Texas Blonde

by Victoria Thompson

  "Drink it!" Josh ordered again, pressing the glass to her lips.

  Past resistance, Felicity obeyed, gasping and choking as the liquor scalded her throat. Almost instantly, the warmth from the brandy seeped into her bones. After another few minutes, her shaking began to ease.

  Josh took the empty glass from her and set it aside. Resisting the urge to take her in his arms, he very carefully sat down beside her. "Are you all right now?" he asked quietly, hoping to calm her with his manner.

  Felicity knew she would never be all right again, but she was better, at least. She nodded.

  "You never did answer my question," he said, no longer able to ignore how small and defenseless she looked with her dress rumpled and her golden hair coming loose around her shoulders. If any other man had done this to her, Josh would have killed him instantly. The knowledge stunned him. Guilt clawed at his soul again, baring emotions he had thought long dead, emotions horrible in their intensity. For a moment he actually winced in physical pain.

  No! a silent voice shrieked in his mind, protesting the insidious weakness he knew would destroy him. How could he feel this way? Forcing himself to think rationally, he quickly rationalized. Of course. It was so obvious. He cared for her. She was, after all, a sweet, lovely, spirited, intelligent, very desirable young woman. He had chosen her to be his wife. Of course he cared what happened to her, felt her pain, and bore the guilt for having caused it. But he also had the power to heal that hurt. And he would.

  "If you marry me, you'll have a good home and someone to take care of you," he said, his voice ragged with his tormenting emotions. "You'd never want for anything again." The need to protect her was almost a tangible presence in the room. He waited tensely for her reply.

  Felicity raised her head and looked at him. The liquor made her a little lightheaded, as if all of this were happening to someone else and she was only an observer. His logical arguments made little impression on her benumbed brain, but she understood their essence. If she married him, she would be safe. But would that be enough? She didn't know, and thinking about it only made her want to cry. She shuddered slightly and drew a shaky breath. "Yes, I'll marry you, Mr. Logan," she said, knowing she really had no other choice.

  She looked so… so shattered. The memory of how he had hoped to win her devotion with a few fevered kisses tortured him. How could he have been such a fool? And how could he have let things get so far out of control? He had never meant to force her… But he had to admit that he had, indeed, meant to somehow force her into accepting him. Now he knew that a victory on those terms was hardly a victory at all. Could he make her understand how much he regretted what had happened? Could he erase that haunted expression from her eyes? "Look, what I did…"-he gestured vaguely toward the bedroom-"I didn't mean…"

  "You didn't mean!" Felicity cried in despair, jumping to her feet.

  "I didn't want it to happen," he corrected, rising swiftly to face her. "But when you didn't stop me…" Seeing the stricken look in her eyes, he stopped, instantly aware that he had said exactly the wrong thing.

  Felicity stared at him in total humiliation. He hadn't really wanted her, but when she did not scream or fight him off… Overwhelmed with shame, she turned, following her instinct to flee, but he caught her and hauled her back against his chest. Knowing she should fear him, and hate him, still she could not resist the comfort of his arms. Unable to fight him, she surrendered to his embrace and began to sob uncontrollably, overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions that wracked her. When her feet left the floor, she no longer even cared where he was taking her or why.

  Feeling helpless and completely reprehensible, Josh carried her to the big chair and sat down in it, cradling her in his lap to offer her what comfort he could. Not knowing how to make amends for his blunder, his many blunders, he remained silent, rocking her gently while every one of her tears seemed to scald his heart. After what seemed a very long time, her sobs gentled to weeping, and then even that stopped. Still he held her close, savoring the warmth of her body and the sweet, womanly fragrance of her hair. Regardless of whether it was right or not, she was his now. He pressed her to his heart possessively, but she stiffened in protest, startling him. "Felicity?" he asked softly.

  Felicity knew she should never have accepted the comfort of his arms, not after he told her he had not wanted her, had not meant to make love to her. Love. How ironic. He had also said he did not love her, even before he had taken her to bed. "Do you have a handkerchief?" she asked into his shirtfront, knowing she must stop dwelling on her humiliation and save what was left of her pride.

  He shifted while he dug into a pocket. He handed the white cloth to her. Averting her head so he would not see her tear-ravaged face, she wiped her eyes and discreetly blew her nose.

  "Are you all right now?" Josh asked, more than willing to pull her back into his arms, regardless of her answer.

  Felicity was getting extremely tired of that question, but she nodded again, still not meeting his eyes. She sat up stiffly, acutely conscious of the fact that she was on his lap. How wonderful it had felt to be held, and how she longed for the haven of his arms again. For a moment she had almost been able to forget her shame and remember only the sweet ecstasy she had found in his embrace. But that, of course, had been only an illusion, destroyed now by her humiliation.

  "I think we should get married right away," he was saying, having decided that this was the best way to reassure her. "I was thinking we could do it next Saturday. That will give us a week to get things ready."

  Felicity didn't know whether the sinking feeling she experienced was relief or dread that he still wanted to marry her, but she didn't have the energy to examine it. "That sounds fine," she said numbly.

  Josh knew a sudden and very profound feeling of relief. She had accepted him. For a moment there, he had thought she might refuse. He knew it would have been no more than he deserved. "Then it's settled," he agreed as a strange sense of peace engulfed him.

  Felicity heard the change in his voice and finally lifted her head to see his expression. She was a little startled to discover that he looked exactly the same as always. She wondered vaguely if she did, too, or if people would know, simply from looking at her, that she was a fallen woman. Except she would not be a fallen woman. She would be a wife, his wife, although why he wanted her as his wife, she could not begin to guess.

  Wife. The word echoed in her mind. She was going to be his wife. The thought made her slightly panicky. She knew nothing about being a wife or running a house or anything else that would be required of her. Her panic grew when she managed to focus on what he was saying.

  "… find the circuit preacher and round up the neighbors. A week should be long enough to take care of everything. You'll need a dress, too. We can go to town on Monday to get you some dress goods. Candace will help you make it."

  "You want to have a big, fancy wedding?" she asked, her eyes wide. She had pictured something very private, in keeping with the shame she felt about the whole thing.

  "We can't have any hole-in-the-corner affair. People would talk," Josh pointed out, knowing that they were going to talk anyway when they learned Josh Logan was marrying a girl he'd found out on the range and had known only two days. Not that he cared, of course, not for himself, but he wanted to protect her as much as he could.

  "All right," she agreed reluctantly, already imagining the ordeal of standing up in front of a lot of strangers as Josh Logan's bride. They would all be looking at her, examining her as if she were some prize horse up for auction, and speculating on her background and possibly even her morals. And then they would wonder why a man like Josh Logan had ever picked a nobody like her for his wife. She cringed inwardly.

  "Good," Josh said with forced heartiness, unable to understand her lack of enthusiasm. She should have at least been relieved. Or grateful. "I'll send somebody out tomorrow to find the preacher, and if he can come, we'll invite everybody around. We'll roast a steer and even have dancing�
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  Felicity tried to listen to his plans but was distracted when his arm tightened possessively around her waist, sending little shivers of reawakening desire coursing through her. Resisting the urge to surrender, to allow herself to be drawn back into the intoxicating circle of his embrace, she resolutely pushed herself away. She would give him no more reason to think her "easy."

  His hands lingered on her waist for a moment, but then he let her go. She stood up and stepped away from him, still trembling a little and grateful for some distance between them. She found it difficult to think straight when she was close to him. She tried once more to concentrate on what he was saying.

  Josh, however, had run out of things to say. He stopped talking to study her reaction. She didn't seem too happy about the whole thing, but that would probably be asking an awful lot under the circumstances. He should be satisfied that she had agreed at all. He hadn't intended to frighten her into it, and he would endure the guilt for that for a long time, but he'd make it up to her, and everything would be all right. Once they were married, once she was sharing his bed, things would be fine.

  That thought stirred memories of their earlier encounter. Josh felt desire building in him again. Unfortunately, he did not think Felicity would be quite so willing a second time. And Candace wasn't likely to leave them alone much longer, considering the lateness of the hour. Regretfully, he said, "I reckon I'd better say good night."

  Felicity nodded, once again confused by her feelings. She longed to be alone to sort out the thoughts that churned in her brain, but she felt uneasy about letting Mr. Logan out of her sight. What if he changed his mind about marrying her while he was gone? What would she do then?

  Watching her face, Josh easily read her uncertainty. He had been debating whether or not to kiss her good night, and this convinced him. He would reassure her without overwhelming her. It should be easy enough.

  Felicity's heart was thudding dangerously against her ribs as he approached. What was he going to do? Would he take her again? Trembling with mingled anticipation and dread, she tilted her head backward as he approached. The gray of his eyes had darkened almost to black.

  "Good night, Lissy," he whispered, and gently touched his mouth to hers. Or at least that was what he had intended. One touch from her was not enough, not nearly enough. The next thing he knew, he was holding her close, tasting all she had to give. One last remaining spark of sanity flickered to life just in time, however, and saved him from carrying her off once more to the big bed he knew was waiting for them in the other room. Reluctantly, he pulled away from her and drew a ragged breath, pleased to note that she was as moved by the kiss as he. "A week seems like a long time to wait," he murmured.

  Felicity thought so, too.

  Felicity went weak when she saw Mr. Logan's expression. His eyes seemed to burn into her, as if he were looking into her very soul. Quite against her will, she reached out to touch his face and was mildly surprised to find the paper cool beneath her fingertips.

  Still she winced as she stared at the photograph. Had he really looked at her like that, as if he wanted to ravish her, in front of everyone? No wonder no one had expressed surprise to learn that he intended to marry her. And no wonder he had done that shameful thing to her.

  And no wonder she had let him, she thought with despair. Just holding his photograph was enough to set her nerves to jumping and cause that odd ache in the pit of her stomach, the ache she had felt every time she had seen or even thought about him during the past two, very long days.

  Sunday had not been too bad. She had managed to hide in her room for most of the morning, pretending to read her Bible. When Candace finally rousted her out, having heard the news of the coming marriage from Mr. Logan, the rest of the men were already back from town. Everyone was so excited over the wedding plans that she and Mr. Logan had not been alone for even a minute all day.

  Felicity's mirror showed her that she looked no different than before, and if anyone suspected what had happened to her, they gave no indication. Even Candace did not seem to notice any change in her. Everyone treated her with the respect due her as Mr. Logan's intended bride.

  Everyone except Mr. Logan. On Sunday evening, just as she had been enjoying a measure of relief that the day had gone so well, Mr. Logan informed her that he was taking her to town first thing in the morning to do her wedding shopping. Felicity reminded him, ever so politely, that she had promised to develop the photographs for the men on Monday, so she could not go. Mr. Logan seemed to think he deserved first call on her time. He was reluctant to believe she intended to keep her promise to the men. While they had not exactly quarreled, Felicity knew he was far from pleased.

  His displeasure grew as she and Cody worked side by side on Monday, locking the negatives and the albumen-coated paper into the developing trays and waiting for time and sunlight to produce the prints. Mr. Logan had grudgingly assigned Cody's line-riding duties to another cowboy so Cody would be free to assist Felicity in the work. Cody's help had been invaluable to her. Not only did he carry around the heavy trays, but he quickly learned to judge when a print was adequately developed. Felicity couldn't help thinking that if she married Cody, the two of them could make a good living practicing the black art.

  But she didn't want to marry Cody. She only wanted to marry Mr. Logan. Oddly enough, she still could not think of him as anything except "Mr. Logan," in spite of what had happened between them. Or maybe because of it. She wasn't too clear on that point. She only knew that whenever they were together, her feelings frightened her. But she still wanted to see him.

  Or at least she had until last night. After all the furor over the photographs had died down and the men went back to the bunkhouse to admire themselves, Mr. Logan and Felicity were alone for the first time since the night he proposed to her. Felicity tried to distract him by showing him the pictures again, but he seemed far more interested in looking at her. And touching her. And kissing her.

  "Stop it!" she had exclaimed finally, jumping up from where he had cornered her on the settee.

  "Stop what?" he demanded in exasperation.

  "You know 'what'!" she informed him furiously, carefully backing up until she was out of his reach. "You won't trick me again."

  "Trick you!" he said, standing as if to come after her. "I have no intention of tricking' you. We're engaged. It's perfectly proper for me to kiss you."

  "Not with me, it isn't," she lied. She began to back away from him, but he was too quick for her. He caught her easily.

  Just the touch of his hands weakened her resistance, but she was determined not to surrender to him again. If she had nothing left in this world, she had her pride. She would fight to keep what was left of it intact. When his face came down to hers, she turned her head away and struggled frantically until he released her, thrusting her away from him angrily.

  "What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked.

  "Your language, Mr. Logan!" she remonstrated, trembling with reaction.

  "And stop calling me 'Mr. Logan,' damn it," he replied, daring her to correct him again. "There's no reason why I can't kiss you. We're getting married in a few days."

  "We're not married yet," Felicity pointed out, knowing he wanted to do far more than kiss her and understanding that if she allowed the kisses, she would allow the rest only too willingly.

  Judging from his irritation, he understood that, too. He reached for her again, but she dodged him, stepping behind the settee, where she felt safer. "I think you'd better leave now," she had said.

  After another angry exchange that Felicity could not even bring herself to remember, he had left, slamming the door behind him. She had been certain that he would call off the wedding and send her packing at first light. Instead he had come to the house that morning and informed her they would be going to town. He did not look very pleased with her, but he still seemed determined to go through with his wedding plans. Felicity knew she should have been grateful, especially after she had m
ade him so angry, but for some reason, she only felt angry herself. Perversely, she determined to continue calling him "Mr. Logan," knowing how that annoyed him.

  She heard his voice out in the ranch yard as he instructed one of the men to hitch up the wagon. He would be coming for her soon. Swiftly, she put the picture she had been staring at on the bottom of the pile of photographs and tucked them all into the cigar box Candace had given her.

  Josh paused on the porch to finish his cigarette before going in to fetch Felicity. He was still nursing his anger like a sore tooth, even though he knew she had been right to refuse him. As she had reminded him, they weren't married yet. He would not be entitled to marital privileges for several more days. Although he had to respect her wishes, that didn't make it any easier to sleep at night, not when he kept dreaming about making love to her, and waking up in a cold sweat.

  At least the men weren't teasing him the way they would have teased one of their own who was planning to marry. In fact, their reaction had been surprisingly subdued. They seemed awed at the very thought. Even Cody, whom Josh had informed first thing the next morning, before the other men returned, had reacted differently than Josh expected.

  Far from being jealous, the boy was thrilled. His first remark had been, "Now she can stay here and teach me all about photography!" So much for Josh's theory that Cody was in love with Felicity himself.

  And Candace. The woman was a caution. Nobody could have acted more surprised at the news. She'd even had the nerve to ask him, with great concern, whether he shouldn't ought to get to know the girl a little better before he took her to wife. As if she hadn't planned the whole thing herself. As if she wasn't just delighted at the prospect of supervising his wedding. As if she hadn't already knitted booties for his first child.

  Yes, everything had been pretty peaceful so far. Now, like a fool, he was going to take Felicity to town and parade her in front of the townsfolk. Every tongue within a hundred miles would be wagging about Josh Logan and his "child" bride. Normally, such a prospect would have annoyed him beyond reason, but he found himself smiling at the thought. The joke would be on them. Josh knew his child bride was all woman.