Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  She couldn’t help but smile back, drawn irresistibly to the warm, groggy man who smiled at her that way.

  Then Adam shifted, discovered Logan sleeping on his chest, must have realized exactly where he was and what he was doing. His expression changed. And the softness of sleep left his eyes, leaving what looked like self-consciousness.

  It was a remarkable transformation, and Zoe was a little disoriented by it. But she knew Adam would feel awkward about having fallen asleep, so she gave him a bright smile and whispered, “Here—I’ll put him to bed.”

  She reached out to pick up Logan, gently carrying him to his crib in the bedroom and taking longer than necessary to settle him there, so Adam could pull himself together.

  After she’d taken care of Logan, she padded back out into the living room in her bare feet. Adam was standing up, leaning over to pick up the last of the toys on the floor.

  “Hey,” she said softly, “Looks like he didn’t behave very well.”

  “He was fine,” Adam replied, straightening up. His expression was his characteristic one now—composure, control, a hint of irony.

  Zoe gave him a dubious look.

  “All right, he wasn’t terribly happy with my company, but we did all right.”

  “Did he get upset because I left?”

  “Yeah. I think that was it. He started crying then and didn’t want to eat. Then he didn’t want to play very much either.”

  Zoe could interpret the reality behind Adam’s mild words. Logan must have thrown a huge fit because his mother left, rebelling against his dinner and refusing to be assuaged by any form of fun or comfort. Poor Adam must have tried everything and nothing had worked.

  “Occasionally he gets in that mood. There wouldn’t have been anything you could do.” She smiled wistfully. “I’m sorry he was so bad. You probably never want to stay with him again.”

  “It was fine. Sorry about the mess. I was going to clean up after Logan fell asleep, but then he was on top of me and I was afraid of waking him up again.”

  “The mess was Logan’s fault. Not yours. You didn’t have to clean up. Thanks so much for staying with him.”

  “Did you have a good time?” Adam asked, obviously ready to move on to another topic.

  “Yeah. We did. Thanks.”

  When she looked at him again, she caught his eyes scanning her body, lingering on her bare feet. Something in his expression made her feel ridiculously self-conscious again. She shifted from foot to foot and tried to think of something to say.

  Then Adam’s eyes landed on her beautiful heels, left by themselves in the middle of the floor where she’d taken them off. He shook his head. “Those are ludicrous shoes, you know.”

  Zoe gasped, completely forgetting her self-consciousness in her outrage. “They are not!”

  “If I were wearing them, I’d make every effort to go barefoot too. It’s a wonder you don’t sprain your ankle.”

  Zoe huffed as she retrieved her beautiful shoes. “I will assume your insult to my shoes is a response to Logan giving you a hard time this evening, so I’ll try not to hold it against you.”

  “Logan didn’t give me a hard time,” Adam insisted, in what would have been a very convincing lie if she hadn’t seen evidence to the contrary. “We did fine.”

  For some reason, Zoe was deeply touched by his stubborn refusal to admit what she knew to be true. So, without thinking, Zoe reached over and pulled him into a soft hug. “Thanks, Adam,” she murmured, her mouth close to his ear, “you’re a really good uncle.”

  Adam hugged her back, his arms strong, his body lean and hard. He smelled delicious—warm and masculine. He didn’t say anything in response, but he didn’t really need to.

  He left shortly afterwards, and Zoe got ready for bed. And she went to sleep thinking that it was really nice that Logan could have Adam for an uncle since he’d never know his father.

  She hoped, even after Logan's bad behavior, Adam would want to babysit again.

  ***

  Zoe tried to drown out the sound of Logan playing with the ludicrously expensive 20-piece set of toddler musical instruments that Adam had bought the boy for his first birthday. At the moment, Logan was hitting the drum and blowing on the trumpet simultaneously while Zoe was trying to get dressed.

  The resulting clamor delighted Logan as much as it drove Zoe crazy. It would serve Adam right if Logan made this sort of racket with the instruments the entire time he was babysitting this evening.

  Adam hadn’t stayed with Logan since that first time two months ago, when Logan had thrown the temper-fit. Zoe had evening plans only once since then, and Adam had been out of the country on business that weekend.

  So Zoe was praying that Logan would behave himself this time. He was two months older now, and he seemed to adore his uncle. And Zoe really didn’t want Adam to have to suffer through another miserable evening of Logan’s tantrums.

  As soon as Zoe pulled on the sleeveless, wine-colored top, she started to pull it off again. The low v-neck and slinky fabric was very flattering, highlighting her figure and her fair skin. But it was much sexier than anything she’d worn in a really long time.

  She wouldn’t have given it a second thought a couple of years ago, but now the overt sexiness made her feel uncomfortable.

  But Jane had told her to wear something appropriate for a night on the town, and the top did look really good when paired with the dark jeans Zoe wore and with the gorgeous heels she’d bought last week. Zoe smoothed down her hair, put on some lipstick, and was unexpectedly thrilled by how great she looked.

  It was a warm evening, but she put on a thin silk cardigan sweater so she wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about her revealing top. She buttoned the cardigan in a way that covered most of her cleavage, deciding she’d unbutton it later in the evening when it felt more appropriate.

  Satisfied that she was suitably dressed for an evening out with Jane and a few other friends to celebrate the fact that she’d gotten a job, Zoe crouched on the floor next to Logan and said cheerfully, “Do you want to play with Uncle Adam today?”

  Logan paused in his enthusiastic blowing of the trumpet and looked at her gravely. “Cla Lala.”

  “Yes. Uncle Lala. Do you want to play with him this evening?”

  “Cla Lala!” Logan exclaimed, this time with enthusiasm. He heaved himself up and ran out of the bedroom and toward the main door of the apartment.

  Zoe followed him, watching as he fell and picked himself up once on his way to the door. “He’s not here yet,” she told him.

  Logan stood at the door and looked back at her over his shoulder. “Lala.” His mouth wobbled a little, and Zoe hoped she hadn’t gotten him keyed up about Adam’s arrival too soon.

  “Soon,” she said with a smile, “He’ll be here soon. Are you hungry?” She put her fingers to her mouth to emphasize the word. “Hungry.”

  Logan, easily diverted by the promise of food, followed Zoe eagerly and rather clumsily into the kitchen. She was about to put him in his chair when the doorman called up to tell her that Adam had arrived.

  So they went back to let Adam in.

  “Hey,” she greeted him with a wide smile. “Thanks for coming over.”

  “No problem.” He gave her a quick once-over and then his eyes shifted down to Logan beside her. “Hi, Logan.”

  Thus prompted, Logan burst out into a long, babbling tirade that was earnest and loud and absolutely incomprehensible. It was punctuated by a few gestures toward the kitchen and several hits of his mouth with his little hand.

  When there was a pause in the monologue, Adam arched his eyebrows. “Is that right? It sounds like you’ve been sorely put upon this evening. I'm sorry to hear it.”

  Logan gasped out some more wordless syllables and started running toward the kitchen. He fell onto his hands and knees, hauled himself up, turned around and ran back to Adam, tugged at his pants, and then turned back around and ran toward the kitchen.

  “I believe
my presence is required in the kitchen,” Adam said at last, after having observed this performance with focused attention.

  “He’s not pleased that your arrival delayed his supper,” Zoe explained. “I was just starting to get things out for him.”

  Adam chuckled. “I would be displeased too.”

  They went back into the kitchen, and Zoe finished putting out Logan’s dinner while Adam swung him up into his chair in a way that made the boy squeal with excitement. Determined to do better this time, Zoe kept her instructions and explanations for Adam to a minimum, since he knew his way around the apartment and knew how to contact her if he needed her.

  “Do you know where you’re going?” Adam asked, as Logan began to eat with deep concentration the green beans Zoe had given him.

  “Jane is planning the evening. I’m just along for the ride.” She leaned down to pick up a green bean Logan had dropped and tossed it into the trash can. The move caused the remaining button on her cardigan to come undone and the silk sweater fell open. She hardly registered the fact until she turned back around toward Adam.

  She saw his black eyes widen as they took in her appearance, lingering on her generous cleavage. His whole body tensed palpably. “You’re wearing that?” he asked, his voice thicker than normal.

  Zoe’s spine stiffened. “What do you mean? Of course, I’m wearing this. What’s wrong with it?”

  “It might be appropriate for the bedroom,” he said, an inexplicable intensity smoldering in his gaze and disapproval in his expression, “but hardly for an appearance in public.”

  Zoe gasped indignantly at both his presumption and his censure and had to force herself not to rebutton her cardigan to hide her offending cleavage. “It's not that bad. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a perfectly normal outfit for an evening out.”

  Adam opened his mouth to make further objection, but then he cut himself off with a jerk of his head. He looked away, breathing rapidly, his face slightly flushed with his annoyance.

  Zoe was deeply upset by his reaction. She'd thought she looked really good. She’d been excited about feeling pretty and sexy again, and he was acting like she was a naughty preteen trying to dress up like a grown-up.

  Her voice was slightly hushed when she spoke again. Although Logan probably couldn’t understand anything they said, she still didn’t want him to hear. “I’m allowed to act and dress like a normal woman.”

  Adam swallowed so hard she saw it in his throat. He still wasn’t looking at her. “I know you are.”

  “Sometimes I feel like I’m…like I’m betraying him every time I try to start my life again, but I have to. I have to.”

  “I know you do.” His voice was still thick and hoarse, but it didn’t sound angry anymore. “I didn’t mean to imply you shouldn’t.”

  “It’s not like I’m going to pick up some guy at a club. I just want to look…look good.”

  “You do look good.”

  He wasn’t even looking at her, so she wasn’t sure whether she should believe him or not. But at least he wasn’t acting so disapproving anymore.

  She supposed it made sense. Seeing her move on with her life couldn’t be easy for Adam. Josh had been his family, and it would be hard for him to give up the idea that she belonged to Josh. But, if they were going to be friends, he would have to get over that.

  “Okay,” she said, a little awkwardly, still having to intentionally restrain herself from buttoning the cardigan again. “I’m going to take off. I’ll probably be back before midnight. Just call if you have any problems.”

  “I will. We’ll be fine.” He sounded almost natural again, but there was a lingering tension in his neck and shoulders, and he wasn’t looking at her directly.

  Zoe shrugged it off, deciding there was nothing she could do about Adam’s reaction right now. She leaned over to kiss Logan and told him to be good. Logan, finished with his green beans, demanded more to eat.

  “How about some…” Adam paused as he studied the cut-up meat in the bowl Zoe had prepared. Then concluded, “…chicken?”

  Logan reached out for his food, and Zoe decided it was a good time for her to leave. She squeezed Adam on the shoulder as another silent thank you, kissed Logan again, and slipped out.

  She met up with Jane and her other friends, and they went to a trendy fusion restaurant for dinner.

  Zoe had found a part-time assistant manager job at a downtown boutique. She loved the clothes, and the hours were good. It wasn’t a very high paying or impressive position. Zoe, however, didn’t need to earn an income. Josh had left her and Logan well provided for. What she needed was something in which to invest her time and energy. She loved retail work, and the idea of the job made her feel more like herself again.

  It was exciting. Felt like a new challenge. A fresh start.

  A bittersweet one, since she’d never be able to share it with Josh.

  It had been over seven months now since he’d died, though, and she couldn’t put her life on hold forever.

  So she had a good time celebrating with her friends. They drank two bottles of wine at dinner. Then they couldn’t agree on which club to go to afterwards. So they ended up stopping in at three different bars or clubs, and Zoe had mixed drinks at each one.

  By midnight, she was giddy and rather fuzzy. Everything seemed funnier than it should, and—despite a firm belief that she was no longer someone who would do such a thing—she danced quite uninhibitedly with her friends at the last club they visited.

  The alcohol had somehow snuck up on her. She’d had no intention of drinking very much, and she wasn’t really conscious of having done so. Her friends weren’t going to let her do anything crazy or dangerous, and they would get a cab to take them home.

  So Zoe just enjoyed letting go for the evening, indulging herself in a way she never did anymore.

  It was very late when she finally got back home. She’d felt a little dizzy during the cab ride, but she wasn’t drunk enough to be sick.

  She said goodbye to Jane and headed up to her apartment. She stopped in front of her door, making a point of reminding herself to be quiet as she went in because Logan would be sleeping.

  She wondered if Adam and Logan would both be asleep on the couch the way they had the last time. She almost hoped they were. They’d looked so adorable like that.

  Snickering over the memory, she made a great effort to close the door behind her without slamming it. Then she walked through the entryway, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor and her cardigan slung over her arm.

  She dropped the cardigan, her purse, and her keys on the entry table and was extremely startled by the noise her keys made as they dropped.

  She took a deep breath, thinking it felt incredibly warm inside. She pulled the fabric of her top away from her skin a few times, trying to generate a breeze.

  When Adam appeared in front of her without warning, she gave a little squeal of surprise.

  “Sorry to startle you,” he murmured, his observant eyes scanning her from her messy hair to her sexy high heels. Despite the blur in her mind, she was acutely conscious of the fact that his eyes spent more time than they should have at her neckline. “Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah,” she said, smiling at him vaguely. It was so nice of him to stay with Logan. Who would ever have imagined she’d have Adam Peterson—trivia-game tycoon—babysitting for her one-year-old son. “Yeah. Yeah.”

  She wasn’t quite sure why she repeated the word three times, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

  His eyes narrowed as they studied her face. “Did you have a good time?”

  “Yeah. Yeah.” It still felt excessively hot in the apartment, so she pulled her top into a fan again. “Yeah. Why is it so hot?”

  Adam’s eyebrows arched up and the corner of his mouth quivered. “I see you’ve had quite a good time tonight.”

  “It was fun. I danced. I haven’t danced in ages.” It seemed only appropriate that she give Adam some sort
of proof of her evening activities. He was a conscientious researcher and wouldn’t necessarily believe unconfirmed reports. So she swung her hips and spun around, thinking she would have done better with a little music.

  With a low chuckle, Adam took her arm and pulled her toward the living room. “Why don’t you sit down for a minute? I’ll get you some water.”

  Zoe frowned at him dramatically and then gave him what she believed to be a well-deserved huff for interrupting her dancing. But she let him lead her over to the couch because she felt another wave of dizziness hit her.

  She breathed deeply and stared out the windows at the lights of the city. It felt like there was something important she needed to do or say.

  “Here,” Adam said, sitting down beside her after handing her a glass of ice water. “How much did you have to drink?”

  With an intimidating glare, she said, “Not that much. A few.”

  “A few?”

  She gave a firm nod. “A few.” She couldn’t remember, but it hadn’t really been that many. “I may be just a little intoxicated.”

  “I think that might be a possibility.” It sounded like Adam was hiding a laugh.

  She looked at him suspiciously. He wore a gray t-shirt, and she liked how the soft cotton looked stretched across his shoulders. He had very good shoulders. And a very nice neck. And the most irresistible kinks in his brown hair, since it was just a few days until his next cut. And his mouth was quivering in that way she loved—like he couldn’t quite repress a smile no matter how hard he tried to keep his composure.

  “Are you laughing at me?” she demanded. She liked that he was laughing, but it didn’t seem right that she should be the reason for it.

  “Never.”

  This was a satisfying answer, and she liked the rich lilt in his voice.

  He was a very good uncle. And a very good friend. And a very attractive man.

  She reached out and patted his chest, feeling the need to affirm all of these truths about him. “I like you, Adam. I didn’t think I ever would again. But I do.”