by Mercy Amare
I smile at his words. “Thanks, but I think I’m the idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot and don’t even think it,” he says sternly. “You always see the good in people, which is one of the things I love about you, but it’s also one of your downfalls. You trust people, even before they deserve it. You have a good heart.”
“Well, I’m pretty much done trusting people.” My voice is a little bitter.
“Don’t let one fuckwad change who you are,” he scolds me. “Seriously. I know you’re better than that.”
“I know, damn it,” I turn and punch the back of my seat. “Why did Gabe do that? I thought he wanted to be with me. Why did he just break up with me for no reason?”
“Maybe he got scared,” Toby suggests. “Besides Lily, I don’t think Gabe has ever had a serious relationship. He only dated her a month, but I doubt they would have lasted much longer. He has always been a bit of a player.”
“He told me he loved her,” I counter.
“He might think that. Maybe he feels better thinking that, because of what happened, but he never loved her.” Toby is very confident in his statement. “When he crashed, he was actually texting another girl.”
This makes me gasp. “He told me he was texting Ty.”
He shakes his head. “Nope.”
So I can add liar to the list of Gabriel’s bad traits. It’ll go right under user and jerk.
“At least he has to sing Celine Dion in front of the whole school,” Toby reminds me.
This makes me laugh — hard. I didn’t realize just how bad I needed to laugh like that.
“Toby, you’re awesome.”
“That’s what all the girls say,” he responds in normal Toby-fashion.
As we pull into our driveway, the house looks dark. It’s usually always lit up, so it feels weird. “Why is it so dark?”
“All the staff is off for the holidays. Except Nicholas,” he explains. “He always stays around to look after the house.”
“Oh. I didn’t even think about that.”
Toby pulls up to the front of the circle drive, and we get out of the car and walk toward the house. It feels good to be home. It was nice to get away for a while, but I’m glad I won’t have to see Gabriel much while I’m here. We turn on the lights in the foyer as we walk inside. As the room lights up, I let out a scream at the sight in front of me. Our butler, Nicholas is lying on the ground, surrounded by a pool of blood.
Toby grabs me and puts his hand over my mouth. He then whispers, “Don’t scream. They might still be here. Do you understand?”
I nod my head, slowly. He’s right. I have to stay calm and rational right now. I can’t freak out.
“Now, we are going to slowly and quietly walk out of here,” he whispers.
I nod again, because I know I can’t speak. Toby grabs my hand, and starts to pull me back toward the door. I’m thankful for this, because I don’t think I could move without his help. He is about to grab the handle when I hear a gun cock. Fear shoots through my body, as I turn around and face the killer. I can’t look at his face. I am too scared. I watch as his finger pulls the trigger, and then I watch helplessly as Toby falls to the ground. I scream, and fall to my knees beside him as I watch him bleed. I’m not even paying attention to the shooter now, I’m just screaming Toby’s name over and over again as the red stain on his shirt grows bigger. I don’t even notice that he shooter has now walked over to me.
“Kihanna Evers.” I hate hearing my name on his lips. I look up at him, and I know for a fact that I have never seen him before. I would definitely remember the evil look in his brown eyes.
“Ho… How… do… you… k… know… m… my… name?” I stutter.
“How could I not know you? Daughter of The Mark Evers. You’re famous, don’t you know?” His smile makes me cringe. He points the gun toward me. “You should have listened to the notes. You should have left. They gave you fair warning?”
“They?” How does he know about the notes? “Who left me the notes? Was it you?” My stomach hurts at the thought — has this creep been watching me the whole time? But I don’t give it a second thought. I have to help Toby. If I don’t get him to a hospital soon, he is going to die. “Please, just let me go. Toby needs to go to the hospital. Please.”
“If I leave now, then you will just identify me to the cops and I will be in jail within in the hour.” He shakes his head. “You weren’t even supposed to be here. Why are you here? If you weren’t, this would have gone perfectly.”
“What are you doing? Are you robbing the house?” I’m stalling him with my questions. I look at the gun in his hand, and I’m trying to remember the defense moves I learned last summer. I’m wondering if I can move fast enough to get the gun out of his hand.
He starts to respond to my question, but I don’t give the guy time. I slam my fist into his groin and knock the gun out of his hand. I watch as it slides across the marble floor, and without hesitation I chase after it. The shooter is not far behind me, so I grab the gun and point the end toward him.
My hands are shaking as I rest my finger on the trigger of the gun. I aim it toward his head. Without a moment of hesitation, I pull the trigger. The gun jerks in my hands, but I hold it steady as the shot fires. The loud blast makes my ears ring. I hold onto the gun as if my life depends on it, as I watch him fall to the floor. There is blood splattered on the wall behind him, but I turn my head away so I don’t have to see. I know for a fact that he is dead.
I feel somebody gently touch my arm, and am aware that somebody is saying my name, but I don’t respond. I just let the gun fall to the floor, and feel my knees hit the marble floor. All I can think is that I just killed a man, and I didn’t think twice about doing it. What kind of person does that make me?
It isn’t long before I feel my whole body hit the floor, and then everything slowly fades to black.
Friday, November 26
9:54 AM
Numb.
I wake up with my head pounding. Everything is too loud and too bright. I try to feel for my phone, so I can shut off my alarm, but I realize that I’m not at home. There is not a nightstand beside my bed — there are bars. I open my eyes to see I am lying in a hospital bed, and the beep is coming from the heart monitor next to me. Flashes from the night before come rushing back to me, as I think about Nicholas and Toby.
Gabriel is sitting in the recliner, looking at me. “You’re awake!”
“Where’s Toby?” I ask in a panic. I have to know he’s okay.
“Toby is okay. He’s in another room, recovering from surgery,” Gabe answers calmly.
“Toby is going to be okay?” I confirm once more.
“Yes, he will be fine,” he answers.
I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest, until I think of the guy that I killed. My eyes fill with tears as I look at Gabe. “I killed a man, didn’t I?”
He avoids my question. “Let me get your dad. He went to get coffee. He should be back any second.”
“Gabriel, answer my damn question!” I yell at him. I already know the answer, so I don’t know why I am asking, but I need to hear it confirmed. “DID I KILL A MAN?”
He sighs. “Yes, but you did it to protect yourself. You saved your life, and Toby’s.”
“But… But… I didn’t,” I quickly shake my head. “I passed out. Somebody else was there. Who else was there?”
“That was me. After you left I realized what a huge mistake I had made. I was coming after you to tell you that I changed my mind. As I was walking toward you house, I heard a gunshot… I thought something happened to you… I…” Gabriel’s eyes fill with tears. “Will you ever forgive me?”
It’s then that I realize exactly why I went home early — because of Gabe. And I want to forgive him, I really do, but something in me has changed. I’m not the same girl I was twenty-four hours ago. “I’m sorry. I can’t forgive you. If it wasn’t for you, me and Toby wouldn’t have come home.�
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I watch as the tears fall down his face. “I’m so sorry, Kihanna.”
I don’t say anything. I just watch him as he cries. I know I should say something, I should feel something, but I don’t. I’m just completely numb.
As my dad comes in the room, Gabe exits, leaving me in there with him. He looks relieved to see me awake. “I am so glad you’re okay.”
I try to smile, but I know it must not reach my eyes. “Is Mom on her way?” That’s exactly what I need — to see my mom. She can make me feel better. She always make me feel better.
“Your mom can’t come, I’m sorry.”
I wait for an explanation, but one doesn’t come. “Why not? Does she know I’m in the hospital?”
“There is something that you should know about your mom…” His voice trails off, and I can see the pain in his eyes. “Your mom is sick.”
“But when she’s better, she will come,” I say confidently.
“Kihanna, your mom is sick,” he says again.
“I know. I heard you the first time. She will come as soon as she gets better.” And then the severity of his words hit me like a ton of bricks. “Mom isn’t getting better, is she? That’s why she sent me to live with you.”
Now it all makes sense. All the times I called her and she sounded sick.
“What is wrong with her?” I ask, trying not to cry. “She’s not dead, so there is hope, right? Can’t you do something to help her? Fly to her some magic doctor? There has to be something you can do.”
He shakes his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but there is nothing the doctors can do. She has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s stage four cancer, and the doctor gave her three months to live about four months ago. The doctors are surprised she’s lasted this long.”
“I want to see her!” I yell. “I have to see her!”
“Please, calm down.”
“I can’t calm down!” I begin sobbing hard. “I want to see my mom. Please, can you fly me to her?”
He considers my words and then nods his head. “As soon as they release you from the hospital, we will go see her.”
It isn’t soon enough, but it’s something. As if my heart couldn’t get any heavier, I now felt like I had the weight of the world on my chest. “Why did she send me here? Why didn’t she wait until after she was… dead? I could have had all these months with her.”
“You should call her.” He hands me his phone. “She is the only one who can truly answer that question.”
He walks out of the door, and I hold his phone in my hand. It feels heavier than any phone should, though maybe it’s just because I’m exhausted — physically and mentally. I dial my mom’s number about five times before I am actually brave enough to let it ring.
“Hello,” my mom’s frail voice answers the phone. How had I not realized before just how sick she was? Was I that wrapped up in my own bubble that I couldn’t see past my own selfish needs?
“Mom…” My voice breaks off and I cry softly. “Is it true?”
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry.” I can hear how sad she is, but I know my mom. She’s not sad for herself. She’s sad for me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I’m whispering into the phone, because I know that I can’t talk. My whole world has just fallen apart, piece by piece, and I’m not strong enough to put it back together.
“Because I knew you would want to be here with me, and I want you to remember me the way I was. I don’t want you to remember me sick, Kihanna.” My mom is whispering too. “I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you. I just couldn’t.”
“I’m going to come see you, Mom. I need to see you.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I’m not doing very well right now.”
The fact that she’s telling me, makes it feel that much more real. I know she has to be really sick. “Will you still be here at Christmas?” I need one last Christmas with my mom. I need it like I need my next breath.
My mom is silent for a long time — too long. Her silence gives me the answer I need.
“As soon as I am released from the hospital, Dad is bringing me there.”
“How are you feeling?”
Wow — she is asking me how I’m feeling… “I’m fine, Mom. I just passed out. Toby was the one who was hurt.”
“I heard. I also heard that you saved your life and his life. I’m so glad that I made you take that defense class.”
“Me too. And all those target practices came in handy.” I cringe at my words.
“I know that it’s a lot to deal with right now, but you did the right thing. I know that you will only grow stronger from this,” she says confidently. I wish that I felt as confident as her. “You have your dad, Toby, Veronica, Gabe, and all your new friends.”
I don’t have Gabe. But I’m not going to tell her that. I need her to think that I am happy. “I can survive this, Mom… I’m just not sure I can survive losing you. You are everything to me.”
“I know you can, Kihanna. You are so strong! You are going to move past this, and grow into the strong independent woman I know you are. You’re going to do it by living one day at a time. You’re going to go to school, get good grades, and get into a good college. Remember — always make time for fun. Hang out with Gabe and your girl friends. Spend time with your dad, because he loves you so much. And live each day like it’s your last. And when you can’t get up for yourself, do it for me. Because I swear, if you waste time crying over me, I will haunt you.”
Through my tears, I laugh. “Mom, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
1:44 PM
Pain.
I finally convince my nurse to wheel me down to Toby’s room. I’ve been dying to see him. The nurse tells me that he too has been asking for me.
“Hey, Toby,” I greet him, as I am wheeled into his room. The nurse locks my wheels and sternly informs us that we only have fifteen minutes.
“I am so glad to see you,” he whispers.
“Are you in pain?” I ask.
“I have a huge hole in my stomach. What do you think?” Only Toby could use sarcasm after nearly bleeding to death.
“Ouch,” I say.
“Thank you for saving my life.”
When he says the words, I realize why I didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger. When it comes down to it, I will do anything to protect my family. I did what I had to in order to protect Toby, and I would do it again if I had to.
“You’re welcome.” It doesn’t feel like the right words, but what else are you supposed to say when somebody thanks you for killing somebody in order to protect them?
“I’m sorry about your mom. Your dad just told me.”
I nod but don’t say anything. The sharp pain in my chest will be a constant reminder. My mom is dying, and there is nothing that I can do to save her. “We’ve had a pretty crazy Thanksgiving break, huh?”
“Especially you with all your boy drama. I can’t keep up anymore.” He’s trying to get my mind off of my mom. I love him for it.
I’m not sure what to say now. Boy drama seems so stupid right now, especially when I look at the big picture. I feel so stupid for even worrying about having a boyfriend.
“Tell me about your mom.” The words from Toby’s mouth stun me. That was so not what I expected, but I’m glad he said it. I want to tell him about her. Pretty soon she will just be a memory, and I want everybody to know just how awesome she is.
“When people talk about my mom, the first thing that they mention is her smile. She has an unforgettable smile — I swear she can light up the darkest room.” I smile thinking about it. “She is beautiful, inside and out. She always put the needs of others before herself — me included. I was the center of her world, and I didn’t even realize until I moved here. She is a joy to be around. Most of the time I opted to stay home and be with my mom, because I enjoyed spending time with her more than people from my school.”
I continue talking about my mom, and Toby just li
stens. I’m sad when our fifteen minutes are up, and the nurse comes to wheel me back to my room. I’m wondering why I’m still here. I only fainted.
“You should forgive Gabe,” Toby says, as I’m about to leave the room.
“I can’t.”
“You love him, Kihanna. I can see it in your eyes. You’re going to need him. Now more than ever.”
“Maybe I did.” Lie. I still do. But I’m not admitting it. Not to Toby, not to Gabe, and definitely not to myself. “But I’m over it.”
“No you’re not. But I’m here for you.”
“Time to go,” the nurse says as she pushes me out into the hall. I want to cry, but there are no tears left inside of me. Now I’m left with sadness, pain, anger, and disappointment.
“Am I going to be released soon?” I ask her.
“You will have to ask your doctor. He should be making his way to your room in about two hours,” she answers. “You should get some sleep now.”
Once we get to my room, she tries to help me into my bed. “I’ve got this.” I push myself up, and nearly fall at the weight of myself. I would think that I’ve gained two hundred pounds, but she catches me like I weigh nothing.
“There is nothing wrong with asking for help,” she says sternly once I’m in the bed. “See you later, Miss Evers.”
After she closes the door, I find it easy to fall asleep. Sleep is exactly what I need.
4:04 PM
My little secret.
I am woken up by the sound of my door being opened. I look up to see my doctor walking in. He is smiling. “Hey, Miss Evers, how are you feeling?”
I decide to go with honesty. “Like I got ran over by a train, and said train backed up and ran over me again.”
The doctor laughs. “Well, the good news is that you didn’t get hit by a train. Your vitals are fine. You were a little dehydrated, but we’ve been pumping fluids into you, so you’re good now. The thing that we are most concerned with now is your mental state.”
I wasn’t expecting that. Do they think I’m crazy?
