by Skyla Madi
I lick my lips and fixate on his mouth.
“So someone came to me and asked for information on where he would be that night, and I told them. You gotta understand that by that time, your father was pissed that I left my job with him and pissed that I didn’t want to help him clean up the mess he created. He came here and forced you to go with him and told me that I’d never see your face again in my life. I didn’t know what else to do…I thought he was alone in the car by that time—”
His sobs soften as my body wraps around his and holds him as close to my heartbeat as I can get him. His long fingers clutch to the back of my t-shirt, and I let him cry as much as he needs to, because from the moment I met him, I could tell he’s held it in for a long time.
“I never meant for you to get hurt. I thought they were going to rough him up and scare the money out of him. I never thought…”
He buries himself in my hair to let the rest of it out. “I may not know much before Silver Lake, but the way you are with me now? I’ll never believe that you’d intentionally hurt me. Not for a second. I don’t need memories to know that you hold a deep place inside my heart.”
This.
This is all it freaking takes.
The sadness in his eyes gets replaced with an intense fire fueled by desire, and I know it’s only a matter of seconds before he gives into it. Jake is like a ticking time bomb—you never know when he’s going to go off and surprise the hell out of you.
His lips reach mine, and the whole freaking world explodes. Jake kisses me with frustration and confusion, but I don’t let it stop me from taking what I’m hungry for. As his lips glide over my skin, it’s like they’re returning home, and it’s an electric celebration. His rough, warm hand grips the side of my neck gently as his teeth nick the soft flesh of my collarbone.
And then he says it.
Three. Little. Words.
“I love you.”
Speechless—and not understanding why since it’s not really a shock that he feels this way—I stand in front of him with my mouth open and eyes wide. “If I say it back, it doesn’t mean the same to you as it does to me.”
Jake’s eyes darken. “You have no fucking idea what it means to me.”
“And you know what it means to me?”
“Enlighten me. What does it mean to you?”
I don’t know how to answer his question. I know that deep down somewhere in the pits of my soul, there’s a lock with the name “Jake” on it. I’ve never questioned what he means to me; I’ve only questioned what he meant to me. I can’t see myself the way he describes this loose and carefree girl who was loved by all and had beauty dripping from her every pore.
No.
Not Olivia White.
I’m awkward and annoying—sometimes—and okay, maybe a little naïve if we want to split hairs on this. I want things I can’t have, and usually I can’t even get the things I don’t want. I flutter by and watch the people around me evolve into better versions of themselves like a long, long movie.
But no.
Not Olivia White.
Not me.
But I do love him.
A lot.
Chapter Nineteen
Say it
Jake
She wants to fucking know everything so damn quickly that it’s making my head spin.
It’s not that I don’t want to tell her everything, but…
I don’t want to tell her everything.
And I haven’t.
I haven’t told her I love her so much it fucking kills me inside.
I haven’t told her that I’ve dreamed about her every single night since I’ve met her.
I haven’t told her that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.
…Well, maybe I have told her that one.
As I impatiently wait for her to say “I love you” back to me, something bad is triggered inside of me, and I know I have to make it go away. She doesn’t deserve this version of me…fuck, Lacey didn’t even deserve this fucking side of me.
The beast.
When she doesn’t say it back, I drop my hands from hers. “I’m sorry.” I take in a deep breath and wear my guilt on my sleeve. “Don’t think that I don’t love you, because I do. I really, really fucking do all the way into the deepest parts of my heart. I know you inside and out, Bug. I’m still figuring out this version of you, okay? I know that sounds fucking horrible, but it’s the truth. Don’t—” I pull her chin back from looking away so she can see the truth in my eyes. “Don’t do that. Don’t turn away. I am completely in love with you, and there’s nothing that’s ever going to change that. Not a horrible fucking father, not an accident, and sure as hell not something as silly as a fucking name. I’ll call you whatever you want…just don’t ever leave me again.” I can tell it’s startling her how intense I’m getting.
I know, baby. I’m a fucking monster.
“I’m ready to know more.” Her small voice finds me. “Jake…” Her hand takes its place on mine, and she sucks in air through her teeth. “I’m ready to know more.”
Jesus. I can’t take this shit.
Her pouty bottom lip is tucked in behind her teeth like she does when she’s nervous.
Her small fingers twirl around her silky-smooth chestnut hair like ribbons.
Her hips call to me; they want me to grab them so fucking tight she can’t stand it.
Get a grip, Jake.
Jake. Jake. Jake.
“Jake?” She calls for me through the fog of my daydream. “Hey, are you okay?”
I lick my lips and look at her. “More. You want to know more.”
She giggles. Jesus, that’s the cutest damn giggle—
“Hey.” Her voice lowers, and she’s closer to me now. “Focus.”
“I’m here.” I snap back into reality, but part of me still stays in my fantasy daydream where I’m tearing through her clothes and taking what I need from her.
I really fucking need her.
“Um, okay so…” I try and return myself to a normal state. “I told those people where your dad would be after he ran off with you. You called me and told me he’d taken you to his house, but I never knew you left with him after that. I also didn’t know they fucked with the brakes on his car and chased him down so he’d wrap it around a tree.”
“I believe you.” She puts herself in my lap. The way she curls her body into mine is fucking intoxicating and, to be honest…not fucking fair. “Where’s Michael now?”
“Federal prison in SeaTac. About half an hour from here.”
Sadness creeps into her eyes. Everything I am…I owe to this woman. She pulled me from a darkness that would’ve killed me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to have things back to normal around here where I could look at her a certain way and she’d let me take her on whatever surface we had nearby.
Not this girl.
No, Lacey Cervase was carefree, and sexiness radiated from her skin.
Olivia White is a different breed of addicting. She’s cute and small, and even though she’s always been that way, now she doesn’t have the confidence screaming behind her, making her the carefree person she once was. I like this version of her, though; she’s sweet, not tainted by the fucked-up world she was born into.
She also giggles when I touch her now instead of moans.
I really fucking like that.
“Jake, I’d like to visit my dad’s house and possibly visit him too,” she says underneath my chin. I say nothing but just hold her as the afternoon marches on. “I want to see the house in my dreams.”
I grind my teeth. “The house was sold with his estate by your sis—mother. I’m not sure if the people living there now will like us meddling around their house, but I can take you to the outside of it if you want. My mom still lives across the street from it.”
Shit.
I can’t take Olivia anywhere near my fucking mother.
“Okay, let’s go.” She squeals and bounces off m
y lap, making my dick vibrate with her.
I clear my throat. “Okay, but only on one condition.”
“What is it?”
My tongue runs across my teeth as I carefully choose my words. “After this and after I tell you the rest of the story, you’re free to ask any questions because that’s your right and I don’t want to take that from you, but you have to agree on trying to live a normal life with me.”
“With you, how? Like, move here?”
“If you want, or we can move somewhere in Silver Lake or wherever you want to go.”
She thinks about my proposal for a few minutes, but I’m confident enough to let her take her time. I know she’s going to go along with this—she has to.
“I don’t want to move in with you, Jake,” she softly says. “That’s a little too much too soon.”
Okay, didn’t see that one coming…
“Then I’ll move to Silver Lake in a real place so we aren’t apart.” She accepts my answer because she doesn’t want to make it into a thing. I know her well enough to know that. “Okay, we should shower and change if we want to get across town before nightfall.”
Olivia laughs. “It’s only mid-afternoon.”
I pick her up unexpectedly and throw her over my shoulder while she squeals with glee. “Baby, you forget that I’ve lived with you before. I know how long it takes you to get ready for things, and trust me, we won’t be leaving for another few hours.”
Her round ass is staring me in the face. Literally. There isn’t much I can do to stop myself from slapping it and listening to her giggle uncontrollably. At this point, who fucking knows what I am to her, but I know what she is to me.
She’s mine.
My everything.
“Are you going to be okay wearing some clothes from the closet? I can run out and pick something up for you if you want,” I offer, but she waves me off.
“I’m sure I can find something that doesn’t make me feel like an imposter.” She smiles.
This is my chance. “Do you still feel that way?”
She nods and starts sifting through the clothes hanging next to us. “Sometimes, yes. Then again, sometimes no. I think you’re confusing me more than I already was, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, really. I just wish I could find the key to unlock everything and move on. All of this is exhausting, and it’s really terrifying finding out your real family was so horrible.”
“Your mother, father, and Caitlyn are your real family. As pissed at them as I was, I still understood why they hid you away. Your dad was going to take you down with him one way or another.”
Her eyes grow wide with fear. “Am I in danger here?”
“No, you’re not.”
I don’t know how to answer her without freaking her the hell out. I can’t fucking tell her the absolute truth about what happened to the brakes of the car or she’ll never want to see me again.
Olivia takes her t-shirt off and unhooks her bra without hesitation. She knows I’m watching her; the softness of her skin beckons me to reach out and touch it, but I hold back the best I can.
With her back facing me, she braids her long, chestnut hair down the side of her body and misses a few stray strands that tickle her shoulders. The need to race to her and kiss her bare flesh overwhelms me, but I manage to stand my ground long enough for her to slip on another black bra and lipstick-red sweater. There’s a chill in the air outside, but in this small room I can almost see the steam from the heat between us. The loose shorts of mine she’s got on slide down her smooth legs and find their new home on the floor at her feet.
“Are you purposely trying to tease me?” A growl from the back of my throat finds its way out. “If so, you’re doing a fucking fantastic job.”
She turns, and her cheeks are flushed. “I wasn’t trying to tease you; I thought you’d left.” Her blush deepens, and she’s so embarrassed that now I feel bad. “I didn’t mean to—”
“I’m sorry, I should’ve left the room and given you privacy,” I apologize, taking a few steps back.
She snickers and finds a folded pair of jeans in a drawer next to her. After pulling them on and being impressed that they fit like a glove, her eyes find mine again. “We are literally the dumbest people on the planet—you get that, right?” She starts to laugh, and it’s so contagious that I can’t help but join her. “We are a perfect match, you and I. Me with my broken past and lost memories and you with your dripping sadness and lurking Hulk anger.”
“I’d like to think we’re perfect for each other.” I slowly move my body toward her, but she doesn’t back away once. “And I don’t have dripping sadness, Bug. I have some serious fucking need for you to be writhing underneath me, but that’s about it.”
Olivia snickers, but her eyes stay locked with mine while she bends over to put on a pair of sneakers. “Aren’t you going to get dressed so we can go?”
I nod. “I was waiting for you to finish.”
I pull off my own t-shirt, and her eyes glue to my skin. I don’t think much about the way I look anymore; ever since Olivia found me and pressed me into her heart like a petal between book pages, I haven’t found a need to care about what I look like for anyone else.
As she watches me, her eyes trace over my tattoos like she’s studying from a textbook. First, she gazes over the tree, then the mockingbird, and then rests on the Roman numerals on my shoulder blade. Out of all the pieces of ink she could ask about, of course that’s the one she picks to lock her eyes questioningly on mine about. “What do those numbers mean?” She wiggles her little finger around in the air. “Are those Roman numerals?”
I run my finger along my shoulder blade where the tattoo is. “It says July 12, 2010. The day that I realized I was in love with you.” The flush and heat on my cheeks doesn’t compare at all to the fire in her eyes when she processes what I’ve told her. I fucking love it when I surprise her enough and it shows on her face; I also fucking love it when she looks at me like I’m the only person in this entire damn world who understands her.
She isn’t wrong.
“That date is special to me, Bug. It’s the day my life changed and turned upside down. I couldn’t sleep without thinking about you or eat without worrying where you were. I wanted to spend every second with you, and I often did until your overbearing father stepped in.”
The dark strands of her hair frame her face and sway when she shakes her head. “Sounds like you were obsessed with me.” Her smirk eases my nerves because she’s trying to be sexy and funny. Shit, she doesn’t have to try to be sexy…I’m not the only one who wants her.
“So…” She walks toward me and places a finger on the newfound tattoo. “Are all of your tattoos because of me?”
“Yes,” I say instantly. “Everything is about you.”
“Not everything.”
I place my hands on her shoulders to stop her from moving around my body. “Olivia, I want to be with you.”
Her cute-ass giggle rings in my ears. “You are with me.”
Shaking my head, I let go of her shoulders. “No, I mean…you know what I mean.”
“Jake—”
The anger rises in my throat, and I told myself a long fucking time ago that I’d never be that person with her. It’s frustrating that she can’t remember our life and how much we loved each other, and I know it’s there…it’s deep down in her heart, but it’s buried beneath a year of confusion and fear. It’s my job to protect her and help her, and even though I’ve done a shitty job of it lately, I’m trying to make up for it now by keeping her close.
“Olivia, you confuse me every damn day. I love you, and I know you love me…it’s just really fucking hard to keep my distance when I know what we had and you don’t. But it’s my fault and I have to live with that…and I’m prepared to do that.”
The laugh she gives me should piss me off, but it makes me blush instead. “Well, you do have my life tattooed across your body like a road map to my memories.”
/> “Like I said…everything is about you.”
The way she licks her lips slays me. “I don’t want everything to be about me. I just want to be normal, and my normal is piecing together what I’ve missed so I can move on. I know you’re part of my life, Jake—there’s no guessing about that, and maybe I do have new and old feelings for you…”
Her voice starts to shake, and I know her well enough to recognize what it means.
“Say it, Olivia.” I nudge her with my tone of voice. “Just say it.”
My fingers find the ends of her braid and play with it. She loves it when I touch her; I can tell. The way her skin moves toward my touch always lets her true feelings shine through. This time is no different as I run my thumb along her pouty bottom lip and bend down to kiss it. She lets me glide my lips across hers for a few seconds before returning the kiss, folding her arms around my neck and letting me pull her so tightly into me that I can barely breathe.
“Say it,” I coax her again. “I want to hear you say it.”
“If I say it, it becomes real, and I don’t want the only real thing in my life to go away,” she whispers into my chest. “I don’t want you to go away.”
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I just want to hear you say it. I want that part of our lives to settle back into normal so everything else has a chance too.”
She breathes in deeply, taking in every ounce of air that she can.
She’s going to say it.
Please fucking say it.
I need to hear you say it, Olivia.
“I love you, Jake.” She burrows deeper into my chest. “I don’t know what that means, but I know that now that you’re here…I don’t ever want to let you go.”
My body relaxes, and for the first time in a long time…
I’m at peace.
Chapter Twenty
Goodbye
I wait for Jake to get dressed and realize that I need so many things that I don’t have. I need a toothbrush, a hairbrush, and my own clothes, for starters. What am I talking about? I know I don’t live here—not really—but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s home, either.
