Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  “Lala!” Logan echoed with a huge grin. “Lala!”

  Adam groaned, and Zoe laughed.

  Adam left shortly afterwards, but he seemed to be in a decent mood as he did so. She was pleased with her attempts to draw him out—especially after he’d been so good to her.

  As she nursed Logan before bedtime, she decided she was all right with her connection to Adam. She didn’t like to be anyone’s duty, but she couldn’t help but respect and appreciate Adam for trying to fulfill Josh’s trust.

  She was actually beginning to like him—something she hadn’t felt in five years.

  Five

  Zoe laid her paperback down on the seat beside her, deciding the bench was dry enough to not get the pages wet. She adjusted her sunglasses and stared out at the gently rippling water of the lake.

  All she could see was sky and water. It was a beautiful day—the first day of the year that it had really felt like spring. The sun was warm, although the breeze was still brisk, and the air felt refreshing and almost light, like the heaviness of the winter was finally lifting.

  Zoe stretched out on her bench seat, straightening the cushion behind her head. She felt comfortable, relaxed, and incredibly lazy. And she wasn’t planning to move for a long time.

  They’d sailed out earlier and dropped anchor in the middle of Lake Pace, the largest sailing lake in the state. The lake was less than an hour from the city, and it was too early in the season to be crowded with other boats.

  Zoe had never been sailing before, and now she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why not. It was so quiet, sunny, and peaceful that she felt like she might be alone in the world.

  She’d left Logan with her mother, who was visiting for the week and insisted that Zoe take the day to relax. Although she felt a little guilty for the thought, it was kind of nice to have a short break from her son.

  She glanced over then to Adam, who lounged on the other bench seat, reading a book. He wore a white camp shirt, gray trousers, and boat shoes, and he looked relaxed and affluent—like he was ready to go yachting at a club.

  Over the last few months, he seemed to have shed some of his layers, allowing more of his real self to come out. He still wasn’t the guy she’d known at the café—she doubted he would ever be that guy again—but he was closer, and it made her happy.

  Feeling how warm the sun was on her arms, Zoe was a little worried that he hadn’t worn a hat.

  “What is it?” Adam asked without looking over. He wore sunglasses too, but his attention hadn’t seemed to stray from his book. He must have sensed her watching him.

  “You should have worn a hat.”

  Adam lowered his sunglasses and gave her a silent, quizzical look over the top of them.

  “It looks like your face might be burning.”

  “Do you have any idea how often I’ve come out here to sail? You think I can’t take care of myself?”

  Zoe chuckled at his lofty expression. “Well, you’re obviously not taking care of yourself very well,” she replied with a teasing note in her voice. When he didn’t reply with anything except a wry smile, she added, “And I can’t believe you’ve come sailing all these years and never told anyone about it. Talk about being a closed-mouthed bastard.”

  “I don’t come out in the winter. There would have been no reason to bring the subject up with you.”

  “Still,” she insisted with an impressive scowl, if not with any credible objections.

  It had been almost four months now since Josh had died, and she never would have imagined that she and Adam could have become friends. But they had. She figured she knew him now better than most people, and it seemed so strange that she hadn’t known that he loved to go out on his ridiculously expensive sailboat on Sundays until just a few days ago, when he’d invited her to sail out with him.

  “What are you reading?” Zoe asked, seeing he’d gone back to his book. When she first settled down with her own book, Adam had been messing around with the lines and sails and such. She assumed he’d been reading for a while now, but she’d been barely conscious of him before.

  She was comfortable with Adam. She wasn’t always aware of his presence, didn’t have to notice everything he did. Being with him was sometimes like being by herself. Only not so lonely.

  And she figured he felt the same way about her.

  She wasn’t sure how she would have gotten through the last few months without him.

  When he didn’t reply, she asked again, “Adam, what are you reading?”

  “History.”

  It wasn’t like she had a burning desire to know what dull book had him enthralled, but his response was so noncommittal that it piqued her interest. “What kind of history?”

  Adam looked vaguely annoyed, even behind his sunglasses. “Greek history. Why does it matter?”

  “It doesn’t. I was just wondering. And I don’t know why you’re so unwilling to tell me. What part of Greek history does the book cover?”

  She saw rather than heard his impatient release of breath. “The Persian Wars.”

  Her questioning had just been idle before, but now her curiosity was fully sparked by his obvious reluctance to share. “Who wrote it?”

  Adam was definitely annoyed now. She could see it in the lines of his brow and the set of his chin. He kept staring down at his book, but she was sure he wasn’t reading anymore.

  “Adam?” she prompted.

  “Herodotus. If I’d known you were going to pester me the whole time, I wouldn’t have invited you out.”

  Zoe ignored his snide comment and swung her legs around to sit up on the bench. She examined Adam carefully. He wasn’t usually bad-tempered. When he was stressed or bothered by something, he would get quiet and withdrawn. She always respected his privacy and his need to be alone, but that wasn’t what was going on here.

  He just didn’t want her to know what he was reading.

  Which meant, of course, that she absolutely had to know what it was.

  “Can I see it?” she asked, giving him a bright smile.

  He turned his head and gave her a decidedly suspicious look. “Excuse me?”

  “I wanted to see your book.”

  “You wouldn’t like it. Too dry and boring for you.”

  “I’m not saying I want to read it. I just want to see it.”

  He shook his head with what she was sure was an eye-roll behind his sunglasses, and he kept reading his book.

  Zoe got up, took a couple of steps over to his bench, and reached out for the book.

  Adam jerked it away.

  “Hey!” she objected, “Why are you being so grumpy? I just want to see your book.”

  Adam held it away from her, out of her reach. “Zoe, don’t be silly.”

  His cold tone didn’t intimidate or quell her. She leaned over him, stretching her arm out toward the book he was holding away from her.

  They ended up having a brief scuffle. Zoe was giggling as she nearly sat on top of him in order to get to the book, and Adam was doing his best to resist without actually dumping her onto the deck.

  When she accidentally elbowed him in the chest, he huffed in reaction and bent his elbow enough for her to grab the book.

  She sat on the three inches of bench Adam wasn’t taking up and gloated over her prize.

  Adam had lost his sunglasses in the scuffle, and his eyes were amused, despite the frown he gave her. “I would have thought you were too old for such games.”

  “Don’t be snotty,” she told him, blithely unconcerned by his frown and his patronizing comment. She knew he didn’t mean it. “You’re ages older than me, and you’re obviously not too old to stubbornly refuse to let me see your silly book.”

  “I’m not that much older than you,” Adam muttered.

  “What do you mean? You must be close to forty!” She pitched her voice intentionally to sound shocked by such an advanced age, even though she knew he was just over thirty.

  She had a good giggle ove
r his expression, but then she was distracted by opening the book.

  She stared down at the pages, astonished and confused. She flipped a few more, but they all looked the same.

  They were all completely unreadable.

  Zoe made a choking sound as she finally realized why Adam hadn’t wanted her to read his book. “This is in Greek!” she exclaimed. “The whole damned book is written in ancient Greek!”

  Adam tightened his lips and gave her a cool stare. “Your point being?”

  As it sunk in, Zoe started to laugh helplessly, nearly bent over with hilarity. “I can’t believe you’re such a nerd! You go out on the lake to enjoy a lazy Sunday, and you bring a book written in ancient Greek to read!”

  With a narrowed-eyed glare, he said, “The ability to read a few languages and appreciate the classics does not automatically imply that one is—”

  “A nerd!” Still cackling, Zoe gave him back Herodotus and returned to her bench. “Don’t be grumpy. I’m very impressed with your particular brand of nerdiness.”

  “It is difficult to assess how sincerely you’re impressed through all the mockery,” Adam said coolly.

  “I’m not mocking. Just teasing. And you brought it on yourself for not admitting what you were reading to begin with.”

  Adam curled up his mouth in a faint scowl and put his sunglasses on again. When he didn’t respond and started reading again, Zoe peered at him, trying to check his expression to make sure he wasn’t really offended by her teasing.

  She was having trouble reading his face until he turned toward her again, twitching his eyebrows above his sunglasses.

  She smiled in relief at this sign of his good-humor. “I like nerds,” she told him.

  His mouth tightened, as if he were hiding a smile, but he just said in a chilly voice, “I do not acquiesce to that label. And I would think, given the nature of your reading material, mocking mine wouldn’t be high on your priority list.”

  “What’s wrong with my reading material?” Zoe asked, picking up the paperback she’d been zipping through.

  “Nothing’s wrong with it, except the only question of human existence it bothers to ask is which vampire the heroine will decide to jump into bed with next.”

  “Hey, that’s not fair.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “Sometimes she jumps into bed with a werewolf!”

  Adam tilted his head back and laughed.

  * * *

  They started back late in the afternoon, taking advantage of the stronger winds.

  It had been a lovely day. Zoe had read, napped, stared out at the water, and generally had a wonderful time. She was sorry the day was over—even though she was becoming more eager to get back to Logan and make sure he was all right.

  After four months, she no longer hurt every moment with the reality that Josh was gone. She still missed him more than she could have dreamed possible, but she thought she was starting to heal.

  Right now, Adam was at the helm. He was adjusting the sails with the same dedicated focus he applied to everything, but she was pretty sure he was having a really good time steering his sailboat through the lake.

  Josh had never sailed in his life. Even if he’d tried it, Zoe was convinced he wouldn’t have liked it. It was too subtle, not visceral enough. Josh would probably have thought it was too elite a recreational activity, too Peterson-like for him. He’d been in great shape, and he’d enjoyed playing basketball and football. But he wouldn’t have wanted to sail.

  And he would have stared at her like she was insane if she’d suggested he might read ancient Greek.

  “Do you think,” Zoe began, asking what was on her mind without thinking it through or leading up to it, “if you were raised the same way that Josh was, you’d have been more like him?”

  Adam’s eyes shot over to her face. After a long pause, he replied, “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “I was just thinking about how different you two are, and I was just wondering.” She felt silly now for speaking the thought aloud.

  “Some of the differences between us were probably upbringing,” Adam said slowly, his eyes fixed on the horizon now. “But some of them were because of our natures. We were always different people.”

  “I know that. I was just…”

  “Missing him?” Adam prompted, still not looking at her. He seemed a little stiff, she noticed for the first time.

  “I guess.” That wasn’t exactly what she’d been feeling, but she couldn’t think of any way to explain the difference.

  Neither of them spoke for a long time. Zoe watched Adam at the helm and was worried by what she saw in the lines of his face and the tension of his body.

  Something was bothering him.

  After rehearsing their most recent conversation, Zoe figured out what it might be. “Hey,” she said, straightening up, “I didn’t mean you should be more like Josh. I wasn’t saying I wanted you to be different than you are.”

  Adam looked at her from behind his sunglasses in silence for a long moment. Then his mouth softened into an oddly poignant smile. “Josh is the one you loved. It isn’t surprising that you’d measure other men against his standards.”

  “Yeah. Of course, I loved him. But I like you for you. Not because you’re like or not like Josh. You know that, right?”

  Something released in his demeanor—it wasn’t anything she could put her finger on, but she was sure she’d said the right thing. All he did was arch one eyebrow. “That’s infinitely comforting.”

  Zoe laughed softly at the irony in his tone, knowing he used it for the same reason she did—to relieve emotional tension. Then she reached over and picked up the fleece jacket she’d taken off earlier. It was cooler now that they were sailing again.

  She caught Adam looking at her as she zipped the jacket up, and she smiled at him. “Thanks for taking me with you today.”

  Adam smiled back at her—still quiet, still layered, still unknowable in so many ways. “You’re welcome.”

  They didn’t say much on their way back to shore, but Zoe still felt relaxed and content. It was nice to just sit. To not have to think too much, or decide what she needed to do with her life, or figure out what was best for her and Logan and their future.

  The breeze blew against her face and through her hair, and the sun was getting lower in the sky. She gazed around her, admiring the scenery, and her eyes landed again on Adam.

  He was concentrating on steering again, and he looked oddly at home at the helm. She was used to seeing him in business suits and ties. Even when he came over for dinner, as he did fairly often, he would still be in work clothes, since he always came right from the office. So it was strange seeing him in such an entirely new context.

  The wind blew his white shirt against his chest and arms. He was about the same height as Josh had been with the same general build. Adam obviously didn’t lift weights as much as Josh had, but he had excellent shoulders and lean, graceful muscle tone in his arms, chest, and legs. His face was striking, and the lines of his body were strong and efficient. There was something in his stance she recognized as leashed power.

  She’d always thought the leashed power was purely the force of his intellect. But it was more than that. She sensed it now. It was physical as well.

  Zoe was deeply aware of it, watching Adam at the helm of the boat with the sun burnishing his hair and skin into gold. He was a man. A powerful man. An attractive, compelling man.

  Something in her gut clenched as she watched him, something instinctive in her responding to the physicality she sensed in Adam.

  She swallowed and glanced away from him, feeling like she’d been caught doing something wrong. She wasn’t used to thinking of Adam as an attractive man—certainly not feeling that visceral pull toward him.

  Shaking her head hard, she let the breeze blow the remnants of that odd feeling away. When she felt normal again, she turned back to look at him.

  He was watching her with a slightly quizzical
smile. “All right?”

  “Yeah,” she told him with a casual smile, doing her best not to look self-conscious. He would probably be shocked and troubled if he knew what she’d just been thinking. “It’s been a really nice day. I’m almost sorry it’s over.”

  “You can come out with me again. Whenever you want.”

  Adam had melted into her life for the last three months. Their shared grief had done a lot to ease the worst of the pain from Josh’s death. He was a friend. Almost like family. She felt close to him in a lot of ways, but she’d never thought of him as a complete person.

  And, staring out at the quiet lake, its placid surface hiding its depth, she realized their friendship couldn’t continue as it was forever.

  What had been necessary for the first few months might not be for the best—for either one of them—for very much longer.

  * * *

  Zoe woke up early the next morning when Logan started to cry. He was just hungry, so she nursed him and then put him back to bed.

  Then she got back into bed too.

  She usually used this time to exercise and shower, but she didn’t feel much like it this morning. In fact, she felt lazy and a little depressed.

  That moment the day before when she felt that weird pull of attraction to Adam had rattled her more than she would have expected.

  Adam was an attractive man, and she was a normal woman—so she knew it wasn’t unnatural or entirely out of the blue to have the thought pass through her mind.

  But she couldn’t think about Adam that way. It was just wrong in so many ways. It made her feel sick and guilty, and it ruined everything safe and comfortable she’d had in her friendship with him.

  When her phone rang, she picked it up and looked at the name.

  Adam.

  For a moment, she let it ring, not feeling up to talking to him right now.

  But then she felt guilty. Adam had been nothing but kind to her, and he didn’t deserve for her to ignore him, no matter how weird she felt.

  So she picked up and said, “Hey.”

  “Good morning. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”