Felicity's eyes widened at his words. This was the closest he had ever come to acknowledging any deeper feelings for her. Frantically, she tried to analyze his statement, to examine it for hidden meanings. What could Joshua Logan have wanted that she had been able to give him? Unable to imagine having made any other contribution to his life, she was left with only one possibility. She clearly recalled the conversation they had had months ago during their "honeymoon," when he had spoken of his love for his ranch and how years from now Logans would still live here. "You're really happy about the baby, aren't you?" she asked, almost wishing that he would deny it, hoping he would insist she was all he cared about, but knowing how foolish such a wish was.
"Of course I'm happy about the baby," he hastened to reassure her, puzzled over the worried frown that marred her perfect face. Women certainly got peculiar notions. He smiled tenderly, wanting to put her mind at ease on the subject once and for all. "The reason I wanted to get married in the first place was because I wanted children." How long ago that seemed now, he thought, a time and place when he'd believed any woman would do, so long as she could provide him an heir.
His words stung her, and she winced inwardly with the pain of betrayal. How easily he made a mockery of her love, of all the tender feelings he had inspired in her. He had only wanted to get married so he could have a child! Of course, that explained everything, why he had proposed to her in the first place and even why he had seduced her before their wedding. He had wanted to be certain she would be satisfactory. It also explained why he had been such an eager lover since their marriage. He wanted to get her with child, and now he had succeeded. The burgeoning joy she felt over her pregnancy smothered under the realization that he had never cared for her at all.
Josh frowned, easily reading the sadness in her large, expressive eyes but unable to understand the reason for it. Only a moment ago she had been as pleased about the baby as he, but now… The cold fingers of apprehension stroked along his spine as he considered the possible causes. Had she begun to think about the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth? How clearly he remembered his mother refusing his father because she did not want any more children. Her protest, "I almost died the last time!" echoed in his brain.
But Felicity wouldn't die. He wouldn't let her. He would take care of her and protect her. She would get the best care any pregnant woman had ever received. Tempering his urge to crush her to him, he slipped his arms around her gently and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead, contenting himself with this brief taste even though his body burned for her. "I wouldn't mind making love to you right now," he murmured in a masterpiece of understatement, knowing that he would now have to moderate his desires because of her delicate condition.
Felicity closed her eyes against the pain his words caused. He wouldn't mind making love to her, but he wasn't going to. She could tell from the way he was holding her. But she could not let him know how devastated she was to learn his passion had not been for her at all, but for the child she would produce. She knew she had not yet earned his love, but at least she had thought he wanted her. Now even that was gone. "You don't have to now," she said, forcing a lightness to her tone. "I'm already… pregnant," she added, trying out the word she had never dared to speak aloud before.
Josh frowned. Was she telling him she no longer wanted to make love with him? In all the months of their marriage, she had never refused him, and he had assumed she enjoyed it as much as he. She'd certainly seemed to. But perhaps now she was concerned over her pregnancy, too. As difficult as it would be, he would honor her wishes. Reluctantly, he released her from his embrace. "You're right, I don't have to make love to you now," he said with an understanding smile, wondering how long he should wait and hoping the waiting would not drive him insane.
Felicity watched him rise from the bed, unable to wrench her gaze from the sight of his smile. How pleasant he was being about the whole thing, but then, he wouldn't want to upset her. That would be bad for the baby.
"I'm going to take good care of you, Lissy," he promised, confirming her suspicions. "You just go back to sleep now, and this time try to dream happy dreams," he added, tapping her nose playfully.
She managed to hold her tears until the door closed softly behind him. So intense was her agony, she drew her knees to her chest and clutched them tightly, muffling her sobs in the bedclothes. What had she ever done to deserve this? she wondered bitterly. What should have been the happiest news of her life had been ruined. A baby, Joshua's baby, grew inside of her, a tiny spark of life that was the fruit of the love she bore her husband, a tiny person whom she already loved fiercely. How unfair that her husband loved only the child.
"Miss Felicity? Are you ever gonna wake up? It's almost suppertime."
Candace's voice cut through the fog of sleep, and slowly Felicity returned to consciousness. Disoriented, she could not at first recall why she happened to be sleeping at suppertime or why her eyes were so puffy and swollen. Then it all came back to her in a rush. The baby. And Joshua. She groaned.
"Are you all right?" Candace asked in concern. "Mr. Josh said to let you sleep as long as you want, but I didn't reckon you'd want to miss a meal."
"I'm fine," Felicity assured her, struggling to break free of the lethargy that bound her. So many conflicting thoughts fought for dominance in her brain that for a moment she did not even think to wonder whether Candace knew the news. When she did, she realized that was impossible. If Candace had known, she would have told Felicity herself, and Joshua would not have had to go to Blanche. With new bitterness, she experienced the humiliation of having needed her own husband to tell her she was pregnant.
"Did Joshua tell you that I'm going to have a baby?" Felicity asked, watching Candace's expression carefully.
The black woman's eyes grew large, and for the first time in months she turned her full attention to what Felicity was saying. "A baby?" she repeated. Her eyes seemed to kindle to life. "When? How far along are you?" She moved quickly over to the bed and sat down beside Felicity.
"I… I don't know," Felicity admitted, acknowledging another humiliation. "How can you tell?"
In an instant, Candace became her old self, competent and capable. She asked the necessary questions and determined the answer. "I'd guess it must've happened right away, as soon as you two got married. I expect the baby will be along round about early December. Just in time for Christmas. There's so much to do," she said almost to herself. "Mr. Josh's old cradle will have to be painted, and we can start right away on making some baby clothes. A winter baby will need a fur bunting, too, and a quilt and…"
Felicity listened in amazement as Candace rattled on with her plans. It had been so long since Candace had shown enthusiasm for anything that Felicity was slightly overwhelmed. But Candace's excitement was contagious, and soon Felicity caught it.
This was, after all, her baby, too, her very own child. Fora moment she tried to imagine holding it in her arms, touching it, kissing it, suckling it at her breast. She already loved this nameless, faceless being, and he-or she-would love her in return, with complete devotion, whether or not his father did. Why should she torture herself wishing for something she did not have when she did have something so wonderful? The joy she had felt initially came flooding back as she and Candace made their plans.
If Joshua did not love her, she would always have his child. They would both love the baby, and Joshua was bound to be pleased with her when he saw how she cared for his son. Who knew, he might even come to love her after all.
"Sounds like we have company," Josh remarked, rising from his wingbacked chair to see who had come to visit them.
Felicity glanced up from her sewing and listened intently. After a moment she, too, heard the sound of a wagon in the yard. With a weary sigh, she laid aside her work and began the laborious process of hauling her heavy body out of the elaborately carved rocking chair that Joshua had ordered specially for her. The baby protested the movement with a violent kick to her r
ibs that left her breathless. Gingerly rubbing her side, Felicity could not help but smile. Little Joshua, as she liked to think of him, was particularly restless today. Perhaps he would soon be making his appearance. The thought both elated and terrified her.
As much as she longed to hold her baby in her arms-and have the ordeal of pregnancy be over-she could hardly stand the thought of childbirth with its unknown terrors. Odd how the endless scorching summer months now seemed to have flown by, bringing all too quickly the day when her child would be born. Felicity shivered, but not from the cold. Even though November would soon be over, the weather was still holding, so they had not yet even needed a fire in the evening.
"It's Blanche," Josh reported from his position by the front window.
"Of course," Felicity replied with amusement. Who else would it be? Blanche had visited her every Sunday afternoon since learning of her pregnancy. Lately, she had begun visiting at least once and sometimes twice during the week, too. Felicity had been grateful for those visits. Blanche's never-failing good cheer had helped her over more than one rough spot. She could never feel sorry for herself very long with Blanche around.
Unfortunately, Felicity had an alarming tendency to feel very sorry for herself, a tendency that came more frequently as her body grew larger. The bulkier she got, the less Joshua smiled at her. Not that he mistreated her or anything. He was still as attentive and thoughtful as ever. More so, if the truth were told.
But he simply did not want her anymore. She knew because they hadn't made love in months.
Now, of course, making love was out of the question. She was too far along. But even back when they had been able to, he had hardly ever touched her. Just as she had suspected, his consuming passion for her died the moment he learned she had conceived.
"Anybody home?" Blanche called from outside.
Josh opened the front door and stood back to allow Felicity to pass before him. "You'd better put your shawl on. It's cool out there," he advised, reaching for it.
Felicity swallowed the bitterness that rose like bile in her throat and turned so he could place the wrap around her shoulders. He was being considerate, she told herself. Yes, he couldn't let anything happen to his child, another voice replied mockingly. Shaking off her tormenting thoughts, Felicity pinned a little smile to her lips and walked slowly out onto the porch to greet her guest.
As usual, Blanche was dressed outrageously. Today she wore emerald-green watered silk. Felicity knew a moment's envy as she noted Blanche's wasp waist above the enormous bustle. Soon, she reminded herself. Very soon.
"What's the matter with you, Joshua?" Blanche demanded as she traipsed regally up the stairs. "Don't you ever feed this girl? Look at her! She looks like a string with a knot tied in it."
"A very large knot," Felicity said, placing both hands on her protruding stomach and forcing a smile.
"Oh, she eats, all right," Josh replied. "Candace says she eats so much it makes her poorly to carry it around."
Felicity glanced up in surprise at the odd tone of his voice. He was smiling, but the smile was as strained as hers. Then she saw Blanche reach out and pat his arm in a comforting gesture. "It won't be much longer now," Blanche said, but she said it to Josh, her voice soft and soothing.
The tears that were always too ready to fall nowadays sprang to her eyes. Her husband hated the way she looked, and her friend sympathized with him. Turning quickly so they would not see her crying, Felicity endeavored to make her voice sound as cheerful as possible. "Let's go inside. It's getting cold out here." She made a little business about blowing her nose once she got in the house.
"You aren't coming down with something, are you?" Blanche asked with concern.
"No, no. It's just the weather. I guess we'll need a fire tonight. Come and sit down. How have you been?" Felicity babbled, leading the way to where the chairs were grouped before the hearth.
"I'm fine, as usual," Blanche replied thoughtfully, studying Felicity intently. "The important question is, how are you?"
"Oh, fine as usual," Felicity mimicked, easing herself down into the rocking chair.
Blanche watched her before taking her own seat on the settee. Joshua, she noticed, stood hovering over Felicity until the girl was comfortably settled. Poor Joshua. If his hair hadn't already been white, this pregnancy would have turned it. He was scared to death, although Blanche doubted he would ever admit such a thing, even to himself. He probably hadn't even admitted how much he loved his wife. Blanche could tell, though. The way his eyes anxiously followed the girl's every move, the way he listened to her speak, even the way he hardly ever smiled anymore, all that and more told Blanche everything she needed to know.
Unfortunately, Felicity did not know, and she did not seem inclined to believe Blanche on the subject even though Blanche had often tried to convince her. Sometimes, like right now, Blanche had the urge to knock their heads together just to see if she could pound some sense into them. She sighed. Maybe after the baby came… "Have you settled on the names yet? You don't have too much more time left," Blanche said, falling easily into her role of entertaining visitor. Head pounding would have to wait.
As the afternoon waned, Felicity felt her mood lighten. Blanche's presence always seemed to have that effect on her. Although she did not like to admit it, she hated being alone with Joshua. His solicitude drove her to distraction, making her feel more like a prized brood mare than a wife.
And sometimes the baby made her feel like a brood mare, too, she admitted with a small smile, shifting to find a more comfortable position in the rocking chair her husband had insisted that she needed. But nothing seemed to appease little Joshua. He squirmed with renewed vigor. Feeling every bit like a turtle on its back, Felicity began the struggle of rising from her chair in hopes of easing her child's cramped position.
Blanche noticed her difficulties but had the grace not to comment on them. Felicity did not even look at Joshua for fear of seeing disgust on his face at her graceless movements. Once on her feet, she placed her hands on the small of her back and stretched to ease the aches that plagued her. The baby went still for a moment, as if grateful for the release her new posture gave him. And then he lurched.
Felicity cried out as she fell to her knees.
"Felicity!"
"Lissy!"
The voices called to her in unison, but she barely heard them.
"Are you all right?"
"What happened?"
Gentle hands grasped her, lifted her, and she was sitting in her rocking chair again. "I fell," she murmured in wonder, examining her reddened palms and noticing the way her knees throbbed from the impact.
"What happened, honey?" Blanche's voice cut into her wonderment. "You were just standing there and…"
"The baby turned over," Felicity reported, checking first Blanche's and then Joshua's expressions to see if they believed her. They did not seem to. "At least, that's what it felt like," she amended, not willing to trust her own judgment just yet. "He was wiggling around, and when I stood up, he just flipped."
"Do you hurt anywhere?" Josh asked. He looked down at her frail figure so overburdened by his child and experienced an overwhelming sense of helplessness. How foolish he had been to think he could protect her. The dangers she faced came from things he had no hope of controlling.
"My knees; I think I skinned them," she admitted reluctantly. She hated drawing further attention to her clumsiness, but her knees really did hurt.
"Well, that's not too bad," Josh said with false heartiness, giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. The thought that she might really have injured herself was making him sick to his stomach. "I'll get Candace. She'll know what to do." Eager for some privacy in which to regain control of his emotions, he hurried from the room.
"No, that's not too bad," Felicity echoed bitterly, wondering how he might have reacted if her fall had harmed the child in. some way.
"Felicity," Blanche said, drawing her attention. "Remember that I p
romised I'd stay with you when the baby came, to help Candace?"
Felicity nodded. There was no doctor, and Candace was the closest thing to a midwife in the area. Blanche would assist her when the time came.
"Well, I was just thinking. Maybe I'd better go ahead and pack up a few things and come over here to stay. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if that baby dropped out just any time now." Blanche smiled at her crude jest, but Felicity could see she was only trying to cover a genuine concern.
"Of course," Felicity readily agreed. "I'll tell Candace to fix up the guest room for you." Although what Joshua might think of the arrangements was something else again, Felicity thought. He seemed to appreciate Blanche's visits, even though he had made it clear he disapproved of her in many ways, but having her under the same roof twenty-four hours a day might be more than he could take.
"What's this I hear about you not being able to stand up straight anymore?" Candace demanded cheerfully when she bustled into the room a few moments later.
"The baby knocked her clean over," Blanche reported, stepping back to allow Candace room to work. She was carrying a small basin and a jar of salve. "I never saw anything like it."
"From the looks of her, I wouldn't be surprised if that baby comes out half-grown," Candace said, kneeling in front of Felicity.
Felicity watched them, listening to their banter with suspicion. Their mouths were smiling, but their eyes were clouded with worry. Was something wrong? She really did not want to know. She closed her own eyes so she would not have to see them exchanging meaningful glances.
Texas Blonde Page 24
