by Mercy Amare
“What was the rumor?” Maybe I shouldn’t have asked, but I can’t help my curiosity.
Arianna looks like she is going to cry for a few seconds, but she quickly recovers. “She told everybody that I had an STD. I was just a sophomore at the time and had never had a boyfriend. I was a virgin. I had a very rough tenth grade year. But then I met Courtney at the beginning of junior year. It sucks that her parents got divorced, but I’m so glad she moved here.”
Victoria jumps into the conversation. “I was kind of a social hermit before Courtney too. I had frizzy red hair, braces, and freckles. She taught me how to fix my hair and makeup. When I got my braces removed, I tried out for the cheerleading squad. I always wanted to but was scared. She helped me with the routine. Without her, I’d probably still be eating my lunch in the bathroom.”
“Aw, you guys…” Courtney puts her arms around them. “You both had it in yourselves. You just needed a push in the right direction.”
I turn back to Arianna. “I can’t believe Jacqueline did that to you. I’m so sorry. She has to pay for what she’s done.”
“I agree,” Arianna says. “I am so glad you broke her nose. She totally deserved that.”
“Well, she deserves a hell of a lot more,” Courtney says bitterly. “She has been bullying everybody in this school for far too long.”
I think about all the high fives and knuckle bumps I got yesterday after I punched Jacqueline. It’s then that I realize just how bad she truly has been. It isn’t just about her pushing me in the cafeteria. It’s about all the things that she’s done to everybody here, and I want her to pay.
“We are going to knock that bitch off her pedestal,” I promise them.
“Hey, ladies,” I look up to see Ty walking over to our table. He takes a seat beside me. “Plotting to take over the world?”
I nod. “Definitely. We are going to take over the world one high school at a time.”
“If anybody can do it, you can,” he says to me. “So hey, there is this concert tomorrow. It’s just a local band, but they’re pretty good. I have tickets if you want to go with me. You know, if you’re free.”
“Sure. It sounds fun.”
“Awesome.” He smiles, almost like he expected me to say no. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, Kihanna.”
He gets up from the table, and when I look at the girls, they’re all laughing.
“What?”
“Ty was so nervous!” Courtney laughs. “I’ve never seen him like that. He’s always so smooth. He definitely has a way with the ladies.”
“Why would he be nervous? It’s just a concert.”
“Because he likes you.”
I shake my head. “He does not. He’s just being nice.”
They all laugh. “Whatever you say.”
“Maybe you’ll get your first kiss,” Courtney says, wiggling her eyebrows.
Victoria chokes on her drink. “I’m sorry, what?”
I feel my face grow warm.
“During an interesting game of Never Have I Ever, Kihanna revealed that she has never been kissed,” Courtney explains.
“Aw!” Arianna and Victoria both gush at the same time.
“Ugh, I should have just lied and taken a drink. It’s so embarrassing that I am seventeen and have never been kissed.” I want to hide my face in my hands.
“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s really sweet and romantic that you’re completely untouched. You shouldn’t let anybody pressure you into anything you’re not ready for,” Courtney quickly counters.
Both Arianna and Victoria agree with her.
Even though they both think it’s sweet, I can’t help but wonder how it feels to be kissed. Is it as romantic as it is in books and movies? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I’m a bad kisser?
I take a deep breath. No, it can’t be that complicated. When the moment is right, I will know what to do, and it will be special.
Maybe I will have that special moment with Ty. He is a pretty awesome guy, and I am definitely attracted to him.
I decide not to contemplate it. When the moment happens, it will be perfect. I shouldn’t stress over something that might or might NOT happen. And it probably won’t. Courtney, Arianna, and Victoria are reading way too much into it.
3:13 PM
Dirty Cunt
After school, when I go to get in my car, I notice a note is stuck under my windshield wiper. I open up the note.
You’re a dirty cunt. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll go back to where you came from.
The note was cut out of magazine articles and newspaper headlines, but I don’t have to see the handwriting to know exactly who left this note.
I crumple up the note and toss it into a nearby trashcan before leaving.
One thing is for certain — Jacqueline Hoff is going to pay.
Saturday, August 28
5:52 PM
Nobody will ever be good enough for you.
I am so mad at Arianna, Courtney, and Victoria for making me believe this stupid date nonsense! I was completely fine hanging out with Ty. We are friends. Then they go fill my head with these stupid romantic notions, and I can’t stop myself from wondering – is this a date?
What if it’s not a date? Maybe I am getting all worked up over nothing. Then I will feel stupid.
But what if it is? Do I even like Ty as more than a friend? I mean, he’s unbelievably attractive, but do we have chemistry? Just because he makes my heart flutter doesn’t mean he’s somebody I want to date.
And even if this is a date, it’s not like he’s asked me to be more than friends. I’m obviously not ready to be more than his friend. I just moved here, and I’m still trying to adjust to this life. Adding a boyfriend to the mix would just be stupid. I’m perfectly fine being single. Besides, this is definitely not a date. We are just friends.
I laugh at myself.
If this isn’t a date, then why have I been standing in my closet for the past half hour and still haven’t picked an outfit?
Ugh, this is so stupid, I scold myself. Let’s pretend for one millisecond that this is a date. If Ty likes me, he will like me no matter what I wear. So it doesn’t even matter. And if it’s not a date, I’m going to feel really stupid for trying so hard. So I’m just going to wear what I would if I was going to a concert back home. It’s not like you’re supposed to dress up for a concert anyway.
Still, I try on three different outfits before I find one I like. I’m wearing a pair of hot pink skinny jeans, a bright yellow top, and my purple Tom’s. I look very colorful. Ugh, maybe I should change… I search through my closet once more, but I stop myself.
This outfit is fine.
My hair is curled and pulled back into a ponytail. I love how the curls bounce every time I move. I hear a knock on my door, disrupting my thoughts. When I open it, Toby is standing there.
“You look nice,” he says approvingly. “Less conforming. This is the real you. I like it.”
“Thanks.” That was exactly what I needed to hear. “Do I look date-worthy?”
Did I seriously just ask my stepbrother to approve my outfit? Wow, I have obviously spent too much time in my closet. The fabric fumes are getting to me.
He smiles. “Finally change your mind, sis?”
“Ugh.” I half-gag, half-laugh. “You are very persistent and absolutely disgusting.”
“What can I say? I know what I want.”
“I’m going on a date with Ty.” I pause. “Or at least I think it’s a date. Either way, we are going to a concert tonight.”
“Ty Newman?” he asks.
I nod.
He considers this for a few seconds. “Ty is a good guy.”
Wow. “You’re giving me your approval?”
He laughs. “No. Nobody will ever be good enough for you. You are seriously the poster girl for good girls. But I do like Ty. If he tries anything, let me know and I’ll take care of it.”
“Aw,” I gush. “Toby, yo
u’re my favorite stepbrother.”
“I’m your only stepbrother.”
“Exactly.” I smile. “Which also means you’re my least favorite stepbrother.”
He shakes his head at me. “Whatever you say, Kihanna.”
There is another knock on the door, and we both turn to see Nicholas standing there.
“Miss Evers, there is a Mr. Newman here to see you,” he says very formal-like.
“It’s Kihanna,” I tell him for the one-hundredth time. He’s never going to get this. I turn back to Toby. “Wish me luck.”
“Good luck. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He pauses. “Actually, I take that back. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do. Just don’t sleep with him on the first date.”
“Wasn’t going to,” I quickly respond.
Ugh. I hope that isn’t what Ty wanted when he asked me out. He said before that he wanted to “fuck me”, but I’m pretty sure he was just joking then. I try hard not to overanalyze it as I walk out of my room.
My palms are sweating, and my heart literally feels like it’s going to beat its way out of my chest. I decide that I may vomit before the night is over, but hopefully it won’t be on myself or Ty. I run my hand over the banister as I walk down the stairs. I keep it there in case I trip, which is very possible. I try to focus on the steps and not on the fact that I’m about to go out on my first date.
Gah. I hate that word. Date. It’s too gray. I like black and white. Nothing about this night is black or white.
I count the steps as I walk down. There are exactly thirty-two steps from the top floor to the bottom floor. When I get to the bottom, I am forced to look up at Ty. He looks good. Really good. Dammit. He doesn’t look nervous at all. In fact he looks completely cool. Of course he’s cool. He’s probably been out on like a million dates before. Why should he be nervous?
I am relieved to see that he’s wearing jeans and a concert shirt. I didn’t under-dress or overdress, and I’m glad I decided to wear jeans. I’m going to ask Toby’s advice more often.
“You look beautiful,” he says and hands me a bouquet of purple flowers.
Flowers = date, right?
Ugh, why does this suddenly feel awkward?
I take them from him. I have no idea what kind of flowers they are. I feel like I should know, but it’s not like I frequently get flowers from guys. “Thank you. They are beautiful.”
What am I supposed to do with the flowers? Am I supposed to take them with us? Or am I supposed to leave them here? There should a Dating for Dummies book that covers this. Maybe there is. Memo to self - look it up. I will be more prepared next time.
Next time? Calm down, Kihanna, I tell myself. Let’s get through tonight before we start thinking about a second date.
Thankfully I don’t have to wonder what to do with the flowers for long. Nicholas comes down the stairs and takes them from me.
“Are you ready?” Ty asks me.
I nod, unable to trust my voice. He holds out his arm for me and I take it. I like touching him. Somehow it makes me feel less nervous, which seems odd. I figured it would be opposite.
“I thought maybe we could grab some food before the concert. Do you like Indian food?”
“Yes,” I say, but I doubt I will be able to eat. My stomach is in knots, and food is the furthest thing from my mind.
Ty and I walk toward his car, and he opens the passenger side door for me. Before I get in, he leans over and kisses me on the cheek. Nobody, besides my mom, has ever kissed me on the cheek before. It’s actually really sweet.
“Don’t be nervous,” he tells me.
The fact that he can tell I’m nervous makes me feel suddenly self-conscious. “Not everybody can be as calm as you always are.” I want it to sound flirty, but it’s not. My voice comes out in a shaky whisper.
He laughs. “You think I’m calm? Trust me when I say, I’m so not calm. I’ve never met anybody like you, and I’m scared that I am going to do something stupid to screw this up. I like you — more than I probably should. I’m just hoping that I don’t ruin this. I want there to be an us.”
He shuts the door, and as he is walking around the car I have a mini freak out session.
So, this is a date. He definitely wants to be more than friends. The problem with that is, now I’m freaking out because I don’t want a relationship. At least not right now. It’s not because of Ty. It’s because of me. I’m over a thousand miles away from everything I have ever known — my home, my mom, my life. But how cliché of me would it be to say “it’s not you, it’s me”? Even if it’s true, it’s lame.
Ty gets in the driver’s seat and looks over at me. “I’m sorry if that freaked you out.”
I shrug my shoulders, pretending like it’s no big deal. “You didn’t freak me out.”
“Promise?”
“Promise,” I lie. Sometimes a lie is better than the truth. And this is definitely one of those times. Besides, how can I trust my own feelings when I don’t even understand them? I obviously like Ty. I want to be here with him, or else I would’ve told him no. So it’s not really a lie, I convince myself. Besides, this date is just Ty and me wanting to get to know each other better. It’s not like he’s suddenly going to ask me to go steady with him.
“What kind of music do you like?” he asks, as he switches on the radio.
“Anything that I can dance to,” I answer.
“You dance?”
“Yes, but not very good.”
“Too bad. I’d love to see you in a cheerleading uniform.”
I clear my throat. I’m pretty sure that he just complimented my body, but I’ve never actually considered myself to have a good figure. I decide to change the subject. “So do you play football?”
“Just because my dad was in the NFL doesn’t mean I have to follow in his footsteps.” Ty’s voice ices over at the mention of his father.
“I’m sorry. I actually forgot that your dad played, but I didn’t mean anything by it,” I say in my defense. “I just thought that you did, since you made the cheerleading comment.”
He sighs. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped you. My father has been on me my whole life about football, but I’ll never be as good as him. I quit playing my sophomore year. It really eats him up that I’m not like him.”
“It’s really a different world here. My mom’s always been so supportive of me in everything I do, so I can’t say that I understand. It must suck to have a famous dad. I bet everybody just expects you to follow in his footsteps.”
“You do have a famous dad,” he counters.
I shrug. “It’s different though. I just met my dad. His expectations of me are pretty low at the moment. I’m barely allowed to dress myself.”
“Oh yeah. Because of your devil-worshiping clothes.” Ty laughs, hard. “Gabe told me about that.”
“I bet Gabriel thinks I’m crazy.”
“Not really. He said you were hot.”
I don’t really like the word hot. Beautiful is a good word, sexy even, but hot? It’s not romantic at all.
Not that I have romantic feelings for Gabe anyway.
“So how are you liking your new stepbrother?” Ty is obviously better at making conversation than I am. He is carrying the whole conversation. I suck.
“Toby is…” I pause, searching for a word to best describe him. “Interesting. I didn’t think I would like him at first, but he already feels like my brother.”
“The last year for him has been pretty rough. I think having you there is good for him.” I wonder what Ty means by this. How was last year rough for Toby? I am about to ask when we pull up to the Indian restaurant. “We’re here.”
I unbuckle my seat belt and am about to open my door.
Ty stops me. “Let me open your door.”
I look at him, unsure of what to say. It’s really sweet that he’s opening my door, but as he walks around the car, I feel awkward again.
It must be me. I’m just
an awkward person. Dates are supposed to be fun, right? We are going to eat awesome food, watch a band perform, and then he’s going to drive me home. That’s it. It’s not a commitment. It’s just a fun night with somebody I’m getting to know.
I manage to calm myself down, and I smile as Ty grabs my hand and helps me out of the car. Once I’m out of the car, he doesn’t let go of my hand. I’ve never held hands with a guy before, but I like the feeling. My hand seems so tiny in his.
“Your hand is so soft,” he tells me as we walk inside.
“Thanks.” My voice sounds very timid. Should I tell him his hands are soft too?
No. Definitely not. No guy wants to be told their hands are soft.
“You say thank you a lot,” Ty says.
“Umm, sorry.”
Ty grins at me. “I know you’ve never kissed a guy before. I’m wondering… is this your first date?”
I want to lie. So bad. But I am a terrible liar. My face always turns red, and I avoid eye contact. I figure I may as well just tell him the truth, because he will know either way.
“Yes, this is my first date. I honestly wasn’t even sure this was a date until Courtney, Ariana, and Victoria told me.” I shut my mouth. Why did I tell him the last part? Not only am I a loser who has never been out on a date, now I’m a loser who can’t even tell when a guy is asking her out.
“I think it’s awesome that you’re… inexperienced. Not every guy likes a girl who has been around.”
I ponder his words as the hostess walks us to our table. While we played Never Have I Ever last week, I found out a lot about Ty… Enough to know that he has been around. A lot. Maybe he was too drunk to remember, but I won’t ever forget. Is that the only reason he likes me? Because he wants to be my first? Maybe he has a thing for virgins.
We sit down at the table and order our drinks. We both look over the menu.
“About what I said… I know it seems very hypocritical of me, seeing as how I have been around a lot, but I wish I could take it all back. I wish my first time would have been with somebody special,” he says, almost as if he’s reading my mind.
