by E. C. Land
“I get it babe, but seriously it wasn’t my place to say shit about his or even your sister’s life when I don’t know the whole story. I only know what he’s told me and what your sister has told the two of us. I mean would you want to tell people something like this if it was gonna turn right to shit?” He asks sincerely.
And the guilt just keeps on coming.
Closing my eyes, I shake my head in reply to his question at the same time sending a prayer up above praying for the strength to make it through the next two months.
Just let me be strong enough to handle the pain a little longer. Because if I’m honest with myself I know exactly why I refuse to tell anyone. I’d prefer them to be mad at me when I’m gone than to resent my baby for being alive.
Chapter Six
Chaz
Since the day I found out that Jamie was pregnant I’ve done everything I could to be there for not just her but our baby. We’d officially moved her into the house with us. The guys didn’t mind having her there. She was family to them as much as she was the woman I intended to marry one day. Her grandmother wasn’t too happy about it wanting Jamie to have gone to school first. Alexis, she’d been upset.
With each month that has gone by I started to notice the toll the pregnancy was having on her body. Still she’s the most beautiful girl with her small bump and I can’t help but touch her when in the same room. I can’t help the feeling I keep getting with each day that goes by. I can’t put my finger on it, but my gut instinct says Jamie’s keeping something from me and possibly from all of us.
I’ve always told Jamie she could tell me anything and as far as I know, she's always been honest with me. Yet for some reason each time I or someone else brings up anything about future plans she gets a guilty look in her eyes. The same one she got when I’d asked her how she’d feel if she were in Tanner and Alexis’ shoes. That was two months ago now and I see the look of guilt more and more.
Jamie has never had a good poker face and lying isn’t something she’s good at. For her to keep whatever it is she’s got bottled up inside her I know without a doubt is not good. I’ve thought about making her tell me what’s going on, however, I stop myself each time. Unsure if I want to know.
“Yo man you ready to get those songs recorded?” Hunter asks as I make my way into the studio we finished putting in the back of the shop.
“Yeah, you think Jamie’s gonna love the song?” I’d thrown the song out several times thinking it wasn’t good enough only to write it again adding to it wanting it to be perfect.
“Man, this song is gonna be fuckin’ epic. Jamie is gonna love it,” Lex announces as he walks in behind me.
Fuckers always running late.
“This song may be one of the best ones we’ve ever done,” Tanner mumbles as he tunes his bass.
“Then let’s get this shit done. Jamie’s not coming in today so it’s perfect timing,” I say grabbing my guitar.
“She okay?” Hunter asks.
“Yeah, she said she was still tired,” I say, yet I hold back the fact that Jamie didn’t only look tired she seemed to be in pain.
Maybe I’m being naïve and overlooking her not telling me, but I figured if Jamie were in pain, she’d tell me.
“Well let’s get this done and maybe you can give it to her tonight,” Hunter states picking up his own guitar as he sits in front of one of the mics we have set up. All of us sing as we play depending on the song. This one though will have each of us singing at once.
Strumming the strings, I put the headphones on and begin.
A world filled with darkness comes
Through the darkness is a light
A voice as sweet as a melody shines through
Becoming known as a dark lullaby.
A lullaby that can only be heard in the dark of night
Can you hear the melody
The soothing sound of a dark lullaby
By the time we finish the song it sounds fantastic. I didn’t give the song a title yet, figuring as a band we should do it together. Even if the song was written for Jamie.
She is and always will be the light to my darkness. After coming into my life at a time I hated the world, Jamie was there to heal me.
To put it simply, I didn’t have it easy growing up. In fact, life at home sucked. That’s why the moment I turned eighteen I was out of there, taking the money I saved along with the money my mom had set up for me to receive.
If not for this shop that we took over I don’t know what would have happened to any of the band. None of us had it easy and the guy who used to own this place before we bought it taught us everything we knew. From reading music to knowing how to play all the instruments. Piano to violin. Guitar to drums. Flute to tuba. We learned them all.
After a while we got to pick our preferences of what we played. I remember the day I asked if I could choose more than one. The owner smiled and asked which ones. I’d chosen a guitar and keyboard, liking the idea of combining the two. Hunter had picked the guitar, Lex got drums and Tanner went with the bass.
That day we decided to become Demons Among Us. Having picked the name for the demons that we all carry with us.
“Now that is a song, we need to play next time we have a gig at Outlaw Racks. I bet all the chicks would be swarming us,” Lex says laughing.
“Sounds good to me, we got one coming up this weekend there,” I announced.
“Awesome,” Hunter mumbles as he finishes up writing on a disk before handing it to me. “I hope Jamie likes this.”
“Same here man, I’m fuckin’ nervous about giving her this. I know she’s heard us play new music but never one that was meant solely for her,” I admit.
“Don’t be, she’s gonna love it. Now go, we’ll see you later at the house. It’s Lex’s night to cook dinner,” Tanner says.
Nodding I head out of the shop making my way to my truck. Once in, I start her up and head home. My hand bounces on my knee nervously as I get closer. My gut tightens the closer I get.
Pulling into the driveway, I climb out of the truck with the disk in my hand ready to hand it to her when I get inside.
“Pixie,” I yell out as I walk into the house only to be met by silence. She must still be asleep. Heading upstairs I make it to our bedroom. Smiling I open the door to find Jamie lying right where I left her.
“Pixie, baby, wake up,” I murmur as I lean over her to kiss her face. She doesn’t stir or move when I tap her on the arm.
Pulling the blanket back, I spot the blood between her legs. Oh shit. Reaching into my pocket I dial nine-one-one letting them know what’s going on. Doesn’t take long for them to show up. I told the operator to inform them to kick the door in. I refused to leave Jamie’s side.
“Sir I need you to step aside,” a woman’s voice says as she places a hand on my shoulder to get past me.
“Patient is unresponsive, do you know how far along she is?” the woman asks me.
“Right at eight months,” I murmur watching everything they do to Jamie.
“Okay let’s get a stretcher in here,” another person orders.
“We need to get her to the hospital ASAP,” the woman states replacing the stethoscope around her neck and removing the blood pressure cuff from Jamie’s arm. She mutters something to the other guy that Jamie’s BP is fifty-three over twenty. I’m not a doctor, I don’t know medical terminology but whatever they’re saying isn’t good.
The rest of it becomes a blur as I stand to the side watching as they load Jamie onto a stretcher.
I follow behind in a daze climbing in the back of the ambulance and sit where I’m instructed to.
All the while praying for the first time in my life that everything will be okay.
Chapter Seven
Chaz
“Chaz I’m sorry to have to do this. I thought Jamie would have told you by now,” Doctor Taylors says the moment she comes into the waiting room.
“Tell me what?” I demand.
&nbs
p; Sighing Doctor Taylors shakes her head. “Let’s move to a quiet area. We don’t need to do this with an audience,” she says holding her arm out to usher all of us into a private room.
When I’d first gotten to the hospital the nurses showed me to the waiting room, asked me questions then went about doing their job.
“Her cancer is back again isn’t it?” Alexis quietly asks, her arms wrapped around herself.
“What do you mean cancer?” I ask whipping my head to face her.
“Yes,” Doctor Taylors says simply.
“Wait a fuckin’ minute, someone please explain this to me. When did Jamie have cancer? What form of it did she have? And why the hell didn’t she tell me any of this?” I roar. I can feel myself slipping.
“Chaz right now I don’t have a lot of time to explain all the details to you however Doctor Meyers can when he gets here. Right now, I can give you the gist. Jamie has bone marrow cancer. She was hoping that if she and the baby were a match it would all be okay. However, that was on the chance she was able to make it through the pregnancy. Unfortunately, her body is shutting down. I have the nurses prepping her for surgery right now so I can save your child,” Doctor Taylors says gently.
How could I not have known my pixie was so sick? For that matter her keeping something so simple from me.
Nodding I sit on the arm of the chair behind me, running my hands through my hair I clench it between my fingers.
Clenching my eyes shut I let out an agonizing cry. My heart shattering as everything sinks in.
My pixie is dying.
“Chaz, I know your hurting but right now isn’t the time, you need to be strong for that little one,” Jamie’s grandmother says softly as she places her arms around me.
“I don’t know if I can,” I mumble.
“You can, you have us right here with you. Granted I don’t agree with my granddaughter keeping such information from any of us, I know she’d want you to be strong for your child,” she says hugging me.
“Grandma’s right, as stupid as her decision was I can kinda understand it. Daddy was the only one who matched her and finding a donor is extremely hard to do. It was something we both feared when our parents died. If my sister knew she’d relapsed she swore she’d never let it keep her from living as long as she could. That’s what she’s done. Keeping this a secret allowed her to enjoy life the best she could. Even if in pain.” Alexis begins to sob as she finishes talking.
We all grow quiet at the knock on the door. I hadn’t even realized Doctor Taylors left the room.
“Come in,” Alexis calls out.
A nurse pops her head in looks towards me, “Would you like to be in there with us to see your baby born?” she asks.
Clearing my throat, giving her a nod, I stand. “Yeah I would,” I say.
“Okay come on we will get you scrubbed up and ready. Doctor Taylors is ready,” she informs me.
Without another word I follow her, not prepared for this but needing to do it all the same.
My child was about to enter this world. I should feel ecstatic about it yet all I feel is devastation.
Time seems to be at a standstill yet everything around me seems to move in a blur. The nurse who came to get me gives me a sad smile as she knows what’s going on. Following her instructions, I wash up and put the scrubs she hands me on. Putting the cap over my hair and the mask over my mouth I’m finally allowed into the OR with them.
The nurse informs me I can sit by Jamie’s head.
Glancing at my Pixie’s face she looks so peaceful. The monitor connected to her beeps showing she has a heartbeat.
Leaning forward, I press my lips against her forehead through the mask. “It’s gonna be okay Pixie. Just hold on for me,” I all but beg.
Voices surround us in the background as the doctor and nurses work to bring my baby into the world.
I don’t know how much time passes before a wailing cry fills the room.
“Chaz, you’re the proud father of a little girl,” Doctor Taylors says gently as she holds the baby up for me to see.
All of a sudden, I remember she wasn’t due for a few more weeks. “Is she okay?” I ask in a panic.
“So far so good, we’ll take her to the nursery and have her checked out by another doctor,” Doctor Taylors informs me.
“Okay,” I say nodding my head, glancing back at Jamie.
Just then the monitor’s noise changes, and I’m rushed out of the room.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“She’s flatline sir, were going to try and get her back,” a nurse says.
My knees give out under me and I fall to the floor.
She’s gone.
The door opens sometime later, and Doctor Taylors comes out with another doctor I hadn’t even noticed before now.
“I’m sorry Chaz, we couldn’t get her back,” Doctor Taylors whispers.
“She’s gone,” I murmur.
“Yes, she’s gone.” Doctor Taylor confirms my words before clearing her throat. “Chaz this is Doctor Meyers, Jamie’s Oncologist. He can answer any questions you may have.”
“The only question I have can’t be answered,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry for your loss. Jamie spoke highly of you. In fact, I have something for you she asked me to hand you only if she didn’t make it.” Doctor Meyers pulls two envelopes out of his coat pocket. “I brought these with me just in case,” he says.
“Thank you.” Taking the envelopes from him I put them in my back pocket. I can’t look at them right now.
“How about I get one of the nurses to show you to your daughter and Doctor Meyers and I will inform the others?” Doctor Taylors suggests.
“Okay,” I say numb to their words.
A minute later I’m being shown to the nursery where my daughter is. The moment the nurse attending to her places her in my arms I let the first tear fall.
“My beautiful Melody,” I say her name for the first time knowing that was what my Pixie wanted to name our daughter.
Melody, it suits her.
A mixture of feelings fills me as I hold my little girl. Pride, love, and sorrow.
Closing my eyes, I pull Melody closer to me as I begin to sing to her the song I’d written for her mother.
A dark lullaby. A song written out of love only to end in a demon’s sorrow.
Epilogue
Chaz
2 weeks later
They say there’s a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I call bullshit. I buried my light, it burned out a week ago. I want nothing more than to join her, however, I can’t I’m needed here. For her I need to be strong. For my daughter I’ll go on.
Sighing I look from my thoughts where I’m heading to the angelic face of the one thing I have left. Melody. Two weeks ago, she entered this world and at the same time I lost the love of my life. I’ve heard some people resent their children when something like this happens, but I could never do that. She connects me to my beautiful Pixie.
“Morning Pixie,” I say, kneeling in front of Jamie’s grave marker holding our beautiful daughter. A single tear slips from my eye. I don’t bother to wipe it away. Letting it fall to the ground.
“I know we buried you only a week ago, but it seems as if forever has passed. I would have come by here every day if only Melody weren’t so small. I’m not ready to let someone else watch her yet. We were supposed to do this together. Grow old together, fill a house with the musical sound of laughter. Now you're gone. God, Pixie how am I gonna do this without you?” I murmur as I stare at the grave marker sitting in front of the dirt that still looks like it was freshly dug.
“You know I didn’t think at nineteen I’d be making funeral arrangements,” I say. Jamie’s sister Alexis and I had to go with one of these little things until her stone could be done.
“I want to be angry with you for never telling me about the cancer. I feel like you didn’t trust me enough to be there for you when you were in pain. Then again, I want t
o be understanding. Doctor Meyers gave me the letters you wrote to me as well as Melody. I put our daughters’ letter away for when she’s older. Mine however I wanted to wait until I was near you to read it.” I say pulling the letter out of my back pocket.
Opening it I begin to read it out loud.
Mr. Broody,
I know your upset with me. Please understand I didn’t want to leave you or our baby. When I was little, my parents took me to the doctor because I’d been really sick. They found out I’d had bone marrow cancer. My daddy thankfully had been a match to me and did what he had to do to help me. I’d been in remission until right before I found out we were pregnant. I’m sure the doctors have explained everything to you by now. I told them if I didn’t survive through the pregnancy to tell you everything, even the part where they kept urging me to tell you and everyone else.
I tried to fight the best I could to hold on. Please know that. The doctors were going to see if the baby would be a match and if so, I’d have hopefully been okay. But unfortunately, with you reading this means I wasn’t strong enough.
I’ll forever carry the guilt of not listening to them and telling you. But I’m glad I didn’t because I’ll always remember the look on your face when I last saw you. Smiling at me and calling me Pixie.
I used to hate when you called me that nickname until you’d explained it to me. Then I fell in love with it the same as I fell in love with you. Actually, I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you sitting there in class on my first day of school.
Please let our baby know I love them and will always be watching over them and you.
Just because I’m gone don’t go on being alone. Like I’m sure you’re thinking. I promise you I won’t feel betrayed by you moving on. I want you to be happy. To show our child it’s okay to love. To be loved and move forward. That’s what I want for you, to move forward.
With all my love until we meet again,
