The Results of Unrequited

by Len Webster

The ‘U’ word was all that was needed for the bartender to back off and leave them. Evan kept his eyes focused on the mirror behind the shelves of alcohol. He was tempted to look at her reflection. To see if she stared at him like he remembered. With those eyes that flashed with specks of hurt and clouds of rage and betrayal.

  But he was still as weak as the day he left her.

  Even in the moderately loud bar, her sigh was the loudest sound he’d ever heard. It echoed, breaking him apart inside. That sigh was filled with much more than annoyance. It was heartbreak and longing all in one.

  “What are you doing home, Evan?” she asked.

  It had been a long time since she had addressed him.

  He missed her voice. Missed the way she said his name as if he were her everything. But he knew how wrong that thought was.

  Evan Gilmore hadn’t been Alexandra Parker’s everything since the second he left her at Logan and returned to California.

  He hadn’t been her everything after he never texted her back. Or answered her calls.

  He was certainly not her everything when he didn’t return home for Thanksgiving to see her. Or when he brought Molly home for Christmas.

  He hadn’t been Alexandra’s everything for a long time.

  And that’s my fault.

  Finally, he turned and looked at her. Her eyes planted on the wooden counter. “I could ask you the same thing.”

  She made a small nod, and said, “This is the most we’ve spoken since the last time we were both home.”

  “I’ve tried—”

  “I wish you didn’t.”

  His heart broke at her quick dismissal of the truth. “Why?”

  “You know why, Evan,” she said in a tight voice. Finally, she faced him, her tears running down her beautiful face. It was impossible to believe, but she’d gotten even more beautiful. Her green eyes that stunning shade of emerald. And he could see it. That faint mole on her cheek. The one he dreamed of. But that wasn’t the sight that left him breathless.

  It was the heartbreak that flashed in her eyes.

  “I would have made you happy,” she said, causing him to tense. He knew she was drunk. She didn’t mean the words she was saying. “The way I made him happy … the way she makes you happy … I would have made you happy.”

  You would have, but I never gave you the chance to.

  “You told me to marry her.” Evan swallowed the large lump in his throat as he forced the memory away to keep it from resurfacing. From hurting him all over again.

  More tears ran down her face. Her neck blotchy from drinking. “I know,” she agreed. “Is she here with you?”

  “Is he here with you?” he countered with his own question.

  She shook her head. “He’s back at Duke.”

  He’s not here with her.

  It was enough for him to answer. “She’s at a training camp in England with the US women’s soccer team.”

  Alexandra brushed her tears from her face. She sniffled before she asked, “Why were you wearing my necklace in your ESPN interview?”

  Evan’s eyes widened in disbelief. Never in his wildest dreams did he believe she’d see his interview. “You saw it?”

  “I saw it live.”

  She saw it live.

  His heart hammered in his chest as hope encased it in a layer of belief that he had no right having. His fingers twitched—needing to touch the silver necklace that was under his shirt.

  But he couldn’t.

  Not in front of her.

  She couldn’t know that he’d worn it every single day since she returned it to him.

  As much as he desperately wanted to tell her the truth he let slip into lies, he knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to her or her relationship. He couldn’t do it to her again. He promised her mother that he’d ensure her happiness, and Evan had no right to meddle in her life.

  Someday, he’d confess the truth.

  Someday, he’d rid her of his lies.

  It might pardon him and allow him back into her life, but Evan wasn’t foolish. He knew it would never happen. She promised it to the stars and the skies that she would never allow him in her life or her heart again.

  “Why are you home, AJ?”

  AJ.

  It had been so long since her nickname fell from his lips.

  The night he called her.

  He loved Alexandra, but he would always love AJ.

  Her eyes gleamed with emotions he couldn’t decipher, but it was clear his nickname for her affected her. He wondered if their memories swayed in her heart.

  “AJ,” she whispered. A lone tear slid down her cheek. He wanted to catch it. To feel her. But he refrained from doing so. “I came home to find her.”

  Me, too.

  He was tempted to say it. To tell her that every time he came home, he hoped to see her. But he didn’t. He was determined that this time, he found her. He found AJ for her. And he knew the only way it could happen.

  “North or south?”

  Alexandra stared at him as her beautiful, lost green eyes punctured his chest. Her sadness was so hard to turn away from but so easy to inflict.

  Second after second passed. In a crowded and loud bar, it was only them.

  He and Alexandra.

  No.

  AJ and Evan.

  They were finally together once more. But this time, it was to find her.

  She blinked one time.

  “South.”

  62 Sm

  samarium

  AJ

  Freshmen year of college

  The snow that blanketed her backyard was vibrant and uninterrupted.

  No footprints disturbed where the snowflakes rested.

  Her father intended to shovel a path to the purple tulips that never got the chance to bloom. Each purple tulip that grew in the backyard had been planted by her father for her mother. When the flowers bloomed, it was a beautiful display in shades of purple. This year, the winter frost affected the tulips. It was reported that this Christmas break would be the coldest in twenty years.

  AJ shivered as the snow picked up. She had been outside for almost an hour, replaying last night and her encounter with Evan in her head. Maybe it was the freezing temperatures that ensured she didn’t cry.

  She felt hollow inside. Unable to cry for the lost love she was left with. Her heart was still in shock and continued to make meaningless beats as she drove home. Last night, she tried not to think about him, and she refused to think about them being intimate. But no matter how hard she tried, she thought of them. Thought of him loving her. Thought of him being careful with her when he wasn’t with AJ.

  Her hands pressed against her stomach and thought of what could have been with him. The thought had been stupid. She was never meant to be with Evan. He found another to love and brought her home for Christmas. AJ was nothing but a notch.

  After she had showered and dressed this morning, she put on a coat and went outside to sit on the patio chair. More questions came to her as she sat outside. The when and the where. The how and the why. But she’d never get the answers.

  She’d have to ignore her broken heart the way he ignored her love and moved on with his life. She had spent too long loving someone incapable of loving her. AJ should have known better and now she did.

  She had learned a horrible, painful lesson. She had always loved Evan more. And it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

  The sound of the glass door sliding open announced that she wasn’t alone, but AJ didn’t bother to turn around to see who it was.

  “Your mom made tea,” her cousin Will said. “She says you’ve been out here for a while.”

  AJ smiled, happy that out of all the people who sat at the table with her, it was Will. She turned and faced him, taking in his small, caut
ious smile as he set the ceramic blue mug on the glass table. “Thank you.” She removed her mittens, set them on the table, and picked up the hot tea. She blew on the beverage before she took a sip. “When did you get in?”

  “Late last night. You were already asleep. Dad and Uncle Noel put the girls to bed. They were exhausted and so was I after a road trip with them. Lori and Reese can talk for hours.”

  “You loved it,” AJ said with a laugh. “They adore their big brother.”

  Will smiled, proud of himself. “Yeah, and I adore them. Just as I adore you.”

  “I love you, too, Will.”

  His smile faded as he leaned closer to her, his brown eyes never leaving hers. “I went for a run this morning …”

  “In this weather? Will, Brookline is nothing like sunny California. You could have slipped.”

  He shrugged at her concern. “There was only some ice, but I saw Evan.”

  His name caused her to still, her heart cracking at the memory of him. Of last night. The hollowness dwindled as heat consumed her chest. Scorching her from inside out. It was torture to feel as if she was going to explode while her skin shivered from the soft kisses of winter.

  She was a conundrum.

  In life and in feelings.

  “Yeah, he’s home.”

  “I saw her,” Will stated, guilt heavy in his voice.

  “Yeah?”

  He reached out and grasped her hand. His warm touch was gentle compared to the inferno in her chest. She felt loved and comfortable with Will. “What happened?”

  His question caused her eyes to sting, and tears threatened to expose her. So she blinked several times in hopes of salvation. She was with Will and safe from judgment.

  “He went back to Stanford and didn’t look back.” She took a deep breath and offered him a smile. “He met someone.”

  “Are you okay?”

  She glanced away and took in the undisturbed and pure snow. So untouched. So untainted. She wished for that to be her—untouched and untainted by love and pain—but she couldn’t be. She had already given away too much of herself to be pure. And she had to remember that.

  AJ faced her cousin and shook her head. “I’m pretty heartbroken, Will, but what’s new? I thought … I was wrong.”

  “I was civil … for you. Otherwise, I’d have punched him in the face the second I saw him. But she was with him, so I couldn’t.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  His slight grin disappeared. “She’s nice, Alexandra.”

  Of course, she’s nice.

  AJ pulled her hand free as her smile stretched, relieved that she was. “That’s good. He deserves someone nice.”

  “After everything, you still speak of him with so much respect … so much devotion and love. He never deserved you.” His brown eyes flashed with guilt and remorse, causing panic to claw up her throat. “I have to tell you something.”

  She steeled herself for the worst. “Tell me what?”

  Will sighed. “Grandpa invited them for Christmas. He doesn’t know about you and Evan. I tried to stop him, but he was so determined.”

  Horror.

  Pure, unadulterated horror consumed her.

  “What did they say?” she asked in a wary voice.

  Will’s taut face said it all. They said yes. Said yes to spending Christmas with her and her family. Said yes to ensure Evan inflicted more pain.

  AJ got up from her chair and ignored her tea, mittens, and Will as she rushed toward the back door. Once she slid it open, she entered the house and stormed to the kitchen. She had no idea what she was going to say to her grandfather. Anger drove her thoughts wild. Rage clouded her judgment and affected her emotions.

  She couldn’t spend Christmas with Evan and his girlfriend. She couldn’t. Life wouldn’t do that to her. Life wasn’t that unfair.

  But AJ knew life didn’t work that way.

  When Alex entered the kitchen, she found her parents, aunt, uncle, and her grandfather around the island counter. Rationality should have calmed her before she confronted her grandfather, but AJ had no sense of control.

  Her anger blinded her.

  “You asked him to spend Christmas with us?”

  Her family looked at her in confusion—as if AJ had snapped and gone insane.

  AJ focused on her grandfather and ignored everyone else. “You had no right!” she shouted, hoping she wouldn’t wake Lori and Reese. “You had no right to invite Evan Gilmore and his girlfriend to Christmas lunch, Grandpa!”

  “Oh, Dad.” Uncle Alex sighed in disappointment.

  “You did what?” AJ’s mother shrieked in shock.

  Grandpa James shook his head and raised his palms. “I didn’t think it would be a problem. He’s your best friend … isn’t he?” He glanced at AJ’s father for help and then back at her. “You’ve spent Christmas with him in the past? What’s wrong with this time? He’s family.”

  He’s not family.

  He can’t be.

  She was floored by his justifications. AJ was sure her grandfather had good intentions, but he’d only hurt her further. “What’s wrong with this time is that you’ve subjected me to more torture. You’ve allowed him to throw his relationship in my face.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  It was too much.

  Tears broke free and her grandfather winced at the sight of them. “Alexandra …” he whispered.

  “I’m in love with Evan, and he broke my heart, Grandpa. I spent weeks waiting for him, and instead of spending weeks loving me, he fell in love with someone else … with her. He stopped being my best friend the moment I started falling in love with him. That’s why it’s a problem, Grandpa. I haven’t had the chance to accept that he’s moved on. He chose to love someone else and didn’t tell me. Now I have to spend Christmas with him and his girlfriend.”

  “Alexandra, I’m so sorry,” her grandfather said as he stepped around the counter.

  AJ shook her head, stopping him. “I don’t need your apologies. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t even want you to fix this. I can’t believe you would invite them without asking me. You hurt me today, Grandpa. So please excuse me if I don’t have the best Christmas I’ve ever had with you.”

  She didn’t wait.

  She took in his broken expression as a small victory.

  AJ spun around, pushed past Will who had joined them in the kitchen, and retreated to the only haven she knew.

  Her bedroom.

  To wait for the impending storm that would destroy her completely.

  In order to give Lori and Reese the best Christmas they ever had, AJ put her broken self in a box and told herself that her Christmas present to everyone was to pretend. To allow her cousins to remember her smiles and happiness rather than her tears and her anger.

  It had been a tough four days for her family. Her once warm house was thick with tension. The polluted air suffocating her. Her grandfather tried to explain his actions, but AJ shook her head and told him that it wasn’t time to talk. When she was ready to forgive him, she would.

  She just needed time.

  “Alexi, when is Kyle coming?” Reese asked, sitting by the fireplace with the wrapped present AJ’s father had gotten her in her hands.

  AJ smiled. “Later tonight. Don’t worry, you’ll see him. He’s feeding the homeless. When he’s finished helping, he’ll stop by.”

  “Hey, Alexi,” Lori said as she got up, walked to the couch, and sat next to AJ. “I heard you the other morning.”

  “What did you hear?” AJ asked, confused at the sadness that swept her little cousin’s face.

  “About you and Evan. I’m sorry that Grandpa did that to you.” Lori bent down and picked up a silver box by the couch, then handed it to AJ. “It was under the tree. I didn’t think you’d want him or his
girlfriend to see it or be accidentally given it. I don’t want to see you upset on Christmas.”

  “I’m so sorry you heard all of that, Lori. And don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I appreciate you looking out for me.”

  Her cousin smiled, her brown eyes twinkled. AJ always hated that she and Will left Lori and Reese out of a lot of things they did. They were just too young to understand. But right now, AJ felt as if this was their bonding moment.

  “I’ll always have your back, Alexi. We’re cousins. And I don’t like seeing you so sad. Christmas is your favorite holiday. I don’t want you to hate Christmas.”

  AJ got up from the couch, bent down, and kissed the top of her cousin’s head. “I’m going to go upstairs for a moment to call my roommate. Make sure Reese doesn’t open all the presents while I’m gone. I want to see you both open the ones I got you, okay?”

  Lori grinned. “Okay, Alexi.”

  As AJ walked out of the living room, she tightened her hold on the small silver gift-wrapped present in her hand. She had rewrapped it several times in order to make sure the paper aligned. Now, she felt like an idiot that she had gone to so much trouble.

  She should have known that it was over, that Thanksgiving was the end of them, but she held on to hope. It left her with more scars and bruises, but Evan Gilmore gave her his answer. No matter what way she had come to know, she now knew. She had her answer.

  There was no more them.

  Once AJ climbed the stairs and entered her bedroom, she made her way to the foot of her bed and sat down on the mattress. She set the present on her lap and trailed her fingertips along the Cardinal colored ribbon she had found in the city when she went Christmas shopping. When her fingers met the white gift tag, she flipped it over and read the message she wrote him.

  To Evan,

  I love you here. I love you there. I love you with over two thousand miles between us.

  But right here … right now … I’m home because I’m with you.

  You’re my home, Evan Gilmore.

  Merry Christmas.

  Love,

  Alexandra.

  She read it a second, a third, and a fourth time.