Texas Hold 'Em

by PATRICK KAMPMAN

  “Mine is not made up,” I said.

  “Neither is mine. It’s Basque. I’m sure there wouldn’t be anything unusual about my given name in this era, but once you’ve been called something for a couple of centuries, it sticks. I’ve grown attached to Marie. I think it suits me, don’t you?”

  Her inquisitive look begged for affirmation, so I gave it. “Yeah, it does.”

  She looked pleased. I said the two names together a couple of times in my head. The similarity was obvious, and I felt stupid.

  “I told you, Chance, she’s vampire royalty!” said Jacob, an expression of awe and terror still on his face.

  “Vampire royalty?” This was going from hard-to-swallow to impossible. Being in charge of a group of vampires was hard enough to imagine, but a member of the aristocracy was pushing it. Though, they did tend to inbreed, so maybe….

  My question had been directed at Marie, but Jacob answered. “We’re talking about vampire society, Chance. Up until now, you’ve been clearing out the dregs. Those vampires you killed over the last six months—they were feral. The vamps were happy you got rid of them because their type draws too much attention. Most vampires are different: they can blend in.”

  Marie nodded in agreement.

  “I kind of figured that out all by myself. I met my share of the non- feral type out in California.”

  “You don’t understand,” Jacob said, completely ignoring what I’d said. “Back then we were hunting the same types of vamps you were. The ones that weren’t cleaning up their messes as well as they should have. That’s how we found them. We never discovered that whole feudal society… not until we got lucky, so to speak, and stumbled onto Christian. That’s when I started digging, and you won’t believe what I uncovered.”

  Marie cleared her throat, then smiled and jiggled her still- outstretched hand at Jacob. He clearly had no idea why.

  “Okay, so mainstream vampires have this whole structured society going on. I gathered that back in California. Same as the werewolves. What’s your point?” I asked.

  “My point is that there is a hierarchy. It’s like the old-time royalty. It’s all very formal, and Marie is a master—she’s at the top of that hierarchy. She’s a member of the council.”

  Marie cleared her throat again and this time it elicited an irritated “What?” out of Jacob. He was too upset at having his lecture interrupted to worry about snapping at a vampire.

  “I’m not on the council. Few masters are. The council only has thirteen seats, and over fifty masters live in the United States.”

  He waved her off. “Whatever, fine. Anyway, my point is, she’s high up.”

  “Council?” I asked. It was the first I had heard of any vampire council.

  “They’re the ones that make all the rules. They run things. They are the vampire government.”

  I saw where this was going. If you replaced “council” with men in black suits, or Illuminati, I’d had this conversation with Jacob before.

  Jacob continued, settling into his oration. “You see, the vampires have an entire set of laws they follow, and the council not only makes the laws, they get to play judge, jury, and executioner when someone breaks them. The council is powerful, made up of the oldest and strongest among them.

  “Can you imagine the knowledge they would have, Chance? Why, if we could bag even one of them, we could learn where every nest was in the country. Plus, I heard rumor they have a library. Journals they’ve kept for millennia. Can you imagine the knowledge?” Jacob was rapidly going off on a tangent.

  “Why do they need laws?” I asked, wondering what they could be. No running at over forty-five miles per hour? No more than three humans a night if you were going to be driving?

  Marie answered this one with a line that appeared to be rehearsed.

  “The laws exist to protect us from being discovered, and they are enforced to provide order to our existence.” The rehearsed part ended when she added, “They suck. They were designed by people who were born and raised in an oppressive authoritarian society that is totally outdated. They are both out of touch with the times, and cumbersome.”

  “The rules, or the folks that make them?” asked Lacey.

  “Both, really,” said Marie.

  “And you want to change them?” Lacey prodded.

  “I’m more of a lover than a fighter. And I’m certainly not passionate enough about it all to be an anarchist. But I think someone should do something about it. Anyway Chance, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding about the master vampire thing. It happens all the time for some reason. Even among my own kind, if you can believe it.” I could.

  “To be honest, I’m surprised Jacob knows about me at all, let alone what I look like. And I’m certainly surprised at his knowledge of our ‘society,’ as he puts it. The fact that he has even heard of the council is quite amazing, even if one or two of his facts are a bit off.”

  She studied Jacob, her delicate features scrunching into a frown as she did so, causing the old man to fidget, averting his eyes. Then she brightened into her usual smile and Jacob fidgeted even more.

  “But, then again, Jacob’s always had a knack for finding things out! That’s what I like about him. And the information he’s collected over the years is truly amazing—maybe even up there with what the council has socked away. It’s impossible to put a value on it. I only hope that you were able to get most of it into those computers before it all burned.”

  Confusion clouded Jacob’s face, but before he could say anything, Marie continued. “I can’t wait to go over it with you sometime. Maybe when you get set up again we could meet and have a chat? I could help fill in some holes.”

  Unfortunately, Marie’s offer did not have a calming effect on Jacob. He produced a gun from somewhere and leveled it at her. Marie didn’t seem to care, though she did finally lower her hand after several minutes of holding it out in front of her, deciding that Jacob’s latest action meant he wasn’t going to be shaking it any time soon.

  “That level sucked,” said Bryan, finally putting his phone down. He noticed Jacob. “Dude, what’s up with the gun? It’s not cool to keep pointing those things at us. Haven’t you taken a basic firearms safety course?”

  “Apparently Marie is the master vampire around here, and that has upset Jacob. Well, that and the fact that she wants to get together and have a chat with him,” I explained.

  “Whoa, my old lady is the head vamp? So, does that mean I get free drinks at that club?” Leave it to Bryan to find an angle in the revelation.

  “Of course, honey, as long as it goes both ways.” Marie winked.

  “Shit, everybody wants a sip of the Bry.” My brother cocked his head as an idea managed to pop into existence. “I’m gonna start charging.”

  “Don’t quit your day job,” Lacey said, then quickly turned back to the phone. “No, not you! Don’t you dare put me on hold again!” She made a motion as if to throw the phone, thought better of it, then stuck it back to her ear.

  I tried to head off any hasty action on Jacob’s part. “Look, Jacob, Marie is...” I started, then trailed off. I wasn’t sure where to go with this. She wasn’t fine, exactly, and tolerable seemed insulting. I certainly wouldn’t call her a friend, especially after she had kept such a big secret from us. So I went back to the safe sounding, “...okay.”

  “She’s got you under her spell, Chance. She made you lead the way to my place so her bloodsucking brethren can kill us all.”

  “Well, I have to say I like ‘bloodsucking brethren’ better than being compared to bedbugs. But I’m not leading anyone anywhere. At least not right now,” said Marie, sitting back down next to Bryan.

  “My turn!” She plucked the phone out of his hands and started playing the game. Bryan shifted uncomfortably as Jacob’s gun continued to track Marie, meaning it was now pointed more or less in his direction.

  I walked up to Jacob and gently placed my hand on his shoulder.

  “Jacob, put down
the gun and come here. Let’s talk.” He stood unmoving for several seconds before lowering his weapon and following me down the hallway of the two-bedroom bungalow. Once we were out of earshot, I tried to reassure him. “Jacob, trust me. If Marie wanted us dead, she had plenty of opportunity. She could have killed me any number of times over the past day and I would have never seen it coming.”

  “Obviously she didn’t want you, did she? Why eat the minnow when she could follow it to the big tuna?”

  “Big tuna?”

  “I’m well known, Chance. I told you, knowledge is power, and I have a lot of it. You heard her: she can’t wait to get her fangs into me. The vamps would give anything to find out what I know. Do you realize what kind of damage they could do with the information I have?”

  “Jacob, not to deflate your ego, but first off, isn’t all of your information on them?”

  “Mostly, yes.”

  “So wouldn’t they already have it?”

  “Well…I mean, some of it is on vampires specifically, sure. But I have more! I have information on other hunters. I have stuff on werewolves, covens, the Illuminati, government conspiracies, including Area 51—that’s not aliens they’ve been hiding, by the way—the Fae…”

  I cut him off. “And secondly, I don’t think this was part of some grand plan that Marie cooked up to capture you. I can see Christian pulling off something like that, and maybe even Donovan back in California might manage it, but Marie’s got the brainpower of a walnut.”

  “Hey, that’s not nice!” hollered Marie from the other room. “It’s totally uncool to label someone because their appearance or behavior might not fit into your perfect little frame of how someone should look or act. Just because I don’t sit around some coffee shop with my nose stuck in a pretentious book, or typing away on a trendy tablet, or spouting off philosophy, doesn’t mean I’m stupid. Because I’m not, thankyouverymuch.”

  “But, unfortunately, she has the hearing of a bat,” I said, a little louder than was apparently necessary.

  “See, there you go stereotyping again. Vampires turning into bats is a harmful myth propagated by the supernatural community. They’re trying to marginalize us by associating vampires with flying rodents, thereby keeping us down. You could have likened me to a whale or moth, both of which, incidentally, have much better hearing than bats, yet with none of the negative stigma.”

  “I vote for the whale analogy,” said Lacey.

  “Are you guys disrespecting my girl? Don’t make me go over there,” came Bryan’s voice.

  “Aw, he’s so cute. Would you mind terribly if I keep him?” asked Marie.

  “No.” Everyone in the house answered in unison.

  I lowered my voice to normal volume again.

  “Honestly, Jacob, it’s okay. Marie is not going to kill you. Besides, you’re going to be getting out of town soon, right? So it’s not a big deal this place is compromised.” I hoped that was true on both counts. I had no idea what Marie wanted, or whom she might or might not kill. With the revelation about her current status in the vampire hierarchy, I was worried about her intentions myself.

  But Jacob finally nodded, and engaged the safety on the weapon as we headed back into the main part of the house. I only hoped Jacob hadn’t gotten into in his head that it would be more prudent to launch a stealth strike and try a second time to firebomb us while we slept.

  Marie was still playing on Bryan’s phone while my brother leaned in, shouting tips and pointing. This elicited frowns and hand batting from Marie.

  “And there’s an extra five in it for you if you make it here in thirty minutes.” Lacey hung up her phone. The order for a couple of extra-large pizzas now placed, she decided to pass the time until they arrived by grilling Marie. “Why didn’t you tell us back at Styx that you were the vampire we came to talk to?”

  Marie answered her without looking up from the phone. “Bryan and I were kind of busy, and Reginald has so much fun playing lord....Why take that away from him? You didn’t seem to mind, so I figured I’d let you all continue. I mean, it’s not like you ever asked if he was in charge, you kind of assumed. And you know what they say about assumptions….”

  “So you’re not working for Christian?” I asked.

  She glanced up at me. “Oh, Lord, no. Kind of the opposite. When you told me you were after him, I figured I got a lucky break. I thought you might take care of that little problem for me. To be honest, I’d hoped you would be done by now. I don’t mean to be a downer, but for vampire hunters, you don’t seem to be especially good. I was expecting you to be a little better at this, you know?”

  “You want Christian dead?”

  “I have for a while now,” Marie admitted, going back to the game. “Why do you think I keep leading you guys to him? I only wish you would try a little harder. I thought you had it the last time. After seeing neither hide nor hair of him for two decades, I was sure he was dead—until he turned up again six months ago. Like a bad penny. All dull and crusty. You know how pennies are—they take up space, but they aren’t worth anything.” She looked up. “It was a shock, and not a particularly pleasant one.”

  “What do you mean ‘the last time?’ You’ve steered us to him before?” I asked, confused.

  She smiled and nodded. “A couple of times, but the last one I thought you had it.”

  An unpleasant thought struck me. “So you were the one that called Robert a couple of weeks ago and led us all into that ambush at the ranch.”

  “No, not that time.” She sensed my skepticism and added, “Honest. I’m not sure who called you guys. No, I was referring to before that. Back in the eighties.”

  “Wait a second!” said Jacob.

  Marie’s smile got wide and she touched her index finger to her nose. “Bingo! Who else do you think gave you the information about Christian?”

  When a stunned Jacob didn’t answer, Marie continued, “Jacob and his friends had done such a wonderful job for me keeping this place cleaned up, I figured they might be able to handle Christian.”

  The realization slowly spread across Jacob’s face like a plague. “You’ re the one that called me? Gave me that tip about Christian and those girls he had been holding captive?”

  “Of course I was. You never would have found him on your own; he was much too clever for you.”

  “So Christian was breaking the rules like these other vampires you had sent the hunters after?” I asked.

  Slowly, Jacob answered for her. “No, I don’t think he was. We never found any girls being trapped and drained like the caller claimed. We never found a single person in that house that I believed was being held against their will. She simply wanted Christian out of the way, and used us to do it.”

  “Wow. Ambitious much?” asked Lacey.

  “I’m not ‘ambitious,’ I simply think I can do a better job,” Marie said. “As a matter of fact, I know I can. I was doing fine until Christian rolled into town a hundred years ago thinking he would take this part of Texas out from under me.” She smiled. “So Jacob, tell me honestly, do you think the bit about all those women prisoners was too over the top? Reginald and I argued about it, but in the end I won out. He wanted me to tell you there was a huge nest of vampires. But I wanted it to be more dramatic, you know? I wanted it to mean something to your team when you killed them.”

  Jacob was in no state to answer, so I did for him.

  “I’m sure they appreciated it, Marie. That was a nice gesture,” I said lamely, wondering when the after-effects of Marie’s blood would wear off. “But let me make sure I have this straight. You were the master around here, then one day Christian came and displaced you, so you tried to kill him?”

  Marie gave a funny shrug. “When you say it like that, it sounds like an overreaction, but you have to understand, he acted like some kind of savior. He strode into town implying the way we had been doing things for decades was somehow wrong, and the way the council wanted it done was right. He shoved all of these la
ws down our throats. It was totally uncool.” She paused for a second, engrossed in a particularly challenging part of the game.

  “Right. So you tried to have him killed.”

  Marie put the game to the side and looked up at the ceiling. “Well, he wasn’t going to go away otherwise. Look, Chance, that’s one of the reasons I left Europe in the first place—to get away from all of the baggage, all of the laws, all of the formality. I wanted to be free! And it was great while it lasted, until the council made it across the pond and brought their rules with them.”

  “I thought you said you weren’t an anarchist?” asked Lacey.

  “I’m not. I mean, some rules are okay, but they have so many. Reginald likes it, but I could never get into the groove, you know what I mean? When the council first came from Europe, they started on the East Coast. That kept them busy for a while, but eventually they started expanding west and finally, here they were. Christian was their appointee to take over Texas. He was on the council, by the way,” she said to Jacob.

  “Why not let you continue to run Texas? Couldn’t they have left you in charge, but made you follow the rules?”

  “And I totally would have tried to work with that, but Christian had this thing about the Wild West. Some fancy he picked up from newspapers and dime novels. He had his heart set on Texas. And since he was a member of the council, I was out and he was in. He took it all away from me; I got to be Number Two. What a joy that was. He got all the fun bits and I was left with having to make sure everyone followed the rules I didn’t want in the first place.”

  “Like a vampiric hall monitor,” supplied Lacey.

  “Exactly,” said Marie, picking the game back up.

  “And you decided to use vampire hunters to do it?” I asked.

  She glanced over the top of the phone. “It seemed like an obvious choice to me. I’m not much for direct confrontation myself.”