The Desire to Touch

by Taylor, N

  My eyes are still closed and I am still taken aback from the kiss but I nod at him, “Food I can do.”

  “Can you run?”

  “No.”

  “Tough!” Trey takes my hand and pulls me into a quick walk, we reach the opening of the alley and he scans the street quickly before pulling me into a gentle jog.

  Oh wow, this just confirms what I’ve always thought, exercise and I are not now, or ever, going to be friends.

  It feels like we have been running for at least half an hour with my bandy legs flying all over the place as I attempt to run at his pace, which he has so obviously slowed down for me. I look at him and see that he’s biting his lip trying to suppress the urge to laugh his arse off at me.

  My phone starts ringing in my hand and I look and see its Lucas, I cancel it as I can’t run and talk.

  “How long have we been running?” I puff.

  “Five minutes,” he sniggers.

  Of course I can go on no more and I am currently breathing out of my behind, I stop outside a chain link fence and grasp onto it trying to catch my breath.

  “You know if you stopped your ‘dangerous’ habit you’d be healthier.”

  “Oh shh you!” I crouch down trying to catch my breath.

  “You should come to the gym with me, I’ll knock you into shape.” He laughs leaning against the fence.

  “You calling me fat?”

  “No…never I just…you…” he stutters.

  “Nope!” I raise my hand to silence him, “the damage is done.” I feign anger but can’t resist seeing the worried look on his face and start laughing.

  I hear a young girl scream and turn to look through the fence.

  “Shit! Ellie we need to move now!”

  I realise I’m looking at a high school carwash and what seems like hundreds of screaming teenagers running in our direction, I look to Trey and I can see the panic on his face.

  “Ellie please!” but it’s too late, the hoard of gaggling teenagers has engulfed him and before my very eyes I see the transformation from the man I know to the movie star Diva. His posture, facial expression and even tone change.

  Fuck him - he can deal with them for a bit, I think it’s only a fair kind of payback.

  My Angel has appeared and is shaking her head disapprovingly – ‘Sod off Tinkerbell!’

  “Excuse me, what are you raising money for?” I stand myself up and ask one of the girls closest to me.

  “Little Miss Perky turns to me as if I’ve just stamped on her puppy and snaps, “Cheerleading championships!”

  “Silly me, of course it is.” I mumble.

  She turns back to the crowd and tries to get closer. I walk into the lot where four cars are parked up ready to be done – Well, they’re going to have a long wait now.

  A man is sitting in the corner on a deck chair and doing nothing to help the girls clean, I will assume he is the parent who got the short straw.

  “Hi,” I smile over at him and he meets my grin and waves a hand in return.

  I enquire how much they’ve raised already and he tells me they’ve got $300 but they need to make $500 for costs, I look to Trey and he is being so swamped by the girls I almost feel sorry for him. My Angel appears ‘He normally has security, what if something happens to him?’

  ‘Shit!’ Damn it, she’s right again some part of me really likes him a lot and I wouldn’t want to see him hurt. I ask the man if he can organise the girls and maybe we could get a group shot of them all, the man agrees that would be great if we could, so we head over towards the mass of screaming hormones.

  I stand next to the man who bellows at the top of his voice for some order, the girls reluctantly stop and turn to him.

  “Miss…” he looks to me.

  “Jones.”

  “Miss Jones here has asked if you would like a group shot taken.”

  I look at Diva Trey and he raises an eyebrow at me, I just wink at him. The girls giggle and automatically get into a formation with Trey in the centre, there are a few scuffles at who wants to be next to him but he stands like a pro and poses for the shot. The man disappears to get a camera and returns with haste.

  “Do you mind?” he asks, handing me the camera. I laugh because I didn’t realise he wanted to join the gaggle of girls. I dutifully stand and take about twenty five snaps so they have a choice to choose from.

  “Sorry ladies, we have to leave now,” Trey says and a loud chorus of sobs and weeps follow from the girls.

  I get close to him and suggest maybe it would be good to give a donation, well it’s not like he can’t afford it.

  I start to walk out of the lot that Trey had been harassed into, I turn to see if Trey is following and he hands something over to the chaperone and walks towards me.

  I turn around and see the man waving at us,

  “Thank you so much Mr. Thomas!”

  “Now can we leave?” he turns back and waves, the usual squeals follow as we walk away from the lot.

  “Yes,” I laugh, “you owe me.”

  “You stole my line again.”

  We walk along past a few shops that are closed and there seems to be no danger of him attempting to hold my hand so I hold my cardigan tightly around me as I start to feel the chill of the evening air.

  “Thanks for that.”

  I look at him and smile, “Not in events organising for nothing you know.”

  “Though it would’ve been better if we’d just left when I said.” He shakes his head.

  Huh?

  “Look I’m sorry but it used to really piss me off when fans would camp out all night to see their hero and the bugger would arrive and ignore them, you wouldn’t be who you are without them.”

  “I know that, I just hate being in those situations without Michael or some sort of security there.”

  My phone starts ringing again and it’s Lucas for the second time, I silence it and try to remember to call him back ASAP.

  I didn’t ask to be running along here that was his idea and I can’t help that I’m unfit! I start to feel my little friend awkwardness has appeared and has got my defenses up, I cross my arms as we continue walking.

  I try to break the ice, “It was nice of you to give them the money though.”

  “I didn’t really have a choice, did I?”

  “Sorry, I won’t interfere again.”

  He grunts and pushes me into a doorway.

  “What?” I shriek, I fear my other friend has joined the party.

  “Why do you do that?” he grumbles pinning me against a vacant shop door.

  “Do what?” Yes, shakes and tears starting to form now.

  “You’re always criticising yourself! One minute you say one thing and the next you’re apologising for it.”

  “You’ve known me three days, not really long enough to pass judgment!” Oh yes, Snappy and Defensive join the party – seven dwarfs eat your heart out.

  “Hey,” He gets in closer, still pinning me in place, “It was just an observation.”

  “Sorry…” I stop as that’s a classic example. My phone rings again and without looking at who it is I answer thankful for the interruption.

  “Hello?”

  “Lucas has been trying to get hold of you!”

  “Afternoon Meagan.”

  Trey pulls away and quickly scans the street to make sure he’s not being followed again.

  “Don’t afternoon me, where are you? We started to panic.”

  “He tried me twice and I’m ok, I was busy.”

  “Well that’s two more missed calls than normal for you, where are you?”

  “I’m not sure we just went for a drive.”

  “We? Who’s we…Trey?” She sighs.

  I stay silent thinking ‘please don’t probe me right now because I will snap’.

  “Ellie really, after last night?”

  “I’ll explain later.” Please, please leave it at that.

  “Well whatever, Lucas is in trouble a
nd he needs your help.”

  “Oh God what now? Crazy stalker and I have to act as the girlfriend?” I laugh but see Trey’s eyes narrow as he glances at me.

  “No, he screwed the singer from the Sinatra set, you know the one with the awful laugh from a few months back. You must remember, she’s in your face all the time and has no appreciation for personal space when she’s talking to you. Remember?”

  “Her?”

  “Yes her.”

  “Well I’m not surprised.”

  “She’s pregnant.”

  My mouth hits the floor, “No. Way.” I mouth ‘Sorry’ to Trey and he signals me to follow him. Picking my mouth up off the floor I follow him down the street listening to Meagan.

  “Anyway, she’s refusing to do the set tonight and it’s just the one song. Jerry is going to kill Lucas if he can’t replace her, he’s got ‘friends’ attending tonight.”

  Jerry’s friends will be as dodgy as Jerry’s perm.

  “So what does he want me for?”

  “You used to sing Ellie, you can help him!”

  “Used to being the definitive word Meagan,” a shiver runs through my spine.

  “But I told him you could.”

  “Well, you shouldn’t have.”

  “Ellie for fuck’s sake, this is life or death and you know I wouldn’t ask otherwise.”

  “Meagan!” It still shocks me when she swears as she rarely says worse than the word ‘crap’ unless she’s really angry.

  The duo have appeared again and Angel girl is giving me the thumbs up whereas Devil girl is shaking her head unhappily.

  “Fine just this once and only as he is in real need!”

  “Oh, thank you,” she screams I pull the phone away to protect my ear drum, “You’ll need to get here for seven for rehearsal, costume, hair and makeup!”

  I tut, “but…”

  “Love you.” She hangs up and I stop in my tracks.

  Trey looks at me, “Everything ok?”

  “Not really a friend needs my help and I need to get to Hooch’s.”

  “Ok?” he eyes me suspiciously.

  “Sorry.”

  “That’s ok, but what’s this about being his girlfriend?”

  What? Hello Mr. Friend that can’t be seen or touch you in public. Hang on was it can’t or doesn’t want to? I look at him confused.

  “We can eat first right?” he asks, more out of worry.

  “I don’t think I can,” I look at my phone it’s 6:25pm, “I have to be there for seven.”

  “Sounds urgent then.” He hisses.

  “It is,” the desire to touch him is overpowering, just to hold his hand but I resist.

  Trey gets out his phone and scans the streets, “The benches on Park Avenue…ok two minutes.” He snaps his phone shut and places it back in his pocket.

  “We’ll wait over there by the benches near the park, the car will be here in a minute or two.”

  I follow him the whole time just wishing I could hold his hand and know he’s not angry with me.

  As we reach the seating area the White Audi arrives with the roof up, Michael follows dutifully behind.

  “Your chariot awaits,” he says opening the door.

  “Thank you,” I smile at him but I still sense the tension is hanging between us.

  The waiter jumps out of the driver side and Trey hands him something I can’t see but I guess its cash.

  “Thanks Russ.”

  “Anytime, she’s a sweet drive.” He smiles at me then takes off on foot back towards the restaurant.

  Trey puts his foot down and we pull away from the curb at speed, “So what is the emergency?”

  “It’s my friend Lucas.”

  “Ah Julian mentioned his name, boyfriend?”

  “No, no God no. He’s my closest friend other than Meagan.”

  “Right and?”

  “He’s got a girl into trouble and needs a sympathetic shoulder.”

  “Right, I see.” He says distracted.

  Before I know it we are back on the freeway heading towards New York City, the silence is unnerving and I wonder if he’s jealous?

  “Are you jealous?” Oh shit did I just ask that, I look out of the window to hide my shock.

  “Not at all.”

  I look at him out of the corner of my eye and he has a bewildered look upon his face.

  Ok then….

  I look at the city skyline as it grows bigger the closer we get, Trey places his hand on my knee as we continue the journey in silence but he still has the bewildered look upon his gorgeously chiseled face.

  ###

  We pull up outside Hooch’s and Trey turns to me,

  “I wish I could work you out, I want to know you, I mean really know you.”

  What the hell?

  “Trust me the feeling is more than mutual, I could say the same about you!”

  “You only let me in so far though Ellie, why?”

  My stomach starts to knot and the bile from my stomach starts to rise again – if it keeps on like this I may have to get checked for reflux or an ulcer.

  “We’ve known each other three days and to be honest I don’t even know what we are.”

  “I thought we were friends, aren’t we?” he looks surprised.

  “There you go then, we are friends and you don’t need to know more,” I struggle not to spit the bile at him through hurt.

  “I’ll see you around.” I hiss at him climbing out of the car and walking toward the entrance of Hooch.

  “Ellie, please you don’t understand I…”

  Meagan shouts at me cutting him off, I soften my appearance as she approaches and throws her arms around me.

  “Thank God you’re here, seriously Lucas is nearly in tears, I’ve never seen him like this.”

  I turn to Trey who is still in the car watching so I wave and force a smile, he gets out of the car and goes to speak but I take that as my cue to walk away. Meagan links arms with me and walks with me to the entrance.

  “Oh I forgot something, I’ll catch you up in a minute.” She runs back out of the club and I continue backstage to try and find Lucas.

  I head straight for his dressing room and find him sat in front of the mirror with his head in his hands.

  “Hey,” I call as I lean against the doorway, it feels so horrible seeing the man whose emotions can’t be touched, looking a mess. Lucas lifts his head and turns to look at me, he jumps up from his chair and runs to me, throwing his arms around me and holding me so very tight. “It’ll be ok, you’ll get through this.”

  “What have I done?” Lucas looks at me and tears prick up in his eyes.

  “You’ve followed human nature Lucas, how did you find out?”

  “Meagan was with me helping me sort the set and Becky came in, she just blurted it out.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Asked if it was mine and she left.”

  “Ouch Lucas, probably not the best thing to ask.”

  I reach up and hold his face in my hands, “What the fuck am I going to do Ellie? I’m twenty five, I’m nowhere near ready to be a dad.”

  “Well, first things first we are going to do this performance before Jerry has you shot, then we are going to sit down and you’re going to call her and talk.”

  “I want to run,” a tear falls down his cheek.”

  “I know you do more than anyone I know, but you won’t, you can’t run from this and pretend to be happy. Lucas you can’t be a slag all your life,” I smile, “Once you’ve talked you can then decide what’s best but for now you can’t make any rash decisions. Has it ever crossed your mind that you may actually like someone for more than the five minutes you normally give them?”

  He looks at me, nods and wipes the tear from his cheek.

  “Now – you really want me to attempt not to sound like a strangled cat?”

  He walks over to the table and grabs a bow tie, “Meagan sings your praises and you know I trust her implicitl
y, as I do you.”

  I laugh, “Doesn’t mean I’ll be any good.”

  “She said you used to sing in a club?”

  “Yeah it was a weekly thing I was given a spot, though I think anyone who could hold a tune was given one so don’t think I’m some kind of superstar.”

  “Not what Meagan says,” He fusses with the tie, “She said it was always packed when you were on. How come you stopped?”

  I look down at my cardigan cuff and play with it, “Rick.”

  “Oh. No explanation needed doll.”

  I take a deep breath and walk up to do his tie, “He said that when ever I sang, I sang for him.” The bile rises again, I’m going to have to see a doctor for this! “That night he tried to take my voice too so no one else would ever hear it.”

  “Deep.”

  “Very,” I swallow and try to carry on as normal. “Come on then, where do you want me?”

  “Are you sure you’re going to be ok to do this, then?” He palms the top of his hair smoothing it out again.

  “Got to get back on the horse at some point, eh?”

  “Well we don’t have time to practice now, I’m so sorry to throw you in at the deep end. It’s ok though, you’ll be sitting next to me and you can just sing at my side.”

  Lucas knows me so well, to give himself as a shield for me to use means a lot.

  “Your outfit is over there,” he points to a rail that holds various outfits and dresses, “You’re wearing the black and white sixties dress.”

  I pick it up and stare at the skimpy Mary Quant style dress debating how I’m going to get into it.

  “I don’t know if this will fit?” I look at him worried.

  “Sure it will, just suck in when you zip up.”

  “Ok…but wouldn’t it be more relevant if you told me what song we are singing as I may need to rehearse by myself in the hour we have left.”

  “Sorry yes it’s ‘Something Stupid’, the good old Sinatra duet.”

  “Great, that’s a hard one to do without practicing, I better get learning.”

  He finishes in the mirror and grabs my shoulders, “Like I said I trust you both, on the plus if you’re really awful I suppose we could turn it into a comedy act.”

  “Ha! Hold on to that thought.”