Today is day seven, I think. The numbness effects my legs and hands now, Sarah. I fear I won’t be able to write much more. There’s so much to say and no time left to say it all. I love you, have loved you since school. You were always the bright light in my life, you and our baby. Love our baby for me sweetheart. I know now that these are the last words I’ll ever pen to you. Please remember me Sarah. Find a way to smile again, to love again. I know it will seem unthinkable at first, but please try. Be happy, if not for yourself, then for our baby. I want our child to know happiness, to know that her mother is happy.
I will love you long after I’m gone, my sweet Sarah.
I am always yours,
Ben
The tears came as they always did, in a torrent. Sarah curled into the fetal position on her bed and sobbed until she fell asleep. The next morning, she woke to the sunlight and wiped the grit from her eyes. Using her wash basin, she wiped her face and neck down before digging out a clean dress. She dressed quickly and slowly meandered downstairs.
“You’re late for breakfast,” Katherine Stoneman said, her voice firm. “I suppose I can warm you a cup of coffee if you’d like.”
“Thank you,” Sarah said, her body beginning to tremble as a wave of nausea swept over her. She turned away from the other guests and ran outside as her stomach rolled over. She barely made it to the rail before she lost what little she’d managed to keep down the night before. She heard a shooing sound behind her and turned wary eyes on Bernd Blindow who even now was pulling her hair away from her face.
“Are you alright, Mrs. Dickerson?”
“I’m a bit better now, yes.” She felt mortified. Here was the man who’d paid her way to Texas, the man who was footing the bill for her stay at the inn, the man who’d offered her his name and the security of his ranch for her unborn child, and she’d managed to retch in front of him less than twenty-four hours after making his acquaintance. What a way to make an impression, Sarah thought to herself.
“I suppose this means you probably don’t feel good to take a trip out to my ranch,” Bernd said, the disappointment easy to read in his face.
“Actually, I feel much better now. I’m learning that this whole nausea thing is a hit or miss sort of thing and once it’s over, I usually feel quite normal. If you’re still offering, I’d love to take a trip to your ranch with you.”
“I’ll let Ms. Katherine know. When we get to my home I’ll fix you some warm tea and find a comfortable place for you to rest. Then maybe we can talk and get to know each other a little better.”
“I’d really appreciate that,” she smiled.
***
Bernd helped Sarah up into his buggy, he’d brought the one with a cover this time, to ward off the wind that had picked up overnight. “Will you be warm enough, Sarah?”
“I’ll be fine, Bernd. Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold, especially being with child.”
“If you give me tea and rest as promised, I’m sure the little one I’m carrying will be just fine.”
“Alright then,” Bernd said, looking into her pretty eyes. He hated seeing them so haunted. Not that he was an expert, but Sarah seemed gaunt for her tall frame. She wasn’t as tall as him, but standing next to him, she reached his chin. The fact that he’d noticed was a surprise and one he wasn’t sure he was thrilled about.
At thirty, he’d lived his life well enough as a bachelor. He didn’t see any reason he should be changing his mind. Granted, Sarah Dickerson was stunning and her story haunted him, but even that wasn’t a reason to decide that marrying was now in his future. Bernd pulled up into the stables on his ranch and quickly unhooked the horses, turning them loose. He’d see that they got groomed and fresh bedding as soon as he got Sarah settled. He lifted her easily from the buggy, noticing the way heat infused his hands when they rested on her sides. She was as light as a feather and for someone who had to be close to five foot ten, she shouldn’t have been so slight. “Let’s get your tea for you and find you a place to rest, then I’ll see to the horses.”
“I can help,” Sarah insisted.
“Not in your condition,” Bernd said, unwavering. “Come with me now and I’ll see you settled with some tea. The horses, Jeb and Judith, will keep for a time.”
“Jeb and Judith?” she asked, the hint of a grin on her face.
“I named them after my twin sister and little brother. They stayed behind in Germany with my parents. I miss them, so I named my horses after them.”
“How sweet. You have a twin sister?”
“I do. I’m better looking of course,” he chuckled.
“I bet she disagrees,” she smiled.
“With all her heart,” he added. Bernd helped Sarah into his ranch house and found her a comfortable chair to sit in. “Let me know if you need anything before your tea is ready.”
“I don’t mean to intrude, Bernd. I was hoping, however, that you might have something light to eat.”
“I have some soda crackers if you’d like some.”
“That would be perfect,” Sarah smiled. “Thank you.”
“Absolutely,” he grinned. “Do you like your tea warm as they do in London, or cold as they tend to do here in the U.S.?”
“Warm, please.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Bernd pour a cup of tea for Sarah and brought it to her, watching her almost visibly relax as she sipped it. “This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Bernd.”
“It’s my pleasure,” Bernd smiled. “So, I have a confession to make that may help you relax some.”
“Oh?”
“I advertised for a wife, because I knew it would get more responses than if I had advertised for someone to help me keep my home in order. When I moved here I had no idea what to expect, except that it wouldn’t be easy. I had no idea the land was so inhospitable. It’s taken me nearly two years to make it this far and most days I feel as if I’m barely hanging on. I can’t keep up with the ranch’s needs and my own as well. I was hoping you’d be willing to keep my home clean and well kept, in exchange for a marriage that would give your child a father.”
“So you thought I’d want to marry you just to give my son or daughter a good name?”
“Yes,” Bernd said, even though when she said it out loud it didn’t quite seem as nice as he’d thought.
***
Sarah sighed. “I guess I should be grateful anyone wants to marry me at all, given my circumstances. Still, it stings to know that all you wanted was a maid.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer from the beginning. I’m not good with words much,” Bernd said. “I wasn’t even sure in the beginning what I should write. All I knew was that some men were having success finding a woman from the east when there seemed to be none available here. Do women back in Virginia not keep the house for their husbands?”
“They do, unless they can afford a maid. I just…I was just hoping that I’d be in the position to keep a promise I made to my late husband. I think in due time, though, I’ll manage to find my way. I greatly appreciate what you’re doing for me and my child,” Sarah finally said. She enjoyed her tea, nibbled on some soda crackers and then, accepting Bernd’s offer, took his arm as he led her around his ranch. As you can see there’s plenty of land for grazing. I even sectioned off several smaller fields for planting. I’d like to rotate my crops so that the fields have a rest every couple of years or so.”
“You have a lovely farm,” Sarah smiled. The process was foreign to her, she realized. Smiling when she felt anything but happy. Engaging in conversation when she wanted to be silent. Living when her husband no longer was. She knew if it wasn’t for the life she carried in her womb, the baby she’d created with her amazing, Ben; she wouldn’t have escaped the grief. It would have sucked her down so far that she’d have ceased to be even the memory of herself. So, thinking only of the baby she needed to nurture, Sarah resolved to enjoy the day and was surprised when
Bernd took her back to the inn, that she had done just that.
“Thank you so much for coming out to see my place, Sarah.”
“You’re welcome, Bernd. Thank you for inviting me.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “Let me know when you make your decision. After that we can set up a schedule that works for you. Once we have that all squared away, I can tell you more about my expectations, your pay scale, and all the other details.”
“Excellent,” she smiled. She retired to her room, taking the biscuits she’d made that afternoon with her. She’d left Bernd with enough stew and biscuits for that night, as well as, the next afternoon and evening. Dipping her biscuit in the stew broth, Sarah thought about how her life had changed in the last month. She’d gone from being elated about her new baby to the impossible grief of losing her husband, only to end up in a completely new country.
Grinning, she wondered at the mysterious ways of God. For the first time in a month she felt peace settle over her. Changing into her flannel nightgown to ward off the chill in the air, Sarah spent time talking with God.
I wouldn’t have imagined this turn of events for all the world. I didn’t want to believe it, you know. I wanted to shut out the world and pretend as if none of the bad was happening. I miss him. I miss Ben. I know I’ll grieve when he baby comes. I’ll weep for all he’s missed; all he will miss. I know he wanted me to move on, to learn to live and love again. I’m finding it to be harder than I thought in my grief. Help me Lord, to keep his dying wish.
Sarah slept peacefully for the first time in a month and woke to a beautiful, if cold, morning. She was dressed and at breakfast early, another first. She greeted Katherine with a smile, one she actually felt inside, and when Bernd showed up she hugged him.
“Sorry,” she chuckled. “I feel, for the first time in what feels like forever, alive again.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Bernd said. Offering his arm, he helped Sarah into the buggy and they set off for his ranch. “I have to tell you that the stew you left was phenomenal. I haven’t eaten that well in a long, long time.”
“I’m glad to know you liked it. There should be plenty for our lunch and your supper tonight as well.”
“Would you join me, for supper? I can have you back to the inn just after, still in time for curfew.”
“I’d love to join you. If you have anything else to work with, I can start on a meal for tomorrow as well. Also, since I’ll be in charge of your household duties, I need to know if you’ve put up a clothesline yet.”
“I hadn’t gotten around to it yet, but I can see to that today. If you don’t mind waiting, I can stop by the lumber yard today to get the supplies.”
“I don’t mind waiting,” Sarah smiled, noticing that she meant it. As Bernd stepped down from the buggy, having secured the reigns, she watched him stride into the front of the store where transactions took place. He was tall and broad, a good six inches taller than she was, he cut a powerful figure. He was different than Ben, but not in a bad way. Where Ben had been just taller than her, with dark hair and shining brown eyes; Bernd was much taller with sandy blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. His smile was easy and never seemed to ask the gesture in return.
Sarah busied herself around the ranch house, cleaning and scrubbing cupboards and floors. While she soaked the dishes in the metal wash basin, she looked out the window to watch Bernd as he placed four-by-four posts in the ground to anchor the sides of the clothesline. By the time she had washed all the cupboards, scrubbed the floors and finished the dishes, Bernd had strung up six long lines. She saw him turn toward the window and returned his easy smile.
Chapter Three: Moving Forward
Bernd stepped into his home and felt the almost tangible difference. No longer was there a noticeable dank smell in the air. His windows were open t to the sunlight and everything just looked better, cleaner, and more organized. “I’m not going to be able to find anything now,” he joked, smiling when Sarah turned around.
He felt his heart squeeze in his chest. Love, the kind he’d never looked for and never thought was for him, swamped him straight down to his toes. It swelled inside him until it was hard for him to breathe.
“Would you like to try out the new clothesline?”
“I have some wash to hang out, yes.” Her smile had changed he noticed. It seemed warmer and more natural, as if she actually felt the happiness behind it. She needed time, he knew. Anyone would when they’d lost the love of their life. He still marveled at her strength. To stand in the face of grief and proclaim that she wouldn’t be taken down by despair. To rise above the ache in her heart and become someone who knew how to move on, which path to take and how to be effective at it. He smiled back at her.
“Alright then,” he said. “Once you get that done, we can have supper. Then I’ll get you back to the end so you can get some decent rest. How is it there by the way?”
“It’s comfortable. I’m usually so tired by the time I fall asleep that it doesn’t seem to give me much trouble.”
“I’m glad you’re able to get adequate rest. I’ve heard that expecting can wear a woman out, especially during that first few months.”
“I have noticed that I tire much easier. I’m hoping before too long I’ll recover and feel more like myself.”
“Me too,” Bernd smiled. Bernd helped Sarah carry the wash out to the line and proceeded to help her hang it, noticing that bending over seemed to make her back ache. They ate supper quietly, except for the way he exclaimed over her stew, again. “I can’t get over it. I haven’t had food this good since I left my parent’s home nearly two years ago.”
“My mother taught me that stew recipe. The biscuits I learned how to make from Ben,” she said, her eyes showing her sadness at the mention of his name. “The first time I made them, they were terrible; hard and definitely not fit for consumption. Ben taught me to use lard in my recipe and it was like adding magic. I’ve never made them any other way since then.”
“He must have been an amazing man,” Bernd said, reaching across the table to give her hand a comforting pat.
“He was,” she replied. Bernd took her home right after supper, smiling when she started to yawn as they reached the inn. “Thank you for supper, and everything else. I’m thankful that I have a friend that I can talk to about Ben. You’re such a blessing to me.”
“I am the one who is blessed, Sarah,” Bernd said, lifting her down onto the sidewalk in front of the inn. “Sleep well, my friend.”
***
Sarah did just that and for the first time since Ben’s passing, she woke with a smile on her face. She met Bernd downstairs and so went their routine. As Sarah’s pregnancy progressed, Bernd did more and more to help her. He carried clothes out to the line and hung them up. He scrubbed the floors and helped with dinner dishes, insisting that she take it easy, even when she told him she felt perfectly fine.
“I feel wonderful, Bernd,” she giggled one afternoon when he insisted on cleaning the table off. “I haven’t felt this great in weeks, months actually.”
“That’s no reason for you to start overdoing,” Bernd replied, his eyes focused on her face. She smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“Then I’ll go see if I can’t do something about that mess you call a bedroom.”
Sarah would have sworn she heard him sigh in relief when she quit arguing about finishing the rest of the laundry. So far he’d all but banned her from everything except dusting, window washing and folding laundry once he brought it in from the line. She couldn’t help but wonder if Ben would have been so protective. Probably, she resolved, knowing how well her late husband had loved her.
“Bernd is a different sort of man,” Sarah prayed with a smirk on her face. “He’s smart and caring like Ben was, but he’s got a shy side that endears me to him. Six months ago I wouldn’t have thought it possible to care for another man. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to feel happiness or joy again either. Now I know diffe
rently. Thank you for Bernd, Lord. Thank you for his friendship and the way he cares for me. Thank you for providing for my needs in ways I couldn’t comprehend back then. Help me to carry on. Help me to know which path to take and when to take it.”
Sarah worked that afternoon on rearranging Bernd’s room so that it was not only organized, but comfortable and roomy. His large bed, dresser, two nightstands, two lamps and two chairs fit easily in the space and Sarah felt that he’d appreciate his private space even more now.
Their routine continued on with Bernd restricting Sarah more and more as she entered her last month of pregnancy. She’d seen the town doctor every month since she’d arrived and according to him, was progressing as normally as any mother should.
“This time next month, we should all be elated to meet your new baby, Sarah,” Dr. Portman had said that morning. Bernd had been overjoyed to know that she was still doing well. The doctor scheduled another visit for two weeks from that date, just to check up and see how she was feeling. Sarah couldn’t have been happier as September rolled into October. The wind was chilly now as the last of the leaves fell from the trees and the first signs of winter began to set in. Thanks to Bernd, she’d been able to purchase bundles and bundles of yarn and had been feverishly knitting clothes for her baby. She’d chosen neutral colors like green, yellow and white to start, but had picked up other bundles of yarn for future garments. She’d also sewn several sleepers and blankets that would help keep her baby warm as winter took a tighter grip on the land as her baby grew in those first few months.
“Do you have any names picked out yet?” Bernd asked her one afternoon while she worked on fresh noodles for spaghetti.
“I’m thinking Eloise Sophia, if it’s a girl. I’d ultimately like to include Ben’s name as a middle name probably, if it’s a little boy.”
[2016] A Bride's Journey Page 33
