Stuff Parisians Like

by Olivier Magny

  Parisians are so bold. You can tell from their stories.

  USEFUL TIP: To look Parisian, wear jeans and a sweater on the slopes.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: Ouais, on a eu de la chance, la neige était excellente. (“Yeah, we got lucky, the snow was excellent.”)

  Not Exercising

  Besides the common Parisian judgment according to which, if you work out, you are either gay or stupid, the general perception of sports in Paris is that they are retarded and pointless activities. It is therefore seldom practiced by most Parisians.

  Yet most Parisians like to remind their friends they used to play sports when they were young: judo, tennis, soccer, fencing, or basketball for young Parisian boys, dance for girls (usually starting with ballet, moving into “modern jazz” as teenagers, though today, “modern jazz” tends to be supplanted by hip-hop or salsa). Most Parisians were actually quite good at the sport they used to practice.

  When foreigners jog in the streets of Paris, Parisians will usually smile at them. Which is a rare but in that case much deserved thing. These smiles come in two forms: the marveled-kid smile (think three-year-old kid getting excited when he sees a dog), or the accomplice-in-provocation smile (think of a tennis player smiling when he sees a guy running around naked in the middle of his game on Wimbledon’s Center Court). Seeing someone jog takes the Parisian to poetic levels of excitement. He cannot resist this delightfully provocative and refreshing show.

  In Paris, joggers are showmen.

  The only Parisians who occasionally exercise (usually though not to the point of breaking a sweat) are the ones who have at some point lived in America. There, they discovered a different reality where people can be both intelligent and in shape. So they run. Usually for twenty minutes a week. Maximum. This category of Parisians only shares this imported habit with friends with similar American-infused behaviors. To clarify that they are neither stupid nor gay, those Parisians tend to display poor skills and to wear gear that testifies immediately to their American experience (UNC sweatshirt, NYU T-shirt, Alfredo’s Burritos cap).

  It is important to realize that exercising is especially ruled out for Parisian women. Parisian women are not to sweat. And not to wear sneakers (except for trendy ones). Most Parisian women deal with it nicely for they tend to dislike sports.

  Rather evidently, the physical consequences of substantial and frequent workout sessions (that is, a healthy figure or large muscles) will have you immediately categorized by Parisians as gay or stupid. Parisians are logical.

  And prepared: when attacked for their lack of physical activity, Parisians systematically respond “I walk a lot.” Parisians are hard to beat.

  USEFUL TIP: If you do exercise, don’t let other people see that you do.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: Je faisais pas mal de tennis quand j’étais petit. (“I used to play tennis a fair bit when I was younger.”)

  New York

  Asking any Parisian where in the world he’d like to live, you will get the same systematic answer: New York.

  It is every Parisian’s dream to live in New York.

  Parisians like to think of themselves as culturally superior. As all people of culture, they shape their perception of reality on cultural masterpieces: in the case of New York, landmarks such as Home Alone 2, You’ve Got Mail, The Devil Wears Prada, and Friends. Parisians want to be a part of this New York reality: they want to meet their friends for coffee at Central Perk.

  Many Parisians take the step of actually going to New York. For most of them, it is like opening Pandora’s box. New York is as vibrant as Paris is asleep; it’s as young as Paris is old, as fast as Paris is slow. They were charmed by the beauty of Paris, now they can’t resist New York’s sex appeal. Paris is every Parisians’ wife. New York is their mistress.

  Parisians know how living with your wife gets old.

  At this point, many Parisians will feel the urge to proclaim publicly their love of New York. New York gear is very popular, especially among the younger generation of Parisians. The I Heart NY T-shirt is a must. Worn properly, it can become the utmost element of chic or cool. Less stylish people will opt for an NYPD T-shirt. FDNY gear is exclusively reserved for the gay community in Paris.

  Nothing is more chic than having New Yorker friends. Reaching such a cultural pantheon will give the Parisian an irreversible precedence over his acquaintances who do not share their privilege. It is impossible for a New Yorker to be anything but super cool. The Parisian with New Yorker friends will usually advise his French friends on the right neighborhoods and bars to visit when in New York. The phrase un peu underground will at that point usually be pronounced, often accompanied with a discreetly satisfied smile.

  When talking about New York, the French language seems to boil down to three nouns, three adjectives, and one adverb: énergie, opportunités, dynamisme on the one hand, grand, super, génial on the other. Throw in some plein and you can sustain any Parisian conversation about New York. These shiny triptychs certainly help Parisians display their advanced understanding of local social norms.

  Because such are Parisians: into social norms and way beyond clichés.

  USEFUL TIP: In Paris, stating that you prefer Paris over New York will make you sound old and boring.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: New York, c’est vraiment super, y a une énergie . . . (“New York is really great, I mean, the energy . . .”)

  Wealthy Arrondissement Bashing

  It is obvious Parisian knowledge that all people living in the same arrondissement (“neighborhood”) are one. They all talk the same, dress the same, go out to the same places, and have the same professional occupations. This knowledge allows Parisians to practice wealthy arrondissement bashing.

  This Parisian activity is based on decades of hands-on sociological analysis and is therefore absolutely acceptable. If, as a non-Parisian, you argue this is rough generalization, you will probably be considered “one of them.”

  Parisians living in the 6th, 7th, 8th, 16th, and 17th arrondissements are all bourges (short for “bourgeois”). They all drive Smart cars or BMWs. They all spend their vacation in Cannes or Courchevel. And they all wear Ralph Lauren shirts. Only Parisians living in the 16th can be called gros bourges. They are all rich and should therefore be punished. A gros bourge is like a bourge, but worse. No further explanation is needed. Obviously, it is not possible to befriend a gros bourge without immediately becoming one yourself.

  Brazil has a saying that you always have sex with people darker than you and marry someone lighter than you. The same goes with arrondissements in Paris. While sexual intercourse happens between people from different arrondissements, marriages tend to only happen within your own original group.

  At this point, it is crucial to realize that wealthy arrondissement bashing happens even among wealthy arrondissement people. A wedding between a girl from the 6th (Saint Germain des Prés) and a boy from the 16th will appear as a disgrace in the girl’s family (cultural degradation, reign of money, loss of class), while it will be viewed as a threat for the boy’s family (patrimonial dilapidation, reign of left-wing ideas, absence of dynamism).

  When moving into one of the wealthy arrondissements from a nonwealthy arrondissement or even (God forbid) from another city, it is important for newbies to have a clear understanding that they will lose friends in the process. Social climbing is not well accepted in Paris. One ought to remain poor. In Paris, it’s called being polite.

  USEFUL TIP: To look bourge, and therefore be accepted by wealthy arrondissement people, just pop your collar.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: Tu vois, le mec . . . hyper seizième! (“That guy, I mean . . . he’s so 16th (arrondissement)!”)

  Complaining

  While the French have gained a much-deserved reputation for complaining a lot, Parisians take this art to a higher level. In Paris, enthusiasm is considered a mild form of retardation. If you are happy, you must be stupid. On the other hand, if you complain, you must be smart.


  A beautiful Parisian syllogism is at hand here: the person who complains is the person who spotted the problem. The person who spotted the problem is the smart person. Therefore the person who complains is the smart person.

  This, of course, has deeply affected the Parisian mind. These days, complaining has become the default mode for most Parisians. Making the Parisian a constantly smart person. On top of being, obviously, a lucid one, gifted with the wisdom of not fooling himself with the idiotic perspective of simple happiness. In Paris, complaining is a great remedy to happiness, and therefore to retardation.

  With much talent, Parisians manage to constantly tarnish their reality by always finding something to complain about: the food served, people, their jobs, their bosses, the metro, their neighbors, politicians. . . .

  The more systematically the Parisian complains, the higher up he ranks in the Parisian hierarchy of intelligent people. The more creative the subject of the complaint is, the more liked and admired the Parisian will be by his Parisian peers (if there is such a thing).

  Complaining about the weather or reality television will merely have you accepted by other Parisians. Complaining about highly praised and broadly admired things in Paris like Woody Allen’s movies, picnics on the Champ de Mars, or seating at a terrace will immediately place you somewhere between irresistibly original and delightfully iconoclastic.

  Needless to say, the idea of actually doing something about what he’s complaining about does not cross the Parisian’s mind.

  In the end, the rhetoric of complaining in Paris is foolproof:

  You’re not happy but you’re smart.

  You’re not happy because you’re smart.

  Gosh, it is good to be a Parisian!

  USEFUL TIP: For increased levels of perceived intelligence, be creative in the things or people you complain about.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: Il fait vraiment trop chaud, c’est insupportable. (“It is really too hot, it’s insufferable.”)

  The Sun

  Parisians are sun-deprived most of the year. When the sun comes out, it implicates a drastic shift in the Parisians’ habits and interactions.

  On a sunny day, it is imperative for Parisians to stress to their friends and colleagues that indeed the sun is out. As most Parisian conversations will start with a weather comment, a sunny day will set the tone for a joyful interaction. Thus, along with the sun, Parisians discover lightheartedness.

  Parisian women are the first ones to act out when the sun appears. Warmer temperatures are what Parisian women have been longing for to display the pieces of clothing they’ve been shopping for over the previous months. The sun is also an excellent excuse for Parisian women to say, “J’ai rien à me mettre, il faut absolument que j’aille faire du shopping.” (“I have nothing to wear, I need to go shopping.”)

  Consequently, Parisian men do go out more—mostly to stare at Parisian women wearing shorter pieces of clothing. But under the sun, Parisian men also get more in touch with their sex appeal and turn into mean seduction machines. During the summer months, Parisian males will have a tendency to undo three or four shirt buttons. Sometimes five. A beginner’s mistake would be to display a gold chain on his naked chest, which would immediately identify him as a provinciaux. Seeing bits of hairy male chests on the streets of Paris will have most American tourists giggling and saying, “Ew, hairy!” The Parisian man will sense that and will feel good about himself, comforted in his ultimate superiority over other human beings.

  Under the sun, Parisians become more sexually attracted to one another, more joyful, and more conversant. All this messes up Parisian social interactions based on distance and coldness. Fortunately, it only lasts for a few months. The sun is also a strong hamper to economic activity in Paris as it is commonly accepted that when the sun comes out, you unilaterally shorten your workday to go sit at a café. Parisian bosses hardly argue, for they secretly abide by the same rules. Short skirts and hairy chests should indeed prevail over work. Such is the summertime Parisian wisdom.

  USEFUL TIP: Do not wear sporty sunglasses. This is Paris.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: T’as vu le soleil?! Il faut absolument en profiter. (“It’s so sunny out! We totally need to go out and enjoy it.”)

  House Parties

  Tourists visiting Paris may be disappointed by the Parisian bar and going-out scene.

  The main reason behind this is that young Parisians do not go out as much as youngsters from other cities or countries. They do go out. But to their friends’ apartments: the Parisian version of a house party. Young Parisians throw two sorts of house parties: une soirée posée and une grosse soirée.

  La soirée posée is a quiet party. Parisians sit on couches, chairs, or the floor, drinking a bit and munching on des gateaux apéro. Discussions vary but usually turn political. The atmosphere gets more electric, two camps are usually defined (a heavenly night for a young Parisian man is to be alone against the rest of the crowd) and girls usually end up in the kitchen talking about work, secret affairs, or clothing while guys keep going political. La soirée posée is usually improvised the same day and repeated every Friday or Saturday.

  La grosse soirée involves more Parisians. More alcohol. More planning. And people dancing. The Parisian is reluctant to throwing a grosse soirée. The Parisian usually claims that his place is too small. Which is a bad excuse. Truth is, his place will be trashed by other drunk Parisians. The success of a grosse soirée lies in a nice sexual balance and in the diversity of people who attend, ultimately proving not only that the Parisian hosting is generous but also that his friends are really cool.

  The predominance of house parties in Parisian culture explains the overall lameness and high foreigner attendance proportion of most Parisian bars and clubs.

  USEFUL TIP: Don’t bring wine to a grosse soirée—that would really be cheap of you.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: Si tu veux passer à la maison ce soir, j’ai invité deux ou trois personnes. (“If you want to stop by the house tonight, I invited two or three people.”)

  Last-Minute Flaking

  Foreigners interacting with Parisians complain about their tendency to flake at the last minute. As with every rule in France, the appointment rule is meant to be adapted—humanized, the French would say. Though the reason for flaking can be quite good, it does not matter as much as the time and the manner it is delivered in: common Parisian wisdom is that the later you flake, the more acceptable your excuse is.

  Even better, the more unlikely your excuse is, the more credible it will be (the “I’m so so so sorry. You’re never going to believe this . . .” strategy). Ultimately, you really need to convince your Parisian friend that you honestly thought you were going to make it until two minutes ago, when this catastrophe happened in your life.

  For Parisians who are not daring enough to go for the big lies, three main types of excuses are usually brought to the table:

  Excuse 1: “I’m sorry, I’m just too busy. I’m gonna have to cancel.”

  Excuse 2: “You know what, I’m just exhausted. I prefer to cancel.” (Probably the most Machiavellian one as it makes the flaker look like the good guy.)

  Excuse 3 is hard to formulate as it is usually hidden behind excuse 1 or excuse 2. Excuse 3 is that something better just came up. It is the most frequent cause of last-minute flaking.

  Parisians do not get angry or upset for last-minute flaking. Usually, they are somewhat relieved because they too probably had something better to do (for example, seeing another friend at the same exact moment on the other side of town). Parisians consider last-minute flaking as advanced time and relationship optimization. Last-minute flaking is therefore broadly practiced and accepted: it is an internalized part of social interactions for most Parisians.

  It would be rude to be angry at your friend for flaking on you. All the more so because a real Parisian would have been about to flake on him and his call was actually a relief. If he flaked on you with a mere text m
essage, just give it the usual three weeks of Parisian silence and the incident will be forgotten about. Flaking is no big deal in Paris. Yet it would be unwise to flake repetitively on the same Parisian, especially if that Parisian is a woman.

  While onetime flaking is very acceptable, repetitive flaking will be considered a sign of disrespect and poor education. With onetime flaking, you may make a new friend, with repeated flaking, you risk losing an old one.

  USEFUL TIP: To prevent last-minute flaking, send a text three hours before the time of meeting to say you’re so looking forward to seeing the person.

  SOUND LIKE A PARISIAN: Je suis DE-SO-LE mais je vais devoir annuler. (“I’m so sorry but I have to cancel.”)

  Urinating in the Street

  Urinating in the street has always been a Parisian habit. Visitors may think only bums indulge in street urination. Truth is, most Parisian men have at some point indulged in some outdoor peeing.

  Street urinating is mostly a nighttime activity, usually while at a bar or after leaving a bar. It is for Parisian men a group activity and a real moment of friendship. Most groups are made up of two or three Parisian men, sometimes joined by a tourist wanting to live a true Parisian experience. Being asked to be a urinating partner is a very Parisian sort of election that one should appreciate.

  Nighttime urinating usually takes place on a little corner or under a porch. Frequently, when about to street urinate with a person they’ve never street urinated with before, Parisians will first head to the restroom, vaguely see a couple people in there, and say, “This is too crowded. Let’s just piss outside.” There is no saying no to such an offer. This is a defining moment for any Parisian friendship.