Be A Doll

by Stephanie Witter

  “You told me to leave.’’

  “I wanted to give you what you wanted.’’

  “What? I never said that I wanted to leave, Mathis. I felt something switching between us. I thought…’’ I trailed off, tears fogging up my vision. “And then you said you wanted a divorce. I can’t let you toy with my feelings.’’

  “I’m not toying with your feelings.’’ He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my top lip. His beard was foreign on my skin, but the way he kissed me reminded me of that time after what had happened on the couch. “I know you want the freedom to build your own life away from anything reminding you of your past on the streets and Carter Manor. I know you want to get a choice in every aspect of your life. You deserve that and…’’

  He was the one not finishing his sentence then, but he didn’t need to.

  “You wanted to give me that chance,’’ I whispered, voice shaking as I caressed his cheek and his beard with one hand and put the other one over his heart under his open coat. It was beating hard under my palm, so fast that it rivaled with my own. It made me want to believe him, to throw caution to the wind and launch myself into his arms, but my badly shattered heart held me back. “I didn’t have a choice, though.’’

  “I didn’t want to keep you in my life when I loved you and I knew you didn’t feel the same. It hurt to think that you wouldn’t really fall for me like I was falling for you, but then I pushed you away and discovered what it was like to lose you completely. It hurt so damn bad, Lila. My heart was burned to ashes and the wounds left behind kept on bleeding everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. It never stopped hurting, not once during the past two weeks and one day. I’m asking for a chance to show you that a life with me could be good. I want to get a chance at love with you and give you everything you ever dreamed of and more.’’ He traced my lips with his thumb. “You gave my life back and forced me to start shedding the façade I had on in a sordid way to remember my brother, so let me give you the happiness you deserve. I’ll never be easy to live with and I know I won’t be able not to toy with you just to see the fire inside you burn brighter, but I can give you my heart, my body, my damn soul. I’ll give you everything, Lila, because all I have means nothing if I can’t share it with you.’’

  “But—‘’

  He put his thumb back on my lips and shook his head once. “Look in my eyes, Lila. You can read me a lot better than I’m comfortable with. Tell me you don’t see that I love you. Tell me you don’t see the signs of someone suffering from missing you. Tell me you can’t see I broke my own damn heart.’’ His eyes trailed over my face, starting with my eyes and then down to stop on my mouth and then up again. “Is there a chance that I can stay in your life and show you the kind of life I can give you? Is there a small chance that you want me in your life?’’

  “How do I know it’s not a fluke?’’ I traced the ring under his left eye with the tip of my fingers and watched as he sucked on his lower lip, his brows bunched over his eyes. “How do I know you won’t turn your back on me come next month and leave me alone again? I can’t go through this again. It hurts too much, way too much.’’

  ***

  MATHIS

  My stomach tumbled, my heart flew through my chest. My whole body vibrated at having her so close without having her. Not once in a million years did I ever picture myself professing my love like a damn fool on a sidewalk. All my adult life I had been distant to everybody, never reaching out to anybody and only striving in my work life and even further back I had no recollection of ever saying I love you to anybody. I never thought it’d be so easy to say the words, but that it would hurt so damn bad to say it and let the words hang there between us when she was trying to put more distance between us, pulling back when all I wanted was to pull her in and tell me that she would give me a chance.

  Also, knowing that I hurt her made me want to beat myself up.

  My hands cupping her delicate face, I couldn’t look away from her cornflower blue eyes, the way they shone with unshed tears she fought off or how her lips kept on drawing me closer, trembling.

  “I can prove to you every day you give me that I don’t want you anywhere but in my life, Lila. That’s all I can do because I can’t get a ruler to measure up my love for you or my commitment. I’m beginning to realize that starting a relationship is a leap of faith. Coming here to Boston was my leap of faith.’’ I kissed the tip of her little nose all red from the biting cold. I couldn’t keep my lips away from her. “Do you think you could fall in love with me one day?’’

  She tried turning her head away from me, but I forced her to stay there with her eyes on mine. My blood buzzed at my temples as tension made me shake more. Lila was the first choice I made that was truly for me. It wasn’t for my mother’s benefit, business or anything else. Lila was my very own choice, a woman like no other with the kind of fire in her that called out to my own extinguished on a beach one summer morning nineteen years and three months ago in the ocean.

  “Don’t look away from me. Tell me.’’

  Her small hands on my chest felt amazing, calling out sensory memories when she would touch me. I craved her skin against mine, the way she begged me to make her come, the connection that shocked me when nothing was between us and we let go.

  “This is scary,’’ she whispered, her eyes pleading with me to drop my hands from her face and let her walk away, but the pain inside me, the damn stupid hope I held onto prevented me to. “I have nothing, Mathis. You could stamp on me and burn me to ashes and I would be left all alone. Money wouldn’t put me back on my feet.’’

  “You have my heart, Lila. It’s battered, it’s shattered too and it is in bad shape all together, but it’s yours. If you think for one moment I’m a fickle man who changes his mind at every turn you’re mistaken. I want to be with you, but only if you want to be with me and you don’t hold back.’’ I caressed the arch of her high cheekbones with my thumbs and went to drop my hands, but Lila gripped my forearms. I didn’t know where I stood. Did she want me to leave her? Did she want me? I had no idea what she wanted, what she felt.

  “Why do you think it hurt this much and I’m scared?’’ she asked me, her quivering voice tugging at my heartstrings, awakening my protective instinct that told me to gather her in my arms and protect her from everything, even her emotions and mine. It was so foreign. “I was falling in love with you, Mathis. You broke my heart.’’

  “I made a mess of things,’’ I said, eyes deep on hers as not to escape her pain even if it made my own all the more vivid. I deserved it if I hurt her, if I made her feel just a smidgen of what I had been feeling these past two weeks, then I deserved a lot more than shouldering her pain and mine. “It was never my intention to break your heart. A broken heart hurts so much, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.’’ I traced the rings under her eyes matching my own. “Will you let me mend your heart and give a chance for mine to beat for you as long as you want me?’’

  “Mathis…’’ Her hands squeezed my forearms as her brows lowered further. “You can’t promise me anything when you’re dealing with a lot already. Don’t make me a promise you can’t keep.’’

  “I’m not promising you anything but doing my best for you. I promise to take care of your heart because it’s the most precious thing you could ever give me. Isn’t that what anybody promises when they start a meaningful relationship? I’m in love with you, Lila. I can’t give you a big speech to convince you because I’m not wired like that. I can’t show you the depth of my feelings for you with words because I believe actions speak louder in this instance and only you can give me a chance to show you. I can’t promise you forever because we both know how life can screw us over and tilt our world upside down, but I can promise you to love you with everything I am, broken, lost and every other piece in between. I can promise you to give you all that I am because I have no more secrets. You uncovered me as a whole, Lila.’’ I breathed deeply and touched a strand of her smooth
hair, tugging it behind her delicate ear and the small diamond earring there. “I can give you the time you need to think it over and if you want to go forth with the divorce, I’ll make a call to my lawyer to send you the papers. I… wasn’t able to go through with it yet. A part of me hoped something would happen to bring you back to me, but my father made me realize that I owed it to you as much as myself to give you a choice instead of calling the shots.’’

  “Your father?’’

  I nodded and pulled back, my fingers tingling and itching when my skin left hers. My nature told me that I should kiss her until she forgot everything and let me have her, but using sex and our lust wouldn’t be right. I didn’t want her to be with me because I fucked her well. I wanted her to be with me because her heart died without me, just like mine cried out in pain in my chest as I took a step back, keeping her in my line of sight a little while longer.

  The wind hit her from behind, dislodging the small strand of hair I had put behind her ear. I watched it hit her face before she pushed it back with unsteady fingers. She was gorgeous, not just because she was a beautiful, sexy and classy woman, but because she was strong, good and still held hope even when life had mistreated her greatly. A woman like her would make any man fall to his knees for her. I wouldn’t have been able to open up and fall for another woman.

  “Wait,’’ she said, her voice carried away from me by the wind, but I read the word on her plush lips.

  I stopped there, tensing, hoping. “What?’’ I pressed on when she didn’t say another word.

  She closed the space between us again and reached up, getting on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around my neck and tucking her face in the crook of my neck. She breathed out into my skin and I shivered, wrapping her tightly in my arms, silently begging her to never let me drop my arms from around her.

  “Please, don’t ever drop me, Mathis. I may not be a doll like Carter Manor wanted me to be, but my heart is as fragile as a china doll. Don’t make me regret my love for you.’’

  I closed my eyelids tightly and buried my face against her shoulder, crouching to better envelope her in me. “Believe me, I’m a lot more fragile than you think, probably more fragile than you are.’’ I kissed her just under her little ear. She trembled in my arms and I never wanted to crawl in someone else’s before, but she made me want to so I could be as close to her as I possibly could. “Thank you for giving me a chance, Lila.’’

  I forgot that we were in the middle of a sidewalk in Boston. I forgot that Lucas was waiting nearby leaning against a rented car. I forgot about Lila’s bodyguard lurking somewhere. I didn’t think about business or Carter Manor. Lila was the only one on my mind, filling my heart and giving my breath back.

  Selfishly, nothing else mattered but Lila and me.

  LILA

  One year later…

  I stared at my husband with disbelief written all over my face. My fingers slackened around the tiny piece of soft fabric in my hands. “What does this mean?’’

  His smile tensed, the smile that I had seen more and more every day since Boston, a smile that had nothing to do with his usual smirk. His smirk only appeared when he had a wicked idea and he was preparing to talk dirty to me or touch me inappropriately in an inappropriate place, usually public. Over the past year, I had learned to discover Mathis, the real Mathis he had buried under years of unsolved grief. He was still sometimes distant and cold, still a businessman to be feared and he still needed his control, but he was also playful, kind, sweet and so full of love I never went a day without knowing exactly how he felt about me, how he needed me in his life. He often said that my fire warmed him, but he lit up my world and made me see beyond the darkness and the gray areas I had thought was the world around me. He made me crave everything life had to offer and made me love him more every day.

  But this was coming from left field.

  He cleared his throat and scratched at his scruff, another gift for me on our one-year anniversary, the one year marking the day we took that leap of faith to be more than simply spouses in an arranged marriage. He pointed at my hands, barely holding onto the small piece of fabric.

  “An idea?’’

  “An idea?’’ I echoed and glanced down.

  In between my slack fingers laid a tiny white onesie with a funny penguin sewn on the front.

  “I love you, Lila,’’ he said, his smile turning more boyish, going at odds with the suit he had on and the aura that exuded from him. It never failed to make me swoon more than I always did when thinking of him or looking at him. “I want everything with you and making a baby with you that would be a piece of you and me? That would be the ultimate gift life could give me.’’ He brushed away a strand of hair hanging in my face and pushed it behind my ear. His fingers caressed my cheek gently, but the simple touch resonated inside me, spreading through me. “Like I said, it’s an idea.’’

  “We never talked about babies before.’’

  “I know.’’ One of his big hands went to the one still limply holding the onesie and he linked our fingers together, the onesie between our palms. “This is my way of saying, whenever you’re ready I am. You’re the love of my life, Lila, and you make me want things I never thought I would ever want.’’

  “Like what?’’ I asked, my smile coming back as my heart settled, swelling with emotions, but beating steadier now.

  He smiled down at our linked hands. “Uh, a house outside of New York so we could have a backyard for the children, a dog, vacations to tropical islands so I can lust after your bikini clad body, vacations in the mountains so I can warm you up in front of a fire.’’ His smile turned more peaceful as his eyes fixed on mine. “Grow old with you somewhere peaceful. Everything I want and dream of has you in it. I want everything. I’m a greedy bastard, anybody who knows me is aware of it. I’m not stuck in the past anymore, not since you gave me a future to look forward to.’’

  “A baby,’’ I whispered, picturing Mathis with a little baby in his big arms, cuddling and smiling down at a piece of us both, the perfect proof of what our kind of love could create. “Would you be ready to play dolls with the baby if we have a girl?’’

  “I played with you, didn’t I?’’ He smirked then and leaned closer to me to give me the kind of kisses I never tired of, the kind that made my heart pitter-patter, the kind that made me press my thighs together and my toes curl.

  It took me a really long time and a lot of pain to get a life I dreamed of, and right in the arms of my husband I had no doubt that my dreams hadn’t done my life any justice. My reality was a lot better than any dreams I ever had before meeting Mathis Grimes.

  Author’s Babbling

  It’s always difficult for me to write this part, but I’ll be honest and say that this is not the hardest part. Oh no! The hardest is to actually write the book, and this huge beast of a novel is no exception.

  First, I’d like to thank Jo Raven, my amazing author friend, who has been supporting me while I was writing the first draft of Be A Doll. She never failed to post pictures of Dean, and sometimes of Dean and Sam from Supernatural as a motivation. Seriously, Jensen Ackles makes the best of faces and he’s pretty to look at so it’s always a bonus. :P

  Jo, I will always think of this book and Supernatural together from now on, even if the two have nothing in common. You’re a wonderful friend and I’m very lucky our respective books put you on my path.

  Let me keep being all sappy by thanking Karen Swart and Jacqueline C. for your input regarding my cover when I was all panicky. I have no idea if others love it, but at least it’s good to know that you do. It only takes a few words to put someone’s mind at ease and ground them.

  I also want to thank Phala, Kia, Louise, Lina (I bet I’m forgetting someone so keep in mind I’m writing this just minutes after writing ‘the end’ and my brain is fried) for your kindness and support. It’s so great to see you following me and cheering me along the way. I hope this new book doesn’t disappoint.

 
Because I wrote half of this book during November with NaNoWriMo, I have a special ‘thank you’ to address the Facebook group NaNoWriMo2016 Freak Out and its members for the writing sprints that pushed me to write more than I would have otherwise, for the support and encouragement and the overall friendship that made some days more exciting to write.

  When you launch a book, you can’t do much without the help and hard work of bloggers. I want to list all of you for your help, your reviews, your promo posts and overall greatness, but it’d be a list way too long. You are amazing and your love of books is another reason that makes me want to write and publish more books. I can’t wait to discover more of your book recommendations. After all, as any bookworm I’m always looking to add more books to my Kindle. Apparently, over two thousand isn’t enough.

  Last, but not least, I want to say a big THANK YOU to Ellie. I know you’re currently editing this right now, so I’ll keep it short. I’m sure you’re eager to finish this monster book. Thank you for your work, for your dedication to the authors you work with and for always telling me you’ll find a way to fit me in your insanely busy schedule. You rock! (Let’s hope this book does well now). :D

  About Stephanie Witter

  Stephanie Witter, in her twenties, lives in France where she comes up with book ideas on her laptop, notebook or phone. When she’s not writing the day away, she likes visiting museums or shopping to add another nail polish to her already huge collection. She’s also unable to resist the appeal of new books, even when she knows she can’t possibly have the time to read yet another one. She’s happy to have a to-read pile so high she can never put a dent into it even if she tries her best.