Love Online

by Penelope Ward

  She’d yanked it off fast, almost as if she didn’t want me to see it, but it was too late. I had. And that name would remain etched in my memory.

  “When do you get home again?” she asked.

  “On the 29th.”

  “Okay.” Her expression still gave off a sullen vibe.

  “You seem a little down. Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I’m just… It’s been stressful the past couple of days. Nothing specific. And not getting to talk to you every night has been a bummer.”

  I’d missed talking to her, too.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” She adjusted her position on the bed and said, “Tell me more about India.”

  Even though I suspected she was pretending to be interested in order to change the subject, I entertained her question. “Well, you’ve heard of the Taj Mahal?”

  “Yeah, that big palace?”

  “Yup. That’s here, too. But it’s kind of far from where I am. I was thinking about maybe going to see it before I leave, though. If I do, I’ll take some pictures and email them to you.”

  “I would love that.” She grinned.

  “Tomorrow Rupert is taking me to his cousin’s wedding. Not sure I want to go, but he’s being insistent. He says it’s gonna be a good time.”

  “The Indian girls are going to be all over the hot American guy. Watch.”

  It probably wasn’t the right time to admit I’d already been propositioned several times by Bollywood actresses I’d met.

  “Does that make you jealous?”

  She hesitated before she answered. “Yes.”

  “Is it wrong that that makes me happy?”

  “Just don’t fall for anyone while you’re there.” She didn’t look like she was joking. This was the first time Eden had been this vulnerable with me. I was sort of digging it. It was a nice change from me being the jealous asshole because of her camming.

  “Are you really worried about that?” I asked.

  “I know I’m acting ridiculous.” She muttered. “None of this makes any sense.”

  “Falling for someone half a world away in India makes just about as much sense as falling for a cam girl I’m never allowed to meet.”

  Despite the tense tone of our conversation, I managed to get one genuine smile out of her before we hung up.

  ***

  This wedding was like nothing I’d ever seen in my life.

  The groom arrived on a freaking chariot with two horses pulling him. The guests were all dancing in front of it as he was led to the bride.

  Cars honked their horns, and people chanted.

  At the reception, I had a little too much to drink and decided to tell Rupert everything about Eden. To my surprise, he didn’t seem shocked in the least. I’d mistakenly taken him to be a little more conservative. But he was totally digging the story of how we met.

  “There’s an old Indian proverb that my grandmother used to say,” he said. “I don’t know exactly how it translates into English, but the gist is: if love is not crazy, it’s not love.”

  Love. Damn. No, this couldn’t be love.

  “We’re not at the love point. It’s not like that.” I chuckled. “We haven’t even met.”

  Right? It isn’t love? Fuck if I know what I’m really feeling.

  “Are you sure about that? You just talked about her for a half hour straight, and your eyes lit up more than I’ve seen since you’ve been here.”

  That was a little unsettling to hear. “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I’d put it into the obsession category before I’d call it love.”

  “Whatever you call it, my point is love is supposed to feel like this—nonsensical, risky—even if the person makes the least sense logically. It was a crazy way you met her, but who cares? If it’s meant to be, she’ll come around. She’s probably just scared. If the connection you say you have is real, there’s not going to be anything either of you can do to stop it.”

  “You think so, huh?”

  “I know so,” he said. “But on the off-chance you don’t think it’s gonna work out, my cousin Saanvi wants to meet you.” He pointed to the corner of the room. “She’s over there.”

  When I looked in that direction, a beautiful, dark-haired girl with the hugest brown eyes stared right at me. Had she been looking over here the whole time? I hadn’t even noticed.

  Wearing a bright aqua-colored sari embellished in gold, she was probably the prettiest girl here and definitely stood out from the crowd. But despite that, I had no desire to talk to her, no desire for even a quick fling while I was in India. It felt like I’d somehow be cheating on Eden. That sucked because I didn’t have her in the real sense.

  During any other time in my life, I might have thought Saanvi was the most beautiful girl in the world. But now that title was reserved for a mystery girl all the way back in Nowhere, USA.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  * * *

  EDEN

  I’d been counting the days until Ryder got back. His return from India couldn’t come soon enough. Tonight was the first night things would be back to “normal”—if you could call our relationship that.

  I hated how emotional I’d been the entire time he was away. It was a reminder of how dependent on his company I’d become and how difficult it would be when things inevitably ended.

  Every night I wondered if he was hooking up with someone or whether he was realizing there was so much more to life than being home every night and talking to me online. I didn’t have the liberty to travel the world and live the way he did. He didn’t realize that talking to him was the highlight of my days.

  The fact that I was getting so attached to him was troubling. My job was supposed to be a means for survival. But I’d let things get out of control with Ryder and couldn’t help myself. I was already so far gone.

  During the few times we were able to make our schedules work while he was away, I did a lousy job of hiding my mood. Even though I tried, he’d constantly asked if I was okay. That’s how I knew my efforts to hide my true feelings were futile. It amazed me that he was always able to see through them.

  Tonight, things were going to work a little differently. We’d be connecting on Skype for the first time since he came home. When he went to India, because our time was limited, we decided to use Skype for our chats instead of the private room. Skype was going to be an easier way to communicate, in general, moving forward, because it allowed more flexibility. He’d sent me a Skype message to expect a call at eleven. I told him I’d decided to take a rare night off, that I needed a break.

  My breather consisted of spending the evening listening to music while anticipating his call.

  Waiting anxiously, I did my hair and messed with my phone until the computer started ringing.

  His face lit up the screen. “Hey, beautiful. I’m back.”

  “Welcome home.”

  Welcome home. His smile had become like home to me. My blood pressure seemed to drop at the sight of him.

  “I’m glad to be home. I can’t believe you gave yourself a night off. You deserve it. I don’t think you’ve taken a break since I met you.”

  “I think you’re right. I hadn’t.”

  Now that he was right in front of me again, in the same country, I felt so much better. “I missed you. I mean, I know we kept in touch, but it wasn’t the same.”

  “I missed you, too. Like crazy, Eden.”

  Like crazy. That was how all of this felt sometimes.

  “Are you still glad you went?”

  “You know, I really am. I made a lot of good contacts and learned a shitload about the international market. It was definitely worth the trip.”

  “Good.”

  After a brief pause, he asked, “What’s wrong? Something’s bothering you. It’s been that way since I went to India.” He frowned. “Is this not working for you anymore?”

  �
��No!” I was quick to say. “Just the opposite.”

  He seemed really confused. “Can you just be honest with me? Please? Tell me what you’re feeling.”

  “I don’t know what I’m feeling… I’m just scared.”

  “Why?”

  Because I’m not supposed to be falling for you.

  “I was miserable when you were away. I missed not being able to talk to you at night. And that really freaked me out.”

  “What’s wrong with feeling that way?”

  “We agreed that our relationship would stay the way it is—virtual—and I feel myself losing control of my feelings for you.”

  “Then let me come see you. Tell me where you live. I’ll be on the next plane.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m too scared it will change things. I love the way things are now.” A tear rolled down my cheek.

  “You don’t look like you love it. You’re in fucking tears.”

  “This is the way it has to be.”

  He watched me wipe my eyes before he said, “I am aching for you, Eden. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than to smell you, touch you, hold you…and a whole lot more than that. I understand that there’s something you don’t want to tell me, and I’ve accepted that up until now. But it’s damn hard.”

  This was the first time he’d confessed to a physical need for me. He’d always been the quintessential gentleman—to a fault. I sometimes questioned his attraction to me.

  “Why haven’t you told me you want me in that way before—physically?” I asked.

  “Isn’t it obvious how badly I want you?”

  “Well, you never…you know, ask me for anything. I keep waiting, wanting you to—”

  “Ask you?” His tone bordered on angry. “Don’t you have enough fucking men asking you for sexual favors?”

  “But you’re different. I—” I stopped myself, knowing full-well what I really wanted to say.

  I feel like I might love you…or something.

  That was the thought in my mind, which I knew was completely crazy.

  “What, Eden? What?”

  My voice cracked. “You’re the only man in the world I want to want me.”

  “I do want you…so much.” He ran his fingers through his hair, then pulled on it in frustration. “But I don’t want to watch you fuck yourself with a dildo—do you get that? I’ve always been afraid you’d think that’s what I want. You’re so conditioned to believe that’s what men want from you—this one-sided show. I want you—all of you, in the flesh. But I promised you a long time ago that I wouldn’t push it unless you voluntarily chose to tell me who you are and where you live.” He laughed angrily. “You think I don’t fucking want you? Why do you think I only let you see me from the waist up?”

  I responded with the first thing that came to mind. “I assumed it was because you had a tiny dick.”

  He burst out laughing. “Wiseass.”

  “Kidding. I hope you know that.”

  “I’m always hard for you, Eden. Always.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. And I’m turning into a jealous prick, too.”

  “Jealous? I thought I was the jealous one.”

  “Seriously. Do you have any idea how hard it is to know you go into those private chat rooms every night? It’s your job, and I respect that, but I honestly can’t even think about it anymore. There have been times when I’ve considered sending you so much money that you’d never have to work again, but I know you wouldn’t take it, because that’s the kind of person you are. I can’t tell you what to do.”

  It hurt me to know my job made him so uneasy. “I never realized the camming bothered you like that.”

  “Fuck yes, it bothers me. I can’t stomach you spreading your legs, showing other men your pussy up close while they jerk off. It makes me want to throw up.”

  My heart started to race—not only from the shock of hearing him admit that, but because knowing my work made him jealous was invigorating. I’d yearned for his jealousy, to know he cared about me in a possessive way.

  “Why didn’t you say something?” I asked.

  “Would it change anything? You should be able to do whatever you want to do with your life. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. But I’m man enough to accept it.”

  “But your feelings do matter to me. If something bothers you, I want to know.”

  “Okay…it bothers me that I can’t see you in person. How about that?”

  I let out a frustrated breath. “Good one.”

  We both fell silent. This was probably the closest we’d come to an argument.

  After a while, he gestured with his index finger. “Come here.”

  “Where?”

  “Come closer,” he whispered. “Press your lips against the screen.”

  I did as he said and watched as he moved his own face against the camera. He groaned as he kissed me once gently—or pretended to.

  Ryder smiled. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”

  It wasn’t real, but it felt important to me. “Did we just have our first kiss?”

  “I’ve got the smudge marks on the screen to prove it.”

  I licked my lips as if it were real. “It’s not enough.”

  “It won’t ever feel like enough, Eden.”

  “Then let’s do more tonight,” I said.

  “I meant the whole virtual thing. This will never be enough.”

  “I know. But I want to do more with you tonight. You’re the first man in a long time whom I’ve wanted to do things for—not just for you, but for me.”

  He looked at me so intensely. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.”

  “When you’re…performing, do you get wet? I mean, do you get genuinely excited when you know someone is getting off to your body, or do you fake it?”

  “It’s funny you ask that; I’ve actually been studying that very thing.”

  “Studying it? Is there still space in the class? Because I’d like to sign up.”

  That made me laugh. “What I mean is—okay, there’s a difference between true arousal—enjoyment—versus activation. Sexual non-concordance is the term. It’s when your body responds to a sexual cue, even if you’re not truly liking it. It’s a physiological reaction not based on enjoyment but rather on the idea of something sexual happening. It’s a very detached way of getting aroused.”

  “So you’re saying that because you’re thinking about sex, from the mere act of, say, masturbating—even if you’re not into it—your body might still react. But there’s no actual desire.”

  “Exactly. It’s just a primal, almost automatic reaction. So there’s a difference between that and what I feel when I look at you, which is true attraction, true arousal.”

  “What does it feel like when you look at me?” he asked.

  How can I even describe it?

  “All of my nerve endings are on alert. I’m so incredibly aware of every movement you make, every expression. It’s a mixture of excitement and comfort, because I trust you.”

  He leaned back in his bed. “Tell me more.”

  “My nipples are always hard when we talk, and sometimes I get wet just being in your presence, even when we’re just talking.”

  “More,” he said.

  “I feel like the muscles between my legs contract at the sound of your voice. Even before I knew what you looked like, your voice used to make me wet.”

  He bent his head back and let out a shaky breath. “You’re killing me. You know that?”

  “Do you desire me?” I asked.

  He lifted his head and looked me straight in the eyes. “Eden, from the first night I saw you, I’ve done nothing but desire you. And it’s to the point where I can’t be with anyone else in the flesh because I would rather come online and look at you, talk to you, think about you. And that is utterly fucked-up.”

  “That’s how I feel, too. As m
uch as it might seem like I’m loose with sex because of what I do for a living, when it comes to letting someone inside—pun intended—it’s not easy for me. I would never be able to do this if those men were actually touching me.”

  “That’s the only consolation for me,” he said. “That they can’t touch you.”

  My palms started to sweat. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course,” he said.

  “You said you haven’t wanted to be with anyone in the flesh…but have you? Have you had sex with anyone since we’ve been talking?”

  He hesitated. “Not since we’ve been connecting, no. It’s the longest I’ve ever gone without actual sex.”

  Relief poured over me, and then I just lost it. “I want you right now,” I panted.

  The look in his eyes told me he was losing the control he’d worked so hard to keep.

  He lay back. “Show me how much.”

  I slowly lifted my shirt over my head. My breasts felt heavy as they fell out of the fabric. My body buzzed with anticipation at the prospect of getting to see more of him.

  “Your nipples are so hard. Is that for me?”

  “Yes,” I breathed. “I want to see more of you, Ryder.”

  He gritted his teeth. “You want to see how much I want you? Is that what you’ve wanted all this time?”

  My breathing was heavy. “Yes.”

  “All you had to do was ask, baby.” He unzipped his jeans and repositioned his body so I could see his gloriously hard cock, which glistened with precum at the tip. He pumped slowly up and down as he gritted his teeth and said, “There’s not a moment I’m not hard for you. You just can’t normally see it.”

  My eyes were glued to his hand, moving up and down his silky hard shaft. “Now I can.”

  He began to jerk himself harder. “What do you think?”

  Ryder was more well-endowed than most men I’d seen naked.

  “That’s the most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen, and I swear to God I’m not lying this time.” I laughed.