The Loving Spirit

by Lucy Gordon

  ‘I’m persuaded you have the headache, my darling,’ Justin said tenderly. ‘Poor Kate, you’re fagged. Come, let us go upstairs.’

  For once she would have been glad to be without him, but he drew her arm through his and led her gently up to her room. He left while Pennistone disrobed her, but returned soon after in a dressing-gown and took her into his arms.

  ‘You were the most beautiful woman there tonight,’ he murmured. ‘I couldn’t look at anyone but you.’

  ‘Justin,’ she whispered. She couldn’t bear to make love to him tonight when she was tormented by guilt at the way she was deceiving him.

  He smiled. ‘Go to sleep, my dearest. When you’ve rested you will open your arms to me again. But tonight...’ He lifted her high and carried her to the bed. There he drew the covers up to her chin, kissed her, and left.

  She could have wept at his tender consideration, so much greater than she felt she deserved. On what should have been a triumphant night for her she felt as though she was sinking into a black pit.

  At last weariness overcame her, and she fell into an uneasy sleep, only waking when the morning was well advanced. Jane came in to draw the curtains and tell her that His Lordship had gone out for a morning’s sparring with Jem Belcher, the retired boxer who had set up a saloon where fashionable gentlemen tried to plant a hit on him. Kate breathed a prayer of relief at not having to face Justin yet. First she must calm down, for her sleep had given her no relief.

  Charmaine and Millicent had left the house for a visit to Bond Street. Kate had breakfast alone, although she ate very little. Last night something had begun to which she could see no end.

  As she rose from the table a footman approached her. ‘If you please, my lady, Lord Danby is here and asking to see you.’

  Her heart gave a sickening lurch, but surely it was foolish to read anything into this visit? It was a courtesy to the aunt of the girl he was courting. No more.

  Her morning dress was impeccably matronly, made of darkblue jaconet muslin, reaching high up to the neck and richly embroidered down the front, around the collar and on the sleeves with matching silk thread. On her head she wore an elegant lace cap, trimmed with matching satin ribbons, and at her throat was a cameo brooch. She knew she looked dignified, sedate, and as far as possible from the infatuated girl of years ago. But her heart was beating with apprehension.

  No sign of her fear appeared on her face as she entered the drawing-room, smiling a welcome at Leon.

  ‘Good morning, Lord Danby. It’s such a pleasure to see you. I’m afraid Charmaine is out but...‘

  ‘I know. I saw her leave. It’s you I came to see.’

  As soon as she heard the words and saw the nasty, knowing look in his eyes she knew the worst, but she maintained her pose.

  ‘How kind. My husband and I were so glad that you could attend our ball last night – ‘

  ‘By God, you do it well,’ he murmured. ‘The great lady to the life. But you can’t fool me; I recognized you the first moment.’

  ‘I fail to understand you.’

  ‘That’s wonderful. You say it as if you’d been giving people set downs all your life. My dear girl, this is beyond anything great. I must be the only person in the world who remembers the pretty little tease you were.’

  She felt as though she was drowning, but she made one last frantic attempt. ‘If this is meant to be a joke, sir, I must tell you that I don’t find it amusing. We have never met before, and the manner of your...‘

  He interrupted her with a bellow of laughter that she felt must be heard throughout the house.

  ‘For pity’s sake be silent,’ she said frantically.

  ‘What’s the matter, sweetest?’

  ‘How dare you call me that?’

  ‘It’s what I used to call you. Does it bring back too many memories? They were fine times, weren’t they?’

  He stood there, regarding her with eyes that saw everything, her loathing and terror of him, and the fact that she was trapped. Then he said her name, slowly, caressingly.

  ‘Don’t!’ she said sharply.

  ‘Should I call you Lady Farringdon? But surely a few liberties may be permitted with such an old friend as myself. I’m sure if you explained everything to your husband he would appreciate the situation.’

  ‘Explain what?’ she demanded, recovering some of her courage. ‘That you visited my school when I was a child, and we danced together? I doubt if that constitutes old friendship.’

  ‘But that account leaves out all the details that made our friendship so...interesting.’

  ‘I remember no such details,’ she said firmly. ‘And if you tell lies about me I shall deny them. Nobody would believe you.’

  ‘They might wonder why you call yourself Kate when your real name is...’

  ‘Be silent!’ she said frantically.

  ‘It can be easily proved, you know. And then everyone would wonder why an innocent woman changed her name.’

  ‘It happened when I married,’ she said, thinking fast. ‘My husband disliked my name and always called me Kate, and so I...’

  ‘Come, you can do better than that. I suppose they found out that you came out to meet me by moonlight and sent you away from that school. You had to hide because you’d lost your reputation.’

  ‘Thanks to you,’ she said bitterly. ‘Did you ever give me a thought after you’d fled?’

  ‘My dear girl, I was desolate, but I had heavy debts that I was relying on my uncle to pay, and I couldn’t afford a scandal. Did things get very difficult?’

  It dawned on her that he knew nothing about Tom. She must maintain his ignorance for as long as she could, although she knew it would not be long.

  But Leon’s manner had changed. He was smiling, his eyes full of laughter that another woman might have found charming. She could never find him charming again.

  ‘My dear...Kate, if you prefer...let us not quarrel. I’m sorry if I seemed unkind, but I was so hurt by the chilly reception you gave me. After the tender memories we shared I’d hoped for something a little warmer. Don’t be cross with me.’

  She saw the appealing air of penitence, the helpless gesture that said, ‘I’m really harmless.’ She also saw the icy calculation.

  She pulled herself together. ‘Very well. I won’t be cross with you, if you promise never to mention this matter again.’

  ‘But of course. I know there are things a wife doesn’t tell her husband, and some husbands are more unreasonable than others. It’ll be our secret, and I won’t say a word...just now and again when we’re alone, eh?’

  She felt nauseous. She was moving through a nightmare with lead weights dragging on her limbs and disaster all around. There was no escape.

  ‘We will never be alone,’ she managed to say.

  ‘Oh, I think we will, sometimes,’ he said with poisonous softness. ‘In fact, I’m quite sure of it. But, of course, if you prefer to throw me back on your husband’s company, what can I do about it?’

  And there it was, the threat in all its naked brutality. She was his to command on pain of having her secret revealed to Justin. She thought she would faint, but even that relief was denied her. She was too strong to faint. She must stay conscious and suffer everything.

  The sounds of Charmaine and Millicent arriving home brought a merciful end to the scene. They appeared and civilities were exchanged. Leon said what was proper. He had been passing and could not resist calling to ask how the ladies were recovering from the rigours of the ball. Sherry was served. Kate was thankful to let Millicent take over as hostess and escape. Leon’s eyes gleamed as she made her excuses. Half an hour later he had taken Charmaine out in his curricle.

  When she returned Justin was home and she had to tell him all about her day and her delightful outing with Lord Danby.

  ‘And only think,’ she prattled, ‘we nearly missed him. We were out when he called and returned to find him alone with Aunt Kate.’

  ‘Somebody had to enterta
in him,’ Kate said swiftly, dreading what Justin would make of this news.

  But that night, in her room, he said, ‘Why did you look so nervous when that silly child spoke of your being alone with Danby? I know you have to entertain him until Millicent can bring him up to scratch as she seems to determined to do. Did you think I would misunderstand and make myself unpleasant? My darling, don’t you understand that that is all over? No more jealous scenes, I swear it. I know you now, and I would stake my life on your truth and beauty of soul.’

  ‘Oh Justin,’ she almost wept, torn apart by his trust in her, that was so horribly misplaced.

  ‘Hush my darling, don’t cry. Shall I tell you something? I’m glad this happened, because it gives me the chance to show my trust in you.’ He kissed her hands. ‘Let us speak of it no more.’

  She knew how hard it was for him to trust, and it was only his great love for her that had brought him to this point. The knowledge made her determined to thwart Leon.

  Her head was full of desperate plans for avoiding him. With Millicent to chaperone Charmaine, there was no need for her to go out into company. If Leon were invited to the house she would develop a headache. How could he blackmail her if he couldn’t reach her? Her hope began to rise.

  But within a few days her self-delusion was exposed in shattering fashion, On Monday evening, Charmaine and Millicent set out for Almack’s, while Kate announced that she would remain at home. Justin had arranged to spend the evening with sporting friends so she would be alone, which exactly suited her. She knew that Leon would be at Almack’s, because he had told Charmaine as much. He would look for her tonight in vain.

  The others left the house at nine o’clock, and at half past nine Kate decided to retire. As she was crossing the hall the doorbell rang. Turning, she saw the footman open the door, and Leon stride into the hall. Her hand flew to her mouth. It was too late to deny herself. He had seen her and was striding forward, his hands thrown wide, his smile broad, the very picture of manly openheartedness.

  ‘Lady Farringdon, please forgive my calling so late, but I was at Almack’s, hoping to see the ladies of this family, and when it became apparent that you were all going to be late I ventured to call and beg permission to escort you.’

  ‘Good evening, Lord Danby,’ she said as formally as she could. ‘I’m afraid you have missed Lady Thorpe and Miss Stanning, who departed half an hour ago. Indeed, I do not know how you could have missed them.’

  ‘They must have arrived just after I left,’ he said cheerfully. ‘Never mind, now I’m here I can persuade you to accept my escort.’

  ‘I do not go to Almack’s, sir. I was about to retire for the night.’

  ‘But that cannot be. You must not stay here alone and dull. Come, let me persuade you.’

  ‘You mistake, sir. I am not at all dull. Please do not press me further.’

  ‘We can’t talk here in the hall. Perhaps a word in private.’

  ‘I think not.’

  ‘Oh but you must.’ His attitude was still that of cheery good nature, but there was no good nature in his narrowed eyes as he repeated softly, ‘You must.’

  Conscious of the footman by the door, Kate yielded and led the way to the library just off the hall. Leon closed the double doors and stood leaning hack against them, regarding her sardonically.

  ‘Brilliant, my darling,’ he said. ‘Quite brilliant. How unlucky for you that I saw them arriving and realized that you were missing. It won’t do, you know. I won’t let you go that easily.’

  ‘For pity’s sake, stop this,’ she begged. ‘I can’t be alone with you in here. The news will be all over the house.’

  ‘You can permit me a few minutes without scandal. How soon I leave is up to you.’

  ‘What do you want?’ she asked despairingly.

  ‘Why to reminisce with you about the old days when we were young and in love.’

  ‘We were never in love,’ she said with loathing.

  ‘You came out, half naked, to meet me at night without loving me? Fie on you! Of course you loved me, as I loved you.’

  ‘You never loved anyone. You don’t know how. You’re selfish and heartless and Charmaine should be warned against you.’

  ‘And who’s going to warn her? You? And how will you explain how you came by such interesting information? I don’t think you’re going to tell her anything. And if you did she wouldn’t believe a word. She’s wildly in love with me.’

  The casually indifferent tone in which he said this showed her the man she was dealing with, if she hadn’t known before. The years had hardened him, turning callousness to outright cruelty, and pleasure in cruelty.

  ‘But you’re not wildly in love with her,’ she said. ‘You’re not even fond of her, or you wouldn’t speak of her so. Why are you courting her? She has only a modest fortune.’

  He shrugged. ‘I need a wife and an heir. I don’t need to marry for money. I want a girl who is young and biddable and will give me no trouble.’

  ‘Charmaine? Biddable?’ she exclaimed. ‘Think again. She likes her own way and she’ll give you trouble, I promise you.’ Perhaps she could deflect him like this.

  He laughed. ‘Let me assure that however troublesome she is at the start she’ll soon learn the wisdom of doing exactly as I say.’

  ‘You must be a monster,’ she breathed.

  ‘Not a monster, merely a man driven to madness by childish prattle. Heavens, the nonsense that girl talks! And she thinks I’m charmed by it.’

  ‘You’re very good at convincing a stupid girl that you love her,’ she said bitterly.

  ‘Yes, you were rather stupid,’ he agreed, understanding her true meaning. ‘Every tired speech you drank in as though it was fresh minted. You were so eager, my darling, so ripe and ready for experience that you couldn’t help flaunting yourself.’

  ‘I never flaunted myself. At the time you accused me of teasing you, but it wasn’t true.’

  ‘Well maybe you didn’t know what you were doing, but it was there. There are some women...you can tell at once, even when they’re very young...for whom carnal love is important. You’re like that. You were made for desire. I knew it even then when you were a gawky girl, but when I saw you the other night at the ball, you were the most beautiful woman in the room, and I knew I had to have you.’

  He began to walk forward and she retreated from him, fighting down the tide of nausea.

  ‘It’s true, Kate. There’s a sheen on a woman who’s spending her nights in pleasure, and it was on you. Don’t tell me that dreary husband of yours accounts for it all.’

  Before she could stop herself she’d lashed out and struck him a blow across the face with all her might. But he only laughed and seized her hand.

  `That’s the ticket. There’s nothing like a little spirit in a woman to give passion an extra bite. What a time we’re going to have!’

  ‘Get out of here,’ she gasped. ‘Or I’ll scream and damn the consequences.’

  ‘All right, I’m going. Just one little kiss on account. Come here.’

  The arms that yanked her against him were as brutal as years before when he’d taken her in her ignorance and distress. So were the lips that crushed hers until she couldn’t breathe. Then there had been no pleasure, only fear and disgust. Now it was the same but worse. She strained against him, fighting uselessly against his strength. And he laughed.

  ‘I’ll be back, Kate,’ he said, releasing her so suddenly that she nearly fell. ‘You think you can fight me, but you can’t. I’ll expect to see you next Monday at Almack’s. Be there. Don’t force me to come looking for you again.’

  Then he walked out and left the house with a cheery word to the footmen. It was the kind of action that made servants love him.

  *

  Too long in London made Justin uneasy. He wouldn’t leave town for good until his duty to Charmaine was done, but when an invitation arrived from a friend for a few days’ shooting he began working out how to present the matt
er to his wife, who, he knew, would not enjoy being left alone in town.

  But to his pleasure and surprise she immediately urged him to accept. Suspecting that she was sacrificing herself he began to retreat.

  ‘Perhaps I sinould refuse,’ he said. ‘It’s hardly fair to you.’

  ‘Please Justin, I want you to go,’ Kate said quickly. ‘You’ll be much happier in the country, and it’s not for long.’

  ‘No, just a few days...a week...ten days at most,’ he said, feeling more guilty with every moment.

  ‘Stay as long as you like,’ she said, smiling. ‘And enjoy yourself.’ She kissed him. ‘That is a command.’

  ‘Have I married a tyrannical wife?’

  ‘A bully, a shrew and a nag,’ she teased.

  ‘Oh Kate...’ He kissed her lingeringly. ‘Kate...I’m not going. How can I leave you?’

  ‘Think of Lady Castlereagh’s ball tomorrow night, and you’ll find it very easy to leave.’

  He laughed, kissed her again, and that afternoon he set out in his curricle.

  Kate watched him go with sadness, but also with relief. It had been hard to laugh with him as though nothing was amiss, but with Justin away Leon couldn’t get to him, either to drop hints or to apply for Charmaine’s hand. She had a breathing space.

  At the Castlereagh ball, Leon paid delicate, but not obtrusive court to Charmaine. He was always careful not to flirt too obviously. Or, as Millicent put it, ‘His manners are as distinguished as his breeding.’ No doubt it was this gentlemanly tact that made him bespeak Lady Farringdon’s hand first.

  ‘A waltz,’ she demurred. ‘Oh no, I am past the age of waltzing.’

  ‘No lady as young and beautiful as yourself, ma’am, should be permitted to say so,’ he said merrily. ‘Come, you cannot refuse me.’

  ‘Very well then, I cannot,’ she said, and allowed him to lead her on to the floor, pretending not to see Charmaine’s outraged look.

  ‘Lord Farringdon does not honour us with his presence tonight,’ Leon enquired.

  ‘My husband is spending some time with friends in the country.’