The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  “Not every guy needs a girl in his bed to be happy.” Ben chimed in. But as usual, Josh ignored him.

  “You should ask a girl out.” Josh suggested to me.

  I thought about that. I’d gotten to know several cute girls at this school. But I just didn’t have any desire to be with them. Not sexually or romantically or anything. They mostly seemed like friends, and nothing more.

  “No, man.” I smiled modestly, “I don’t really like anyone.”

  He shrugged. “Suit yourself. While I’m out having glorious sex, you’ll be stuck at home with your gay roommate.”

  I think I’d prefer to be stuck at home with Ryan anyway. He was good company. And thankfully, things hadn’t become awkward between me and him after our sexual encounter. We’d completely moved on from it. Well... he had.

  But I didn’t say anything to Josh about Ryan. Josh had this thing against gays. I’m not sure what it was. Upon meeting Ryan, Josh flinched when they shook hands, as if Ryan was spreading his sexuality like a disease.

  However, I did somewhat consider what Josh suggested about asking out a girl. Maybe if I started dating, I would be able to forget about having sex with Ryan. It seemed like a good enough plan. So for the next few days, I kept my eyes open for girls that I found attractive. Admittedly, I didn’t see very many. I guess I was just very picky about the girls I liked. But there was one that I took notice of.

  I was in the library when I first saw her. I was sitting at a table with my laptop, grateful to have a quiet place to write my essay. But when I looked up and saw her sitting a few tables away, I got distracted. It was probably because of her striking hair. She’d dyed it an unnatural shade of orange-red, so bright that she completely stood out from everyone else in the library. She had elegantly white skin and extremely long eyelashes. Her face was dainty, with small lips and a pointy nose.

  She was bent over a book but I could tell she wasn’t trying to cram for an exam or anything. She was simply reading and studying casually. And she was alone. A perfect opportunity to talk to her.

  Throwing caution to the wind, I closed my laptop, stood, and moved to her table.

  She looked up at me briefly. Her eyes were dazzling green. I don’t think I knew anyone with green eyes.

  “Hey.” I said, smiling. I’d been told that girls fell head-over-heels for my smile.

  “Hey...” She smiled back, her eyes widening at me.

  “Can I sit here?” I asked, sitting anyway without waiting for her response.

  “Sure.”

  “You just looked lonely.” I said jokingly.

  She laughed.

  “I’m James.” I thrust out my hand to shake hers.

  She laughed again, but this time it was more of a girlish giggle. “I’m Loryn.” She said, shaking my hand.

  “What are you studying?” I asked.

  “Um...” She bit her lip, still smiling. Her cheeks were as flaming red as her hair. “Just stupid stuff for my chem class.”

  “Chem, huh?” I hated science. “That sucks.”

  “It’s not so bad.” She shrugged.

  We stared at each other and there was a somewhat awkward silence. I couldn’t believe I was actually trying to flirt with this girl I’d just met. Sure, she was pretty. And her fiery red hair suggested that she was adventurous and fun. I wanted to get to know her. But something was stopping me, and I couldn’t tell what.

  “So, Loryn...” I leaned back in my chair. “What’s your major?”

  “Well... I’m undeclared right now.” She looked off into the distance. “But I’d like to do...something artsy. Photography... or something.”

  “That sounds cool.” I nodded.

  “What about you?” She asked.

  “I’m undeclared too.” I told her, “My parents want me to major in business. Just because it’s practical, you know? But I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Probably not business.”

  She nodded in agreement. “Sounds a bit boring.”

  “Yeah...”

  “Who do you hang out with?” Loryn asked, as if trying to figure out where she might’ve seen me before.

  “Mostly just my roommate, Ryan McMahon.” I said, “And a few other guys...”

  “I feel like I know that name from somewhere.” She said, pondering, “What’s your last name?”

  “Radine.” I answered.

  “James Radine...” She hummed thoughtfully, “Maybe I’ve seen you around.”

  “I think I would remember you if I’d seen you before.” I said flirtatiously, “Your bright red hair would’ve stuck in my memory.”

  Loryn laughed and twirled a lock of that hair around her finger.

  “I just dyed it the other day.” She explained, “It used to be blonde.”

  “Well I like it.” I smiled.

  Suddenly, something reminded me of Ryan. I don’t know what it was. For all I know it could’ve been her red hair reminding me of the red shirt he wore last weekend. Who the hell knows. But I suddenly got a sick feeling in my stomach. I was talking to Loryn, with the intention of flirting with her. I was about to ask for her number. But I couldn’t.

  I’d given everything to Ryan. I’d had sex with him, and then I’d just dropped it like it meant nothing to me? Of course it had meant something. That’s why my stomach was twisting like a snake inside me. And the thing that really bothered me was the fact that I’d done the same thing with the other people I’d had sex with (besides Lindsey), and none of them had caused me to feel this way. Because having sex with Selena and Alex and the girl from Hunter Lincoln’s party wasn’t meaningful to me. It meant nothing. But the sex with Ryan had meant something.

  How could I just abandon that feeling?

  I looked at Loryn, this new girl with fiery red hair, and suddenly I didn’t want to get to know her anymore.

  “Well maybe I’ll see you around.” I said to her, standing.

  “Okay...” She looked disappointed that I was leaving. But I couldn’t stand to sit at this table any longer.

  “Bye Loryn.” I waved as I walked away, giving her that smile that apparently girls like.

  “Bye James...” She waved back.

  I headed out of the library and across campus, wanting to cry the entire time. My feet subconsciously led me to Nickerson Hall while my mind was preoccupied. Why did this entire situation make me feel this way? My eyes were watering up, for god’s sake. Since when did I cry about this kind of thing?

  But that’s just it. I’ve never faced this kind of situation before. It’s all new.

  The sun was setting and the trees on campus looked beautiful in the evening light. It was chilly, so I zipped up my jacket. I put my hood up to hide my face, so that I wouldn’t have to run into any friends on the way back to my dorm. The campus wasn’t too crowded, since most people were in the cafeteria for dinner or in their rooms doing homework or in their evening classes. I was thankful for the emptiness around me.

  How the hell had I ended up in this mess? It was just one night, where I’d been stupid and drunk and curious. I’d let one fun little experiment turn into utter turmoil inside me. And the worst part was that Ryan didn’t have a clue how I was feeling. We’d promised to never talk about it again, and I was pretty sure he had almost forgotten about it all. At least, it didn’t affect his day-to-day life like it did mine.

  Why did I think about that night so much? Why was it so important to me? Why had it felt good, and why did I think Ryan was cute or adorable at times?

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  I was so scared that I had to let a tear escape before I arrived back at Nickerson. But my eyes were mostly dry by the time I made it to room 125.

  Fuck.

  I expected that Ryan would be out and about with friends, maybe at dinner. But he was sitting on his bed, reading a goddamn book. I did not want to be near him right now.

  “Hey.” He said, smiling when he saw me.

  But he knew something was wrong. He
just knows things.

  “What’s wrong?” He asked immediately, his smile fading to a worried expression.

  I didn’t answer. I set my backpack down on the floor and stripped my jacket off. I turned towards the bathroom, wanting to take a nice hot shower to relax myself. But before I could make it there, Ryan stopped me.

  “James...” He said warningly, “What’s wrong?”

  I turned and stared at him, ready to yell for no good reason. I wanted to scream at him for making me so confused. It was his fault after all! If he hadn’t agreed to having sex with me, I wouldn’t be in this mess! If he wasn’t so goddamn adorable...

  Anger clenched every muscle in my body. I wanted to beat the shit out of the stupid queer. Maybe if he wasn’t such a fucking fag, none of this would’ve happened.

  “What?” He asked defensively when he saw my angry expression.

  We stared at each other in silence, my anger growing fiercer by the second.

  “What?” He shouted angrily.

  And in one millisecond, the anger turned into desire.

  Without thinking, without knowing what I was doing, without knowing his name or my name or where I was or what was happening, I stalked towards where he was sitting on his bed and kissed him. He resisted me at first, but quickly gave in. I crawled on top of him, pouring every feeling I had into his body. I thrust the book from his hands and chucked it across the room as hard as I could. Fuck that book, we’re making love tonight.

  We kissed passionately, and I longed for more. I disconnected myself from his lips just long enough so I reached down to unbutton his pants.

  “James...” He said, confusion and worry in his eyes.

  “Shut up.” I whispered, kissing him forcefully once more.

  He placed a hand on my chest and pushed me away. “No, don’t tell me to shut up!” He said.

  I sighed exasperatedly. Why did he have to be so difficult? I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I knew what I wanted. I wanted to scream at him to stop being stubborn and just let me fuck him all night long.

  But I knew Ryan. And I knew that he was sensitive. He would need some kind of assurance. He would need an explanation. Or else he’d refuse to have sex with me.

  “Just...” I sighed again, “Please. Just let me...”

  He stared at me with eyes that I couldn’t read as hard as I tried.

  “Are you...confused, James?” He asked.

  I knew what he meant. He was asking if I was questioning my sexuality.

  Fuck him for knowing everything.

  “We’ll talk about it later.” I said. I kissed him again, not taking no for an answer.

  “James...” He gasped from underneath my lips.

  “We’ll talk about it later.” I repeated, almost growling with need.

  We stared at each other for a long moment. Finally, he nodded. I could tell he was hesitant, but he still seemed sure of himself.

  I put my hands on him and shoved my tongue down his throat. He reciprocated. In just a few minutes, all of our clothing was shed. It was fast and passionate and rough. So unlike last time. And this time, he didn’t just ride my cock. I took over all dominance and fucked him. Hard. I wasn’t worried about hurting him. I knew he could take it. What I was worried about were the people next door hearing us. He was so loud that I constantly had to shush him with kisses, and even still he would moan underneath them.

  Just like last time, he said my name and I nearly melted. But this time he didn’t just say it once. He screamed it several times, and it drove me insane.

  When we both finally came, it was the best goddamn thing I’d ever felt in my entire life. It was every good feeling I’d ever felt combined and multiplied by a million. And I’m sure it was the same for him. I held him in my arms while we both caught our breath, and he was actually shivering and twitching in the aftermath of his orgasm. I couldn’t believe the effect it had on his body. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me.

  As we both relaxed, and the dazed feeling wore off, I started realizing what had just happened. Ryan and I had broken our promise to never do it again. We’d had sex for a second time, and it had been even better than the first. I was actually holding a boy in my arms. And I loved it.

  Fuck. I wanted to cry again, I was so confused.

  “So...what the hell just happened?” Ryan asked, still leaning his head on my chest.

  “I don’t know.” I whispered.

  He looked up at me. “Are you okay?” He asked sincerely.

  “I don’t know.” I repeated.

  He propped his head up on his elbow so he could look at me.

  “James...”

  Why does it nearly kill me every time he says my name like that?

  “You know you can talk to me about this.” He said softly.

  I looked away from his gaze.

  “So...what? You’re confused about your sexuality?” He asked, “Because it’s okay if you are. I can certainly understand that. This... doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay.”

  “I’m not.” I said forcefully, “I’m not gay. And I’m not confused. I’m fine.”

  Lies, lies, lies.

  Ryan stared at me for a moment, and then gently leaned over and kissed me. His lips were so soft, and he moved them so skillfully. His tongue was slick against my lips.

  Finally he pulled away. “Did you like that?” He asked.

  “Yes.” I admitted.

  “Then you’re confused.” He said, looking playfully annoyed with me.

  “Okay...maybe I am.” I said, my cheeks filling with color.

  “But that’s okay.” He assured me, “It’s natural to question yourself at least once in your life. You could be totally straight. Who knows?”

  I seriously doubted it, with the way the sex with Ryan made me feel.

  “I can help you figure this out.” He said, “We can talk about it whenever you want.”

  It would be nice to get some answers, to talk to Ryan about it. After all, he definitely knew what he was talking about when it came to discovering your sexuality. But I didn’t just want to talk about it. I wanted more.

  “Talking’s good. But...” I sighed, embarrassed, “Do you think we could...experiment from time to time?”

  He laughed at me and I blushed even harder. But it was just playful teasing, and I knew that.

  “We’ve already done it twice, how many more times do you need?” Ryan asked.

  I shrugged. “I feel like...the more times we do it, the more sense this’ll all make to me.” I truly believed that. I wasn’t just trying to trick him into having sex with me more often. I sincerely thought that it would help me figure things out.

  “I don’t know, James...”

  “We don’t have to be in a relationship or commit to each other or do anything like that.” I assured him, “It would just be sex. That’s it. A friends-with-benefits kind of thing.”

  “I usually don’t do that sort of thing...” He told me, “I’m a relationship kind of guy.”

  “But it’ll help me figure things out.” I argued.

  He sighed. “Okay fine.”

  I didn’t expect him to give in so quickly.

  “But only cause I’m your best friend.” He said, “And if I ever want to stop, we have to stop. Deal?”

  I nodded.

  Without saying anything more, he kissed me.

  And we continued to have sex. Every night. For three weeks.

  Chapter Five

  .

  On a Wednesday night in early November, after having sex with Ryan for the umpteenth time, we lay in bed together to just talk. This was unusual for us. Normally after sex, he’d kiss me goodnight and we’d go to sleep in our own separate beds. But tonight was different. And I wasn’t about to object.

  At first we were silent, simply laying there and staring at each other. But then he spoke.

  “How’ve you been feeling... you know...” He blushed, “About being gay and everything.”
/>
  I’d been dreading this conversation. I knew it was going to come up some time, but I had been putting it off. I don’t know why I’d avoided the topic so much, but the idea of talking to Ryan about my sexuality scared me.

  “I don’t know.” I answered simply. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “I mean...” He sighed, a hint of exasperation on his face, “We’re having sex every night. You seem to be... liking it. And you don’t seem to have any desire to stop. So... have you started to figure things out? Or are we still...you know... experimenting?”

  “We’re experimenting, okay?” I said through my teeth, frustrated. I don’t know why talking about it upset me so much. But just the fact that he brought it up completely shifted my mood.

  “Cause... you know you can talk to me about it.” Ryan said, placing a hand on my cheek. This was a habit of his. He would act affectionate towards me from time to time. Never during the day or in front of other people. But just before or after sex, he would give me kisses on the cheek or hold my hand or stroke my cheek like he was doing now. I couldn’t tell if it bothered me or not.

  “I know.” I responded, “I’m just...confused still.”

  “That’s okay.” He said, “But maybe if we talk you can figure some things out. I mean, I’ve been through exactly what you’re going through.”

  “No.” I argued, “Not exactly. I’m not gay.” I narrowed my eyes accusatorially.

  He looked hurt, and I felt guilty almost immediately. “Well if you’re not gay, why are you having sex with a guy every night?” He asked, glaring right back.

  I thought about that for a moment. Why was I still experimenting with Ryan? I hadn’t really thought about my sexuality all that much. I was basically just doing it because it felt good. It had turned into something completely different than I expected. It was as if Ryan and I were best friends by day and lovers by night. But that thought disgusted me. I didn’t want to have a gay lover.

  I’m straight. This is wrong.

  I didn’t think much about the fact that I could be gay. It just didn’t seem like an option to me. I’d gone back and forth thinking that I was bi one moment, and then convincing myself that I was straight the next. But I had never really considered what that meant.