Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free

by Randy Henderson

  “That too,” Dawn said. “Like I said, I expect you to do your half here, dude. That move with the muse got you some major boyfriend points, but don’t think you can coast on that forever.”

  “I won’t,” I said, grinning.

  “Good. And you can start by not missing my show tonight. I’ll need all the support I can get.”

  Crap. “Shouldn’t be a problem,” I said, and prayed to all the gods and goddesses that was true.

  “Good. So,” Dawn said. “I assume this alchemist you promised to bring to Elwha is Heather?”

  “Oh, uh, yeah,” I said, setting the Taser back inside the book.

  “I don’t suppose they have a sarlacc pit they plan to throw her into?”

  I raised my hands. “I’m not her biggest fan either. But if she can undo some of the damage she caused, and help keep our family safe in the process, I’m willing to give her the chance.”

  “I guess,” Dawn said in an unconvinced tone.

  “And in the spirit of Finn Fantastic and Awesome Girl, I thought we could talk to her together.”

  Dawn frowned. “I’m not sure anything I’d say to her would be very helpful.”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” I replied. “I’ll need to convince her to go with me to Elwha. But she was … not happy with me the last time I saw her.”

  “So?”

  “So, you can be there to keep her from freezing me again, or talking me into doing some other crazy thing to win her help. I do seem to have a problem just saying no.”

  “Oh.” Dawn went over to the fireplace, and pulled down the silver sword. “I can do that.”

  “I don’t think you’ll need—” I began, but stopped at the look she gave me. “Right. So, should we go have some breakfast? And I need to finish explaining the situation to my family.”

  “Right after you give me another kiss.”

  The kiss lasted several delicious minutes, and I felt a bit lightheaded when Dawn finally opened the library doors and we walked back to the dining room.

  Pete had returned cleaned up and clothed, and he and Vee were making serious inroads into the waffles. Sammy and Mort were focused on their work, and Mattie chatted with Vera about one of the many crazy experiments she’d helped Father with.

  Sammy looked up when we entered the room and noted the amulet hanging around my neck. “I see she gave it to you. She’s better than you deserve, you know.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, I know. Hey, Pete, I’ll need your help with that exorcism spell if you think you’re ready.”

  “I’ve been practicing and practicing,” Pete said earnestly around a mouthful of waffle.

  “I know you have. And I know you’ll do awesome.”

  Sammy closed her laptop. “So, you going to tell us what’s going on? Or do we get to wait for a phone call in the middle of the night announcing you’ve gotten our family in a clan war with leprechauns?”

  “Well, you are always after their Lucky Charms,” I replied. Dawn and I started dishing up waffles.

  “Funny. But speaking as your sister and Mattie’s aunt, it would be nice if you stopped doing things that put a target on your entire family.”

  “Hear, hear,” Mort muttered.

  “I didn’t—” I began, and paused with a waffle dangling from my fork. I sighed. “I’m sorry. That’s the opposite of what I’m trying to do, I swear.”

  “I know,” Sammy replied. “You were just trying to do the right thing. Which is why I’m here at all, and not heading home to prep for our Game of Thrones viewing party. But maybe next time try and ‘do the right thing’ a little smarter?”

  “Gee, well, we can’t all be as smart as you, sis.”

  Sammy shrugged. “Sad but true. So, give us the deets on your rollicking adventures.”

  We ate while I shared what I had learned in the Other Realm, and of the need to stop the fighting between the brightbloods before it escalated.

  Mort exhaled sharply through his nose. “Yeah, well, good luck with that.” He stood up, grabbing his ledgers. “I told you going into the Other Realm wasn’t worth the risk. You need to cut your losses now. Let the feybloods have their little gang fight, and then they’ll go away to lick their wounds.”

  “And if their fight escalates to all-out war?” I asked. “If Pete and Vee get pulled in? And little Miss Jorōgumo decides to come after my family for revenge?”

  “Then it will be on your head, not mine,” Mort said. “We’ll fortify here until the danger passes. Meanwhile, I have to reschedule the wake for that fairy you left half prepped in the necrotorium.” He left the room.

  “Well, that was helpful,” I said.

  “He’s an ass,” Sammy said. “Though I hate that he’s right about the fairy. You did have a job to do here.”

  “I know that!” I said. “I’m doing the best I can, but I’m only one person.”

  “Don’t get your Underoos in a wad,” Sammy said. “Just tell us, what do you need?”

  “Mostly? I just wanted to make sure you were all together, and safe today. And of course, that you cheer extra loud at Dawn’s show.”

  “Aw, thanks, honey,” Dawn said. “My biggest fan.”

  “Naw, I’m just hoping you hit it big so you can introduce me to Susanna Hoffs.”

  “I catch you with Susanna, and she really will be walkin’ like an Egyptian.”

  Pete swallowed a mouthful of waffle with a gulp, and said, “I can finish prepping the fairy.”

  “Thanks, Brother.”

  We finished making our plans for the evening, then I turned to Verna. “If you’re ready, I’ll introduce you to my father.”

  She patted at her loose silver hair and said, “Yes, quite.”

  I led Verna down the hallway to Father’s door, and knocked before I cracked it open. Father sat at his desk, tinkering.

  “Father?” I said, and opened the door. “I have someone who wants to meet you. Verna, this is my father, Arlyn. Father, this is Verna. She’s an ARC thaumaturge.”

  Verna crossed to Father and held out her hand. “It’s a real pleasure, Arlyn. I was quite impressed with the Summoning Simon artifact you created. I’d love to discuss it with you.”

  Father’s hand twitched, and he said without looking up, “The secret’s in the sauce. It has scrubbing bubbles!” He made popping sounds with his mouth.

  “Bubbles?” Verna asked.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I tried to explain on the way here—”

  “Oh, yes, I see.” Verna cocked her head. “Are you referring to the phenomena of quantum-auratic foam, where the permeable energy layer of our universe is agitated by the product of magical decay in the Other Realm?”

  Father dropped the object he was tinkering with and looked up at Verna. “Thirty-two flavors, scratch and sniff but don’t go licking the jelly!”

  Verna nodded excitedly. “Of course! A human spirit interacting in the Other Realm would create a different ‘flavor’ of auratic decay, and—brilliant. Oh, I must write this down.” She felt in her hair, then in her lab coat pocket, but both were empty of pens.

  Father held up a pen. He had tears in his eyes, and a huge grin.

  “Oh perfect, thank you!” Verna said, and went to Mother’s old desk. She pulled an old pad of stationary from the corner of the desk, and held it up. “Do you mind?”

  Father shook his head, and she began rapidly scribbling on the pad. “This is quite exciting. I hadn’t considered—” She looked up at me. “Oh, did you need help with the equipment? I really would love to speak with your father some more.”

  “I’ll get it unloaded and set up as best I can,” I said, my own eyes filling with tears at the look of joy on Father’s face. “I’ll come back when I’m ready to attempt the exorcism.”

  “Very good,” Verna said, already scribbling again, her tone distracted.

  I turned to leave, and Father said, “Finn Fancy.”

  I turned back. “Yeah?”

  He went to speak
further, but the left side of his face twitched and he shook his head. He just patted at his chest.

  I nodded. “I love you, too, Dad.”

  I left quickly, wiping my eyes, and went upstairs to signal for Heather.

  30

  With or Without You

  I hung my pair of red Chuck Taylors from the rope between my bedroom window and Dawn’s house. As I stepped back into the hall, I thought I felt a trace of spiritual energy, as of a disembodied spirit.

  My eyes snapped to Mort’s room.

  I moved as quietly as I could up the hall, still sensing the spiritual presence.

  *Please, tell me that Mistress Suck a Bus has returned!* Alynon said.

  Dude, you need frakking aversion therapy, I thought.

  The floorboard gave out a loud, obnoxious creak, as only real wood floors in very old houses can.

  “Bat’s breath.” I hurried to Mort’s door, and felt for the presence of a spirit, but detected nothing. I gave a gentle knock. “Mort?”

  No response. Which meant he was refusing to answer.

  Or incapable.

  I tried the doorknob but it was locked. “Mort, if you don’t let me know you’re alive, I’ll have to break this door down.”

  “Break down my door, and I’ll break your face,” Mort said from behind the closed door. “I’m trying to work.”

  His voice sounded off.

  I pulled the skeleton key from around my neck, and touched it to the doorknob.

  A ward symbol glowed orange on the door above the knob, and the door remained locked.

  Crap.

  “Mort, if you’re still summoning that succubus, you’re an idiot,” I said. “And suicidal. Get some help before it’s too late.”

  “I’m not—” Mort began, but I didn’t stay to listen. There was only so much I could do to help someone who wouldn’t help themselves. At least, not when I had a difficult exorcism to perform and a dance battle to prepare for. But even as I walked away I knew I’d be back to try and deal with Mort later.

  Bat’s breath.

  I went downstairs, and Pete helped me to move Verna’s equipment into the basement. We set up the containment circle, and the focusing ring from the Kin Finder 2000 that was meant to seek out resonance between two spirits from the same bloodline.

  *Thank you,* Alynon said finally as I checked that everything was in place. *I—after what I did in the Bright Realm, I would have understood—just thank you.*

  “You’re welcome,” I replied as I aligned the Kin Finder ring with the circle of Verna’s portal equipment. “But mostly I’m doing this because I don’t want to be responsible for your death if I lose to Barry.”

  *Whatever your reasons, I thank you,* Alynon said. *Though if I could ask but one more favor?*

  I stood straight, and sighed. “What is it?”

  *Could you perhaps use the other ring, the one meant to find one’s true love? If I’m going to return to the Other Realm, I do not wish to show up in the Colloquy. At this point, I know not if any side will take me. I just wish to be with Velorain.*

  I sighed. “I suppose it should still work, assuming Velorain really is your true love, and not just another true lust.”

  *It is true love.*

  “Okay then. Love it is,” I said. I swapped out the rings.

  Pete returned with Verna.

  “Your father is a brilliant man,” she said. “And quite charming.” She blushed a bit, and patted at her hair. “How he never worked for the ARC is quite beyond me.”

  “He just wanted to be with his family,” I said. “I’ve set up the equipment as best I could, but—”

  “Oh, yes, well, you have this backward.” She hurried to her portal equipment and made some adjustments. “There. Ready to go.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “I thought I was going to have to open an illegal portal, so this helps more than you can know.”

  “Oh, happy to do it,” Verna said. “What you’re doing could prove quite useful in banishing Fey spirits from our world should we need to.”

  *If it doesn’t kill us both,* Alynon said.

  Do you want to try this or not?

  *Of course. I am desperate enough at this point that I’d try anything.*

  Okay, Mikey. Well, if it is any comfort, the changes I’ve made after seeing Father’s Simon artifact in action should hopefully keep us both from being lobotomized.

  *Let’s just do it before I talk myself out of it.*

  “Here’s to meddling with powers we can’t possibly understand,” I said, and settled cross-legged on the floor at the center of the circle. No need for big speeches or preparing my soul or anything. Like Alynon, I just wanted to get this done with, one way or another. “Pete, Verna, whenever you’re ready.”

  “I’m ready,” Pete said, holding the ritual in his hands. I’d typed it up in Paperclip and printed it out for him, just to be safe.

  “Okeedokee,” Verna said. “Here we go.”

  She flipped a switch. The lights in the basement dimmed and flickered, and then a portal opened up in Verna’s rune-covered ring.

  “Here’s to not getting lobotomized,” I muttered. Otherwise, Silene would have to choose a champion to take my place in the dance contest. And my family would have to get on without me once again. And Dawn—

  I placed my hand on the crystal ball at the back of the Kin Finder 2000 before I could talk myself out of it, and looked at the portal through the KF2K’s focus ring. I poured magic into it.

  Go into the light, I thought at Alynon, and willed him to be gone from my body, to travel through the portal.

  *I’m trying,* he said.

  Pete cleared his throat. “Alynon Infedriel, Knight of the Silver Court, I summon you, and banish you to the Other Realm. By my will I compel you.” He continued in Latin, using an incantation I’d tweaked for this purpose. I wasn’t sure it would do any good, but hopefully it would make Pete believe it would work, and that could make all the difference.

  I sensed something being drawn from inside me, like a rubbery membrane had been wrapped around my brain and was now being pulled toward the portal. But it felt like my entire brain was being pulled with it.

  I pressed my free hand against my temple, tried to squeeze the pain away with counterpressure. “Something’s … happening!” I said. “Keep going!”

  Alynon screamed in my head, *Something’s wrong! I feel like I’m being torn apart! I—Ahhh!*

  The pain became unbearable, like someone was beating my head with a screaming baby made of blinding sunlight and steel. I felt myself fading.

  My hand fell from the crystal ball. I closed my eyes, and threw up my barriers of will and spirit.

  The world lurched, and the arcane energies surrounding me jumped.

  There came a terrible, terrified scream. I opened my eyes to find Brianne, Mort’s spirit lover, being drawn toward the portal backward, her hands scrabbling at the air as if trying to find some purchase in our world to keep her from sliding back into that pool of energy.

  “Pete! Verna!” I shouted.

  But it was too late. Brianne disappeared into the portal just as Verna slammed it off, and Pete stopped his incantation.

  In the moment of sudden, complete quiet that followed, my mind raced to understand what had just happened.

  Alynon? I asked.

  *Still here,* he replied quietly, his tone a mixture of relief and disappointment.

  When the summoning and banishment had lost its hold on Alynon, it must have jumped to the next nearest spirit not attached to a body. Which meant Mort had summoned Brianne, despite everything. And she had been pulled into the portal.

  “Verna, is she—was she transported to the Other Realm?” I asked.

  Verna, her wide eyes appearing owl-like behind her glasses, shook her head. “I don’t know. They were expecting Alynon, but—” She looked at the portal.

  Somewhere in the Other Realm, an insane succubus had just popped up in a Fey body. Or her spiri
t had been destroyed, disintegrating on the barrier between worlds. Only the Fey knew which.

  A distant cry could be heard, a heart-wrenching howling. It took me a second to recognize it as human.

  “Mort. Oh gods.” I struggled to my feet, and almost fell back down. Wooziness from the botched exorcism and backlash of energies spun through my head.

  Pete ran up the basement stairs. I led Verna after him as quickly as I could manage.

  When I reached Mort’s bedroom, Pete and Vee stood on either side of Mort’s bed, trying to hold him down. Mort writhed, his limbs tangled in black sheets, his face pale and sweaty and his eyes wild as he bucked against Pete and Vee’s hold. “Let me go! Let me go! I have to find her! Something’s wrong!”

  “Finn?” Pete called as I entered the room.

  “Mort!” I said. “Mort, listen! You need to calm down.”

  “Where’s Brianne?” he demanded.

  Mattie rushed into the room and pushed a perfume spritzer into my hands. “Here!”

  Calming spray. We used it to help calm grieving customers we thought might go wild in their pain. I went over and spritzed some onto Mort’s pillow beside his head. Okay, I spritzed a lot onto his pillow.

  “Mort, calm down!” I shouted. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

  Mort’s struggles slowed, until he lay panting on the bed.

  “Better,” I said.

  “Where’s Brianne?” he asked. “I can’t sense her.”

  I exchanged looks with Pete, and said, “We—I sent her away so you could get some rest.”

  Mort tried to look at me, but appeared unable to focus. “Sent her where?”

  “Away,” I said. “We’ll talk about it more when you’re better.” From the looks of him, Mort was lucky that the accident happened. Luckier than Brianne.

  His eyes drooped as he struggled against passing out. “If I find out you hurt her,” he said, his words slurred, “I’ll never forgive you.”

  I sighed, and muttered, “Get in line.”

  I glanced at the clock on Mort’s bedside. I had maybe a few hours at most before I had to head out to the Elwha steading.

  I turned, and saw the anguished look on Mattie’s face. “Oh, Mat-cat, everything’s going to be okay,” I said, and pulled her into a hug. “We’ll take care of your dad.”