by Skyla Madi
What am I going to do?
He didn’t force me into telling him that I love him: I wanted to do that. I do love him, for reasons unknown other than I just…know. I just know. I just know. I just know.
Nope. Saying it three times in a row doesn’t make it any clearer.
“Hey, baby?” Jake calls for me from the bathroom.
I slip on shoes and trot to the open door, where he’s grinning at me with a face full of shaving cream and a razor in his hand. “What if the people that live in the house let us walk through? What are you wanting to do there?”
I shrug and watch him continue shaving. I know he’s making this small talk because I was out of his view and telling someone you love them for the first time—in this lifetime I guess, anyway—and then leaving them to their own thoughts may or may not be dangerous, especially for someone as heartfelt and sensitive as Jake.
“Do you think it’ll help me remember anything?” I ask.
After he finishes shaving, I hand him a towel, and the smile that’s been on his face since I said those three little words hasn’t faded one bit. “The only thing we can do is try. Let me ask you a question.” He leans over onto the sink and comes eye level with me. “Do you really want to remember all the bad shit when you have a chance to get a clean break from everything? You can make new memories without your fucked-up dad in them or the accident.”
“I want to remember, Jake. I want to remember who I really am.”
He licks his lips and brushes hair from my face. “You are who you want to be, Bug. You decide that, not memories of the person you once were.”
“I’d like to think I’m the kind of person who tries.” Our eyes lock together. “What if I get there and remember everything? Wouldn’t that be amazing?”
He sighs, and I notice that he’s naked—well, naked except for a white towel covering his lower half. Until now, I’ve been so worried about where I’ve been…that I’m missing what’s in front of me and where I am right now.
Don’t touch him, Olivia.
Don’t do it.
I reach out and place my palm over his rapidly beating heart. “After we’re done with visiting the old house, I’d like you to take me to a grocery store to pick up a few things. We can’t stay here without food.” I know I’m blushing, but there’s nothing I can do about it now that his interest is piqued and he’s crossed his long arms over his hard chest, tucking my hand beneath the weight.
Oh, no.
Don’t stare.
You’ll want him more than you already do.
“Olivia?” The sexy smirk on his lips annoys me. “Something wrong?”
I quickly shake my head. “I’m ready to go—maybe you should finish getting dressed and meet me downstairs? I’ll drive.” I find a smile and stick it on my lips. Not bothering to listen to his response, I huff and leave the room.
The car keys to my alleged deep blue Mercedes are hanging right where Jake said they would be. Opening a few doors, I find the garage and step inside to a frigid and dark space. Fumbling around, I find the light switch, and my jaw drops to the floor. I’m standing in the empty space where Jake’s car must belong, because next to it is the exact car Jake said would be here. My stomach drops, and something clicks when I use the keyless remote to start it and open the door.
Something inside of me tells me that it’s going to smell like lavender when I shut the door. Inhaling a deep breath, the flowery scent tickles my nose and releases pleasure into my body. The large garage door behind me opens, and Jake steps into the now-lit space. His jeans hug his body in every place they should, and it makes me lick my lips. He tightens a black leather motorcycle jacket around his tall body, and the maroon sweater beneath it peeks through a bit.
“Why do you wear a motorcycle jacket if you don’t ride?” I joke as he gets into the passenger side of the car. He smiles and hands me a jacket; I blush because I’m making fun of him when he’s trying to take care of me.
He slowly nods to the front of the garage where two beast-like motorcycles shine light into my eyes from their shiny chrome parts.
“Oh.” My cheeks flush with heat harder. “I guess I don’t remember that, either.”
Jake lets out a slow breath. “I don’t expect you to remember anything, Olivia. My expectations of that are very, very low. Not because I think you can’t do it, but because I don’t want you to.”
My eyes narrow at him. “How can I trust you to take me to this house when you don’t want me to remember? For all I know, you could lie about what house it really is just to satisfy me.”
His seat belt buckles, and his boyish charm hits me like a ton of bricks. “You’ve seen it in your dreams, haven’t you? I love you. I don’t want you to ever think like that about me. If you want someone else to take you—”
“I don’t want anyone else,” I blurt out. “I want you.”
Two seconds.
That’s how long it takes for his hidden tattooed arms to reach out to me and pull my lips onto his. He’s hungry for me, and honestly, after so long of not knowing where I belong in my own life…it’s good to be wanted. I want Jake too, though, and that’s going to be a problem for me. I can’t be the person he wants me to be no matter how much he denies that he wants me to change back to Lacey Cervase.
But I’m Olivia White.
I love hard and don’t trust easily.
Except when it comes to Jake Redding.
His fingers find my lips as we part, and he rests his forehead on mine. “The feeling that’s in the bottom of your stomach right now? The bubbly, light snapping feeling? That’s what you do to me every time you smile at me. That’s love, baby, and I never want it to go away again.”
Our lips find each other again, and this time I don’t hold back. I take everything he’s willing to give to me and then some. I don’t realize how long I haven’t been breathing until he forces himself to sit back in his own chair and lick his lips. “We better get going or I’m going to take you back in that house and we won’t be leaving.”
A zip of excitement flashes through my body. “We wouldn’t want that, would we?” I smirk and put the car in reverse. He directs me through the streets of suburban Seattle until we get stuck at a stoplight that takes forever to turn.
Jake clears his throat. “Maybe we should talk about that.”
“Talk about what? Did I miss a turn?”
He laughs, and the light turns green. I start driving through the intersection, and his long fingers tap on the door. “No, we should talk about sex.”
Shit! Keep cool, Olivia!
Eyes on the road!
“Sex?” The word trickles from my lips like it’s forbidden. “When?”
He laughs at me again, and this time it annoys me. “Uh, whenever you want, baby. I’m open to it right now in a parking lot to be fucking honest.”
I pretend to gag, and he frowns. “In a parking lot? Jesus, Jake.”
“What?” He acts offended—and maybe he is, but I don’t care. “Listen, it’s been over a year for me, and I don’t know who you’ve been—”
“Don’t even. I haven’t had sex with anyone since moving to Silver Lake. You can count on that.”
“I didn’t mean to piss you off.” Sadness lifts his voice through the car. “I was just stating a fact. I won’t have sex with anyone but you.” His curls bounce on his head as he shakes it violently. “I can’t have sex with anyone but you.”
“Can’t? How do you know?”
“I just know,” he mumbles, and a sour feeling hits my stomach.
My skin crawls. “Never mind. Which way?”
He points in the direction to turn, and the car lurches where his finger stops. “I just want you to know that there’s nothing stopping me from being with you other than you deciding when the time is right for us again.”
“And if I never decide that?”
A small hitch in his breath pings around the car. “I hope that never happens, but if it does…I’l
l just have to deal with it, won’t I?” The growl in the back of his throat wants to come out and play. “But just keep in mind that telling me you love me back there at the house…that’s turned me on a thousand times more than you ever fucking have. There, that’s the house.”
I stop the car where he’s pointing and pull off to the side of the road.
That’s the house in my dreams.
He’s looking out his window across the street at what I can assume is his mother’s house, like he said before. All of the houses around look like mini mansions—ridiculously large properties that take an obscene amount of money to maintain and keep up to your neighbors’ standards.
“Is that your mother’s house?” I squint to see through the impending moonlight better. “Why is there a for sale sign on the front lawn? Because you refused to give her your money?”
He slowly nods. “I know it sounds cruel.”
“I wish I remembered her and what she was like to you so I can understand.” My eyes find my lap and stick there like glue. “What was she like?”
Jake hooks his finger beneath my chin and lifts my gaze back to him. His wide lips frown at my sadness. My thumb lightly runs over the right pocket of his mouth, and his frown fades into a smile. Sliding his hand up my arm, he moves my finger to the center of his lips and kisses it gently.
“I don’t want you to ever feel ashamed of your memories, baby. It’s not your fault, and you’re trying.” The smile deepens on his lips. “I know you’re chasing someone you used to be. That’s not you anymore, and that’s okay.” His copper blonde curls fall on his forehead as he nods toward the house across from his mother’s. “That’s where you grew up. It doesn’t mean you belong there now, understand?”
“I get it, Jake. I’m glad you’re here with me.”
He winks and kisses my finger again. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
I take a deep breath and look at the house we’re here to see. It’s so big that three of my parents’ houses could fit inside comfortably. A long, dark circle drive runs in front of it and tall, gray pillars look like they’re holding up three tall stories of house. The large window in the lower level—that looks like it’s where a living room would be—catches my attention, and I can’t take my eyes from it.
“Anything familiar?” Jake asks.
“Maybe.” I open the car door to get out. He races out of his side and meets me on the sidewalk before I shut my door. He holds out his hand, and I take it immediately without a second thought. There’s no cars in the drive, and it doesn’t even look like anyone lives here at all. The air is so silent that it creeps me out, but I stop in front of the window once we walk close enough to it and peer in.
The room is empty.
“Huh,” I gruff. “I guess no one lives here.”
Something that sounds like heels clicks on the walkway behind us, and a tall, blonde woman in a sparkly evening gown crosses her arms over her chest. “What are you two doing here?”
Jake growls. “We’re leaving, Mother. Don’t worry.”
Jake’s mother. She snarls her red-painted lips at me like she wants to rip eyes out. “How dare you bring her back here after what she’s done to you…what she’s done to this family!” Her whisper is so harsh that it hurts my heart. “She’s nothing but a manipulative, controlling little beast just like her father!”
“Don’t fucking talk to her like that.” His voice is a low warning. “Olivia, don’t listen to her.”
She scoffs. “Olivia? Is that what you’re calling yourself now? I see right through you, you little wench. I know you’re putting on an act; I know you remember everything. I watched you drag my son through the mud and muck with your dirty father, and I’m not going to sit back and watch it again.”
“I don’t even know you!” I explode at her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
The woman’s laugh rattles my insides. “You know damn well what I’m talking about. Sit there and pretend you don’t remember, that’s fine. My son told me the truth, and you’re lucky I’m keeping my mouth shut about it.”
“The truth about what? I barely remember anything!”
Her eyes narrow, and she stares directly into my soul. “My son’s love for you weakened him. You took advantage of his weakness for you and played him right into the hands of the devil, didn’t you? Please, don’t disrespect me and stand there like you don’t know what he did for you!”
Jake’s body starts to shake. “Shut the fuck up! Don’t say another word!”
“Tell me.” My voice finds her through the screaming.
“Jake cut those brake lines because he thought it was the only way you two could be together. You’re just a girl…I tried telling him you weren’t worth the consequences, but he didn’t listen.”
My focus goes to Jake as tears stream down his face.
“You?” My legs shake, and I want to run. “It was you that cut the brakes? It was you that did this to me?”
The world spins so fast that I can’t catch my breath. My feet feel like they’re floating, and before I know it, the arguing stops and they both look at me with heavy concern in their eyes.
“Bug…” Jake slowly walks toward me with his hands in defense mode. “I can explain.”
“You lied to me.” My body rattles with rage. “You lied to me!”
Before he can answer for himself or catch me, my legs take me back to the car, and I’m able to shut and lock the door before Jake can reach me. He doesn’t look angry as he pleads with me to open the door and let him inside, but I’m not about to do that.
“Bug, let me in.” He rests his forehead against the glass. His brown eyes meet mine, and I almost do what he asks before my instincts kick back in. “I’m not going to hurt you. You know that, right?”
I purse my lips. “I’m going home.”
“Okay, let me go—”
“Home to Silver Lake. Don’t follow me. Don’t call me, and don’t show your fucking face there. I don’t want to see you anymore, Jake. You were the one person who I trusted, and you lied straight to my face!” I crack the window a little so he can hear me better. “You told me it was someone my father owed money to! It was you…what kind of a person—”
Jake nervously looks around. “I know I’m a monster. I shouldn’t have brought you here.”
I laugh so loud that it echoes in the car. “I shouldn’t even be here with you!”
“You don’t mean that—”
“I mean it. I take back everything, Jake. I can’t love someone like you.”
Jake sighs and tries the door handle again. “Please, baby, don’t leave. I can’t promise that I won’t follow you back to Silver Lake…I can’t do that.” His pleads get louder, and I see tears in his eyes. “We can move anywhere you want to move. We can leave everything behind. Just don’t tell me goodbye, Bug.”
I don’t blink.
“Goodbye, Jake,” I say and hit the gas pedal, leaving him a broken mess on the sidewalk.
He wanted me to fix him, and I just broke his heart for a second time.
Chapter Twenty-One
Blame
The drive back to Silver Lake went much quicker than I thought it would. Maybe it’s because I was seething the entire way home; my mind is teeming with questions that I want to bombard my family with. There’s no way I’m telling them about Jake’s secret; they already hate him enough on their own without adding fuel to the fire.
Jake’s been calling me nonstop since I left him broken on the sidewalk, but not once did I care to answer. I trusted him, and he lied to me. Everyone always lies to me, and it’s going to stop right now.
I know I have a good half an hour head start before Jake, and I know he’s on his way. There’s no doubt in my mind that he isn’t going to listen to me and stay away. Knowing him, he’s probably racing down the freeway as we speak, white knuckling the steering wheel and cursing into the wind.
Home.
There’s my pa
rents’ house, lit up and waiting for me to come back.
Not wasting any time, I slam the car into park in the driveway and throw myself out onto the pavement. I want to rip my clothes off because they make me feel like an imposter, but as I reach the front door and it opens on its own, my thoughts shift and my mother’s face meets me just a few feet away.
“No more lies. I want the truth.” I grit my teeth, and she looks defeated. They all know that they’ve been found out as I brush past her and see Caitlyn and my dad—or whoever he really is—sitting with their heads down in the living room. My body whirls back to my mother—sister, whatever—as she shuts the front door and locks the deadbolt. “No need to do that. I’m not staying long,” I growl as she steps into the room.
She crosses her arms over her chest. “Look, I think you better sit down and take a deep breath before we start explaining. You ran off with Jake, and we were left to worry about you.”
“Are you blaming Jake for this?” my voice booms. “This has nothing to do with him!”
“The hell it doesn’t!” she screams back. I’ve never heard her raise her voice to this level before, and it’s a little off-kilter. “It’s his fault you were in that car, because you weren’t even supposed to be with him! He’s the reason those thugs cut the brake lines, and he’s the reason they knew where and when to do it! Don’t you see, Olivia? You’ve trusted him wrongly once again!”
They don’t know the truth.
There’s no way I’m telling them anything.
“Leave Jake out of this!” I look around to Caitlyn and my fake father.
My father—or brother-in-law, I guess—speaks up. “Make no mistake that we’ve treated you like our own this past year, and we’ve enjoyed having you. The reason we don’t have any pictures together is because there aren’t any. We didn’t know you as Lacey: We only know you as Olivia. Do you think it’s fair to treat us like this when we’ve done nothing but try and help you?”
“We turned our lives upside down for you,” Caitlyn chimes in. “I left my life in Seattle behind so I could protect you from what happened.”
