Sever

by J. M. Miller

  “The Fresnel lens from the lighthouse.”

  And just like that, I could see it. It was like I was standing in the lantern room, staring into its light. “Oh, wow,” I breathed.

  “This,” he said, tapping a finger to the tiered ridges of the circular design, “was my way to focus on what I needed to accomplish. It was also a way to hold onto you. I told you once that you were like the lens and all the prisms, opening my eyes to what I could do, daring me to see something more, to face my fears.”

  My knees went weak as he spoke, and I fought it to stay standing. I couldn’t let the moment fall away. “I … I’m not sure what to say.”

  “You’ve said plenty tonight, now it’s my turn. I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry for being mad at you all these years when I should’ve been mad at myself for letting you go.” He took another step closer, clasping his hands around my arms and sliding them around to my back so his fingers could work the material at my elbows. His chest was even closer now, close enough to nuzzle against if I dared. I felt his breath on my neck as his head dipped beside mine, and suddenly I couldn’t move.

  “I miss you, Syn.” The words whispered to my soul.

  With my own head pounding, I had a hard time believing the words could be real. “That’s probably the concussion talking.” My voice was small, the words barely loud enough to hear.

  “Not a chance.” He pulled back and looked into my eyes, stopping time the way he’d had years before. Then his lips brushed mine, soft and tender, as the material around my elbows loosened.

  I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, granting him a better position. He took the offer, pressing his lips to mine, firm and gentle, controlled. My arms were no longer bound, but I couldn’t move them. I couldn’t move at all. I could barely breathe.

  His heat spread through me and I soaked it up, savoring the feeling that I’d been missing all these years. I’d missed him, too.

  He left one tiny kiss on my lips before backing away. “Are you okay to walk?”

  I cracked open my eyes slowly, not really wanting to lose the moment, but knowing we had to go before Seth returned. “Yeah, I’m okay. I take it you don’t have a house phone.”

  “No, I don’t. We might have to walk over to—”

  Before he could finish, heavy footsteps pounded the floor and a body slammed into the side of him.

  I screamed as Damian’s grip was ripped away from my arms, his body flying sideways to the floor with a grunt. Before I could react in any other way, a pair of cloudy green eyes filled my view.

  Tanner tugged my hand. “C’mon, Syn. Let’s go.”

  Damian hurried around the car and pulled open my door, creating a vacuum that sucked a whoosh of air past me. I remained still in the passenger seat of his Lancer, staring blankly up at the two-story house I’d driven past with him only once before, just to know the location. There was never a plan to come over for more, especially to attend a family dinner. Yet there I sat, gaping at the pristine colonial through the windshield.

  The exterior was mixed, rustic stone and white siding with skinny black shutters framing most of the windows. Spotlights were staggered along the numerous shrubs and flowerbeds in front of the porch deck. They all pointed beams up to the house, illuminating its worth like all the others in the picture perfect neighborhood.

  “Don’t be nervous,” Damian said, extending his hand to me. “I reminded her last night and she was totally fine.”

  I nodded as he grabbed my hand to help me from the car. When he closed the door, I smoothed my layered shirt, flattening the frayed edges down nervously. I would have liked to blame all the nerves on the dinner itself—the way his parents might treat me, or maybe the general feeling of not belonging—but my mind was on way more than how out of place I was in the perfect house and the perfect life his mom was obviously striving for. It was on the perfect guy standing at my side. If his mom and I had absolutely nothing else in common, his worth was surely one thing we could agree upon, and I valued it at much more than the cost of a house and a mix of fine shrubbery.

  It had been a couple of weeks since Damian and I had both said “I love you.” It should’ve felt so good, and I should’ve been totally blissed-out over such a milestone. Instead, I thought of all the things I wanted him to have and all the reasons I needed to let him go. As much as I longed to be selfish, to keep him despite everything else, I couldn’t ignore reality. He would give up everything for me if I let him, so I refused to give him an answer. I refused to tell him my plans. If he passed up even the smallest of opportunities just to be with me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

  I may have kept quiet about my future, but I’d been vocal enough about him chasing his own dreams. If he decided to stay, it would be too close to home, and his parents would continue to push him in a different direction. He needed to follow his own light, no one else’s. NYU was the best chance for that. We both knew it, but he continued to bring up staying.

  That was why tonight would be so hard. It had to be the end. I’d been too scared before, too uncertain, but we couldn’t move past tonight. The closer we got to his possible departure—or mine—more hope for the future would grow, and I was terrified I wouldn’t have the courage to say goodbye.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket, startling my already edgy mind. I slid it out quickly and saw Tanner’s number with a text.

  Hitting the storage unit tonight if you still want to help.

  He’d texted me an update the week before, and despite my urge to help, I’d declined, having already said yes to dinner with Damian.

  As I stared at the message, though, I knew I’d go. I’d need something to keep me busy later after I’d walked away for the last time, something to tear me away from the pain.

  “You okay?” Damian nudged, wrapping his hand around mine, guiding me toward the house.

  “Yeah,” I replied with another nod then inhaled the warm spring air deeply, hoping the delightful smell of all the flowers might calm me. My hand started to shake inside Damian’s grip. This was going to hurt worse than anything I’d ever known. Was I being stupid? Was this what I really wanted?

  “Hey.” Damian pulled me away from the front door beside two Adirondack chairs. His hands moved to my face, forcing me to look into his eyes. “I had no idea you were this worried.”

  I couldn’t handle it. I thought I’d be able to sit through the evening, enjoy one last night with him, even if it was spent with his parents, but I was so wrong. There was no way I could hide any longer.

  Sliding my hands up his chest, I felt the material of his DeadMau5 T-shirt, the same one he’d been wearing for our first kiss. It was almost fitting he’d wear it for our last.

  It has to be our last. It has to be. It has to be, I recited over and over in my head, not wanting it to be true, not wanting to let go. I clutched the fabric tight, suddenly hit with the urge to fight myself, to fight the logic telling me to let him go. It was a fight I’d have to win every time I’d see him in school until graduation, every time we worked together at Rewind, unless I chose to quit. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for any of it. All I really wanted was to crawl into his arms and tell him I’d be with him forever.

  I bit down on my lip and let out a pained sigh before I said, “Kiss me, please.”

  His eyes narrowed the slightest bit, drawing his straight brows even farther down with their silent question. “Of course,” he whispered. The tips of his lips quirked into a trace of a smile before pressing against mine.

  If I could have wiped it all away, I would have. I knew this decision would be my biggest regret. I would never get over him.

  I looped my arms around his back and held him tight, pulling him closer, wanting to take every bit of love before I killed it all. He laughed lightly against my lips, but I pushed his body back to the wall, erasing all humor, giving him everything I had. I wanted to take every bit of us and bottle it inside that one kiss. It was our love. It was strong and tender,
brave and fearful, joyous and tortured. It was perfect.

  His lips moved with mine, accepting it all and letting the world disappear around us in a hazy cloud of sounds behind the curtain of our closed eyes. The movement slowed, and the mood shifted to a sadness that etched itself a permanent place in my heart. It would be the place I kept him forever. Somewhere deep, but close enough to know it would never go away.

  “Don’t,” he whispered against my lips, slipping his fingers into my hair and tightening his grip.

  He knew. He felt it. How could he not?

  He broke our lips apart and rested his cheek to mine as his words spoke into my ear. “You’ve been drifting away. It doesn’t have to happen. You can come with me.”

  Tears filled my eyes, but before the first one rolled down my cheek, headlights flashed into the drive way. I wiped my face and pulled back from Damian’s grasp. The porch light came on at the same time, and his mom opened the front door.

  Her hair was twisted and pinned into a neat bun, and she wore pearl earrings with a shimmery opal button-down. It all looked far too fancy for a dinner with her son’s girlfriend. “What on earth are you two standing out here in the dark for?”

  Car doors shut behind us and we all turned. An older gentleman and lady got out, both dressed in nearly the same fashion as Alexandria. Behind them was Julia.

  I bowed my head and pressed my lips together, not even bothering to see if there was a triumphant look on Alexandria’s face.

  “Mom, what the hell?” Damian seethed not so quietly.

  I slipped my fingers into his pocket, hooking his keys while he was distracted. He flinched at the movement and grabbed my wrist before I had a chance to pull them free. His eyes shot back to me, narrowing with confusion and sadness.

  “Damian, don’t be rude,” his mom said as Julia and her parents stepped onto the porch. “Say hello to our other guests.”

  When his eyes shot back to his mom, I twisted his finger, freeing my wrist and the keys. There was no way I’d stay here for pot roast and bullshit conversation. It was a setup and there was no reason to walk into it. I couldn’t possibly battle his mom for the right to love him when I was already battling myself to give him up.

  “I’m the one who’s being rude, Mom?” Damian snapped. Her eyes went wide at his response then narrowed with a warning that he ignored. “You knew tonight’s dinner was with Annisyn. No one else.”

  “Damian, honey. That is completely unnecessary. I forgot. It was an honest mistake,” she replied, forcing a smile and acknowledging the awkward looks from Julia and her parents. They glanced at each other and murmured their intents of leaving, but she waved a hand into the air as though it were nonsense and said as much. “I’m so sorry. It was very foolish of me. Please, please come inside.”

  They accepted the offer, stepping past her into the house. Julia hesitated for a moment, then shuffled her pastel blue dress quickly behind her parents. Alexandria held the door open, casting her sharp eyes down on me.

  “I can’t believe you,” Damian grumbled at her then turned back to me and ran a hand down my back. “Let’s go.”

  “No,” I stated abruptly, looking from him to his mom and stepping away from his touch. If I wanted to end this tonight, I had to do it now. I couldn’t let him come with me. “This can’t happen.”

  “Don’t, Syn. We have to talk about this. I don’t care about the rest. Any of it,” he said, ignoring his mom’s huffs.

  “That’s the problem.” I trotted down the porch steps, away from the house lights, out into the dark.

  “Damian?” his mom called and I knew he was at my heels. I didn’t turn, and judging by his lack of response, he hadn’t either.

  I pulled open his car door, but his hand shot out and slammed it shut. He slid his body between me and the car and tipped my chin up with his free hand. “Please talk to me. There’s no reason to do this, even if I go to NYU. I told you I want you with me.”

  I dipped my chin out of his hold and stared past his chest, beyond the car, out into a dark oblivion as my heart lamented. I couldn’t be nice anymore. I had to hit him hard. “You don’t know what the hell you want, Damian, and neither do I.”

  “I want you,” he replied so fast it hurt. The hand on the car door slid higher to the roof and his fingers tapped, matching the sorrowful beats in my chest. “I’ve always wanted you.”

  I pressed my eyes shut tight and clenched my hands into fists for strength. “I don’t want you.” The words were colder than I’d ever thought I could muster.

  He scoffed. “You expect me to believe that?”

  “Yes,” I said, finally lifting my eyes to his. “I don’t want to be with you. That’s why I never told you my plans. You aren’t in them.”

  His eyes stared blankly at me, processing.

  I shoved his chest, pushing forward with my body weight in an effort to move him away from the door. It worked, possibly because my words had stunned him.

  “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be, okay?” I opened the door again. “I’ll let Pam know that I won’t be able to work at Rewind anymore.”

  He inhaled deeply and pressed his palms to the side of his head, jutting his elbows out. After a moment, he dropped his hands, stepped closer, and dipped his face beside my neck, just shy of touching. “I know you’re lying.” His breath warmed my neck. I closed my eyes and inhaled, soaking him up, memorizing the way my body responded to him. “Please let’s just talk about this. Give me a chance to go over the options. I’ll take you home tonight, okay? We can talk about everything tomorrow. Please.” His lips pressed against my cheek as his hand smoothed over my hair.

  Damian. There was nothing I wanted more in life. I took a moment to picture us together, wrapped in each other’s arms, lying on the balcony of the house on the bluff, looking out over the bay. Everything I didn’t deserve, everything he did. I wouldn’t be responsible for taking another life. After all, a life could end without physical death. One simple decision can end a future. One simple persuasion can sever a life.

  I’d made a fatal decision once. It was a decision I would have repeated over and over without hesitation, but I’d also wondered about the what ifs. What if I hadn’t gotten the door to open that night? What if I hadn’t grabbed that knife? Would I have lost my mom? Or would I have led a normal life? Would I have dreamt of roses and ponies all these years instead of blood and death? It was a life I’d never know because I’d made one choice. I’d picked up the knife.

  That was the basis of my reason. It wasn’t just about my past, it was about his future. If I went with him, I would be his distraction. He would make decisions around me, around us. He would push possibilities aside, so I had to push him away.

  I wouldn’t be the decision that ended the possibility of the most promising life he had before him.

  “No, Damian.” I placed my hands on his chest and shoved as hard as I could. He backed up a step, giving me enough room to slip inside the car. I quickly locked the doors and started the engine. After cracking open the window, I said, “I’ll leave it in a safe place.”

  “Are you fucking serious right now? God dammit,” he yelled, lifting his gorgeous face to the darkened sky.

  A pair of headlights stopped in front of the house and parked along the street. It was a black truck, which I could only assume was Seth’s since Damian had mentioned he was home for a long weekend. I was just glad he hadn’t blocked the driveway.

  I shifted the Lancer into reverse and started backing out, even though I was unable to tear my eyes from Damian.

  His eyebrows pulled together and the muscles around his jaw tensed. “Don’t do this,” he said, hooking his fingers into the small slit at the top of the window and walking with the car until I stopped. “Annisyn.” My name left his lips in a strangled tone that unleashed my tears. I blinked them out and took one last look at the boy I loved before shifting into drive and stomping the gas.

  I stared into the cloudy green eyes in
front of me, struck by what had just happened.

  “Syn! Let’s go. C’mon!” Tanner’s mop of brown hair barely budged as he tipped his head, tugging and pulling on my hand to get me to move.

  He had come for me like I thought he would, but he was misinterpreting the whole scene. I glanced over, watching Damian look up at us as he pulled his feet beneath him.

  “Tanner, no. This is not what it looks like,” I said, yanking my hand from the grip of his cold fingers, fresh from the outside air. I inhaled. That cool air lingered around him, making him smell crisp like winter. Not far beneath was the smell of cigarette smoke.

  He stopped in place, waiting for me to explain. A black leather jacket covered his shoulders, not unlike the one he’d worn in the past. It had only been a year since I’d seen him, but even in that short time, his features had grown more tired, his eyes a little more sullen, skin a little more dull.

  “What the hell is it then?”

  Damian stood beside me, jaw tight, glaring.

  “Oh, I get it,” Tanner spoke again before I could. He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and eyed Damian up and down. “Here I was thinking the worst, Syn, and somehow you bumped into your ex and forgot to let me know. That’s fucking great. It’s not a big deal, really. I just thought maybe someone had fucking shot you or something.” He shook his head with a smirk. “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I almost got arrested tonight and now I walk into this? I’m outta here.”

  “No, Tanner. It’s not like that. I … We …” I had no idea where to start.

  “This is my house,” Damian said.

  “Good for you, asshole,” Tanner snapped at him, looking at the chaos on the floor around us—records, clothes, a broken bottle of whiskey. “So what? You beat her ass for breaking in? Or did you punch her around before you figured out who she was?”

  “Tanner!” I ran my fingers over parts of my face, feeling the bits of swelling. The scene he was seeing looked a lot worse than I initially realized. “Damian didn’t do this.”