Remember Me?

by Sophie Kinsella

  Still smiling, I slide the photo back into the pocket and snap the briefcase shut. I pick it up and regard myself in the mirror. Boss Lady Goes to Work.

  “Hi,” I say to my reflection, trying to adopt a businesslike tone. “Hi, there. Lexi Smart, Director of Flooring. Yup, hi. I’m the boss.”

  Oh God. I don’t feel like a boss. Maybe I’ll snap back into it when I get there.

  ***

  Deller Carpets is the company everyone remembers from the TV ads back in the eighties. The first one showed a woman lying on some blue swirling patterned carpet in a shop, pretending it was so soft and luxurious she immediately had to have sex on it with the nerdy sales assistant. Then there was the follow-up ad where she married the nerdy assistant and had the whole aisle carpeted in flowery Deller carpet. And then they had twins, who couldn’t sleep unless they had blue and pink Deller carpet in their cribs.

  They were pretty tacky ads, but they did make Deller Carpets a household name. Which is part of its trouble. The company tried to change its name a few years ago, to just Deller. There was a new logo and mission statement and everything. But nobody took any notice of that. You say you work at Deller and people frown and then they say, “You mean Deller Carpets?”

  It’s even more ironic because carpet is only a fraction of the company these days. About ten years ago the maintenance department started producing a carpet cleaner that was sold by mail order and became incredibly popular. They expanded into all sorts of cleaning products and gadgets, and now the mail-order business is huge. So are soft furnishings and fabrics. But poor old carpets have fallen by the wayside. Trouble is, they’re not cool these days. It’s all slate and laminate wood flooring. We do sell laminate flooring-but hardly anyone realizes we do, because they think we’re still called Deller Carpets. It’s like one big vicious circle that all leads back to shag.

  I know carpets aren’t cool. And I know patterned carpets are even less cool. But secretly, I really love them. Especially all the old retro designs from the seventies. I’ve got an old pattern book on my desk, which I always flick through when I’m in the middle of a long, tedious phone conversation. And once I found a whole box of old samples at the warehouse. No one wanted them, so I took them back to the office and pinned them up on the wall next to my desk.

  That’s to say, my old desk. I guess I’ve been upgraded now. As I head toward the familiar building on Victoria Palace Road, I feel a fizz of anticipation in my stomach. It’s the same as it ever was: a tall, pale gray block with granite pillars at the entrance. I push open the glass doors to reception-and stop in surprise. The foyer is different. It looks really cool! They’ve moved the desk, and there are glass partitions where there used to be a wall…and the flooring is blue metallic-effect vinyl. There must be a new range out.

  “Lexi!” A plump woman in a pink shirt and tapered black trousers is bustling toward me. She has highlights and fuchsia lipstick and pumps and she’s called…I know her…head of human resources…

  “Dana.” I gasp the name in relief. “Hi.”

  “Lexi.” She holds out a hand to shake mine. “Welcome back! You poor thing! We were all so upset to hear what happened…”

  “I’m fine, thanks. A lot better.” I follow her over the shiny vinyl floor, take a security pass from her, and swipe my way through the security entrance. This is all new too. We didn’t use to have barriers, just a guard called Reg.

  “Good! Well, come this way…” Dana’s ushering me along. “I thought we could have a short chat in my office, pop in on the budget meeting, and then you’ll want to see your department!”

  “Great! Good idea.”

  My department. I used to just have a desk and a stapler.

  We travel up in the lift and get out at the second floor, and Dana ushers me into her office.

  “Take a seat.” She pulls out a plushy chair and sits down at her desk. “So now, obviously, we need to talk about your…condition.” She lowers her voice discreetly as though I have some embarrassing ailment. “You have amnesia.”

  “That’s right. Apart from that, I’m pretty much okay.”

  “Good!” She scribbles something on her pad of paper. “And is this amnesia permanent or temporary?”

  “Well…the doctors said I might start remembering things at any time.”

  “Marvelous!” Her face brightens. “Obviously, from our point of view it would be great if you could remember everything by the twenty-first. That’s when our sales conference is,” she adds, giving me an expectant look.

  “Right,” I say after a pause. “I’ll do my best.”

  “You can’t do better than that!” She trills with laughter and pushes back her chair. “Now, let’s go and say hello to Simon and the others. You remember Simon Johnson, the MD?”

  “Of course!”

  How could I not remember the boss of the whole company? I remember him giving a speech at the Christmas party. I remember him appearing in our office and asking our names while Gavin, our department head then, followed him around like a lackey. And now I go to meetings with him!

  Trying to conceal my nerves, I follow Dana down the corridor and up in the lift again to the eighth floor. She leads me briskly to the boardroom, knocks on the heavy door, and pushes it open.

  “Sorry to interrupt! Only Lexi’s popped in for a visit.”

  “Lexi! Our superstar!” Simon Johnson stands up from his seat at the head of the table. He has a tall, broad-shouldered, ex-army-officer frame and thinning brown hair. He comes over, clasps my hand as if we’re old friends, and kisses my cheek. “How are you feeling, my dear?”

  Simon Johnson just kissed me. The MD of the whole company kissed me.

  “Er…fine, thanks!” I try to keep my composure. “Much better.”

  I glance around the room, taking in a whole bunch of other high-powered company people in suits. Byron, who used to be my direct boss, is sitting on the other side of the conference table. He’s pale and lanky with dark hair, and wearing one of his trademark retro-print ties. He gives me a pinched smile and I grin back, relieved to recognize someone else.

  “You had quite a knock to the head, we understand,” Simon Johnson is saying in his mellifluous public-school voice.

  “That’s right.”

  “Well, hurry back!” he exclaims with mock urgency. “Byron here is standing in for you very well.” He gestures at Byron. “But whether you can trust him to safeguard your department’s budget…”

  “I don’t know.” I raise my eyebrows. “Should I be worried?”

  There’s an appreciative laugh around the table, and I notice Byron shooting me daggers.

  Honestly. I was only making a joke.

  “Seriously, though, Lexi. I need to talk to you about our recent…discussions.” Simon Johnson gives me a meaningful nod. “We’ll have lunch when you get back properly.”

  “Absolutely.” I match his confidential tone, even though I have no idea what he’s talking about.

  “Simon.” Dana steps forward, lowering her voice a smidgen. “The doctors don’t know whether Lexi’s amnesia is permanent or temporary. So she may have some problems with memory…”

  “Probably an advantage, in this business,” says a balding man opposite, and there’s another chuckle around the table.

  “Lexi, I have every confidence in you,” Simon Johnson says firmly. He turns to a red-haired guy sitting nearby. “Daniel, you two haven’t met yet, have you? Daniel is our new finance controller. Daniel, you might have seen Lexi on television?”

  “That’s right!” I can see recognition dawning on the guy’s face as we shake hands. “So you’re the whiz kid I’ve heard about.”

  Whiz kid?

  “Er…I don’t think so,” I say uncertainly, and there’s a laugh.

  “Don’t be modest!” Simon gives me a warm smile, then turns to Daniel. “This young woman has had the most meteoric rise through this company. From associate junior sales manager to director of her department withi
n eighteen months. As I’ve said many times to Lexi herself, it was a gamble, giving her the job-but I’ve never regretted taking that risk for a moment. She’s a natural leader. She’s inspirational. She puts in twenty-four hours a day; she has some exciting strategic visions for the future… This is a very, very talented member of the company.”

  As he finishes, Simon is beaming at me; so are the balding guy and a couple of the others.

  I’m in a state of total shock. My face is puce; my legs are wobbling. No one’s ever spoken about me like that. Ever, my whole life.

  “Well…thanks!” I stutter at last.

  “Lexi.” Simon gestures at an empty chair. “Can we tempt you to stay for the budget meeting?”

  “Er…” I glance at Dana for help.

  “She’s not staying long today, Simon,” says Dana. “We’re popping down to Flooring now.”

  “Of course.” He nods. “Well, you’re missing a treat. Everyone loves a budget meeting.” His eyes crinkle with humor.

  “Don’t you realize I did this to avoid the budget meeting?” I gesture at the last remaining graze on my head and there’s another huge laugh around the room.

  “See you soon, Lexi,” Simon says. “Look after yourself.”

  As Dana and I leave the boardroom I’m light-headed with exhilaration. I can’t quite believe all that just happened. I bantered with Simon Johnson. I’m a whiz kid! I have strategic visions of the future!

  I just hope I wrote them down somewhere.

  “So, you remember where the Flooring department is?” Dana says as we descend again in the lift. “I know everyone’s eager to see you.”

  “Me too!” I say with growing confidence. We head out of the lift and Dana’s phone gives a little chirrup. “Oh dear!” she says as she glances at it. “I should take this. Do you want to pop along to your office and I’ll see you in there?”

  “Absolutely!” I stride down the corridor. It looks just the same as it ever did, with the same brown carpet and fire notices and plastic plants. The Flooring department is just along, to the left. And to the right is Gavin’s office.

  I mean my office.

  My own private office.

  I stand outside the door for a moment, psyching myself to go in. I still can’t quite believe it’s my office. My job.

  Come on. There’s nothing to be scared of. I can do this job, Simon Johnson said so. As I reach for the door handle, I see a girl of about twenty darting out of the main office. Her hands go to her mouth.

  “Oh!” she says. “Lexi! You’re back!”

  “Yes.” I peer uncertainly at her. “You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve had this accident; my memory’s gone…”

  “Yeah, they said.” She looks nervous. “I’m Clare. Your assistant?”

  “Oh hi! Nice to meet you! So I’m in here?” I jerk my head toward Gavin’s door.

  “That’s right. Can I bring you a cup of coffee?”

  “Yes, please!” I try to hide my delight. “That would be great.”

  I have an assistant who brings me cups of coffee. I have really, really made it. I step into the office and let the door close behind me with a satisfying clunk.

  Wow. I’d forgotten how big this room was. It has a sweeping desk and a plant and a sofa…and everything. I put my briefcase down on the desk and walk over to the window. I even have a view! Of another tall building, admittedly-but still, it’s mine! I’m the boss! I can’t help laughing in euphoria as I swing around and jump onto the sofa. I bounce up and down a few times, then stop abruptly as there’s a knocking on the door.

  Shit. If someone walked in right now and saw me…Catching my breath, I hurry over to the desk, pick up a random piece of paper, and start perusing it with a businesslike frown.

  “Come in!”

  “Lexi!” Dana bustles in. “Are you making yourself at home again? Clare told me you didn’t even recognize her! This is going to be tricky for you, isn’t it? I hadn’t quite appreciated…” She shakes her head, her brow creased. “So you don’t remember anything?”

  “Well…no,” I admit. “But I’m sure it’ll all come back to me, sooner or later.”

  “Let’s hope you’re right!” She still looks anxious. “Now, let’s go through to the department, reacquaint yourself with everybody…”

  We head out-and I suddenly see Fi coming out of the Flooring office, in a short black skirt with boots and a green sleeveless top. She looks different from the way I remember her, with a new red streak in her hair and a thinner face, somehow. But it’s her. She’s even wearing the same set of tortoiseshell bangles she always used to.

  “Fi!” I exclaim in excitement, almost dropping my bag. “Oh my God! It’s me, Lexi! Hi! I’m back!”

  Fi visibly starts. She turns, and for a few seconds she just gapes at me as if I’m a lunatic. I suppose I did sound a bit overexcited. But I’m just so thrilled to see her.

  “Hi, Lexi,” she says at last, eyeing my face. “How’re you doing?”

  “I’m fine!” I say, my words tumbling out eagerly. “How are you? You look great! I love your new hair!”

  Everyone’s staring at me now.

  “Anyway”-I force myself to sound more composed-“maybe we can catch up properly later? With the others?”

  “Uh-yeah.” Fi nods without looking me in the eye.

  Why is she being so off? What’s wrong? Coldness clenches me around the chest. Maybe that’s why she never replied to any of my messages. We’ve had some huge row. And the others took her side. And I just don’t remember…

  “After you, Lexi!” Dana ushers me into the main, open-plan office. Fifteen faces look up at us and I try not to gasp.

  This is so weird.

  I can see Carolyn, and Debs, and Melanie, and several others I know. They all look familiar…but three years on. Their hair and makeup and clothes all look different. Debs has super-toned arms and is tanned as though she’s just got back from some exotic holiday; Carolyn’s wearing new rimless glasses and her hair’s cropped even shorter than before…

  There’s my desk. A girl with bleached hair in braids is sitting at it, looking totally at home.

  “You all know that Lexi has been ill following her accident,” Dana is announcing to the room. “We’re delighted that she’s back with us today for a visit. She’s suffered a few side effects from her injuries, in particular amnesia. But I’m sure you’ll all help her to remember her way around and give her a big welcome back.” She turns to me and murmurs, “Lexi, do you want to say a few motivational words to the department?”

  “Motivational words?” I echo uncertainly.

  “Just something inspiring.” Dana beams. “Rally the troops.” Her phone chirrups again. “I’m sorry. Excuse me!” She hurries out to the corridor and I’m left alone, facing my department.

  Come on. Simon Johnson says I’m a natural leader. I can do this.

  “Um…hi, everyone!” I give a small wave around the office, which no one returns. “I just wanted to say that I’ll be back soon, and…um…keep up the good work…” I flounder for something motivational. “Who’s the best department in the company? We are! Who rocks? Flooring!” I give the air a little punch, like a cheerleader. “F! L! O! R!”

  “There should be another O,” interrupts a girl I don’t recognize. She’s standing with her arms folded, looking totally unimpressed.

  “Sorry?” I stop, breathless.

  “There’s a double O in flooring.” She rolls her eyes. Two girls next to her are giggling into their hands, while Carolyn and Debs are just gaping at me.

  “Right,” I say, flustered. “Anyway…well done, everybody…you’ve all done a great job…”

  “So are you back now, Lexi?” demands a girl in red.

  “Not exactly-”

  “Only I need my expenses form signed, urgently.”

  “Me too!” say about six people.

  “Have you spoken to Simon about our targets?” Melanie is coming forward, frowning. “Only they
’re totally unworkable as they are…”

  “What’s happening about the new computers?”

  “Did you read my e-mail?”

  “Have we sorted the Thorne Group order?”

  Suddenly everyone in the room seems to be swarming toward me, asking questions. I can hardly follow any of them, let alone know what they mean.

  “I don’t know!” I’m saying desperately. “I’m sorry, I can’t remember…I’ll see you later!”

  Breathing hard, I back out across the corridor and into my own office and slam the door.

  Shit. What was all that about?

  There’s a knock at the door. “Hello?” I call out, my voice sounding strangled.

  “Hi!” says Clare, coming in under a vast pile of letters and documents. “Sorry to bother you, Lexi, but while you’re here, could you just have a quick run-through of these? You need to get back to Tony Dukes from Biltons and authorize the payment to Sixpack and sign these waivers, and some guy called Jeremy Northpool has rung several times, says he hopes you can resume discussions…”

  She’s holding out a pen. She’s expecting me to spring into action.

  “I can’t authorize anything,” I say in panic. “I can’t sign anything. I’ve never heard of Tony Dukes. I don’t remember any of this stuff!”

  “Oh.” Clare’s pile of papers drops slightly as she surveys me, wide-eyed. “Well…who’s going to run the department? Byron?”

  “No! I mean…me. It’s my job. I’ll do it. I just need a bit of time…Look, leave all that with me.” I try to pull myself together. “I’ll have a read-through. Maybe it’ll come back to me.”

  “Okay,” Clare says, clearly relieved. She dumps the pile of papers on the desk. “I’ll just bring your coffee through.”

  My head spinning, I sit down at the desk and pick up the first letter. It’s all about some ongoing complaint. “As you will be aware…expect your immediate response…”