Tara Road

by Maeve Binchy

  'I don't want to tell Dekko and Myles, they'd tell the whole class,' Brian said.

  'Well don't tell them then, for goodness' sake.' Annie was impatient.

  'Do you get custody of us, Mam, or does Dad?'

  'I've told you we won't fight over you, you'll be welcome with both of us always. But I would think you would probably live with me during the week in term-time.'

  'Because she wouldn't want us, is that it?' Annie was instantly suspicious.

  'No, no. She knows your father has two children, she must want to welcome them.'

  'But she's having her own,' Brian grumbled.

  'What's her name?' Annie wanted to know.

  'I don't know,' Ria lied.

  'You must know, of course you know,' Annie persisted.

  'I don't. Ask your father.'

  'Why won't you tell us?' Annie wouldn't let go.

  'Leave Mam alone. Why do you think she knows?'

  'Because it's the first thing I'd have asked, that anyone would ask,' said Annie.

  Danny used to laugh at the way Ria made a list of things to do. She always headed it List. Old habits die hard. She headed it List and sat at the table when the children had gone. Their hugs had been awkward but some pretence at normality had been restored. The tears and silences of last night were over. The list covered many phone calls.

  She must ring her mother first and prevent her coming anywhere near the house, then ring Hilary, then at ten o'clock when the charity shop where she was meant to be working opened she would ring and cancel her shift. She would ring Rosemary at the printing company and Gertie at the launderette, and Colm to thank him for minding her.

  And lastly she would ring Danny. Beside Danny's name she wrote firmly: Do not apologise.

  Nora Johnson started to explain about the lunch. 'There may be a question on the bill at the restaurant. They said we could have three Irish coffees. In fact, Ria, they more or less insisted. But if there's any dispute…'

  'Mam, could you stop talking please?'

  'That's an extraordinary tone to take with your own mother.'

  'Listen to me please, Mam. This is not a good day for me. Danny and I are going to have a trial separation. We told the children last night. It didn't go well.'

  'And has he moved out?' Her mother sounded very calm.

  'Yes. We haven't decided what to do about the house yet but he has moved out for the moment.'

  'Keep the house,' her mother said, in a voice like a trap closing.

  'Well, all that has to be discussed. If you don't mind I don't feel much like talking about it now.'

  'No, but talk to a lawyer and keep that property.'

  'Ah, Mam, that's not the point. The point is that Danny's leaving. Aren't you sorry? Aren't you upset for me?'

  'I suppose I saw it coming.'

  'No, you couldn't have seen it coming.'

  'He has very small eyes,' said Ria's mother.

  'Can I speak to Mrs Hilary Moran?'

  'Jesus, Ria, think yourself lucky you didn't use that voucher, I have such a hangover.'

  'Listen, can you talk?'

  'Of course I can't talk. I can't think and I certainly can't be in a school with all these screeching voices but this is where I am, and where I have to stay until four thirty. God, you don't know how lucky you are having nothing to do all day but sit in a big house…'

  'Hilary, shut up and listen to me…'

  'What?'

  'Danny has another woman, a girl he got pregnant.'

  'I don't believe it.'

  'It's true. I wanted to tell you before Mam did, she's possibly trying to ring you at this minute.' Ria felt her voice tremble a little.

  'I'm very sorry, Ria, more sorry than I can say.'

  'I know you are.'

  'And what happens now?'

  'We sell the house, I suppose. He goes his way, I go mine. I don't know what happens now.'

  'And the children?'

  'Like weasels of course. In total shock, as am I.'

  'You didn't know or suspect anything?'

  'No, and if you tell me he has small eyes like Mam did I'll go round and kill you.'

  They giggled. In the middle of it all they were able to laugh at their mother.

  'I could tell them I'm sick and come round to you?' Hilary was doubtful.

  'No, honestly, I have a million things to do.'

  'I hope one of them's getting your hands on the deeds of that house,' Hilary said before they hung up.

  Frances Sullivan, who was married to their dentist Jimmy, ran the charity shop. 'Ria… of course… we'll find someone else for this morning, don't give it a thought. Going anywhere nice?'

  'No, bit of a family crisis, something I want to work out.'

  'You do that. Is it Annie and my Kitty?'

  'No, why do you say that?' Alarm bells sounded in Ria's head.

  'Nothing.' Frances was backing off.

  'Go on, Frances. I'd tell you it if I knew.'

  'It's probably nothing, it's just that Kitty let out that she and Annie were going off on a motor-bike rally on Saturday next. I wondered had you found out.'

  'Not next Saturday surely? They have another Careers Forum.'

  'I think not,' said Frances Sullivan. 'But you didn't hear it from me.'

  Rosemary's secretary put her through at once. 'Is it a good time, Rosemary?'

  'Is he giving her up?' Rosemary said.

  'No, not a chance.'

  'And the children?'

  'Took it very badly, of course. Danny and I made a real mess of it.'

  'Are you all right, Ria?'

  'I am at the moment, I'm on autopilot. And thank you so much for all the things, I forgot to thank you for anything.'

  'Like what?'

  'The hairdo, the lunch for Mam and Hilary—they got pissed there by the way, the bill might be a bit more than we thought.'

  'Oh, for heaven's sake, Ria.'

  'And for coming around, and all the encouragement. That's the best bit, I'm sorry for not making a better go of it.'

  'You and he'll be back together.'

  'No, it's not likely.'

  'You're still in Tara Road, aren't you?'

  'Yes, for the moment.'

  'Stay there, Ria. He's not going to leave that house.'

  'Gertie, I truly appreciated your coming round, I knew it wasn't such a good day for you.'

  'And you sorted it all out, didn't you?'

  'No, I'm afraid not.'

  'Listen, there's nothing I don't know about family rows, he'll be as sorry as anything, he'll put it right. He'll let your one, whoever she is, have her baby or an abortion or whatever. You and he are… well, I know you don't like the example but, you're like Jack and myself. Some people are meant for each other.'

  'I know you think this is helping, Gertie, but…'

  'Listen, can you ever imagine either of you living anywhere on earth but Tara Road? You're made for that house, that's a sure guarantee it will work out all right.'

  'Colm? It's Ria Lynch.'

  'Ah yes, Ria.'

  'You were very kind to me. I realised I never thanked you.'

  'There's no need for thanks between friends, it's assumed.'

  'Yes, but we don't want to take friends for granted either.'

  'You wouldn't do that.'

  'I don't know. I seem to have been a bit spaced out.'

  'There's days we're all like that,' he said.

  'Thank you for not enquiring if it sorted itself out.'

  'These things take time.' He was so soothing, making no demands that she tell him. After all the others that she had talked to this was very restful.

  'Danny?'

  'It was awful,' he said. 'I'm so sorry.'

  Ria looked at her little piece of paper. Do not apologise, it ordered her. She had wanted to cry and say she was sorry, that they were not the kind of people who snarled at each other like that. She wanted him to come home and wrap her in his arms. Do not apologise, she read
, and she knew she had been right to write it down. Danny was not coming home to her. Ever.

  'There was hardly any way it couldn't have been awful,' she said in matter-of-fact tones. 'Now let's see what we can salvage. I've told the children to call you today and that maybe you could meet them one evening on some neutral ground. Tell them about things, tell them what it's going to be like. The summer and everything.'

  'But it's all still so up in the air, you and I have to…'

  'No, you must tell them what they can expect. Whether you'll be able to cook dinner for them, have them to stay for weekends. You see they know they'll be welcome here, they don't know what you can offer them.'

  'But you won't want to let them…?'

  'Danny, they're ten and fifteen. Do you think I'm going to try to tell people of that age where they can go to see their father and where they can't? Nor would I want to. They must hear as much good news from you as possible.'

  'You sound very calm.' He was impressed.

  'Of course I'm not calm. But you will let them know they're welcome with you wherever you go, not just phrases, actual plans?'

  'Plans?'

  'Well, you do have a place to live, I imagine?'

  'Yes, yes.'

  'And would it have enough room for them to stay?'

  'Stay?'

  'When they go to see you.'

  'It's just a small flat at the moment.'

  'And is it near by?' She kept her voice interested and without any emotion.

  'It's in Bantry Court, you know, the block… that we… that Barney developed a few years back?'

  'I do,' Ria said. 'That was handy, your being able to get a flat in Bantry Court.' She hoped the bitterness wasn't too obvious in her voice.

  'No, it's not mine, it's Bernadette's. She got it from her father when she was eighteen. You see, it was an investment.'

  'It certainly was,' Ria said grimly.

  'He's dead now,' Danny said.

  'Oh, I see.'

  'And her mother's sort of worried about the whole situation.'

  'I imagine so.'

  'She rang you that time, you know, the woman that didn't give her name? She was sort of checking up on me, I suppose.'

  'But she knew you were married, I presume?'

  'Yes.' He sounded wretched.

  Ria continued to speak brightly. 'And you're getting a house soon, is that right?'

  'Yes, you know, a house. For everybody.'

  'For everybody. Quite.'

  There was a silence. He spoke again. 'You know it will take time' to get everything sorted out.'

  'I think they'd love to know some immediate sort of plans so that they'll know they haven't lost you.'

  'But won't you…?'

  'I'll have them lots. And the same about summer. Tell them the weeks you can take them away. Remember you once talked of renting a boat on the Shannon?'

  'Do you think they'd like that? I mean, you know, without you?'

  'Without me? But they're going to have to learn that it will be without me from now on when it's with you. We all have to learn that. Let them learn it soon before they panic and think that you have gone away.'

  At no stage did Ria mention Bernadette's name or the child that she was carrying. It was clear that she expected that Annie and Brian would be part of the new household. She wanted only that he would close no doors on his daughter and son.

  'Another thing. Do your parents know about… about all this?'

  'Lord no,' he said, startled at the very idea.

  'Don't worry. I'll tell them in time,' she said.

  'I don't know what to say…' he began.

  'Oh, and Barney and Mona and Polly and people… do they know?'

  'Not Mona,' Danny Lynch said quickly.

  'But Barney is up to date?'

  'Yes, well he helped us to get a house, you see.'

  'Like he helped to get us this one,' Ria said. A wave of irritation about Barney McCarthy swept over her. She realised she had never liked him. She had liked both of his women but not him. How odd that she hadn't known this before. She decided to change the subject. 'Children are easily distracted, be sure to emphasise holidays to them.'

  'But what would you do? If we all went away?'

  'I'd go on a holiday myself maybe.'

  'But sweetheart… where would you…?'

  'Danny, can I ask you not to call me that?'

  'I'm so sorry. Yes, you did ask me, but you know it means nothing.'

  'I know now it means nothing. I didn't always.'

  'Please, Ria.'

  'Okay, Danny. We'll say goodbye now.'

  'Where will I take them, McDonald's, Planet Hollywood?'

  'I don't know. It might be a bit difficult to talk in those places, but decide all of you.'

  They hung up.

  It had been less upsetting than she had thought. Funny how annoyed she was about Barney's complicity. It wasn't unreasonable to be annoyed. After all she and Danny had kept Barney's secret for years. They had never told Mona McCarthy where her husband really was on the night that little Annie Lynch was born.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Ria lost all sense of time. Sometimes when she went to bed she awoke thinking it was morning and realising that she had only been asleep for half an hour. The empty side of the bed seemed an enormous vast space. Ria would get up and walk to the window, hugging herself as if to try and ease the pain. Just after midnight and he was asleep in some apartment block wrapped around this child. It was too much to bear. Perhaps her mind would give up under the strain. That's what happened to people. As she sat long hours staring out the window while stars disappeared and dawn came, Ria thought that perhaps her mind had actually broken down already without her noticing it. Yet she appeared to function during daylight hours. The house was cleaned, the meals were cooked, people came and went. She spoke normally, she believed, to those who spoke to her.

  But it was all totally unreal. And she couldn't remember anything at all from a day just over. Was it today that Myles and Dekko had brought three frogs to play in the bath—or was that yesterday or last week? Which was the day that she had the huge row with Annie about Kitty? And how had it started? Had Hilary come with six parsnips and a request that Ria make a parsnip soup to take home with her, or had Ria just imagined this?

  He was going to come back of course, that was obvious. But when? How long did this humiliating, hurtful, waiting period have to go on before he threw his keys on to the hall table and said, Sweetheart, I'm home. Everyone has a silly fling and mine is over, now will you forgive me or will I have to walk on my knees?

  And she would forgive him immediately. A great hug, a holiday maybe. The name of Bernadette would not be mentioned for a while and then it would come into the conversation as a kind of risque joke.

  But when was all this healing process going to start? Sometimes during the day Ria would stop whatever she was doing with a physical sense of shock as she remembered something else that had been a lie. That coloured shirt that he had bought in London. The girl had chosen it for him, hadn't she? Bernadette had been in London with him. Ria had to sit down when she realised that. Then the bill for the mobile phone. Almost every call was to her number, the number that was his now in case of emergencies. The duty-free perfume, a guilt present from a trip with Bernadette. The day when they were all at the zoo, just going into the lion house, and he got a call to go back to the office. That wasn't the office, that had been Bernadette. There were so many times and Ria had never suspected. What a fool, what a simple trusting fool she had been. Then she would argue that view. Who wanted to be a gaoler watching every move? If you loved someone you trusted him. Surely it was as simple as that.

  And everyone knew, of course they did. When she telephoned him at work they must have raised their eyes to heaven, in sympathy as well as irritation. The staid stay-at-home wife who didn't know her husband had another woman. Even Trudy, the girl who answered the phone, must have put Bernadette through as oft
en as Ria. Possibly Bernadette knew her name too, and asked about her diet which was a way of getting into her good books.

  And then of course there was Barney McCarthy coming to this house praising Ria's delicious food. He had been out many, many times with Danny and Bernadette. In Quentin's where Ria went once a year on their wedding anniversary, that nice Brenda Brennan who ran the place would have known too. She must really have pitied Ria, the once-a-year mousy wife who suspected nothing.

  And Polly knew, and of course she must have scorned, not pitied, Ria, because she was in exactly the same position as Mona. Mona? Did she know? Ria had spent so long deceiving Mona and hiding Polly's existence and all the time Mona might have been doing just the same about Bernadette.

  It would be funny if it were not so terrible. And when you thought about it, if all these people knew, didn't Rosemary know? She knew everything that happened in Dublin. But no, Ria had to believe that her performance could not have been an act. And a true friend would have told her. If Rosemary and Gertie had known they would have had to give Ria some warning and not allow her world to be blown apart. From time to time Ria wondered if Rosemary had been giving her warnings. Was all this advice about clothes and getting a job some kind of hint that all was not well?

  The Sullivans obviously knew. Frances had been brisk and supportive. 'It's probably a passing thing, Ria. Men approaching forty behave very oddly. If you can sit it out then I'm sure it will all be for the best.'

  'Did you know?' Ria had asked her directly.

  The answer had not been equally straightforward. 'This is a city full of rumours and stories. You would be addled in the head if you listened to them all. I have enough problems of my own trying to keep Kitty on the rails.'

  Colm Barry probably hadn't known. Danny wouldn't have been so foolish as to take that child to a restaurant a few doors from his own house. But so many others did know. It was humiliating to think just how many. Taxi-drivers would have known, the man in the petrol station, Larry the bank manager, he probably knew. Maybe Bernadette had moved her account to Larry's branch for togetherness.

  The window-cleaner asked about Danny. 'Where's himself?' he enquired. It was a day when she felt in a mood to talk.

  'He's gone, he left me for a young one as it happens.'

  'He always had a bit of a roving eye, your man had, you're well rid of him,' the window-cleaner had said. Now why had he said that? Why?