by Len Webster
A long time ago, his arms were her haven. But never again. So she let him hold her. She let herself believe the snow was purifying them. But with each tear and each sorry that fell from Evan, she knew there was a nothingness to them now.
They had ended a long time ago. It had just taken AJ a long time to realize it.
“I will never allow you in my life or in my heart again,” she promised.
“No, please,” he begged.
“You lost me.” She felt her heart whimper in pain. But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. It would never be enough, and she had to accept that. “For good. Forever.”
“Let my cousin go, Evan!” Will shouted, causing Evan to wince. “Go back to your girlfriend.”
His girlfriend.
It was time she let him go.
Evan’s hands unwound from around her, and his palms settled on her cheeks. He pulled back so that his eyes found hers. Then he tilted her head slightly and pressed a kiss to her forehead for a long, heartbreaking moment. “Eight protons. Eight neutrons, Alexandra.”
That was it.
His final I love you.
Said in the way only she could understand.
Her chest tightened as she held back her love for him.
It wasn’t fair that he just told her that he loved her.
But Evan Gilmore had never really been fair to her.
“I’m so sorry,” Evan said before his hands fell from her, and he spun around, making his way down the street and to her house.
His back was the very last sight of him she’d allow to scar her.
AJ tore her focus from him and found her cousin’s concerned expression directed toward her. Will made two long strides before he took her coat from her, shook it out, and wrapped it around her.
It was at that moment, she realized she was shivering. Her entire body felt cold and lifeless. She might not have Evan, but she had Will. Will, who stayed with her, hugged her, and allowed her to cry into his chest. Will, who comforted her as her heart became rubble after its collapse.
“You’ll be okay,” he promised in a soft voice as he rubbed his palm on her back. “You’ll be okay, Alexandra. We’ll stay right here for as long as you want. I won’t leave you.”
63 Eu
europium
ALEX
Now
It was too dark outside to see each detail of the trees, bushes, buildings, and street signs they passed. Instead, it was a blur of dark shades and spots of bright lights. Around her, the sound of the radio music hummed as she continued to stare out as Boston left them. When Evan asked her north or south, she became breathless, lost in the sudden resurgence of their past.
She should have slapped him for what he did to her and Landon.
She should have screamed for the murder of her heart.
She should have left him and gone home.
But she didn’t.
Alexandra Parker had fallen from grace in her need to appease him.
She hadn’t meant to revert to her old ways, but she had spent so many years in his life. He had become an extension of her until he no longer was.
Alex knew that being in a car with Evan Gilmore was the last thing her intoxicated self should be doing. But she couldn’t stop herself. Need and memory were not her friend.
They were her enemy.
Out to destroy her.
To ruin her.
And guilt was a clawing devil to her chest.
There was no need to feel guilty. She wasn’t Landon’s. She could be in the same car as Evan. She wasn’t cheating. She was single.
But he isn’t.
The thought had her throat tightening. She couldn’t do that to him or Molly. She refused to allow him to ruin something that good for him. Alex tore her eyes away from the passenger side window and sat properly in her seat. Then she gazed out the windshield and froze.
She had assumed they were going to Rhode Island, where they had last been together, but it was clear by the approaching sign that they weren’t.
“Evan?”
“Yes, Alexandra?”
Alex turned her head and saw him focused on the road. “How far south are we going?”
“To New York,” Evan answered.
“No,” she breathed.
He glanced over at her. “What?”
She shook her head. “No. We’re not. We’re not going to New York. Evan, stop the car.”
“Alexandra, what’s—”
“Stop the car!” she demanded hysterically as she saw the big welcome sign.
The car veered right and then came to a halt. Evan parked the car on the side of the highway and before her, in big white painted letters, was all she needed to see.
One sign that proved it didn’t matter if she was single.
It still hurt.
Welcome to Connecticut.
Tears welled as she remembered the first time she had ever called Landon by his nickname. By his home state. It had been in the library after they met at the frat party. The frat party where all they had in common was that they were both from New England.
She was Massachusetts.
And he was Connecticut.
Her tears slipped down her cheeks at the thought of him.
Landon Carmichael had been her entire world after Evan Gilmore had obliterated it.
The concept of a future without Landon was one that didn’t make sense. For so long, it was him. They hadn’t figured out what was next after he graduated, but she knew they had forever together. Now, it seemed so stupid to think that she had put so much faith in their future.
A future they couldn’t have because of who she was. Who she had always been and would be. Because Alex was her love of science. And by Landon not accepting her love of science, he didn’t accept her.
“Alexandra,” Evan whispered next to her as she brushed her tears away. He reached over and grasped her hand, threading his fingers with hers.
Alex glanced at their linked hands, her heart jumping—missing a stupid beat at the familiar touch. Sensations rose and made themselves known for the first time in over a year.
Feelings that mixed with her confusion.
Feelings she knew she couldn’t have.
She was drunk.
That was her explanation as to why she didn’t pull her hand free from Evan’s.
“It’s going to be okay,” he promised in a soft voice. “I know my words mean nothing to you right now, but I’m here for you if you need a friend. I’m here for you, Alexandra. I’m here for you the way you were always there for me.”
His brown eyes had that softness in them that she missed. They were a rare memory since his vindictive gleam still haunted her. She couldn’t do this. Not with Evan. And not again.
Two days since her breakup with Landon wasn’t long enough. She would not be the kind of girl who rebounded with another guy after a breakup. And she most definitely wouldn’t rebound with Evan Gilmore. He was the destruction to her soul. The soul she’d only just managed to wipe clean and put together.
No matter how much her heart yearned for his touch and his smile, she couldn’t tell him about her breakup. That kind of knowledge was too dangerous for him and for the lives they both now lived.
“Can I ask you something?” Alex asked, her voice tight with fear.
Fear of what his answer could do to her.
He nodded as his hand gently squeezed hers.
“Why were you wearing my necklace in that interview last week?”
His eyes widened. Then he blinked as if he’d been asked the most intimate question known to man. “He asked me what I had that was of great value to me. It’s your necklace. It’s all I have left of you. It’s the most precious, meaningful item I own. It’s my meaning. It’s everything.”
“Why?”
A small smile hinted at his lips. “Because it represents you. It’s what you are in my life.”
She shook her head in disbelief, not believing the lies that came out of his mouth. If she truly meant so much to him, he would have never turned his back on her. He would never have gone back to Stanford and opened his heart and life to another.
It didn’t make sense to her.
“But why were you wearing it that day?”
Evan released her hand and sighed heavily. Drawing in a deep breath, he reached into his black shirt and pulled out something silver. It flickered under his car’s small interior roof light.
My necklace.
The very necklace Evan had given her on Christmas over two years ago.
The sudden loss of air in her lungs was stunning and painful. It came as quickly as a heartbeat. She stared at the silver oxygen atom necklace. It had represented so much, and now, it was a reminder of what could have been.
A reminder of what had been.
“I wear it every day,” he revealed.
Alex winced. Then she peeked up at him through her lashes. “You … you do?”
Evan glanced down at the necklace, his thumb brushing against the silver atoms. He lifted his chin and offered her the saddest smile she’d ever seen on his face.
She had seen rage, helplessness, and anger.
But at that moment, she saw sorrow and longing.
“I ran to the airport,” he announced, causing her to inhale sharply as his hands fell to his lap and her necklace settled on his chest. “I was at the batting cages. I came back after a shower to find Milos pacing as if he had been waiting for me. Then he pointed at my desk, and I saw it. Your necklace. Your note. Our picture. I swear I never felt so desperate and lost in my entire life. Milos told me you left, so I ran after you.”
“Evan,” she whispered, forcing her hands in her lap. The break in his voice was hard to hear. She remembered that day. The day she had gone to Stanford and let him go so that she could finally move on.
The muscles in his neck worked as he swallowed hard. “I knew you would have gone straight to the airport, so that’s where I went. I went to the airport to find you and stop you.”
“There would have been a ton of flights. You wouldn’t have known which flight I took.”
“I know you, Alexandra. You’re loyal. And your loyalty is one of the greatest things I love about you. You always fly the same airline, so I went to the ticketing counter and bought the first flight to Raleigh. I was cutting it short, but I had to risk it. I passed security and went to the gate.” Evan paused, and his lips formed a tight line. “I was too late. Your flight had already taken off. You were gone.”
Her heart dipped.
He had run after her.
But it was too late.
That was the past.
A day when she was happy she didn’t see him.
But right now, he bared himself to her. And for that, she didn’t have the heart to tell him that she hadn’t left California. She had gone to Berkley to stay with Will.
Her eyes darted to the necklace he wore. So much of her still yearned for their lost connection. The ease they once had. How he felt like home with just one touch. But she couldn’t, and she wouldn’t. Her heart couldn’t take any more, and she wouldn’t give it more.
She would let it mourn.
Because Landon was the reason for her heart’s pain and not Evan.
“So you wear it?”
Evan nodded. “Every day. I wear it because it feels like I still have this connection with you. That I still have a piece of you with me.”
A piece of me with him …
Her phone rang loudly inside the car, interrupting them. Breaking the intimate moment they found themselves in. Alex blinked as she was suddenly thrust back into reality.
A reality where there wasn’t an Alex and Evan.
They had ended a long time ago.
She leaned over and picked up her clutch. She removed her phone to find Landon calling. That trance, that masking of her pain that Evan was able to do, vanished. This was her reality, and the caller was the cause of her need to go home after he had broken her heart.
For two days, he had continuously called her.
And for two days, she had been in Brookline, forgetting him as much as possible.
But forgetting him meant leaving Duke.
She was already ahead in all her classes and had pretty much finished all her papers. All she had to do was Skype with her lab partner, Mika, to finalize their report, and she’d be done. Her professors were understanding when she cited her need for a personal absence from her classes. She was more than aware that they would have gotten word that the captain of the basketball team had broken up with his girlfriend. If they had thought it was a rumor, Alex’s absence was confirmation enough.
“Answer it,” Evan encouraged.
Alex dropped her bag on the floor and sat back. Her phone felt like a bomb. She had spent the past two days fighting against the need to answer her ex-boyfriend’s calls.
She needed time.
Part of her loved that he called, but she knew she couldn’t get her hopes up.
She needed to move on.
She glanced over to see the pain sweep Evan’s eyes. She knew it was wrong to want to make him feel better when he had only ever hurt her. But she had never truly let her past go. “Landon doesn’t need to know.”
And he didn’t.
He had no right over her the moment he broke up with her.
Then, to her relief, the ringing ended.
“Does he think you’re still at Duke?”
Alex nodded as she glanced down to see the excessive number of missed calls and texts from her ex-boyfriend. “But if he didn’t realize before, he will soon enough. But I shouldn’t talk about Landon with you.”
“I know,” Evan said in a small voice. “You don’t have to say anything. We can just sit here for as long as you like.”
“Thank you,” Alex said as she set her phone on the seat and pressed her head against the headrest. She took in the Welcome to Connecticut sign before them.
It was stupid that she didn’t want to cross state lines. She just couldn’t with Evan, so they sat in his car. In their silence, they let night past them. Alex’s eyes started to fall, heavy with the alcohol in her system. She wasn’t just drunk. She was tired.
Emotionally, she was drained, and the silence was a friend she welcomed.
Somewhere, she heard her phone ring once more, and she sighed. It was a sad sigh. Then she heard a seat belt unclick, and she pried her eyes slightly open.
“Alexandra,” he whispered.
Alex blinked, forcing her eyes open. Something in his voice caught her attention. Maybe it was the vulnerability. Maybe it was that she was afraid she’d fall asleep and wake up in the morning to find herself in her dorm room and it would all be a dream.
She turned to face him, allowing him her time, and her heart its greatest weakness.
“Yes, Evan?”
His eyes were wide with fear as he inhaled a deep breath.
She counted the seconds it took for him to exhale.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
“I broke up with her.”
Nothing.
Alex felt nothing but sorrow in her chest and sadness in her veins.
“You …?” she let out in a tight voice.
Evan nodded. “I broke up with Molly.”
Five words that kick-started her heart, causing it to stammer with a mix of emotions she couldn’t quite understand. Somewhere, she felt relief and hope. She also felt failure and despair. She felt everything and nothing at his confession.
“When?”
He pressed his lips into a tight line and nodded. “The day after Christmas.”
Alex inhaled sharply.
He had broken up with Molly the day after Christmas.
She had no idea. For the past year, she had assumed he was happy with his girlfriend. The one who was perfect and everything right for him. She didn’t understand why no one—especially her parents—had told her that Evan had been alone all this time.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I was home until after the New Year.”
Evan’s lips curved into a small smile. “I broke your heart. You needed more. And at that moment, I wasn’t more. I was working on giving you more. Being more. I was going to tell you, but when I finally worked up the courage, your mother said you went back to North Carolina.”
It was too much.
The idea she could have loved Evan all this time bloomed in her chest, but she couldn’t because her heart wasn’t his to have.
Not anymore.
Her heart was Landon’s.
Evan gave her one answer, but she needed more.
“Can I ask you something?”
Evan nodded. “Yes.”
“Why did you call me all those weeks ago?”
His shoulders dropped, and he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does, Evan. It matters. Why did you call? Why did you say all those things in that interview? Why?” she begged, her voice cracking as those horrible tears stung her eyes.
He sighed. “It doesn’t matter, AJ.”
AJ.
Her heart beat in a new rhythm as if her nickname revitalized it. But Alex knew it was wrong. AJ had been gone for a long time. But in a way, she wanted her back even though it meant opening her heart to Evan and a past she had left behind.
A past she didn’t want because of one person.
Landon.
She knew it was wrong.
To go out drinking tonight.
To get in a car and drive to the state line with Evan.
This night was wrong.
All forms of wrong.
Alex found it hard to breathe. As if she were struggling and suffocating on the thick air around them. The pain radiating in her chest didn’t relieve her. She knew she needed air. She knew she needed to get away from Evan Gilmore. To get away from everything and everyone who had hurt her.
