by Len Webster
It was that moment, as the snow fell, that she had never felt so alone.
So betrayed.
So unworthy in her entire life.
So lost in the idea of a life without his love and without him.
It was the moment that AJ had died within.
There was no more AJ …
And in turn, there was no more them.
No more AJ and Evan.
61 Pm
promethium
EVAN
Now
For Evan Gilmore, home used to be Brookline, Massachusetts.
But it never truly was.
Home was his best friend, Alexandra Louise Parker.
Had been his home.
She was gone and in love with someone else. Alexandra had moved on, and she had every right to after what he had done to her. What he had put her through.
It had been more than a year since he found her at Duke.
It had been more than a year since their road trip.
It had been more than a year since she told him she loved him.
And it had been more than a year since their first time together.
A year without her smile.
Without her touch.
Without her love.
It’s been almost a year since she started dating him.
Evan’s jaw clenched as did his heart at the very thought. The hollow organ had somehow continued to beat since her.
Since he lost her.
He’d thought about returning to North Carolina to find her so many times—to be with her, to tell her—but he forced himself to stay and leave her alone.
To give her what she had always wanted.
Someone to love her.
And Alexandra found that in someone else.
Evan had forced her to find someone else because he was too weak and thought she deserved better. And in truth, she did. She always deserved better than he could ever give her.
Life went on.
And in front of him, the saying was true.
His brother, Kyle Gilmore, was laughing as he kept his arm around his girlfriend. The bar they found themselves in was packed, but they had no problem finding a table since Kyle was the captain of the Red Sox. It had been his brother’s idea to go out tonight after Evan had landed back in Massachusetts for the weekend. To spend some time together before Evan’s baseball season started. Evan had been hesitant to, but he knew he wouldn’t see her.
They might not talk, but he kept up with Duke’s academic calendar, and he made sure to stay away and give her the happiness he couldn’t.
And Evan knew that AJ’s spring break wouldn’t be for some time.
On those rare visits back to Brookline, he visited her mother. Clara Parker would tell him that she was already receiving internship offers from around North Carolina and had an article published about her in the University of Science magazine. Her mother had given him a copy, and he had read it in his childhood bedroom, standing by the window that looked out at Alexandra’s.
He wasn’t surprised to read that she was already expected to do remarkable things when she graduated. He was so proud of her. The article read that her heart was science, but her soul was physics. He had stared at the picture of her with her professor in a lab for what felt like hours. When he was done, he went to his closet and put the magazine in a box of all the others her mother had given him. She might never believe him ever again, but he supported her dreams in their silence.
Because silence is all you deserve from her.
“Evan,” Angie Fisher, Kyle’s girlfriend, said with her eyebrow raised. “Please tell me your brother wasn’t so Red Sox obsessed and was a regular teenager.”
Evan set down his glass of water with a laugh. “My brother? My brother, the captain of the Boston Red Sox? You want me to lie to you, Angie?”
She rolled her hazel eyes and then tucked her straight black hair behind her ear. Kyle had met Angie on Christmas when they were feeding the homeless together. It was fate as his brother had put it. At first, Angie wanted nothing to do with the entitled baseball player, but Kyle was determined to show her that he was different.
And a year later, he showed her.
“There has got to be a time when you didn’t want to play baseball?” Angie asked.
Evan’s eyes met his brother’s.
There was a moment.
Many moments.
Not just one.
Every time Kyle was with Alexandra Parker, he didn’t want to be a baseball player. He wanted to be normal for her. He wanted to be worthy of her.
And Evan could see it in his brother’s eyes that he was uncomfortable with Angie’s question. She knew of Alexandra, but she didn’t know the extent of Kyle’s relationship with her. Angie had always assumed that Kyle’s affections for Alexandra were brotherly.
Sensing that it would be hard for him to explain, Evan intervened. “Angie, I think he was an oppressed Red Sox fan when he entered this world. Took Mr. Parker watching the game for Kyle to fall in love with them. But if you’re worried he didn’t have normal teenage experiences, you have nothing to worry about. He broke hearts wherever he went. You’re the only one who made him stop and stare.”
Relief and appreciation swept Kyle’s eyes. Angie’s cheeks flushed soft pink as she gazed up at Kyle. “Evan has a way with words.”
Kyle glanced down at her with his own gentle smile. “He isn’t wrong about you, Angie.”
“Well, I’m happy he isn’t wrong. I’m going to the bathroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” They watched her get up from her chair and walk toward the back of the bar.
Evan watched her smile and wave at several of the Red Sox player girlfriends along the way before she disappeared. Then he glanced over at his brother to see the content look on his face. His posture was no longer as tense as Evan remembered. He seemed so relaxed and happy.
“You look happy, Kyle.”
His brother’s grin widened. Not in the trademark Kyle Gilmore way. It was somewhere between proud and fulfilled. “I am happy, Ev.” His eyes gleamed under the bright bar lights. “I understand now how my love for Alexi differs Angie.”
Alexi.
It had been a long time since Kyle had said her name around him.
Most times he’d only say ‘her’ or ‘she,’ knowing it was too hard for Evan to hear her name after what he had done to her. What he had done to them.
“It does?” he asked, confused.
Kyle nodded. “With Angie, I know what it’s like to be loved. I know Alexi loves me but not in the way I loved her. And I don’t love her the way I love Angie. It hurt when she told me it was you, but I can’t ever imagine loving her the same way as my girlfriend.”
“I understand.”
“I’m happy, Evan. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. But I am worried about you. Are you okay?”
Evan knew what his brother’s question really referred to, and Kyle was the only person he could be honest with.
“I’m okay. She’s happy. That’s the main thing.”
His brother frowned. “Why don’t you just tell her the truth?”
Evan shook his head. “I can’t.”
“You protected her. You kept her safe, Evan. Her father would understand. I did. Why can’t you tell her?”
“Because it’s better this way. She’s safe, and she’s happy. I promised myself I wouldn’t contact her, but I broke. I called her, but she told me I had the wrong number. I don’t think she realized she didn’t hang up properly because I heard her tell him she loves him.”
“And you believe she does?” Kyle asked, eyebrow cocked with concern.
He nodded. “She does, Kyle. She didn’t know I was still listening. She meant it. She’s been in love with him for almost year. She chose h
im in her life. Not me.”
Kyle’s jaw clenched before he picked up his glass and threw back the rest of his whiskey. Then he slammed the glass on the table. “Have you ever truly understood the way she looks at you? She only ever looks at the sun that way. And we all know the sun is her favorite star. She might love him right now, Evan, but she’ll never stop being in love with you. You’re her soul mate. No one understands her the way you do. She doesn’t let anyone understand her the way she lets you and only you. It’s always been and always will be you.”
Hope flourished in his chest.
It had been a long time since that warm sensation grasped his heart, but Evan knew better than to believe strong words and belief. It was too little too late. Hope was too poisonous for any of them to believe in, and it would ruin their lives. Lives that had moved on and built better homes for all the days they had lived apart.
“She’s with him, Kyle. She loves him. Before we know it, she’s going to marry him.”
Disbelief had his brother’s nostrils flaring. “You don’t know that.”
“Trust me, I do.”
I’m waiting for the invite …
Waiting for Mrs. Parker to tell me someday.
“And you’d let that happen?”
Evan’s head dipped, staring at the water in his glass, wishing it was something stronger to forget her. When he finally lifted his chin, he saw the sympathy in his brother’s eyes. “Don’t ask me that, Kyle. I don’t want to destroy her happiness. Not again. Her mother says she’s happy, and that’s all I want for her. It’s why I did it. We might never be anything ever again, but somewhere deep inside, even if she refuses to believe it, I’m still her best friend. And I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. I owe it to her to protect her happiness. I owe her, Kyle. I owe her a happy life. And that life she lives and loves doesn’t include me anymore.”
His brother nodded. The understanding and sympathy flashed bright in his eyes. “And how is Molly?”
Evan smiled. “She’s good. She’s at the US women’s soccer team training camp in England.”
“She’s going to make that World Cup team, Ev. Then the Olympics—”
“We should probably get going if we want to avoid the traffic, Kyle,” Angie said, interrupting them and standing next to Kyle.
Kyle glanced down at his phone and sighed. Since Kyle and Angie got together, they’d been followed by the paparazzi. When traffic was heavy, the paparazzi caught up and swarmed them, wanting exclusive pictures of the couple. “You’re right,” he agreed and then got out of his chair and kissed her temple. “We’ll see you before you go back to California, Evan?”
“Definitely.”
“Great, we’ll see you later,” Kyle said before he and Angie left the bar, holding hands. Kyle had finally moved on and fallen in love with someone who was not Evan’s best friend. And by the way his brother looked at Angie, Evan knew that Kyle was truly happy and in love with a great woman.
Spotting a waitress, Evan decided it was time to swap the water for something stronger and raised his arm.
“You don’t want to do that, Gilmore,” he heard a familiar voice say.
He lowered his arm and turned around. He blinked at her. That familiar voice belonged to a very sweet girl he’d gone to high school with. “Addison,” he said in shock.
“It’s good to see you, Evan.” She shook her head at the approaching waitress. “He doesn’t need a drink. He made a mistake.”
Evan raised a brow. “You just sent the waitress away.”
Addison grinned. “I did, too. But you need to stay very sober.”
“I do?”
“You do,” she confirmed, stepping closer to him and setting her clutch on the table.
“How are you, Addison?”
Her lips spread into a smile. It was an honest smile. Far different from the ones she wore when she cheered during the high school football games. “You don’t really care, Evan. As sweet as you try, you don’t. And I’m not offended by that. I didn’t approach you or turn the waitress away so we could chat. I came here to see Kyle.”
His brows furrowed in confusion. “He just left with his girlfriend. What’s this about?”
Addison sighed. “Had I known you were home, I’d have just called and not bothered to find Kyle. I asked around, and they told me he was here.”
“Why are you looking for him? I didn’t know you knew my brother.”
“I don’t. This isn’t about your brother.”
His interest was piqued. “Oh?”
Her smile faded, concern sweeping her face. “It’s Alex.”
His heart plummeted. Dread and worry flowed through his veins and settled in his anxious heart. “What about Alexandra? Is she … is she okay?”
“She’s drunk,” Addison said, heightening his fears for her safety. “She needs help.”
Evan pushed off the table and pulled out his phone from his pocket. “I’ll book the next flight to North Carolina—”
Addison shook her head. “She’s home, Evan. She’s downtown at Blue Jay’s with Jordan.”
Alexandra’s home.
For the first time in months, they were in the same town. But he couldn’t think past the fact that his best friend, the woman he loved, was drunk and needed help.
“Thank you, Addison,” he said before he turned and made his way to the exit, desperate to find Alexandra.
Blue Jay’s was one of the only bars in Boston where elite, status, and money were worth more than age and IDs. Evan had no problem getting into Blue Jay’s since he was the brother of the captain of the Red Sox. He’d been welcomed into the popular, exclusive bar with a smile. Evan rushed down the stairs and entered the bar. It was filled with people he recognized.
Sport stars, actresses, actors, politicians, socialites, and models.
It was not a place for Alexandra Parker.
Evan scanned the room and found Jordan, the former head cheerleader from their high school, sitting at a table staring at the bar. Pushing his way past people, he made his way to Jordan’s table and sat on the free seat opposite her. She faced him seconds later, surprise enlightened her face.
“I had no idea you were home, Evan. I sent Addison to find Kyle to take her home.”
He nodded. Jordan had always been sweet to Alexandra throughout high school. She was not the cliché head cheerleader people expected her to be. Instead, she was nice and had ensured the entire cheer squad treated others just the same.
“I’m home for the weekend,” he explained.
Jordan smiled. Her bright blue eyes sparkled at him. Evan had always believed their high school quarterback was lucky for winning Jordan’s heart. “Well, I’m glad you came home. She’s over there,” she said, pointing at the bar.
“How long has she been home?” Evan asked, taking in Alexandra’s brunette hair.
“I’m not sure. I came home to celebrate my parents’ anniversary, and Addison decided to come down for the weekend to hang out. I ran into Alex at Mr. Nebroski’s store, and she seemed sad. I thought I’d invite her out to a girls’ night and knew that the only place that would let us in was Blue Jay’s. I went to call Carter to tell him that we made it to the bar safely, and when I returned, she had more shots and asked to be left alone. But I didn’t want to, so I sent Addison to track down Kyle to take her home. I don’t want her parents to see this side of her.”
Evan glanced down at his hands in his lap and sighed. He knew something was wrong. Alexandra hadn’t been one to drink much alcohol. The only time she had ever drunk excessively was in their hotel room when they were stuck in Rhode Island.
Before it had gone so wrong for them.
Taking a deep breath, he got up from the chair, breathed out, and faced Jordan, offering her the best smile he could muster. “Thanks, Jordan.”
“I’d do anything for Alex,” Jordan said with a soft smile. “I asked her about you …”
He winced, thrown off by the direction of their conversation. “You did?”
She nodded. “She said that you’re not friends anymore, but that you’re happy, and that was the important thing. She sounded happy for you, Evan.” Her voice had a layer of sadness to it. “Whatever happened, just know that I want it to get better. I can’t imagine a world where Alex and Evan don’t talk.”
I can.
I’ve lived it.
He wasn’t going to lie to Jordan. He knew she’d see right through him. “We’ve barely spoken in almost a year, Jordan.”
Her eyes widened in shock. “Wow,” she breathed. “I can’t even comprehend that. All our lives, it has been Alex and Evan. The fact that you haven’t spoken for so long doesn’t make sense to me. I know you both didn’t end up at Stanford together. How someone as brilliant as Alex didn’t make it to an Ivy League school, I’ll never know. But what I do know is this … This is your chance to fix it. To make things better. To make amends. You’ve both been through a lot together. I can’t imagine a life without you two together. Right now, she’s upset, and I think she needs you. I’d better go. Have her call me tomorrow when she’s not hung over.”
Jordan got up from the chair and picked up her purse and phone from the table. The concern on her face didn’t vanish. But it was as if she knew that Evan was the only one who could fix Alexandra. Before Jordan left the bar, she paused and said, “All through high school, she took care of you when she needed you to take care of her. Be patient with her, Evan. She’s hurting.”
And then Jordan left.
Left Evan to stare at his former best friend for a few straining heartbeats before he approached her. When he reached her, the bartender had finished pouring a shot and set the glass down in front of her. Evan reached over and took the glass from her and set it down out of her reach.
The bartender opened his mouth to object when Evan shook his head, and said, “I’m cutting her off. You know she’s underage.”
