Addy And The Smart Guy (Big Girl Panties #3)

by Carter Ashby

  "I didn't invite her," Grey said. "She just showed up."

  Addy's mouth dropped open in shock. What a thing to say.

  But Donald didn't appear to hear. "I see what finally got him hooked," he said. "You are quite a lovely creature."

  God, really? Creature? "Thanks," Addy said flatly, and firmly extricated her hand from his grasp.

  "She's a lesbian and a militant feminist, Dad. She's not interested in your compliments."

  Donald just laughed. "Oh, son, I'm sure that's not true. Come on, ladies, I hear dinner is ready."

  Gloria walked by her husband's side. Addy hung back with Grey, slowly making their way to the dining room.

  "This is a truly different side to you, Grey," Addy said in wonderment. "The two of you have the oddest way of jesting with each other."

  "It's not jesting. He literally doesn't listen to me. Barely knows I exist. Don't let him touch you again, he's a complete sleaze."

  Addy gripped Grey's arm, not because she feared for herself, but because she worried for him. In the dining room, Grey pulled out a chair for her and took the seat next to her, regardless of the fact that his place setting was on the other side of the table. He simply reached across the table and dragged his plate and silverware to her side. Donald and Gloria sat at the ends.

  A servant brought dinner out. Addy was a little in awe of this. She'd always thought of her family as rich, but they'd never had servants. They had a maid who came in twice a week. She'd had a nanny growing up, and for a while they'd had a personal chef, but no one actually serving the food. She found herself looking around, waiting for cues as to when and how to eat.

  "So tell us about yourself, young lady," Donald said.

  "Addison," Addy said. "I'm a graduate student at the university."

  "Really? So how did you meet?"

  Addy had thought the answer to that was quite obvious, so she failed to answer swiftly enough.

  Grey jumped in and said, "We met at a swinger's club. She was sixty-nining some hot blond, and I got in on the action."

  Addy gaped at him.

  "Greyson, really," Gloria muttered.

  Grey just chuckled as he took a bite of the poached salmon on his plate.

  "Son, I'm trying to have a conversation with the first woman you've ever brought home to us." This came from Donald and was in a completely different tone than his previous dialogue.

  Even Grey looked up in surprise. "I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know you were interested in her. You want Mom and I to go?"

  Donald actually turned red at this. "What is your problem?" he blustered.

  Addy slid her hand over Grey's thigh and squeezed, but he didn't appear to notice as he laughed bitterly. "My problem is I was tricked into coming over here tonight. If it's all the same, mother, I think I'll take Addy home. If she hadn't already decided to reject me, I'm fairly certain this is the last nail in my coffin. Come on, sweetheart."

  He stood, taking Addy's wrist and pulling her to her feet. Addy cast an apologetic look to Gloria as she hurriedly dropped her fork and dabbed at the corner of her mouth with a napkin before being dragged out of the room.

  "Son, sit down!" Donald boomed.

  Grey ignored him. He made it to the front door, retrieving Addy's sweater and purse from the armoire someone had stored them in. "You look lovely in that dress, Addy," he said, as he slipped the sweater over her shoulders.

  "I thought you would like it."

  "I do. I like you in it. Come on." He opened the door for her, but Donald caught up to them out on the portico.

  "Greyson!" Donald shouted, grabbing Grey by the arm.

  Grey jerked his arm free and spun to face his dad. "What? What the fuck do you want?"

  "I want to know why you insist on being such an asshole all the time."

  Grey laughed bitterly and shook his head. Addy couldn't help but notice how he kept himself protectively in front of her.

  "Well?" Donald prodded. "Do you intend to answer me, you self-righteous son-of-a-bitch."

  This silenced Grey's laughter. "Self-righteous? I was conceived by a gold-digger and a lecherous creep. I assure you, I have nothing to be self-righteous about."

  "You call me lecherous? You knock up one of your students and you have the nerve to look down on me?"

  "Oh, I see. You've been waiting all these years for some ammunition, is that it? That why you've never confronted me? Now you think you've got something to prove I'm just as shitty a human being as you are, you think you can hurt me? Let me tell you something. Sons look to their fathers for examples of what it means to be a man. Know what you taught me? You taught me to hate myself. But I guess you're right, I am self-righteous, because as much as I hate myself, at least I know I'm better than you."

  Donald's face was contorted, his body shaking with rage. Addy would have stood rooted to the spot in shock if Grey hadn't dragged her away to her car. He opened the door for her and helped her in. Then he got in his own car and drove away without looking back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Grey drove. He just drove, fast and hard. This was new. He was always so cool. In his world, people were passive aggressive. They didn't show the true depths of their anger. They kept it buried under masks and dropped snide comments, now and then, just to make clear where they stood.

  How had this happened? How had his father managed to get the better of him? Those words that had come out of his mouth had shocked Grey as much as they'd shocked Donald. Grey had never delved deep enough into his own psyche to consciously realize how much he hated himself. But he did. It was absolutely true.

  He drove with tears blurring his vision, down I-55 toward St. Claire. He didn't know why. He thought maybe he would drive there, turn around, and drive back. Instead, he found himself meandering down the main street and turning at a corner, parking behind a bar, and dragging his feet to the front entrance.

  As soon as he stepped in, he felt his spirits lighten. This was Addy's hangout. The people here knew her and loved her. There was Kellen shooting pool with his girlfriend Zoey. There was Jayce behind the bar. He imagined none of them liked him too much at the moment. The bartender's face was impossible to read.

  Grey took a seat at the bar. He didn't have to ask for whiskey, because as soon as he opened his mouth to do it, Jayce slid a double across the counter. "Thanks," Grey said.

  "Sure," Jayce said. He made his way down the counter, wiping it down and chatting with other customers. It was a Wednesday night, fairly quiet except for the low murmur of a few customers and the clack of the pool balls.

  Jayce showed up in time to refill Grey's drink. Then the guy leaned his tattooed forearms on the counter and said, "Wanna talk? Cheaper than a shrink."

  Grey let out a laugh. "Yeah, probably about as effective. Honestly, I didn't realize there was anything fucked up about me until I fell for her."

  "That happens."

  "I was so sure," Grey said. "So sure I had things figured out. I just accepted the fact that I was a douchebag womanizer like my father, like I assumed all men were. Didn't even question it. I figured it was just nature. Just a result of society trying to make men monogamous when they were never meant to be. Seemed like a good explanation."

  Grey shook his head and stared down into his dwindling glass of liquor. He slugged it back and slammed the glass down, waiting for Jayce to refill it. "This is such a bad idea. I am not made for heavy drinking."

  Jayce chuckled. "I'll start mixing it with water."

  Grey slowed down on the drinking, just taking sips. His head was already swimming. "She got drunk last night," he said. "She was pretty cute, drunk. No hangover, either. Woke up just as perky as could be."

  "Mm, she fakes that, you know," Jayce said. "Thing is, she wakes up really early, looking like shit. Gets herself cleaned up. Drinks some coffee. Eats some toast. Then she goes back to sleep and when she wakes up again, it's like she never drank a thing."

  Grey laughed. "Good to know. Maybe I'll catch her a
t it one of these days."

  "You'd have to stick with her for a while."

  "Yeah. Well. I'm not sure that's gonna happen."

  "Why not?"

  He shook his head and drank some more. "He must not have ever loved her," he mused.

  "Who?"

  "My dad. Must not have ever loved my mom. If he felt for her the way I feel for…well, he wouldn't be sleeping with other women. He always says, 'I love you,' to her. I used to think that's what love was, a lie the man told his wife so she would stay with him while he went out and fucked other women. But whatever I feel for Addison isn't a lie. I'd never betray her with another woman. I couldn't. It'd kill me." The words just kept spilling out of his mouth. Like he was working out a puzzle. Like his perfect world had come apart in various pieces, and he had to put them back together. Only the picture coming together was different than the one he'd started with.

  There was a small hand on his back. Grey couldn't look at her. He just wasn't ready. So he drank some more. "Thanks for calling," he heard her say.

  "No problem," Jayce answered.

  Grey thought and thought until he found another missing piece. "No one's ever loved me. That's half the problem. They said the words, but it was a lie, so I thought love was a lie. But then you said it to me and it meant something. The other half is, I've never loved. I don't even like to use the word because I don't want to lie to you, and that word has always been a lie."

  "God, how much has he drank?" she asked.

  Jayce said, "Three doubles. This one's whiskey and water."

  "Don't you know better than to give a man that much whiskey when he's this upset?"

  "That's the right time to give a man this much whiskey. He's spilling his soul to you, Addy."

  "Shut up."

  "You shut up."

  Grey heard their bickering as if from a great distance. He sat up and shoved his hair out of his face. He turned to Addy, his vision swimming. "Why do you love me?"

  "Oh, baby, let's don't do this while you're drunk."

  For some reason he felt desperate to know the answer. "Please. If you can't tell me why, then it's not real. Then you're just a liar like everyone."

  She shook her head and pressed her cheek to his so that her lips were hovering near his ear. He let his eyes roll shut, comforted by the warmth of her nearness.

  "I love you because I love you," she said. "Because it just is. It's truth, Grey. My body loves your body. My heart loves your heart. My mind loves your mind. It just is. And if you have the courage to believe it, to have faith in it, then you and I can have a beautiful life together."

  He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck and just breathed.

  He woke up in Addy's bed with a splitting headache. When he reached for water, it was there. When he reached for aspirin, they were there, too. But Addy wasn't there.

  He swallowed the pills and drank the water. Then he dozed off again. The next time he woke up, he reached for food, and there was toast and coffee, but still no Addy. The food made him feel better. He sat up, cleared his throat, and shouted, "Addison!"

  His mother walked in the room.

  "Mom!" he shouted, his voice cracking like a fourteen-year-old caught masturbating. He searched for his t-shirt, found it on the floor next to the bed, and shrugged it on.

  Gloria sat on the other side of the bed, on the edge, and smiled sadly. "She had a class to attend. She asked me to babysit."

  "I've got classes—"

  "She's filling in for you. I think she had to cancel one."

  Grey took in a cleansing breath and slowly let it out. "Okay. Thanks. You can go, Mom, I'm sobered up and feeling much better."

  "I want to talk."

  "I most definitely do not want to talk."

  "We have to. For the sake of that poor girl."

  "Mom, I've got nothing to say. If you have something to say, say it. But I'm done."

  Gloria sighed and looked away. "Okay. Well I'll say it, then. I want to be honest about love. That seems to be the problem. You haven't had proper examples to guide you in your understanding, so now I'm going to tell you how it is."

  "I know you loved me, mom."

  "I didn't. Not always."

  Grey gritted his teeth. "Oh," he said. "That kind of honest."

  Gloria laughed bitterly. "When you came to us, I loved you in that moment. For a while I held you and loved you. But you were a surprise. You were sudden, and we were already set in our lives. So I gave you into the care of nannies and cooks while I went with your father whom I didn't love and who didn't love me, to parties and events and out-of-town conferences. I didn't love you then. Love is more than a feeling, it involves behavior, and I did not behave as a mother who loves her child. I did love you sometimes, but not always. As you've grown into adulthood, I've respected you because you truly have become a better person than me. A far better person than your father. I've fallen in love with you because your character has demanded it…but I should have loved you unconditionally."

  Grey listened numbly.

  "I don't love your father. Your father doesn't love anyone. Those are the facts. We use the words, but they aren't real. But Greyson, he and I are just two, broken people in this world. Your Addison, she's not broken. There are plenty of others who aren't broken either, even some who are, who have found true love. You need to open your mind to that possibility."

  That was all she said. She sat for a few minutes. Then she left. Grey showered and dressed in the clothes that either Addy or his mother had brought to him. He watched television until Addy came home at lunch.

  She gave him a sympathetic look. "How are you feeling?"

  "Fine." He stood and met her just inside the door. She was tall in her black heels, back to prim and proper in her skirt and blouse and tight ponytail. There was something else, too. A wall of some sort. Her smile wasn't as warm as it had been these past weeks. He knew what that meant, but he asked anyway. "It's Thursday. Have you decided?"

  Grey watched her breasts lift as she inhaled. He watched the resolve in her eyes, and he braced himself as she said, "I can't go with you. I'm sorry. You should take whichever job you want."

  He swallowed down the lump of pain. There would be plenty of time for emotions soon, when he was away from her. "I understand."

  "I'd like to volunteer, though. On my own. Do you think you could connect me with a recruiter?"

  "Absolutely." He forced his voice to remain detached from the wrenching pain in his chest and stomach.

  She squinted up at him. "Last night was pretty fucked up, Grey."

  He kicked at a spot on the floor. "Yeah, that was a personal rock bottom, I'd say."

  "I honestly didn't know you had all that inside of you."

  "Neither did I, kiddo. Neither did I."

  "I want you to know, I see where you're coming from. I understand why you can't say words or make promises that you don't believe in. I wish it could be different. I wish it was enough for me that you want to be with me. But I believe in forever. If I made a promise to you, I'd keep it, because I believe when two people want the same thing, nothing can stop them. I'd fight for you, work with you, love you. But believe me, I understand why you can't say the same."

  He just stared into her eyes, his jaw working. Her words weren't quite the sentimental nonsense he'd always assumed them to be. She was offering him something that was starting to look really good. Was it a phantom hope? An impossible vision? Maybe. But with Addison, surely it would be worth believing in.

  "Grey," she said.

  He could only give her a short nod, indicating he was still listening.

  "I hope…and I really mean this…I hope someday you find someone who loves you whom you can love. Because you deserve to be loved, Grey. And you deserve to know what it's like to love someone."

  He stared at her for a moment, frowning, knowing that if such a thing were possible, then he'd already found that person. He held her as she hugged him goodb
ye. He couldn't kiss her. He went back to his own apartment, where his pillow smelled like her, and so did that t-shirt she'd worn.

  He fell back on his bed, closed his eyes, and breathed through the pain. When the turmoil in his soul settled like dust after a storm, he knew, just knew, that there was no way in heaven or hell that he was going to live his life without that girl.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  There was no more faking happy for Addy. She wore her yellow sundress to school the next day and left her hair down. Those stupid ponytails always gave her a headache anyway. Besides, who was she trying to impress? She was sick of dressing demure and professional. She just wanted to be relaxed for a while.

  Grey was polite. He smiled when he saw her. Once he said, "You look very pretty today, Addy." And she said, "Thank you, Grey." There was no pretending, there, either. First names, soft voices, knowing looks.

  As soon as her last class was over, Addy got on the road and drove to St. Claire. She called Zoey on her cell phone.

  "Girl night," she said. "Whose house can we use?"

  "Let me get back to you," Zoey said. "Is this a crisis management situation, or are we just hanging out?"

  "I broke up with Grey."

  "Got it. I'll call you back in a minute."

  Addy smiled. Zoey knew her so well. If Maya had said she'd broken up with Jayce, Zoey would have offered all kinds of commiseration and kind words, knowing that Maya required emotional support. Addy was grateful for the short, down-to-business style Zoey adopted with her.

  A moment later, Zoey called her back and informed her that they would be partying at Maya's house. The kids would stay with Uncle Kellen. Perfect.

  Addy pulled into Maya's driveway a little before three o'clock. Maya greeted her at the door with a hug. "I'm so glad you came," Maya said. "Everyone should be with friends after a bad breakup."

  "It wasn't bad, it was just—"

  "All breakups are bad. Come on in. Jayce is at work, and I have to go in as soon as Kellen gets here to pick up the kids. Come sit down. Do you want coffee?"