by Len Webster
Coming back home meant being free.
Evan wasn’t supposed to be home.
She needed to get away.
So Alex unclicked her belt, reached over, and pulled on the door handle.
She needed air.
She needed salvation.
Once she was out of the car, Alex distanced herself away from the car until she was in front of the welcome sign. An intangible line separated Massachusetts and Connecticut.
A thin line.
But, in reality, the line was a breath. Just like she was a breath away from Evan who stood by her moments later. He had followed her. Alex’s chest weighed heavily. She needed to be freed. She just needed answers.
“It matters, Evan.”
He made another one of those heavy sighs. “I know it matters, but it can’t. It’s not fair to you and to him.”
In theory, it didn’t matter now. But in the matter of her heart, she needed to know, and she knew that the moment she expressed the truth, she was no longer safe. The wall around her heart would tumble to the ground and leave her exposed. But answers meant sacrifices, and Alex would find some other way to keep her heart safe.
“Evan.”
“Yeah?”
One deep breath, Alex.
One last exhale, AJ.
“Landon broke up with me.”
It didn’t matter how many seconds Alex counted or how many beats her heart made, it couldn’t change the events of last night. Alex could blame the alcohol, but the moment he sat next to her at that bar, she had sobered up and her excuse became invalid.
It happened.
Evan Gilmore was back in her life.
And this morning, she had woken up to him sitting at the foot of her bed, staring at his lap. Evan hadn’t said a word or glanced her way. So Alex turned and faced the wall, staring at it as she came to grips with last night’s confessions and events.
She had fallen asleep in his car, and the next thing she knew, she was in Evan Gilmore’s arms as he carried her up the stairs and put her to bed. He had sat on the floor as she closed her eyes and fell back asleep. They hadn’t said anything after she told him that Landon had broken up with her. The tension was broken, yet neither of them had acted on it. And she thanked God that she didn’t. It would have only made things worse if she had done anything with Evan last night. All they did was stand at the Connecticut state line until she returned to his car, signaling it was time to go.
Alex heard Evan sigh as her bed shifted, focusing her eyes on the wall. It had been a long time since they were together in her bedroom.
“That’s why you’re home, isn’t it?” he asked in a small voice.
She clenched her eyes closed, forcing herself not to cry. When she was sure she wouldn’t, she opened them and sat up, facing Evan’s emotionless face.
“Yes,” she confirmed. Alex didn’t care about her appearance. Didn’t care that her hair was probably a mess and that her makeup had smudged. “Landon breaking up with me is why I’m home.”
“Why did he break up with you?”
She winced at his question. Her chest heaved as she fought against her damn tears. “Why did you break up with her?” she asked instead.
“Isn’t it clear?”
Alex shook her head.
Evan sighed; his chest rose and fell heavily. “She’s not you.”
She didn’t believe him. She didn’t want to accept it as a reason. If he felt so strongly about Molly not being Alex, then he would have never chosen Molly. He would have never let Alex wait for him. It wasn’t enough of an answer for her.
“You brought her home for Christmas. That obviously meant you loved her.”
His jaw clenched, and then he exhaled. “I cared about Molly, but I never loved her. You made that impossible. I brought her home because I didn’t want her to spend Christmas alone like I was going to. I didn’t expect your grandfather to invite us for lunch. I tried to decline, but he ignored me. I cared about Molly. She was sweet and supportive and understood the pressure of being a college athlete. But I never brought her home for Christmas to hurt you. I promise.”
The memory of the worst Christmas she had ever had left a sour taste in her mouth. The memory craved release. To feel the pain in its full form. But she clenched her jaw tightly to stop her from feeling any of it.
“We’re still friends, Alexandra,” he added.
“She’s nice.”
Evan nodded his head. “But she’s not you.”
“You still chose her over me.”
Guilt gleamed his eyes as his face contorted with pain. His lips pressed together tightly as his light brown eyes flared with agony. He was hurt, and it made her somewhat happy that he felt a hint of remorse for their lost relationship.
“She was just there to talk to. To support me. I didn’t want to disappoint you, and I did that the moment I went back to Stanford. Then I met Molly and … I didn’t want to hurt her.”
He didn’t want to hurt her.
He protected her.
And that had Alex’s heart breaking.
To counteract the pain, she balled her fists and dug her nails into her palms. She craved the physical pain. She wanted it to overwhelm her, but all it did was dull the lingering sensations in her chest.
“But you hurt me instead.”
“I know. I’m sorry about Christmas. I know it’s your favorite holiday, and I ruined it. I made Christmas a horrible memory for you,” he agonized.
She saw it.
The honesty in his pain.
She believed him.
Pulling the blanket from her, Alex got out of bed and cringed at the throbbing sensation in her head. She’d definitely drank too much last night. Carefully, she walked into her closet and pulled out the step stool. She closed her eyes tightly and opened them to focus her vision. When she was sure she was okay and wouldn’t fall, she stepped onto the stool, reached up, and moved the boxes out of her way. Alex got on her toes and pulled the silver-wrapped box from the top shelf in her closet.
Glancing down, she took in the gift tag. She knew what she had written on it. She had poured her heart out in the form of the written word. And right now, she couldn’t give him those words. So Alex removed the tag and slipped it in the back pocket of her jeans.
Those words were hers, and Evan didn’t deserve them.
Not anymore.
She got off the step stool and returned to her bed. Evan’s brows furrowed as he took in the silver box with the Cardinal colored ribbon she had tied around it. When she held it out to him, Evan took it with confusion on his face.
Before he could question the gift, she decided to speak first. “Christmas was my favorite holiday because of you. Because I spent all of them with you. Because you told me you loved me for the first time on Christmas. It was my favorite holiday because of you. Even when you didn’t show up on Thanksgiving, I still had hope for Christmas. I got you that present after I returned to North Carolina. It might not mean anything to you, but it meant everything to me. Merry Christmas, Evan.”
She watched his eyes consume with tears, and Alex knew she had left him with words to think over at night.
Words she was happy to give him and leave her.
Words she had kept since that Christmas.
The steam from the shower fogged up the bathroom mirror, causing Alex to pick up a towel and wipe the condensation away. It revealed her reflection as she dropped the small towel. She leaned in closer and took in her slightly red eyes. They weren’t as bad as she thought they would be. She knew that the hot water from her long shower had helped. Under the spray of water, she let her phone play music from her bathroom speakers and allowed her mind to wander.
To get lost in the music rather than her heart’s pain.
It had worked for the duration of her shower.
She felt better.
Not complete, but better.
Like a piece of the truth was traded for a piece of freedom.
Alex removed the towel wrapped around her hair and let her wet brunette locks fall down her chest. Suddenly, she heard muffled sounds on the other side of her bathroom door. She paused the song that was playing and listened. Her heart sank when she realized whose voice it was. Abandoning getting dressed, Alex rushed to the bathroom door and yanked it open.
In front of her was Evan pinned against the wall by her father. The rage on his face was one she had never seen before. Her father was usually a calm, gentle man. But right now, she didn’t recognize him.
“Dad!” she screamed. It seemed her voice only aggravated her father more. Evan flinched as if her father pushed him harder against the wall. “What are you doing, Dad?”
“I came to check on you and found him on your bed while you’re in the shower! You took advantage of my little girl in my own home, you bastard!” her father accused.
Alex quickly advanced toward them, afraid her father would hurt Evan.
“Mr. Parker,” Evan pleaded.
“All you’ve ever done is hurt my daughter. She’s vulnerable right now, and you took advantage of that. Of her. She’s finally happy, and you—”
“Dad!” she barked, finally getting his attention. His green eyes flashed with rage and disappointment. “We didn’t sleep together. Evan brought me home because I was drinking last night in the city. I was stupid, and anyone could have taken my picture and sold it to magazines. I would have disappointed you and Mum. Evan kept me safe. I promise, he didn’t touch me.”
“You’re not lying to me?” her father asked.
Alex set her hand on her father’s arm. She didn’t pry his hold from Evan. “I promise.”
After a huff, her father finally let Evan go and faced her. The pure agony on his face was one Alex felt guilty for inflicting. “He has never kept you safe, Alexandra. You’re ruining your relationship with Landon.”
She shook her head. “Dad, Landon broke up with me.”
“What?”
“It’s why I’m home. He chose the NBA over me. I’m not ruining a relationship that’s already over. And …”
“And?”
Alex squared her shoulders, knowing what she had to do and say for all of them. “I will never fall in love with Evan Gilmore again. I know you’re mad, but you overreacted and didn’t let me explain. You just charged at Evan. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything about my relationship with Landon, but I didn’t know how to deal with it. I love him, Dad. You know that. Now please, just go.”
“Okay,” her father said before he left her room, leaving her alone with Evan.
She turned her attention to Evan. “I’m sad and heartbroken because I deserve to be happy. I was happy with you, Evan, but then you took that away. I was finally happy with Landon, and then your stupid calls and ESPN interview got in the way. It wasn’t all your fault, but I didn’t need your calls or to witness your interview. I was happy.”
Evan nodded, his sadness on full display. Then he turned, walked past her and entered her bathroom. He returned to her moments later and grasped her hand. He set something cold and rectangle in her palm. She didn’t look down, hypnotized by the pain that flashed in his brown eyes.
And then he smiled.
Not completely.
But it was faint.
“Call him, Alexandra. You love him. You chose him. You just promised—your father as our witness—that you’d never love me again, so call him. I’ll go.”
Alex nodded and noticed from the corner of her eye his present. Walking over to her bed, she picked up the present and turned, ready to give it to him.
Evan shook his head, causing her to stop. “It meant everything to you, and the moment I open it, I’d fight like hell to get you to fall in love with me again. And we can’t let that happen.” His lips stretched farther into a smile. “I just want you to be happy. If you ever need me to help you find AJ again, you know where to find me.”
And then, within a single second, she watched Evan turn and leave her behind as he exited her room.
He left her with a promise, and Alex knew all too well that his promises meant nothing. But the promise of finding AJ coerced her foolish heart into believing him once again.
64 Gd
gadolinium
AJ
Freshmen year of college
It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon, and AJ sat on her favorite bench in Sarah P. Duke Gardens, reading the article about the Swiss physicist who was making groundbreaking discoveries. The first time AJ heard about Dr. Vincent Rodahawe’s work had been through her high school physics teacher, Mr. Miller. The doctor was younger than her father and had already been nominated numerous times for the Nobel Prize. He was an inspiration, and everyone wanted to work for him. AJ hoped to meet him someday. Just as she was about to flip the page, a paper cup was held before her, stopping her.
She smiled, shaking her head. “You’re late.”
“I know,” he said with a sigh as AJ took the cup from him. She closed the magazine and set it next to her on the bench. “Coach kept talking about the championship game next week.”
AJ turned slightly and smiled at him. In just his Duke basketball training shirt and gray sweatpants, he was a sight to behold. But the unease on his face made her heart flutter. He trusted her with his real emotions. “Are you nervous?”
“Honestly?”
She nodded and then sipped the hot decaf tea he had gotten her.
“I am,” he said with a nervous smile on his lips. She knew he wouldn’t admit it to his teammates. Landon got off the garden bench he had claimed as his and dug a hand into his pocket. Then he pulled out a ticket and gave it to her. “No expectations, Alex.”
“You got me a ticket to your championship game?” AJ set the paper cup next to her and glanced down at the ticket.
“We’re friends. Just thought you might want to come to the little basketball game I’m playing in.”
“Little?” AJ asked with a laugh. “Landon, all of Duke is decked out in blue, and everyone is chanting. It’s not a little game … but why do you want me at your game?”
His blue eyes gleamed bright at her question. “You’ve been at every home game since we got back from Christmas break. I’d hate for you to miss a game now that you’re a devoted Blue Devil.”
AJ rolled her eyes. “I go to the games to keep Sav company.”
“Speaking of Sav—” He reached into his pocket and produced another ticket.
She took the ticket from him. “You got Sav a ticket?”
“So you’re not alone at the game. Just think about it. And hey, if you decide to miss it, how about dinner … as friends?”
“We’ll see,” she replied the same way she had always answered his question about dinner.
It had been four months of him asking between their study sessions, coffee hangouts, and basketball games. When AJ wasn’t with Savannah or studying alone, she was with Landon. She hadn’t meant for them to end up being so close, but he had found her studying after Christmas break and suggested taking a walk. That smile of his always had her saying yes—to everything but dinner together.
The beeping of her phone had AJ reaching into her coat pocket and pulling it out. Though it was spring in North Carolina, and the campus and gardens were beautiful, there was still a cool wind that AJ could not stand without wearing a coat. She unlocked her phone to find that it was her lab partner, Mika. She liked Mika. It was their first time being lab partners, but she enjoyed his work ethic and wouldn’t mind being lab partners in their future classes together.
Mika: Hey, Alex. Got our lab time extended since the pair in the previous time slot doesn’t want it. Meet you at the labs in ten minutes?
Alex: That’s great, Mika! I’m leaving right now.
Once she sent the message, she stuffed her phone into her pocket, picked up her bag, and slipped the basketball tickets inside. Then she grabbed her tea and science magazine.
“I gotta run,” she said. She saw the amusement on his face. It was clear he didn’t miss her not answering his dinner question once again.
“Go,” he insisted.
AJ nodded and began to make her way down the trail and toward the garden’s exit. But she came to a stop. She felt like she’d left a loose end behind. It had been four months.
And AJ knew her feelings around Landon.
It didn’t seem right to continue to leave him with vague answers. She bit her lip and thought it through. They were friends. He was good to her. Whenever she needed someone and Savannah wasn’t around, Landon was there for her. And that was what she needed.
“Hey, Landon?” she said after she spun around.
“Yeah?” His brow raised at her, confusion consuming his face.
“Thank you.”
“For?”
She laughed as she returned to him. Letting out a breath of air and telling herself to be a little fearless, she bent her knees and pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek. Then she looked him in his bright blues and said, “For four months of being everything.”
Landon Carmichael grinned. His eyes softening at her. “So I’ll see you at the game?”
“We’ll see. I have papers and notes to write for finals.”
He tilted his head at her. “I promise I’ll help you write your papers and notes for your finals. Just come to the game.”
“Beg me.”
Desire flashed in his blue eyes as he cupped her face, holding her in place. “I’m begging you, as my friend, please come to my game, Alex.”
She bit back a laugh. “Connecticut …”
“Massachusetts …”
“I’ll see you later,” she said, knowing that she’d be at his game but leaving him with her vagueness once more.
