Texas Blonde

by Victoria Thompson

  A short while later, Bellwood announced Dr. Lowell, a tall, distinguished man with dark hair and a full beard, and ushered him into the parlor. When introductions were complete and everyone was seated comfortably, Dr. Lowell began, anticipating Josh and Felicity's questions.

  "Your grandfather seems to be doing well, but I am afraid that is an illusion, Mrs. Logan," he said solemnly.

  "An illusion? What do you mean?" she asked, alarmed.

  "Well, of course he is in good spirits because of your visit. I understand that he has even been out of bed…"

  "Yes, but I thought that was a good sign," Felicity said.

  Dr. Lowell shook his head. "I fear he has overextended his limited resources. What you have interpreted as a return of good health might in fact indicate just the opposite. His exertions may actually hasten his demise."

  "Oh no!" Felicity protested, horrified that she might unwittingly be the cause of her grandfather's death.

  But Dr. Lowell smiled indulgently. "Don't be unduly alarmed, Mrs. Logan," he assured her. "I only tell you this as a warning. I'm sure that if your grandfather resumes his quiet life, he will live for several more months."

  "Months?" Josh echoed, unable to believe the lively man he had met the previous day had only months left to live.

  But Dr. Lowell nodded sagely. "I'm afraid so."

  Felicity stared at the doctor. She simply could not accept such a discouraging diagnosis. She could not believe her grandfather was really dying. "Isn't there anything you can do?" she pleaded.

  But Dr. Lowell shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry. All we can do now is make his last days as pleasant as possible."

  As pleasant as possible. Felicity turned that thought over in her mind. Obviously, her presence pleased her grandfather. She would give him as much of that as he desired. And she would ask him what else she could do to make him happy. And she would…

  "Did you have any other questions?" Dr. Lowell asked solicitously.

  With difficulty, Felicity dragged her attention back to the present. Any other questions? Suddenly she recalled the real reason she had summoned Dr. Lowell in the first place. "Yes, doctor, I… I would like to ask you something else. Something personal, not about my grandfather at all," she began with growing trepidation.

  "Certainly," Dr. Lowell agreed, settling back in his chair as if prepared to stay all day and answer questions if it pleased her.

  Felicity nervously twisted her hands in her lap as she searched her mind for the proper way to start. "I had a baby a few months ago," she began, feeling the prickle of tears at the memories. "He… he was…"

  "The baby was stillborn," Josh supplied quietly, sparing her the distress of saying the words. "My wife had a very difficult time, and she almost died herself."

  Dr. Lowell nodded his understanding. His dark eyes expressed his profound sympathy.

  "What I want to know is, can I have another baby?" Felicity asked in anguish, hating the fact that she must discuss her tragedy with a stranger, but forcing herself to ignore her own pain in the hopes that this stranger might be able to help.

  Dr. Lowell considered her question for a moment. "There is no simple answer to your question, Mrs. Logan. In the first place, I would need to know many more details about your labor and delivery, the condition of the child, and so on. Then I would have to examine you-"

  "Examine me!" Felicity exclaimed. This was something she had never even considered.

  "The hell you will!" Josh contradicted, lunging to his feet.

  Dr. Lowell jumped up also, instantly defensive. "I assure you, Mr. Logan, there is nothing untoward-"

  "You aren't going to examine her, and that's all there is to it," Josh declared.

  Dr. Lowell seemed loath to argue the point. "Whatever you decide, of course," he said, backing toward the door. "If you change your mind-"

  "We won't," Josh said, arms akimbo. Dr. Lowell made a hasty exit.

  Felicity winced as the parlor door slammed shut. An examination. She wasn't sure just what an examination by a doctor would involve, having never had one before, but from Joshua's reaction, it must be quite unpleasant. How could she let a strange man look at her body, perhaps even touch it? But if that would mean she and Joshua could be together again, if it would mean they could have another child, she would endure anything. "Maybe it won't be so bad," she ventured.

  "He's not going to lay a finger on you, Felicity," Josh decreed, pacing furiously around the room. "I saw the way he looked at you. Doctor or not, he's still a man, and I won't hear of it."

  Felicity nodded numbly as she tried to sort out the ramifications of his statement. If the doctor couldn't examine her, then how would she ever find out if she could have another baby? She would never hold her own living child in her arms. The mere thought made her shudder. And if there could be no child, that meant she and Joshua could never make love again. How could they live together under those circumstances? And how long would it be before a young, healthy man like Joshua got tired of sleeping alone and sent his useless wife away? The possibilities were too horrible even to contemplate.

  "Joshua, I… I want to have another baby," she began, fighting the sting of tears. She had to change his mind about the examination.

  "Of course you do," Josh said, rushing to her side, his anger gone. "I do, too, but not if it will endanger your life," he said, going down on one knee beside her chair and taking her hands in his.

  "But we don't know whether it will or not unless the doctor examines me…"

  "Felicity, do you have any idea what that means?" he asked impatiently.

  "I… I think so," she admitted reluctantly, not wanting to think about it.

  "Are you willing to lie there, naked, and let that man put his hands on you?" Josh asked in quiet outrage at the very thought.

  The idea horrified her, but she could endure it, she knew. "But what if the doctor tells me I can have another baby?" she argued.

  "He won't," Josh said sadly.

  "How do you know?" she insisted. "Nobody knows until-"

  "I know," he insisted. "Look at me, Lissy."

  Startled by his command, Felicity stared at him.

  "Look at me," he repeated, his voice raw. "And then look at yourself. I'm twice as big as you are. That's what caused the problem in the first place. The baby, my baby, was too big for you, and it almost killed you. Don't you understand? Any baby I give you will be too big. No doctor in the world can change that."

  "Oh, Joshua," she cried as his image blurred before her. She had known that, but she simply hadn't let herself believe it before. Hearing it again from his own lips was too awful, too final, and she did not think she could bear it.

  And then his arms were around her, cradling her as she sobbed out her anguish. Somehow he lifted her and then she was in his lap, her tears soaking into his shirt. Those tears should have brought release, but instead they seemed to scald her very soul, defying even the comfort that Joshua offered.

  Josh held her fiercely, silently cursing the powers that had given them each other and then snatched away their chance at happiness. As he muffled her sobs against his chest, he wondered how much tragedy one so tiny could absorb. First she had lost her father and then their child. Then came the news about her grandfather and now this. How much could she endure without shattering?

  At that moment he would have given his life to protect her from even one more moment's misery. Unfortunately, no one was willing to make such a trade with him. "Don't cry, Ussy," he murmured into her hair as his hands tried to soothe her.

  But his attempt to comfort only made her cry harder. "I love you so much, so very much," she cried brokenly, overwhelmed by his tenderness.

  Josh closed his own eyes over the sting of tears, understanding her feelings only too well. The word "love" no longer described the depth of what he felt for her. Unable to find any words that did, he simply whispered, "I know," and held her even more tightly.

  For a long time they sat like that until F
elicity was too weak even to cry anymore. Then Joshua carried her upstairs and put her in bed. His tender solicitude sent new, silent tears trickling down her cheeks, but he wiped those away and ordered her to sleep.

  "Don't think about it anymore," he urged as he kissed her gently. "Just rest now." With that he closed the draperies and left her alone in the darkened room.

  She did not sleep and she did not forget, but after a while the pain receded enough that she thought she might be able to bear it. By evening, she had even regained her composure. She had her grandfather to consider, after all. If she wanted to make his last days pleasant, she could not spend her time weeping over something she could not change. At least she still had Joshua. That was more than many women had. Somehow they would make a good life together.

  When Joshua climbed into their bed and put his arms around her that night, she whispered, "I love you. I know everything will work out."

  He said nothing to disillusion her.

  * * *

  The thing Felicity liked best about Philadelphia was how close everything was to everything else. The first Saturday night after their fancy clothes arrived, Richard took Josh and Felicity to the Walnut Street Theater-only a short carriage ride away-to see the play Divorce.

  Josh tried not to put too much significance on the play's title, even though he could not help but notice the way Richard's original warmth toward Felicity had heated up considerably. Now that Josh saw her sitting in a box at the theater, dressed in a magnificent new gown and surrounded by Richard's fawning friends, he could easily imagine what plans Richard might be making.

  Any fool could see that Maxwell adored Felicity. If the old man really was dying-something Josh had a difficult time believing regardless of what his doctor said-he would doubtless leave the bulk of his fortune to his granddaughter. The fact that Richard coveted Maxwell's wealth was painfully obvious. The way he flaunted that wealth to impress Josh and Felicity proved it.

  Josh glanced across the box to where his wife was sitting surrounded by the young men attracted by her beauty during the intermission. And she was a beauty, even without the embellishment of the blue silk gown. Her hair glowed under the artificial lights, shining more golden than even the jewelry her aunt had insisted she wear tonight. The stones, Isabel had said, were sapphires. They were set into an intricate filigree and flashed now at Felicity's ears and throat. But the cold beauty of the stones could not compare with the dazzling sparkle of Felicity's even bluer eyes as she laughed happily at some jest one of her admirers had made.

  Like the sapphire stones which showed to better advantage in their golden settings, Felicity, too, showed well in this setting. Her dress, the color of a robin's egg, was cut low to reveal the lush curve of her bosom and cut tight to emphasize the supple slenderness of her body. The skinny little girl he had found out on the prairie was gone forever, replaced by the exquisite creature before him.

  Josh reflected sardonically that he had once vowed never to fall in love with her. How idiotic such a notion seemed now as he watched perfect strangers succumbing to her spell. He had been doomed from the first moment, from the instant she had fainted into his arms. The irony of it was that his love could only bring her suffering… and possibly even death.

  He wasn't a fool. He knew that the two of them could not live together for long without making love. Sooner or later it would happen again, just as it had happened once already. That time they had been lucky and Felicity had not conceived, but would they be lucky the next time? Taking her back to Texas with him might cost her life.

  He did have a choice, of course. He could leave her here, to a life of luxury with Maxwell. And Winthrop. Seeing her here, dressed in fine clothes and surrounded by luxury, made him realize how easily she would adapt to this kind of life. With Winthrop. at her side, she would ease effortlessly into Philadelphia society. The thought of her and Winthrop together tore through him like the sharp blade of a knife, and the pain grew worse when he realized that Felicity would have nothing to fear from Winthrop. Any whelp that bastard begot would, of necessity, be a runt.

  "Mr. Logan?" a female voice asked. He turned back to the lady sitting beside him. She had entered the box with a male companion who was now paying court to Felicity, but the lady seemed unconcerned over that fact. "I asked you about your ranch. Exactly how large is it?" She gave him a simpering smile and fluttered her fan coyly.

  She really was an attractive woman, Josh noted objectively. Flirtatious, too. And she probably thought him a complete boor for ignoring her to stare at his own wife. "That's hard to say, ma'am," he replied perfunctorily. "You can cover it end to end in one day if you have a fast horse, though."

  Her fan fluttered again as her eyes widened in a manner calculated to please his male pride. "Good heavens, as big as all that?" she exclaimed breathlessly. "You must tell me all about it."

  At the moment, Josh could think of nothing he wanted to do less, but he obliged the lady. If he was not exactly enthusiastic, if the lady now thought him boring, too, that was her problem. Josh simply could not work up any zeal for impressing another woman, not when his own wife was so obviously making an impression of her own.

  Felicity glanced up to catch Josh staring at her, his gray eyes shuttered to conceal his inner thoughts. He did not look pleased, but even frowning, he was the most handsome man in the room, especially dressed in the new evening clothes. She had hardly recognized him in such elegant attire, but then she had hardly recognized her own reflection staring back from the mirror, either. Everything about this evening was like a dream, including the group of young men who were intent on amusing her. The only thing that seemed real was Joshua's frown.

  It made her uneasy, knowing as she did that he would be watching her for signs that this kind of life tempted her the way it had tempted his mother. Then she wondered if perhaps there was more to it than that. Perhaps he was a little jealous about the attention she was getting from the young men. The thought stirred her, awakening a new feeling of feminine power. Even though he had not said the words for a long time, he did care for her, he did love her. She would cling to that thought. She flashed Joshua a reassuring smile before turning back to the young man who was addressing her.

  On Sunday afternoon Richard took them for a ride out to Fairmount Park. As they crossed the Girard Avenue Bridge which spanned the wide Schuylkill River, Richard gave them a running history of the development of the park. He explained that earlier in the century, the city council had become concerned over maintaining the quality of the city's water. In 1855, they had annexed Robert Morris's estate at Lemon Hill, along with thirty-three additional acres, to the existing Fairmount Water Works. From this land, they created an extensive public park which served the dual purpose of protecting the water supply and providing a natural haven for all those who lived in the city.

  As they left the racket and clamor of the city behind and entered the quiet verdancy of the park, Felicity began to understand the necessity for such a place of refuge.

  "And that is the Zoological Society," Richard said, pointing out a large area below them dotted with various buildings and enclosures.

  "What is a Zoological Society?" Felicity asked, trying to decide if the buildings really did have bars on them.

  Richard laughed indulgently. "It's a zoo," he explained. At her blank look, he added, "They keep wild animals there so people can come and look at them."

  "How cruel!" Felicity said, thinking of the poor animals cooped up in cages like that.

  A little nonplussed, Richard tried another tack. "But the animals are very well treated. When the weather is a little warmer, we'll go see them. Then you'll understand. Just think of all the city people who would never get to see animals otherwise."

  "Do city people really need to see wild animals?" Felicity asked, interested to note that Richard had no answer.

  He was silent for a long time, making Josh realize that this was the first time he had seen Richard at a loss for words. As much a
s he disliked Felicity's cousin, Josh understood that his dislike stemmed from the natural animosity he would feel toward any man who rivaled him for Felicity's affection. In another situation, he might not have found Richard's company so offensive. The man was certainly a perfect host and a knowledgeable conversationalist. If he hadn't been quite so handsome and charming-and quite so obviously enamored of Felicity-Josh could easily have tolerated him.

  Under other circumstances, Josh might even have liked Philadelphia. Although he did not care for the congestion and noise of the city, he did enjoy the activities available in such a place. And now that he had seen this beautiful park, he could even understand why people might consent to live here.

  "This is where the Centennial Exposition will be held," Richard announced triumphantly, piquing Josh's interest in the jumble of half-completed buildings and construction materials that had just come into view.

  Felicity drew a blank until she recalled something Blanche had told her. "Oh yes, the fair to celebrate America's centennial," she exclaimed, peering out the carriage window. But the confusion before her gave no indication of the glorious triumph Blanche had foretold. "I thought it was going to open soon," she said.

  "Well, it was supposed to open in April, but they've moved the date to May now, because of construction delays," Richard explained, giving the buildings another, more serious, inspection. Secretly, he agreed with Felicity's assessment that the fair still did not look anywhere near ready for the scheduled May 10 opening date. The first of March was already past. "Well, well come for the opening-day festivities, and you will see for yourself that Philadelphia can rise to any challenge," he said with false bravado. "They say that President Grant himself is coming to cut the ribbon."

  "You mean General Grant?" Josh could not resist asking, reminding Richard that Grant was not well loved in all parts of the country.

  "They say that the main building is the largest in the world," Richard reported with a strained smile. Although he was flushing slightly, he refused to acknowledge Josh's barb. "And every country in Europe will have a building displaying their industry and achievements."