Tara Road

by Maeve Binchy

  'Sure, anything else?'

  'Brian is by nature filthy, I mean truly filthy. You wouldn't believe it, it could be very unpleasant in close quarters like a boat. You might just insist on clean clothes every day, otherwise he'll wear the same things for a month.'

  Danny smiled. 'I'll note that.'

  'And is there anything for me to look out for when they come to Westville? Is there anything you don't want them to do?'

  He looked surprised to be asked. And pleased. 'I don't know. The traffic I imagine, to warn them that it will be coming from a different side when they cross the road.'

  'That's very sensible, I will warn them all the time.'

  'And maybe they could do some educational things there, you know, museums or art galleries. Things that would help them at school.'

  'Sure, Danny.'

  They brought their mugs of tea out to the garden and sat on the stone bench. There was a silence.

  'About money,' he said.

  'Well I bought my air ticket, you've bought theirs. The rest is just as if we were here, isn't it? I mean the same household expenses except I'll be paying them there.'

  'Yes.' His voice seemed a bit flat.

  'That's all right, isn't it?'

  'Yes, of course.'

  'And the electricity, gas and phone are all paid by banker's order here…"

  'Yes,' he said again.

  'So that's money sorted out, is it?' Ria asked.

  'I suppose so.'

  'And I hope you all have a lovely time on the Shannon. Are you going south or north when you get on the boat?'

  'South to Lough Derg. Lots of lovely little places to moor, it would be fabulous if we got the weather.'

  They were talking like two strangers.

  'I'm sure you will, the long-range forecast is good,' Ria said cheerfully.

  Another silence.

  'And I hope this place works out very well for you too,' he said.

  'I'm sure it will, Danny, thank you for accepting it all. I appreciate that.'

  'No, no it's only fair,' he said.

  'I've left your telephone number for Marilyn.'

  'Good, good.'

  'And perhaps you might bring the children round here to meet her one day?'

  'What? Oh yes, certainly.'

  'Probably best to ring in advance.'

  'Indeed.'

  There was nothing left to say. They walked up the stairs and stood awkwardly in the hall which had been full of crates and boxes and bicycles on the day they had vowed to make it a great home for ever and ever.

  Now the polished floor with its two good rugs glowed warmly in the evening light. The door to the front room was open. There on their table was a bowl of roses that Colm had picked to welcome the American guest. They reflected in the wood, the clock on the mantelpiece chimed and the wind moved the heavy velvet curtains.

  Danny went in and looked around him. Surely he was full of regret not just for these pieces but for the time and energy and love that had gone into gathering them. He seemed to be swallowing as he looked around. He was very still. None of his usual quick movement and almost quivering approach to the world. He was like a photograph of himself.

  Ria knew she would never forget him standing here like this, his hand on the back of one of the chairs. He looked as if he had just thought of the one final thing that this room needed. Maybe a grandfather clock? Possibly another mirror to reflect the window. His face had that kind of look. He did not look like a man about to go away from all that he had built up here to stay with a pregnant girl called Bernadette. He looked like someone about to put down his car keys and say he was home and that it had all been a ridiculous mistake. It would be too late now of course to stop Marilyn but they would find her another place to stay and everything would be as it was. And they wouldn't wake the children now to tell them, let them find out tomorrow. That was the kind of look he had and the aura that surrounded him.

  Ria said nothing; she stood holding her breath as if waiting for him to begin to rebuild the dream. It was very important not to say the wrong thing now. She had been brilliant so far this evening, calm and undramatic. She knew he had valued it. His smile was warm, not strained. He had laughed aloud when she told him how smelly and dirty his son was, his arm had brushed against hers on the stairs and he had not flinched away as he had done during all their prickly conversations.

  He stood almost transfixed in this room, Ria didn't know for how long; it felt like a long time. The room was working a magic of its own. He would speak, he would say it was madness, all of this total madness, he was so sorry that he had hurt so many people. And she would forgive him, gently and soothingly, and he would know that he had come back home where he belonged.

  Why was he taking so long to find the words? Should she help him, give him a pointer in the right direction? And then he looked at her directly and she saw he was biting his lip, he really was struggling to say what was almost too huge to be said. How could she let him know how great would be her forgiveness and understanding, how much she would do to have him home with her again?

  Words had been her undoing in the past apparently; he had thought she was babbling and prattling. Horrible, horrible phrases when she thought she had been talking, confiding. She knew that whatever the temptation she must say nothing. Their whole future depended on this.

  She moved very slightly towards him, just one step, and it seemed to have been enough. He came and put his arms around her, his head on her shoulder. He wasn't actually crying but he was trembling and shaking so heavily that she could feel it all through his body.

  'Ria, Ria, what a mess, what a waste and a mess,' he said.

  'It doesn't have to be.' She was very gentle into his ear.

  'Oh God I wish it had all been different. I wish that so much.' He wasn't looking at her, still talking to her hair.

  'It can be. It can all be what we make it,' she said.

  Slowly, Ria, slowly, she warned herself. Don't gabble; don't come out with a long list of promises and resolutions and entreaties. Let him do the asking and say yes. Stroke his forehead and say that it will all be all right in the end; that's what he wants to hear. He moved his face from her neck and he was about to kiss her.

  She must respond as the old passionate Ria would have. She raised her arms from his shaking shoulders and almost clenched him around the neck. Her lips sought his, searching and demanding. It was so good to hold him again. She felt herself carried away in what could only be called a flood of passion, and didn't realise for an instant that he was tugging at her hands behind his neck.

  'Ria, what are you doing? Ria, stop!' He seemed shocked and appalled.

  She pulled away, mystified. He had reached for her; he had laid his head on her shoulder and said it was a waste, a mess. He had said he wanted to undo it, hadn't he? Why was he looking at her like this?

  'It will be all right,' she said, flustered now but sure that her role must still be one of making smooth his homecoming. 'I promise you, Danny, it will be all right, it will all sort itself out. This is where you belong.'

  'Ria!' He was horrified now.

  'This is your room, you created this. It's yours, like we are your family, you know that.'

  'I beg you, Ria…'

  'And I beg you… come back. We won't talk about it now, just stay, it will all be as it was. I'll understand you have responsibilities to Bernadette and even affection…'

  'Stop this…'

  'She'll get over it, Danny. She's a child, she has her whole life ahead of her, with someone of her own age. She'll look back on it as something foolish, wonderful but foolish… and we'll just accept it into our lives the way people do.'

  'This is not possible… that you should… I don't know, suddenly change like this.' He did look bewildered.

  But this was madness. He was the one who had reached out for her. 'You held me. You told me it was all a mess and a mistake and a waste and you were sorry you did it.'

  'I di
dn't, Ria. I said I was sorry, but I didn't say the other things.'

  'You said you wished it hadn't turned out like this, I'm saying come back. I won't ask you where you are if you stay out late, I swear I won't. Please, Danny. Please.' The tears were pouring down her face now and he was standing there horrified. 'Danny, I love you so much I'd forgive anything you did, you know that. I'd do anything on earth that it takes to have you back.' She was gulping now and she stretched her arms out to him.

  He took her hands in both of his. 'Look, love, I'm going now. This minute. You don't mean any of this, not a word of it. You meant all the things we talked about for half an hour in the garden. You meant about wishing us all a good holiday on the Shannon and I meant about hoping it goes well for you in America.' He looked at her hopefully, as if praying that his nice practical soothing words would stop her tears and prevent the danger of her clutching him again.

  'I'll always be here waiting for you to come back, just remember that.'

  'No you won't, you'll be in America having a great time.' He tried to jolly her along. 'A strange woman will be here trying to make head or tail of our funny ways.'

  'I'll be here, this room will always be here for you.'

  'No, Ria, that's not the way things are, and I'm going now but I want you to know how…'

  'How what?' she asked.

  'How generous it would have been of you to make that offer, if there had been any question of it. It would have been a very unselfish thing to do.'

  She looked at him in amazement. He didn't see that there was no unselfishness or generosity involved. It was what she ached for. He would never realise that, and now she had made a total fool of herself on top of everything else.

  The weeks of planning and driving herself and discipline had been thrown away. Why had they come into this room anyway? If she had not seen that look on his face she might not have seen a possible lifeline. But she had seen it; she had not imagined it. That's what she would hug to herself always.

  'Yes, it's late, of course you must go,' she said. The tears had stopped. She was not the calm Ria who had walked up the stairs from the kitchen with him, her face was too tear-stained for that. But she was in control again, and she could sense his relief.

  'Safe journey,' he said to her on the steps.

  'Oh yes, thank you, I'm sure it will be fine.'

  'And we did make a lovely house, Ria, we really did.' He looked past her back into the hall.

  'Yes, yes indeed, and two marvellous children,' she said.

  On the steps of the house they had spent so long creating, Danny and Ria kissed each other cautiously on the cheek. Then Danny got into his car and drove away and Ria went into her home in Tara Road and sat for a long time at her round table, staring sightless in front of her.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  'They didn't fight,' Annie said to Brian as she helped him I close his suitcase. 'How do you know?'

  'I listened for a bit at the bathroom window, they talked about holidays.'

  'Oh good,' Brian said.

  'She said to Dad that you were filthy, though.'

  Brian looked surprised but unconvinced. 'No she didn't, she wouldn't say that about me. What would make her say that?' His face looked round with worry.

  Annie took pity on him. 'No, I made it up,' she lied.

  'I knew.' Brian's faith in his mother was restored.

  'I wish she weren't going,' Annie said.

  'So do I.'

  It was such a rare thing for the brother and sister to be joined in any emotion that it startled them. They looked at each other uncertainly. These were very troubled times.

  Rosemary arrived earlier than expected. Ria handed her a cup of coffee.

  'You look fine,' Rosemary said approvingly.

  'Sure.'

  'I came early to leave you less time for tearful farewells. Where are they anyway?'

  'Finishing their packing.' Ria sounded very muted.

  'They'll be okay.'

  'I know.'

  Rosemary looked at her friend sharply. 'Was it all right last night with Danny and everything?'

  'What? Oh yes, very civilised.' Never in a million years would anyone know how it had been last night with Danny. Ria would not allow it to be spoken of even in her own heart.

  'Well, then that's good.' There was a silence. 'Ria?'

  'Yes?'

  'You know they'll never see Bernadette as anything… as anything except what she is.'

  'I know, of course.'

  'They won't bond with her or anything like that. Can you imagine what she feels like having to replace you for a month? What a task that would be for anyone let alone a dumb kid like that.' There was no reply so Rosemary just carried on. 'You know, I did think this whole jaunt to America was mad, but now I think it's the cleverest thing you could have done. You're really much sharper than anyone gives you credit for. Hey, here come the kids. What do you want, lingering or brisk?'

  'Brisk, and you're wonderful,' Ria said gratefully.

  In minutes Ria was waving goodbye as Rosemary drove the children to stay in a strange house for the month of July. Who would ever have believed that any of this could happen? And what was even more incredible was that Rosemary actually thought that Ria had been somehow clever to engineer this situation.

  Bernadette's mother was sitting at the kitchen table in the new house. 'Well, she's a fine hard-hearted-Hannah, isn't she, sweeping off to the United States and leaving you to look after her children.'

  'I know, Mum, but in a way it's for the best.'

  'How is it for the best?' Finola Dunne couldn't see any silver lining.

  'Well, I suppose she won't be there in Tara Road any more as a kind of centre for him, you know.'

  'She wasn't much of a centre for him when she was there, judging from the amount of time he spent with you.' Bernadette's mother always managed to sound disapproving of her daughter's affair with a married man while equally proud that the matter had been so satisfactorily sorted out.

  'It was his home for sixteen years, it still has a great draw for him, the place.'

  'This place will too in time, child. Wait till it gets a bit more settled.' Finola Dunne looked around the luxury fitted kitchen which Barney McCarthy's men had installed at double speed. This was an expensive house in one of the more fashionable southern suburbs of Dublin. It must have cost a packet. It was a sheltered avenue, a good place to bring up a new baby, and a lot of other young couples around.

  Finola Dunne knew that Danny Lynch was a hot-shot estate agent. But she felt that the sooner he sold the Tara Road house, realised his money and got some small, more suitable place for his first wife, the better. The boy worked hard, she gave him that, and he obviously adored Bernadette, but he would wear himself out unless he sorted out his finances. He had left this morning for a meeting at 6.00 a.m. to avoid the traffic.

  'Any mention of his selling Tara Road?' she asked.

  'No, and it's not something I ask about. I think he was more attached to that house than to any woman. It gives me the shivers,' Bernadette said.

  'No time for that, they'll be here any minute and a long summer of entertaining them begins.'

  'Only thirty days, and they're not too bad,' said Bernadette with a grin.

  Ria's children were very quiet in Rosemary's car.

  'What kind of things will you do all day, do you imagine?' Rosemary asked brightly.

  'No idea,' Annie shrugged.

  'They don't have cable television,' Brian said.

  'Maybe they'll take you out to places?' Rosemary was optimistic.

  'She's very quiet, she doesn't go to places,' Brian said.

  'Is she nice, I mean interesting to talk to?'

  'Not very,' Brian said.

  'She's okay, just you know nothing much to say,' Annie said.

  “I prefer her mother actually,' Brian said. 'You'd like her, Rosemary, she's full of chat and more your age.'

  'I'm sure I would,' said Rosemary Ryan who
could cope with any boardroom committee meeting or television discussion, but was finding this conversation very hard going indeed.

  At Dublin airport Ria looked around. So many people heading off in so many directions. She wondered whether any of them could be travelling in such a confused state of mind as she was. In the line next to her she saw a good-looking man with the collar of his raincoat turned up. He had fair hair that fell into his eyes. She looked at him wildly. For an instant she thought it was Danny, racing out to stop her leaving, a last-minute plea that she change her mind. She remembered with the feeling of a shower of cold water that this was the last thing on earth he would do. She could still feel him tugging at her hands which she had clasped around his neck. Her face burned at the shame of it.

  She walked through the duty-free shop wondering what she should buy. It seemed such a pity to waste the value that was there on all those shelves. But she didn't smoke, she drank little, she didn't need anything electronic, Marilyn's house would be full of more equipment than she would ever learn to use. She stopped by the perfumes.

  'I want something very new, something I've never smelled before, which will have no memories,' she said.

  The assistant seemed used to such requests. Together they examined the new scents, and settled on one that was light and flowery. It cost £40.

  'It seems rather a lot,' Ria said doubtfully.

  'Well it is, but then it depends. Do you have that kind of money to spend on a good perfume?' The girl clearly wanted to move on.

  'I don't know whether I do or not,' Ria spoke with wonder. 'Isn't that odd? I actually don't know what my financial situation will be. I never thought about it until this minute. I might be the kind of person who could afford this and more, or I might never be able to buy anything remotely like it in my whole life.'

  'I should take it then,' said the sales assistant, quickly trying to head off too much philosophy.

  'You're right, I will,' said Ria.

  She fell asleep on the plane and dreamed that Marilyn had not left Tudor Drive after all but was sitting waiting for her in the garden. Marilyn had brown hair and copper shoes and was wearing a beige suit just like Bernadette's mother had worn. She spoke with a cackle when Ria arrived. 'I'm not Marilyn, you stupid woman, I'm Danny's new mother-in-law. I've got you out here so that they can all move into Tara Road. It was all a trick, a trick, a trick.' Ria woke sweating. Her heart was racing. It was an extraordinary sensation to be on a plane thousands of feet up in the air, people around her eating lunch.