A Plain Leaving

by Leslie Gould

  “You stayed in here just to keep an eye on me? To see what we were talking about?”

  He smiled, but in an odd way. “I have good news. Minister Fischer thinks his Englisch neighbor’s son might be interested in the farm. He’s going to see if he can come up with the money to meet the price Hans wants. We could be on our way soon.” The expression on his face was undeniably smug.

  Ruby turned toward the fire, and Paul continued on out the door, seemingly oblivious to her reaction. She grew cold regardless of the warmth of the flames.

  That night, after Paul went to bed, Zachary stayed by the fire as Ruby finished mending one of his shirts.

  Her brother hadn’t said much all day. Tired of his silence, she asked, “How are you feeling?”

  “Not as strong as I used to but much better than I was,” he said. “I think I’ll be back to normal soon.” He extended his arm and wiggled it. “Maybe not normal but good enough.”

  She nodded. He’d be able to do everything he needed to farm, to make a living.

  He leaned forward in his chair. “Could we speak frankly? The way we used to before I left?”

  She nodded again and then knotted her thread.

  “Are you looking forward to moving to Canada?”

  “Well,” she said, and then broke the thread with her teeth. “I suppose so. There are many things to anticipate favorably. We’ll be with family again. With our people. We’ll be away from the soldiers and the fighting.” She looked up at her brother, his face in the shadows bouncing across the wall from the flickering flames.

  He appeared to be sad.

  “What is it, Zachary?”

  “I like it here,” he said. “This is our land. Our place. This war will end. Why should we move to Canada?”

  “Because our family is there.”

  “Mamm and Dat left their families in the Old Country to come to Pennsylvania. They’d understand us staying.”

  “Us? What foolishness are you saying? I’m going to Canada.”

  “Why? To marry Paul? You don’t even love him.”

  She lowered her voice even more. “Zachary, how can you say that?”

  “It’s obvious.”

  An icy coldness swept through her. “Shhh,” she said.

  “You don’t want Paul to overhear us? To realize what’s going on?”

  “Nothing is going on. You know I’d never deny our Lord and church, deny my commitment to our faith.” Her face grew warmer and warmer as she spoke, even though the dying fire had left the room cold.

  Zachary shook his head.

  Ruby stood and folded the shirt, putting it on the table beside her brother. “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Zachary picked up the shirt and clutched it to his chest. “I’ll make no apologies for what I said.”

  “That’s fine,” Ruby responded. “Just don’t say it again.” Sure, Zachary could decide to stay, although Hans was expecting the money from the farm. He’d said the sale of the farm would buy Zachary land in Canada, but she guessed Hans felt entitled to some of it too.

  Hans would be furious with Zachary, but her youngest brother could ultimately decide for himself. On the other hand, she had no choice but to go, and at this point the sooner she left the better.

  Once she was far away from Duncan Wallis, she was sure her feelings of affection for Paul would return. She couldn’t deny that she once thought very highly of him. Those feelings would come back once she left Lancaster. They had to.

  The weather turned warm again by the next morning, and all the snow melted, leaving more mud than usual. As Ruby fed the chickens, she heard Paul and Zachary in the barn, their voices raised.

  “We all had a plan,” Paul said. “You can’t abandon it now.”

  “Dat always intended for this farm to be mine. He helped Hans and Daniel buy their own farms, which they sold. Why does Hans feel I must contribute from the sale of this farm to the entire group?”

  “You’d mostly be contributing the money toward your own farm up north,” Paul said. “Your brother is a good man. He has all of our best interests in mind. A little extra cash will give us all a bit more land.”

  Ruby stepped closer to the barn, hoping to hear more. Paul sounded as illogical as Hans.

  “Think of your sister,” Paul said. “She’d be devastated to have you stay. Family should remain together. And besides, how would you survive down here without your brothers? Or your community? Whom would you marry? Whom would you worship with?”

  “More are staying than you and Hans led us to believe,” Zachary responded. “Closer to Lancaster, an entire group is staying.”

  “Well, you’re not,” Paul said.

  Her brother didn’t respond, but a moment later he came bursting through the open barn door and started marching toward the road.

  “Where are you going?” Ruby called out.

  “To speak with Duncan.”

  She didn’t say anything more, not even when Paul stepped out of the barn, glancing from Zachary to her and then shaking his head.

  Ruby continued on with her work, hoping Isabelle would come over and keep her company. But she didn’t.

  On Sunday, Zachary rode toward Lancaster and attended church with Lettie Yoder and her family. It was the first time that Ruby knew of that he’d seen the girl since he’d come home from Valley Forge. When he returned, he called Paul in from the barn and asked him to sit at the table with Ruby. Then he told both of them that he’d decided to keep the farm and stay. “And marry Lettie,” he said. “We’ve set a date for next month.”

  Paul banged his hand on the table. “Hans will be furious,” he said, turning toward Ruby. “We’re leaving tomorrow. Pack your things.”

  “Will you marry first?” Zachary asked. “Before you go?”

  “We’ll marry in Canada,” Paul answered.

  “What about the propriety of traveling together when you’re not married?” Zachary sneered. “Won’t you be ashamed of yourself?”

  Paul banged his hand on the table again.

  Alarmed, Ruby stood and calmly said she was going for a walk.

  “That’s not a good idea,” Paul said.

  “I’m going to the graveyard is all,” Ruby answered, stepping to the back door and grabbing her cape.

  “I’m afraid you’ve strayed from the Ordnung with me gone,” he said. “You’ll soon be back to living the right way.”

  She didn’t bother to respond but slipped out the back door. As she walked down the road to the edge of the property, she pulled her cape tight against the cool spring wind. At the end of their farm, she turned into the small plot where her Mamm and Dat were buried. She stood there, feeling lost and lonely. Tomorrow she would leave the only home she’d ever known to go to live near two brothers she wasn’t close to and marry a man she didn’t love. How would that draw her closer to the Lord Jesus? How would that allow her to serve Him and others more?

  Dear Lord, she silently prayed. What should I do?

  The wind whipped at her bonnet and stung her eyes. Soon real tears formed, and a few slipped down her face. She quickly swiped them away. Wallowing in her sorrow would do no good. She turned to leave as a horse and rider approached in the distance. For a moment, she thought it might be Paul. Perhaps he’d come to apologize. But why would he ride such a short way?

  It wasn’t Paul. It was Duncan.

  She turned to face him—and the wind. Duncan clutched his cane as he dismounted and started toward her. “Zachary told me you’d walked down here.”

  Ruby nodded.

  “So you’re leaving? Tomorrow?”

  “Jah,” she answered. Zachary had told him.

  Duncan stepped closer. “I know you don’t want me to say this, but I have to, before you leave.”

  She shook her head. “Please don’t.”

  He ignored her. “I care for you, Ruby Bachmann.” She put her hand up to stop him, but he shook his head and continued. “Truth be told, I love you.
”

  She stepped backward, unable to bear his words.

  “My entire life has changed since meeting you. I’m now grateful for my injury—I can truly see the good God is working in my life. He used you to show me that there’s so much more than business and connections, than life in Philadelphia, than my family’s fortunes. Isabelle was right—you saved me from a dark place. Your gentle faith brought me back to what I believed as a child. I can see God’s work in my life, and I long to see what He holds for my future.”

  He stepped toward her. “I’ll stay here in Lancaster and farm Uncle’s land. I’ll live as simple a life as I possibly can, for you. I don’t believe I can join your church, but I do believe we already worship the same God. I won’t stop being a Patriot, but I won’t pursue war or violence of any kind. I will be the best husband I can to you.”

  Her eyes filled with tears again. As she brushed them away, Duncan reached for her hand. She pulled it away from him.

  He smiled, just a little, and then said, “Tell me that you love Paul. Tell me that you don’t love me. Because I don’t believe either, not for a second.”

  She turned toward Old Man Wallis’s woods, where she used to play as a child, keeping her face as stoic as possible. She could dart across the field to the trees. He wouldn’t be able to follow her.

  “Think about what I said. I’ll come say good-bye in the morning. It won’t be too late to change your mind.”

  She turned and began marching toward the woods, away from him. He had no idea what it would mean for her to reject her family, to reject her faith, to reject Paul.

  Jah, it seemed they did share the essentials of faith, but their families had chosen very different ways of living.

  “Ruby!” Duncan yelled. “Come back.”

  She waved but marched even faster.

  “Ruby!” he yelled again. But his voice was distant now.

  She crossed her family’s farm, and then at the very back of it, climbed the fence. She marched through the Wallis’s field, past the oak tree, and then around the pond. By the time she reached the woods, tears flowed down her face.

  She slipped into the trees and stumbled her way to the middle of the woods. Then she collapsed on a fallen log and cried her heart out. No one, not even Duncan, would ever know how much it hurt her to reject him. Her heart shattered as she sobbed. Tomorrow morning she’d tell him good-bye and never see him again. For the rest of her life, she imagined, she’d struggle to forget him, to force his memory from her mind.

  She couldn’t imagine how bleak her marriage to Paul would be now. Not only did she not love him, but never had he ever spoken about seeking God’s guidance or will. All of his talk had been about following the Ordnung, about following the rules.

  “Our Father which art in heaven . . .” She silently prayed as the wind blew above her in the high branches of the trees. “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done. . . .” She’d have to trust God to heal her broken heart and guide her future.

  The next morning she awoke long before sunrise, completed her packing, and then made porridge for breakfast. She could hear Paul and Zachary arguing again before they reached the house after doing their chores.

  “Hans will expect me to bring the plow. He specifically said not to leave it.”

  “He has his own plow.”

  “It’s not as good as your father’s.”

  “You mean as mine,” Zachary said. “You’re not taking it.”

  As they came through the door, Paul said, “Ruby, talk some sense into your brother.”

  She didn’t bother to answer. Paul wouldn’t hear her anyway.

  After the men finished their porridge they went back outside, and Ruby cleaned up—for the very last time in her childhood home. When she finished, she stood by the fire and remembered the evenings when Dat would read aloud to all of them while Mamm mended their clothes. She thought of the meals she helped Mamm cook, of all the laundry they did together. She hoped her parents knew back then how much she appreciated them, even though she’d failed to tell them as often as she should have.

  She packed what food she felt fair in taking into the basket on the table. It was a good thing Zachary planned to marry soon—otherwise he would most likely starve.

  Then she retrieved her bag from her room, put on her cape and bonnet, grabbed the basket and bag, and left the cabin without looking back. She’d cried enough yesterday. She wouldn’t cry again today, especially not in front of Paul.

  A few tools sat in the back of the wagon. A rake, a scythe, and an axe. And a crate that held a few chickens, the beginning of her own flock.

  “Ready?” Paul asked.

  She nodded, placing the basket and then her bag behind the bench. She hugged Zachary good-bye.

  “I wish you’d stay,” he said.

  She nodded. “I know.” Then she told him that when the time came, he owed Duncan a ham and shoulder from the smokehouse for helping her butcher the hog.

  “Of course,” Zachary said. “He won’t let me pay his family the debt I owe, but hopefully he’ll take that.”

  “He will,” Ruby answered. At least she hoped so.

  Paul jumped up on the driver’s side while Zachary helped her up onto the bench. As she sat, Isabelle called out her name and then yelled, “You can’t leave without saying good-bye!”

  Ruby shielded her eyes from the morning sun. Isabelle looked like an angel, wearing her white cloak, coming toward her.

  Paul held the reins tight, ready to go.

  “Wait,” Ruby said, relieved it was just Isabelle and not Duncan. Thankfully, it seemed he’d changed his mind about coming over.

  She scrambled down from the bench and ran toward her friend as Paul set the brake and then jumped down too. She wasn’t surprised that he followed her.

  Ruby and Isabelle hugged. “Will I see you again?” Isabelle asked.

  “I don’t know,” Ruby answered. She’d like to think that someday she and Paul would return to visit Zachary, but she doubted it.

  “Thank you,” Isabelle said, “for being like a sister to me.”

  Ruby hugged the girl again, and as she did Duncan rounded the corner from the road. She released Isabelle.

  “We need to go.” Paul took Ruby’s elbow.

  “Wait,” Ruby said as her heart lurched.

  Paul pulled on her arm, but she stood firm. On the way home from Valley Forge, beside the fire, Duncan had said that being injured had helped him know his heart, and that the bad things that had happened had helped shape who he was, and how he saw both God and the world.

  She couldn’t deny the same had happened to her in the last several months. Could she trust God enough to believe she could make a choice different from what her family expected? A choice filled with love and a spiritual connection? Perhaps God had been shaping her into the person He wanted her to be, one who could choose love over safety, and spiritual growth over what was familiar and expected.

  When Duncan reached them, he held out his hand to her. Time froze.

  Paul spoke again, this time more forcefully. “We need to go.”

  Ruby’s eyes stayed on Duncan’s hand. The message was clear, most likely even to Paul. She could leave with Paul for the predictable life she’d expected since she was a girl, although in Canada, not Lancaster County, and put all of this behind her. Or she could take Duncan’s hand and forge an unknown life with the man she loved, with a man she truly wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

  Jah, Hans would be furious.

  And Paul’s pride would be hurt, but she wasn’t sure that in the long run he’d be that sorry. He’d easily find another girl to marry.

  “Ruby.” Paul’s voice was harsh. And demanding.

  She shifted her gaze to Duncan’s face. His expression was kind. Gentle. His eyes brimmed with tears.

  She reached out and took his hand, stepping away from Paul’s side. Duncan pulled her into his arms as she did.

  20

  Jessica
r />   Aenti Suz stood and started toward her kitchen. “How about some tea?”

  I fell against the back of her sofa. “How about the end of the story?”

  “That is the end of the story. She chose Duncan.”

  “And left the Amish?”

  “Jah,” Aenti Suz said. “It’s not what you expected?”

  “I thought you said it was a cautionary tale.”

  “It is,” Aenti Suz said, her back to me as she filled the teakettle.

  “Oh come on,” I said. “Generations of Amish aunties have not been telling that story as a cautionary tale. That wouldn’t discourage any Amish girl from marrying an Englisch man. In fact, it would encourage every one of them to leave.”

  “Well,” Aenti Suz said, turning on the burner. “I may have embellished a little, focusing more on Ruby’s feelings than other generations did.” She turned around and smiled.

  I had no doubt she embellished it—and I was glad she had. That’s not what I had a problem with. “Why would you tell it to me of all people? I do plan to marry an Englischman.” God willing.

  “But that’s not the point of the story,” Aenti Suz said. “Ruby recognized that God had worked the difficult things in her life to mold her, to make her stronger. Through that, He opened her heart to accept and return Duncan’s love, and trust God with her future.”

  My face began to grow warm. “What are you saying?”

  Aenti Suz shrugged. “I simply told a story. The questions you should be asking yourself are What has God been teaching? And where is He leading?” She busied herself with her tea basket. “Let’s see. Should we have a pot of peppermint? Or orange spice?”

  “I need to go,” I said, patting my apron pocket to make sure my phone was still inside.

  “So soon?” She bit her lip, maybe to keep herself from saying any more. But then she spoke anyway. “I had one more thing I needed to tell you.”

  I tilted my head.

  She stepped toward me and lowered her voice. “I heard Silas and Gail have stopped courting.”

  “When?” Tears stung my eyes, even though I guessed it was probably just a rumor.