Uncle John's Creature Feature Bathroom Reader For Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  COUNT DRACULA

  The inspiration for this batty villain was Prince Vlad, a 15th century Romanian ruler who had a nasty habit of impaling his enemies on sharp stakes (and dipping his bread in their blood). Vlad the Impaler, as he was known to his enemies, was also called Dracula, or “son of the dragon.”

  FREDDY KRUEGER

  Writer/director Wes Craven based the evil character in his Nightmare on Elm Street films after a kid named Freddy who harassed and bullied him in high school.

  REVOLTING RECORDS

  FARTHEST NOSE BLOW

  On August 13, 1999, Scot Jeckel launched a marshmallow from his nostril into the mouth of his friend Ray Perisin. The record blow: a mighty 16 feet, 3½ inches.

  MOST COBRA KISSES

  In 1999 Gordon Cates of Alachua, Florida, set a world record by kissing 11 deadly cobras in a row.

  LOUDEST BURP

  On April 5, 2000, Paul Hunn of London, England, burped one that registered 118.1 decibels. (That’s almost as loud as a jumbo jet taking off.)

  BIGGEST EYEBALL POPPER

  Kim Goodman of Chicago set a strange world record on June 13, 1998, when she popped her eyeballs 11 millimeters (almost ½-inch) out of their sockets.

  FARTHEST CRICKET SPITTER

  The world record for farthest dead cricket spitting is 32 feet. It was set in 1998 by Dan Capps at Purdue University’s annual Bug Bowl in West Lafayette, Indiana.

  FASTEST WORM EATER

  On November 15, 2003, “Snake” Manoharan of Madras, India, ate 200 earthworms in 30 seconds, breaking the previous record set by American Mike Hogg. (Snake likes to finish off his worm-eating act by putting his pet snake up his nose and pulling it out through his mouth.)

  FARTHEST MILK SQUIRT

  Ilker Yilmaz has an unusual talent. He can squirt milk from his eye. And he squirts it farther than anyone else in the world. He proved it on September 1, 2004, when he shot some milk 9 feet 2 inches at the Armada Hotel in Istanbul, Turkey.

  MOST TIME SPENT WITH SCORPIONS

  Nur Malena Hassan from Malaysia set a world record in 2004. Her feat: she endured 36 days locked in a small glass box with 6,069 scorpions. The 27-year-old Scorpion Queen was stung 17 times…and lived to tell about it!

  CREEPY CURES

  Don’t try these at home, but before modern medicine, people relied on folk remedies. How, for example, would they cure…

  A TOOTHACHE? Chew on a peppercorn.

  SWOLLEN EYES? Take a live crab; remove its eyes. Put the crab back in the water and put the eyeballs on your neck.

  SORE THROAT? Tie nine knots in a black thread and wear it around your neck for nine days.

  SNAKEBITE? Put earwax on the bite and ask someone to say a prayer for you.

  INGROWN TOENAIL? Using a leather string, tie a lizard’s liver to your left ankle. The ingrown nail should disappear in nine days.

  SHORTNESS OF BREATH? Take the lungs and liver from a fox. Chop them up into tiny pieces, mix with wine, and drink the concoction from a church bell.

  BURNS? Mix sheep dung with fresh goose grease and spread it on the affected area.

  FRECKLES? Four-day-old lemon juice rubbed on the face will make them go away.

  CUTS? Apply a large army ant to the cut, so that it takes hold of each side of the wound with its pincers. Cut the body off, leaving the ant’s head to hold the cut together.

  HIDE AND SEEK?

  World War II ended in 1945…but somebody forgot to tell this guy.

  Lieutenant Hiroo Onoda of the Imperial Japanese Army survived in the jungles of the tiny Philippine island of Lubang for nearly three decades by hunting in the forests and stealing food from villagers. Then on February 20, 1974, Onoda met a young Japanese adventurer named Norio Suzuki, who had come to the Philippines to search for him. The two became friends, and Suzuki explained to the old warrior that the fighting had stopped a long time ago. Yet when he asked Onoda to return to Japan, Onoda said he would not leave his post without direct orders from one of his commanders. On March 9, 1974, Norio Suzuki brought Onoda’s onetime superior commander, Major Taniguchi, who delivered the orders for Onoda to surrender.

  BODY BY YOU

  EW! GROSS!

  BOMBS AWAY!

  Joe Carlone and his wife spent 12 years trying to rid their house of a terrible smell, but nothing seemed to help. Then one day their kitchen wall burst and 40 gallons of sewage gushed into the room. Years before, a telephone installer had accidentally punctured a pipe coming from the upstairs bathroom. The walls became so packed with poop they exploded.

  NAVEL JELLY

  Most people wash out their belly button lint, but not Graham Barker. He’s been collecting his for more than 20 years, earning him a Guinness world record: “Most Belly Button Lint.” When he gets enough fluff, he plans on stuffing a pillow with it.

  WHO DEALT IT SMELT IT

  What is the world’s stinkiest substance? It’s a tie between “The U.S. Government Standard Bathroom Malodor” and “Who Me?” Both are used by the military in stink bombs, as a way to break up riots. One reeks of rotting food and sulfur; the other smells like human poop.

  WEIRD UNDERWEAR

  Boxers, briefs…or these?

  INFLATABLE UNDERPANTS

  Katsuo Katugoru of Tokyo, Japan, was so afraid of drowning that he invented something to protect him in case of emergency: inflatable underpants. Unfortunately, his underwear accidentally inflated while he was on the subway, instantly expanding to 30 times their normal size and nearly suffocating his seatmates. Luckily, some quick-thinking passengers burst his bubble—saving the day by stabbing the undies with pens and pencils.

  WOLF MAN

  Only 50 cases of this rare genetic condition have been documented since the Middle Ages. Could it be the root of wolf man legends around the world?

  Jesus Fajardo Aceves is truly one-of-a-kind. Or rather, one-of-a-family. Twenty-four members of the Aceves family in Zacatecas, Mexico, have hypertrichosis, a genetic disorder that makes hair grow all over a person’s body, including his face.

  Very little is known about the condition because it shows up in only one out of ten million people. Some scientists believe “the curse of the hair” is caused by a holdover gene from the distant past, when humans were as hairy as apes.

  What we do know is that throughout history, people with hypertrichosis have suffered terribly. They’ve been treated as freaks, put on display in circuses, or even worse, feared as monsters. But the truth is that “wolf people,” as the Aceves family proudly call themselves, are completely normal…except for their hair!

  WHIZ KIDS

  Here are three stories of uniquely gifted kids.

  MICHAEL KEARNEY (b. 1984) started talking when he was four months old. Two months later, baby Michael surprised his family again. He wasn’t feeling well, so his mother took him to the doctor. That’s when he told the doctor, “I have a left ear infection.” When Michael was ten months old, his dad asked his mom, “Why don’t we go out and get some F-R-E-N-C-H F-R-I-E-S?” “That sounds good,” Michael piped up. “Let’s go to M-C-D-O-N-A-L-D-S.”

  Michael entered high school at the age of five and finished nine months later. He was 10 when he graduated from college, and broke a Guinness world record at 14 by graduating from Middle Tennessee State University with a masters degree in chemistry.

  JAY GREENBERG (b. 1991) likes to be called Blue Jay because, like Jay, a blue jay is small and makes lots of noise. But Jay doesn’t exactly make noise—he composes orchestral music.

  At two years old Jay started drawing musical instruments. One day he drew a cello and told his parents he wanted one. When his mother finally took him to a music store, Jay sat down at a miniature cello and immediately began to play, beautifully.

  Jay started composing music the following year, when he was just three. Jay uses a computer program to write music, sometimes writing so fast that his computer crashes. In a field where talented composers might write five or six symphonies in their ent
ire lifetime, Jay already composed five symphonies…before the age of 13.

  GREGORY R. SMITH (b. 1989) learned how to read when he was two years old. He became a vegetarian that same year when he noticed that humans, like the herbivore dinosaurs he was studying, have flat teeth. Greg graduated from high school at 10 and earned a college degree in mathematics when he was 13.

  He now works promoting nonviolence and world peace through the organization he founded, International Youth Advocates. And he’s been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize three times (he was just 12 years old when he was first nominated).

  DOUBLE TROUBLE

  Are twins more connected than normal siblings?

  OH, BROTHER!

  Identical twins from Piqua, Ohio, were adopted by families from different towns. The twins met again at age 39 and discovered some remarkable facts: Both were named James. Each had married and divorced a woman named Linda, then married a woman named Betty. One’s son was named James Alan; the other’s was James Allen. Both did well in math and liked woodworking and drove the same model car and both had dogs named Toy. The biggest difference? James Lewis had short hair combed back; James Springer had long hair combed forward.

  OH, SISTER!

  In 1948 Diane Lamb broke two ribs in a train crash. At that exact moment her twin sister, who lived in another town, felt a stabbing pain in her chest, fell out of her chair, and broke the same two ribs.

  OUCH! OUCH!

  Roberto and Marco were identical twins who made a parachute jump together near Milan, Italy. Roberto broke his leg on landing. Two hours later Marco crashed his car while driving home…and broke his leg.

  LUCKY FINDS #1

  Keep your eyes open—you never know when luck might be on your side.

  THE FIND: A diamond

  WHERE: Under a yam

  THE STORY: In 1997 three orphan boys from Sierra Leone, Africa, were scrounging for food. They had already gone hungry for two days when, after a luckless morning of searching for yams near the village of Hinnah Malen, the starving boys gave up and decided to walk home. While walking along the road, they spotted a yam under a palm tree. As the boys pried the yam out of the ground, they discovered a flawless 100-carat diamond worth half a million dollars.

  “86 THE BUNPUPS”

  That’s restaurant lingo for, “We’re out of hot dogs.” Here are some more:

  “ADAM AND EVE ON A RAFT”

  Two poached eggs on toast

  “AN M.D.”

  A Dr Pepper

  “BOSSY IN A BOWL”

  Beef stew

  “WAX”

  American cheese

  “HOUSE-BOAT”

  A banana split

  “MIKE AND IKE”

  Salt and pepper shakers

  “PUT A HAT ON IT”

  Add ice cream

  “LIFE PRESERVERS”

  Doughnuts

  “COW PASTE”

  Butter

  “NERVOUS PUDDING”

  Jell-o

  “PAINT A BOWWOW RED”

  A hot dog with ketchup

  “HOLD THE HAIL”

  No ice

  “THROW IT IN THE MUD”

  Add chocolate syrup

  LOST AND FOUND

  There are no “finders keepers, losers weepers” here.

  LOST: A bus ticket

  FOUND: Jack Crackers of Derbyshire, England, lost a bus ticket when he was just a teenager. Years later, at age 75, he was slapped on the back during a coughing fit and it fell out of his ear. Crackers got his ticket back and also his hearing—he’d been deaf in that ear for 60 years!

  LOST: A wedding ring

  FOUND: Mrs. Gudebrod of California lost her wedding ring during a picnic at a beach. A year later her husband brought home a crab he’d caught on the same beach. Guess what they found stuck to one of the crab’s claws? Mrs. G’s wedding ring.

  WARNING!

  Ever been warned not to do something stupid—so stupid that you would never even consider doing it? Here are some real labels found on real products.

  On a Batman costume

  “WARNING: CAPE DOES NOT ENABLE USER TO FLY.”

  On a toilet brush

  “CAUTION: DO NOT USE FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE.”

  On a household iron

  “WARNING: NEVER IRON CLOTHES WHILE THEY ARE BEING WORN.”

  On a washing machine

  “CAUTION: YOU MUST REMOVE CLOTHES BEFORE WASHING”

  On a king-size mattress

  “WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SWALLOW.”

  NATURE IS STRANGE

  Weird facts from the natural world.

  • Elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump.

  • Hummingbirds can’t walk.

  • Bees kill more people than snakes do.

  • A rat can go longer without water than a camel.

  • Possums don’t actually “play” dead. They pass out from fear…and look dead.

  • Only the female mosquito bites.

  • A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

  • Crickets hear through their knees; butterflies taste with their feet.

  • Snakes can see through their eyelids.

  • Kangaroos can’t jump backward.

  • Mosquitoes prefer children to adults and blondes to brunettes.

  • The venom of a female black widow spider is more potent than that of a rattlesnake.

  • The praying mantis is the only insect that can rotate its head 360 degrees.

  • More than 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!

  KING TUT’S CURSE

  Who believes in curses? We do.

  On November 26, 1922, a team led by a British archaeologist named Howard Carter entered the ancient Egyptian tomb of King Tutankhamen. Within seven years of that date, 11 of the 13 Europeans who were present when the tomb was opened were dead. Some believe a fungus found growing on the tomb’s walls killed the explorers. Others believe the tomb was cursed.

  What do you think?

  THE FACTS

  On the day King Tut’s tomb was opened, a vulture circled overhead. The archaeologists thought this was particularly strange. Why? Because according to legend, the tomb was guarded by Nekhbet, the vulture goddess. Her curse was printed above the door.

  Three months later, Lord Carnarvon, who had financed the expedition, was the first to go. He died crying, “There’s a bird…scratching my face!” At the exact moment he passed away, the lights went out in Cairo and his dog at home in England howled in anguish…and then dropped dead.

  That same year Richard Bethell, Howard Carter’s secretary, died of heart failure.

  A short time later, Arthur Mace, one of the archaeologists in the group who opened the tomb, fell into a coma. He died in 1923.

  Hugh Evelyn-White, another archaeologist with the expedition, hung himself in 1924. He left a note that read: “I have succumbed to a curse which forces me to disappear.”

  The year the tomb was opened, a worker stole a piece of King Tut’s jewelry. A relative of the thief returned it to the authorities 83 years later. Why? The curse. From the time the relative received the jewel, four untimely deaths had struck her family.

  HOW TO MAKE A MUMMY

  An ancient secret recipe.

  INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 dead body

  • frankincense

  • 1 crochet hook

  • myrrh

  • several jars

  • lots of linen

  • 400 pounds of salt

  • a small amulet

  STEP ONE:

  1. Using the crochet hook, pull the brains out through the nose.

  2. Make a small incision in the belly and take out everything except the heart.

  3. Place all the entrails (the stuff you pulled out) in the jars.

  4. Stuff packets of salt inside the body, then completely cover the outside of the body with the rest of the salt.

  5. Wait at least 35 days for the bo
dy to dry out and become mummified.

  STEP TWO:

  1. Carefully remove the salt.

  2. Gently anoint the body with frankincense and myrrh (two ancient types of fragrant tree resin).

  3. Wrap the body in layer after layer of linen strips.

  4. During the wrapping procedure, place the small amulet over the heart. Decorate each layer with hieroglyphic prayers.

  STEP THREE:

  For the total effect, let mummy rest undisturbed for at least a thousand years.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  The true tale of a real-life Rip Van Winkle.

  On February 3, 1866, Mollie Fancher, a 23-year-old Brooklyn woman, felt dizzy and collapsed on the floor in a faint. Her aunt put her to bed, thinking Mollie would come out of it. But she didn’t.

  For the next 46 years, Mollie lay in a trance, barely breathing, eating, or drinking. Doctors were baffled. None knew what had caused this strange sleep, nor what to do about it. Then, nine years into her trance-like state, Mollie began to display amazing powers. She could describe the dress and actions of people hundreds of miles away, and could read unopened letters.

  One famous test of her powers involved sealing a secret message inside three envelopes and then hiding it in her doctor’s office five miles away. When the doctor asked Mollie what was in the envelope, she whispered, “Written on a sheet of paper are the words, ‘Lincoln was shot by a crazed actor.’” She was right.