The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  He looked offended. “You’re done?”

  “I’m not gay.” I explained, “So there’s no point in having sex with you anymore.”

  He let out a sharp laugh. “I’m sorry James, but I’m pretty sure you liked having sex with me.”

  “Yeah and you said that there could be a number of reasons for that. You said it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m gay.”

  “Every night for weeks we had sex. You had no intention of stopping.”

  “I was confused. Now I’m not.”

  “Oh, now you’re suddenly not confused anymore?” He asked.

  “I figured things out!” I shouted exasperatedly.

  We were arguing now. I could tell. Our dialogue was moving quicker and our voices were getting louder. I thought this would be easy. I thought I could just tell him I was done, and he would understand. He normally understood things like that. He was a very understanding person. So why was he so offended and upset?

  “Since when did you figure things out?” He asked, throwing his hands up.

  “A few weeks ago.”

  “Is that why you kept saying ‘I’m tired’ or ‘I don’t feel like it?’” He asked sardonically, mocking my voice in a high pitched tone.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well why didn’t you just tell me the truth, then?”

  I hesitated, not knowing the answer. Why didn’t I just tell Ryan a few weeks ago, when I’d figured things out? I didn’t know. I just didn’t want to at the time. And now that Loryn was my girlfriend, I had a reason to tell him.

  “I don’t know.” I responded, “But I’m straight. So that’s that. And we’re done.”

  “Are you sure you’re straight?” He asked.

  “Yeah, I have a girlfriend!”

  He seemed taken aback by that announcement. He looked me up and down, like he suspected I was lying. But I guess he could tell that I wasn’t.

  “A girlfriend?” He asked disbelievingly.

  “Yeah. Loryn. The girl I just went out with. She’s my girlfriend now.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you using this poor girl to figure out if you’re straight or not?”

  “What?” I shouted, “I’M STRAIGHT!”

  “So a month ago you were having sex with a guy every night, and today you have a girlfriend. Yet you claim to be straight?” He asked rhetorically.

  “I told you, I’m done! The friends-with-benefits thing we had was stupid and pointless and I should’ve ended it before it even started!” I was shouting now. In the back of my mind I worried that the neighbors would hear, but I was too focused on our argument to worry too much about it.

  “So why didn’t you?” Ryan asked.

  “I don’t know!”

  “You’re still confused, James. Just admit it.”

  “I’M NOT CONFUSED.” I yelled.

  “Are you just gonna fuck this girl a few times as a little experiment and then decide that ‘you’re done?’” He had a sarcastic smirk now, “Cause that’s what you did to me.”

  How dare he assume something like that! I had no intention of “fucking” Loryn until she was ready for something like that. She was my girlfriend, and I was willing to take things slow with her. Besides, if I ever did have sex with her it wouldn’t be to “experiment.” My relationship with Loryn couldn’t be compared to my relationship with Ryan. And yet that’s what he was doing. But Ryan and I were never a couple. We were just friends with benefits. Nothing more.

  “You were never my boyfriend, Ryan.” I glared angrily. My tone was sardonically mocking and full of malice.

  He glared right back. His face twitched like he wanted to scream something at me, but he held it in. He stood up and stormed towards the door.

  “And you were never my friend.” He said, exiting the room and slamming the door behind him.

  I stood there in the silence, unsure of what had just happened, unsure of where my relationship with Ryan stood. Was he serious when he said that? Was our friendship really over? Just because I was done having sex with Ryan didn’t mean that I wanted to stop being his friend. I loved having him as a friend. A best friend. I didn’t want that to be over.

  He didn’t come back until late at night. I pretended to be asleep as he slipped into bed. He smelled like alcohol.

  I felt terrible.

  Chapter Seven

  .

  Ryan and I didn’t talk about our fight. We didn’t apologize or forgive each other. We just pretended like it didn’t happen. However, we were quite standoffish towards each other. He would constantly give me the cold shoulder, and I would respond with rude and sarcastic comments. Luckily, we didn’t have to spend much time with each other because it was almost Thanksgiving break.

  The two of us each packed up a suitcase to take home. His parents would be picking him up and I would be boarding a plane from Los Angeles to San Francisco. I left our dorm room on Wednesday morning without saying goodbye. I heard him mutter a quick “see you on Monday.” But other than that, we didn’t speak.

  Josh offered to give me a ride to the airport, since he wasn’t going home for Thanksgiving break. He’d seen my interaction with Ryan and asked about it in the car.

  “What’s up with you and your roommate?” Josh asked, with a hint of laughter in his voice.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, playing dumb.

  “It seemed like you guys were mad at each other or something.” He shrugged.

  I looked out the window at the other cars passing on the freeway. I didn’t want to tell Josh about my fight with Ryan, but I felt like he was expecting an explanation.

  “We just had a fight.” I said, as if it didn’t matter.

  “Aww,” Josh cooed mockingly, reaching over and pinching my cheek, “Did you get in a fight with your gay boyfriend?” He had a giant smirk on his face as I shoved him away.

  “He’s not my boyfriend, you idiot.” I felt like I needed to make that clear.

  “You mean he didn’t try to molest you yet?” Josh asked, feigning surprise sarcastically.

  I became slightly offended by Josh’s comments. Whenever the subject came up, Josh would always be the first one to make a rude remark about Ryan’s sexuality. It bothered me because I considered Ryan my best friend. And there was nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing at all.

  “Just because he likes guys doesn’t mean he’s gonna try to ‘molest’ me.” I informed Josh.

  “Whatever.” He rolled his eyes, keeping that smirk glued to his face.

  We arrived safely at the airport and I gave Josh a quick goodbye before entering the building. After a long line at security and a much longer flight home, I was grateful to be back in Northern California, although it was significantly warmer back at school.

  My dad picked me up at the San Francisco airport and I was glad to see him. I’d only been away from home for three months or so, but it was the longest time I’d spent without my parents since I was born.

  When I arrived at my parent’s house, the home I grew up in, I was immensely relieved. I loved my hometown and everyone that lived there. It was especially exciting to see my mother and my two siblings. Although I was often annoyed by my brother Peter and sister Kendall, I had missed them more than I expected to.

  Back at school, I had spoken to my parents on the phone several times. I’d told them basic details about college life, but now I guess they wanted to know more. The first question arose at lunch when the five of us were seated around the table enjoying sandwiches that my mom had made.

  “So how’s school, James?” Mom asked excitedly.

  I instinctively replied by saying, “Good.” But after I spoke, I thought about it a bit more. Was I really happy at school? The past three months had been completely filled with confusion over my feelings and my sexuality. Add that to a massive pile of schoolwork and I was not entirely content. In fact, I’d expected college to be much more exciting. After high school graduation, I was completely enthusiastic about going to co
llege. I had expected it to be full of frat boy parties and hot girls. I hadn’t expected that I would end up fucking my gay male roommate less than a month into the school year.

  It wasn’t until then that I realized I wasn’t exactly happy. I was stressed and confused. I felt guilty about hurting Ryan’s feelings. I felt guilty about keeping secrets from Loryn. I was simply upset overall. But I didn’t tell my parents about any of that. I kept it to myself.

  “How’s your roommate?” Dad asked, “What’s his name... Brian?”

  “Ryan.” I corrected.

  I inwardly groaned frustratedly. I did not want to talk about Ryan right now.

  “Is he a nice guy?” Dad asked.

  One of the nicest guys I know. “Yeah, he is.” I said instead, “We’ve gotten to be good friends.” AKA fuck buddies...

  “That’s great.” Mom interjected.

  “What’s Ryan’s major?” Dad asked.

  “He’s undecided like me.” I answered, “But I’m pretty sure he’s interested in being a theater major.”

  Dad chuckled a bit, “Theater? What, is he gay?”

  I found it a bit offensive that Dad had come to this conclusion just because Ryan was interested in theater. It was rude of him to make such large generalizations. Not all theater guys fell under the stereotype of being gay. Even though his assumption was correct, I still found it a bit annoying.

  “Yes, he is actually.” I said matter-of-factly.

  “You mean he likes boys?” Peter asked, “Gross.”

  “It’s not gross.” I shoved his shoulder playfully, “It’s totally normal.”

  Mom snorted, “You think being gay is normal?”

  “Well, yeah! Lot’s of people are gay. And Ryan’s a great guy.”

  “Does he have a boyfriend?” Kendall asked mockingly.

  I shrugged, “Not that I know of.”

  “And you’re completely fine with living with him?” Dad asked, as if I were crazy.

  I was honestly starting to get upset with my family’s rude comments about Ryan. They hadn’t even met him yet, and they were already judging him based on his sexuality. It didn’t seen right to me and with each comment they made I found my face getting hotter and redder with anger.

  Thankfully, the conversation about Ryan was short-lived, and my family didn’t have any more rude comments to dish out. However, my dad added one last thought on the topic.

  “Well I hope he doesn’t turn you gay, James.” He smirked a bit as he said it, like it was some big joke.

  The irony of the moment was almost enough to make my head explode. It was almost as if Dad knew about my secret experiments with Ryan. But there was no way he could know. And if he did, he would be much more upset about it. I couldn’t believe Dad had made that assumption. It was almost like he could read my mind.

  But then I remembered his assumption was wrong. I wasn’t gay. Ryan didn’t “turn me gay” because you can’t just change your sexuality. It’s something you’re born with. And I was born straight. It hurt me that Dad didn’t understand that.

  Suddenly I panicked. What if my dad really did think that I was turning gay or something? What if he thought that since I was completely comfortable having a gay roommate, that must mean that I’m gay too?

  I said the first thing I could think of to contradict his statement.

  “I have a girlfriend!” I blurted out.

  It was true, but I hadn’t meant to tell them like that.

  Mom seemed genuinely excited. “Really!” She gasped, “What’s her name?”

  “Is she pretty?” Kendall asked enthusiastically.

  “She’s very pretty.” I said, “Her name’s Loryn.”

  I glared jokingly at Kendall before she could present us with her rendition of James and Loryn sittin’ in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

  My family continued asking questions about Loryn and I told them all about her. They seemed excessively excited, probably because the last girl I had brought home was Lindsey. That must’ve been well over a year ago. Dad even seemed mildly relieved. Maybe he really did think that Ryan was “turning me gay.” It made me even more infuriated with him. But I tried not to show it.

  Throughout the rest of Thanksgiving break, I enjoyed family time and lots of food and I talked to Loryn on the phone for hours at a time. I knew that we’d only be apart for a few days, but I felt like I would be a bad boyfriend if I didn’t talk to her every once in a while. And talking every once in a while always turned into hour-long phone conversations at night.

  However, I had an itch in the back of my mind. It was bothering me, but I tried not to focus on it too much. It hurt me that my parents didn’t really accept Ryan. They’d never even met him, and they’d already formed their judgements. He was my best friend and they would probably be meeting him eventually. I hoped that when that day came, it wouldn’t be awkward. Maybe my parents would change their minds once they got to know him.

  He was pretty amazing, after all.

  Fuck... did I just say that?

  Chapter Eight

  .

  After my parents hateful comments, I thought about Ryan all weekend. I felt terrible about our fight and I was excited to see him again so that I could apologize. After another flight back to school on Sunday, I arrived on campus with high hopes that everything would turn out okay. Ryan and I made a mistake when we started our sexual experiment with each other, and maybe now that we’d had a long weekend apart we could start on a clean slate. We could go back to just being best friends and nothing more. We didn’t ever have to talk about the sex again.

  It wasn’t until the late afternoon on Sunday that I arrived back in our dorm room. Unfortunately I found that Ryan wasn’t there yet. Maybe his parents weren’t dropping him off again until later tonight. The anticipation of seeing him and sorting everything out was killing me. Frantic for something to keep me occupied, I unpacked my suitcase and cleaned up our room a bit.

  Finally, he showed up. He opened the door and stumbled in with his heavy suitcase in tow. He took a glance at me and noticed that I was staring at him, so he stared right back. He let the door close itself behind him and we stood together, alone in our silent room.

  “Hey.” I said.

  He nodded in response.

  Without saying anything, he walked over to his bed and lifted his suitcase onto it. He sat on the mattress and took a deep breath before looking up at me. He looked exhausted and worn-out. I briefly wondered why.

  I didn’t sit. I stood staring at him, hoping he would say something to break the awkwardness. And when he didn’t, I just spit it out.

  “I’m sorry.” I told him, my voice quivering. I don’t know why it made me so emotional.

  He looked up at me. The tone of my voice must’ve surprised him. Beneath his tired blue eyes, he looked troubled.

  “Me too.” He said, so softly I could barely hear him.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I walked up to him, pulled him up and gave him a huge bear hug. My taller and slightly more muscular figure seemed to engulf him. He was smaller and much skinnier than me, and his face became buried in my chest. It took a few seconds and one long deep breath to make me realize how much I needed a hug. I’d been so stressed and confused the last few months, and hugging a friend just made me feel so much better.

  It wasn’t one of those stupid, brief, “manly” hugs that guys would give to their “bros.” It was truly sincere and meaningful. Ryan didn’t try to act masculine and “cool.” He genuinely showed me how much he cared through our embrace. It meant a lot to me.

  “I’m sorry, buddy.” I told him again, “I shouldn’t have been so mean to you.”

  “I’m sorry too.” He said, backing out of our hug and looking up at me, “I’m sorry for suggesting that you were just gonna... fuck Loryn and be done with her.”

  It surprised me that he remembered her name. I’d only mentioned it to him once.

  “I’m sorry I said we weren’t friends.” He said, s
ticking his hands in his pockets and looking at the ground, “I didn’t mean that.”

  I smiled at him. “Don’t worry, Ry.”

  He looked up again and smiled back.

  I retreated back to my bed and collapsed onto it. “Thank God. I was worried all weekend.” I told him.

  “Worried about what?” He asked, laughing.

  “I guess I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to live together anymore or something.” I said, shrugging and looking at the ceiling.

  “That’s ridiculous.” He said, “One stupid fight wouldn’t actually end our friendship.”

  I nodded in understanding. I felt completely relieved.

  “How was your Thanksgiving?” He asked me, completely changing the subject. He turned to unpack his suitcase. This was typical for him. He always had to have our room neat and organized.

  “Pretty good.” I told him, “Spent the day at my aunt and uncles house. My mom and aunt cooked dinner, the usual.” I decided not to mention my parents’ comments about him.

  “Sounds exciting.” He said sarcastically.

  “Yeah, I gained 10 pounds.”

  He laughed.

  “How was yours?” I asked.

  He didn’t answer at first. I watched him throw his clothes from his suitcase into the dirty clothes hamper.

  “It was fine.” He finally said.

  “Fine?” I asked, knowing there was probably more to it than that.

  “Yup.” He nodded without looking at me.

  I could tell he was lying. Something must’ve happened over the weekend that he didn’t want to tell me. This was also typical for Ryan. He never told me about things that upset him, for fear of “bothering me with his personal problems” or something like that. But that fact alone was what bothered me.

  “Did something happen?” I asked delicately.

  He shrugged. “No.” He frowned, but continued to avoid my eyes.

  “Ryan...” I said warningly.

  He finally looked at me, admitting defeat. So something did happen over the weekend?

  “What happened?” I asked.