t you knock?”
I take a deep breath. “Because I decided to eavesdrop instead.”
His eyes grow wide and he searches my face. “What did you hear?”
I hesitate and study our knees to gather my thoughts. It’s not long before he places his fingers beneath my chin and gently lifts my gaze. “I love you,” he says.
“I know you love the old me.” I curl my hand around his wrist. “But I’m not that person anymore.”
His hand falls from my chin. “What are you saying? Do you think I’m lying?”
“Not at all.” I shake my head. “I’m saying Meg’s words made me realize that you and I…we’ve changed.”
His eyes lock on mine as he tries to figure out where I’m headed with this.
“I love you to death,” I say honestly. “Just not in the way you deserve. You deserve to be happy and I’m making you miserable.”
He takes my hands. “You do not make me miserable!”
“Yes, I do. Meg said you’ve been sad most of the time she’s known you. I heard you say you owe me the future we were supposed to have. I don’t want you to owe me anything! You are not obligated to me.”
“Of course I am! I don’t know life without you,” he protests. “We’ve
known each other since we were ten years old; I was your first love and you were mine. We’re forever connected.”
“We always will be.” I clutch his fingers. “But Meg is right; we’re different people now. Things will never be the same. I don’t want you wasting your time waiting for the old Emma to return because I don’t know if she exists.”
He abruptly pulls his hands away from mine and my heart jumps. He grips my shoulders and looks me dead in the eye. “So you think we should give up? After all we’ve been through to be together this is how it ends?”
And with those words, everything becomes crystal clear. My vision shifts and our future stretches before me.
“No.” I give him a small smile. “Don’t you see? This is how it begins. We’re Larvatus and Allegiant, enemies by nature who defy the supernatural to remain soul mates. You can’t kick me out of your life just as much as I can’t kick you out of mine.”
He stares at me as he digests my words and I continue. “I will always have your back as long as you’ll have me. But, romantically…you need to let me go.” I can’t deny him a chance at happiness with Meg; he said last night that he could have feelings for her. My heart pounds as I utter my next sentence. “I need to let you go.”
He blinks like I’ve stung him. “What if I don’t want to be let go?”
I give him half a smile. “I think you know that you do.”
Minutes of silence pass. I’m beginning to think he’ll never say another word to me when his eyes soften. I breathe a sigh of relief.
“You’ll have my back?” he asks. “Until the end of forever?”
Why does that ring a bell? A sense of déjà vu overcomes me and the sentiment sounds perfect. “Until the end of forever.”
He removes his hands from my shoulders to cradle my face. “I will always be here for you. For whatever you need. For anything.”
“I believe you.”
He kisses my forehead and his lips linger against my skin. When he releases me, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tight. He crushes me to his chest and his hands travel up and down my back.
“Damn it, Emma,” he says against me. “I will never get over you. You know that, right? No matter how much we change you will always own a piece of my heart.”
