‘Yeah, well, it was an underprivileged area and there were other kids a lot worse off than me. And to be honest, I wasn’t interested in their help. I wanted to prove to myself I could manage on my own.’
Jess thought about her own cushy upbringing. Despite the feeling of never managing to become the daughter her mother wanted, she’d never had to worry about coping without enough food or sleep.
Shame washed over her in a hot wave, prickling at her skin, as she realised she’d allowed herself to prejudge Xander, before finding out the reasons for him acting the way he did. It wasn’t because he got off on it and enjoyed the notoriety—although that obviously played a small part—it was because he was trying to live his life at triple the speed to make up for what he’d lost in the past.
She couldn’t fault him for that.
‘You’re incredible,’ she blurted. ‘Look at what you’ve done with your life. You’ve made it count with no support and no qualifications.’
‘Yeah, well, I’m stubborn like that,’ he said on a smile.
‘It’s impressive.’
‘Thanks.’ He readjusted his position on the rug, drawing his body closer to her.
An intense longing shot through her, taking her right to the edge of her comfort zone. If she’d thought she’d wanted him before, it was nothing to how much she wanted him now. These insights into his character both fascinated and terrified her—she could totally see why he kept himself so emotionally distant from his partners—but did that mean he’d never be able to settle down with one person?
From what he’d said the night before, it certainly sounded as if he’d decided that was the case.
But was there scope to change his mind?
Don’t even think about it, Jess.
‘What did your father say when you became so successful?’ she asked, trying to steer her thoughts back to safer ground. ‘He must have been proud of you for what you’ve achieved?’
Xander barked out a harsh laugh, making her jump. ‘Are you kidding? He never turned up to see any of the stuff I’ve showcased. He thought art was a waste of time. He thought I was a waste of time.’
‘So you never reconciled things with him? Even after you left home and made it big?’
‘You could say that. The last time we laid eyes on each other he told me he wished I hadn’t been born because then my mother would still be alive.’
‘Oh, my God, Xander, that’s awful.’
He shrugged, clearly going for cool nonchalance, but as she continued to look at him he turned away so she couldn’t see his face any more.
‘But he raised you. He must have cared about you in some way,’ she said, quietly.
‘It was a long time ago, Jess. I barely even think about it any more.’
He was lying; she could tell. It was obvious from the clip in his voice and the way his body had become rigid with tension.
She put a hand on his arm but he pulled it away and threw his plate back into the hamper.
‘Is this the kind of thing you’re after to impress your editor?’ he asked, his voice tinged with scorn.
Clearly she’d hit a nerve.
She shook her head quickly. ‘I want to try and understand what it is that drives you, to round the piece out and give a fair and honest representation of you as a person.’
‘Am I not interesting enough to write about without you feeling the need to expose my deepest, darkest secrets?’
‘Of course you are.’
Tears welled in her eyes and a thud of shame landed in her stomach as he turned back and she saw pain and disappointment in his expression.
‘I won’t write about any of that, I promise. I’m sorry for prying. It wasn’t to get some salacious gossip out of you; I was genuinely concerned.’
‘Well, you don’t need to be. I’ve coped fine without your pity up until this point.’
They gazed at each other in silence for a moment, before Xander turned away to look back out across the lake.
Now she was beginning to see the real Xander she felt a desperate urge to keep that side of him as protected as he did, to keep that side of him just for her.
What was happening to her? She’d been so determined not to fall for his charms when she first arrived here and now all she could think about was how to get closer to him, even though she knew there was little chance he’d ever be interested in a real relationship with her.
How could she want someone and something that terrified her so much?
She picked at her food some more, eventually laying the plate down on the rug in front of her in defeat. It had been delicious, but she just couldn’t bring herself to eat any more of it, not when her stomach felt as if it were full of rolling marbles.
‘You had enough?’ he asked, nodding at her abandoned plate.
‘Er, yeah.’ She was glad he couldn’t see how flushed her face was in the growing darkness.
After packing the remainder of the food back into the hamper in silence, he lay down on the rug and gazed up at the sky.
Jess couldn’t stop looking at him, thinking about how his powerful body would feel under her hands and how overwhelmed by his enigmatic presence she was, despite her determination to keep herself emotionally distant. He did something to her she couldn’t explain.
Turning his head, he caught her gawping at him.
‘Sorry for flipping out like that. Don’t take it personally—I’m just in a bit of a funk today,’ he said.
Shaking herself out of her trance, she fumbled around for the wherewithal to get herself back under control.
‘I can understand why you don’t feel comfortable talking to journalists about your past. It must have been really hard growing up like that.’
He sat up, turning to fully face her and brushing his hands together before carefully laying them on his lap. ‘Yeah, well, in my experience some journalists make it their life’s work to root out your most embarrassing secrets just to sell a few papers and get their byline next to the story.’
‘You have some embarrassing secrets? Can you tell me about those so I can cash in and make my fortune?’ she said, willing a gleam of mischief into her expression.
He raised an eyebrow at her, but smiled. ‘I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,’ he said, leaning forward so their eyes were on a level.
The smile dropped from her face as she struggled to deal with his sudden closeness. That feeling was back, the one from earlier, when she’d thought he was going to kiss her.
His gaze flicked from her eyes to her mouth and the surge of need to be kissed nearly made her crumple in a heap. She throbbed with it.
As if sensing her desperate want, he leant in farther, his seductive gaze locked with hers, closing the distance between them.
Her breath came shallow and fast from her lungs and her heart raced in her chest as his mouth came so close to hers she could feel the whisper of his breath on her lips.
She was frozen. Captivated. Caught. She dared not move a muscle in case she turned to dust in front of him.
‘What do you want from me, Jess?’ he murmured against her mouth so she felt the vibration of the sound on her skin and right down to her toes.
Closing her eyes, she grasped for a thin thread of courage to say what she wanted out loud, but the words wouldn’t come. They were stuck hard in the back of her throat.
Say it, Jess. Stop being such a coward and say it.
‘I want to touch you,’ she whispered. ‘I want to know what your body feels like.’
Opening her eyes, she saw he was looking at her intently. There wasn’t a trace of the condescension she’d expected to see, only acceptance and approval.
‘Go ahead.’ He drew back quickly from her, leaving a chasm of cool air where he’d once been and tugged his sh
irt over his head, revealing his amazing body.
Taking a deep, shaking breath, she stared at him in shock for a moment, her brain taking a second to catch up with the sudden and stupefying turn of events. Had he really just offered up his body for her to fondle?
Please let it be so.
‘Go on,’ he urged, taking one of her trembling hands in his and placing it against his warm chest.
His skin almost glowed in the lamplight, and it felt as soft as she’d imagined, more so if that was possible, and the hard muscle underneath moved gently under her touch as he readjusted his position.
Putting his hand over the back of hers, he lay back on the rug, pulling her with him so she had to kneel up and lean over him.
He nodded at her as if urging her on and she slowly moved her hand down his chest to the top of his stomach where the muscles swelled against his skin like perfectly formed moguls.
‘Is it everything you expected?’ he murmured, giving her a slow smile that made the blood rush and fizz between her legs.
‘Uh-huh,’ was all she managed as her whole body shook with the effort of not collapsing against him.
‘Okay, my turn.’
Before she knew what was happening, he sat up, grasping her shoulders and flipping her onto her back underneath him, trapping her legs between his knees and her wrists in his hands.
‘Just say the word, Jess, and I’ll let you go.’ He leant in closer. ‘But please don’t,’ he begged. ‘I think I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get to touch you.’
She just stared up at him, befuddled and entranced by the fact that she had the ability to drive him crazy.
Had the world gone mad? Since when did she get to hold the cards with a man like this?
Since now, Jess.
He took her silence as consent and released her wrists so he could use his hands to stroke along the tops of her shoulders, before sweeping down and pushing up the sleeves of her top to uncover her arms.
It had been such a long time since she’d been touched like this that her body nearly melted with joy.
His touch was feather-light and slow, his fingertips sweeping over every inch of her bare arms, tracing the lines between her muscles and pausing on one of the many dark moles on her skin.
‘I love this mole here,’ he said, quietly. ‘It’s such a perfectly round shape. Beautiful.’ Moving on down her arms, he dipped his fingers into the well of her inner elbows. ‘Your skin is so soft,’ he said, swirling the pads of his fingers around the sensitive skin there until she thought she’d go crazy with it.
‘You have an amazing body, Jess,’ he said, his gaze moving down to take in the swell of her breasts as they pushed against her new—lucky—red top. ‘I’ve been thinking about it all day.’
Had he really?
Shuffling down her body, he moved one of his knees to release her legs, pushing it instead between her thighs to open her up to him.
Her heart raged in her chest as she realised what he was about to do, his hand dipping down to caress the soft skin of her inner thigh that her skirt didn’t cover.
‘Wait,’ she whispered so quietly he couldn’t have heard her.
Both of his hands were between her legs now, making gentle stroking sweeps up from her knees to the soft plumpness of her inner thighs, his thumbs drawing erotic figures of eight across her flesh.
Great crashing waves of need flowed over her, making the space between her legs ache and pulse with the demand to be touched.
Any second now, he’d move higher, to the line of her knickers, then higher... The thought brought her crashing back down to earth.
‘No.’ Her voice was loud this time, loud enough to make him pause in what he was doing.
‘Jess?’ His own voice was ragged and low and not at all steady. ‘What’s wrong?’
Shuffling back away from his touch, she pulled her skirt down hard to her knees before scrambling to get up. Her legs were like jelly as she backed away from him, stumbling on the uneven ground.
‘Jess? Where are you going?’ His voice was filled with genuine shock and concern.
‘I have to... I need to...’ She couldn’t form the words. They wouldn’t come. She had to get out of there but she couldn’t tell him why. She just couldn’t. It was too humiliating.
* * *
Xander stared after Jess’s retreating figure until she was swallowed up by the darkness.
He’d never been so frustrated in his life. His hands shook with the need to touch her again and the hard press of his erection against his trousers was almost painful.
He’d thought he was starting to get through to her, to help her realise just how sexy and attractive she really was, but she’d thrown up her wall again and he’d run right into it.
Goddamn it.
Perhaps he’d pushed her too hard too soon? But he couldn’t see how that could be the case. He’d been taking it way slower than he wanted to and she’d been there with him right up until the end.
The eating disorder had obviously had a huge psychological effect on the way she saw her own body, because from what he’d seen she had a fantastic figure, all soft curves in the right places but toned and sculpted from regular exercise. Out of bounds, though, obviously.
He knew he should leave it at that. He shouldn’t be doing this with someone like Jess when he had nothing more than his body to offer her, but he couldn’t stop himself. Didn’t want to. He felt some deep connection with her that he’d never experienced with anyone before and he wanted to explore it more. Despite her reluctance.
Was she afraid of what was happening between them and protecting herself? He couldn’t blame her; he didn’t exactly have a great reputation when it came to women and relationships.
But Jess wasn’t like the other women he’d dated.
This felt more special, more real. Partly because he was having to work hard to get her to trust him, but also because he wanted her to understand where he came from.
He wanted her approval.
And he wanted to go after her—like nothing he’d ever wanted before. He sensed she was worried about what was happening between them and he wanted to reassure her that there was nothing to be afraid of.
Jumping up, he pulled his shirt back on before heading off in the direction she’d disappeared.
There was no way in hell he was giving up on her now.
SIX
She was such a coward.
Jess slammed the door to her room hard in frustration. What the hell was she doing running away from Xander like that?
Truth was, she’d never had a one-night stand in her life and the thought of it petrified her. Especially with someone as intensely male as him.
She was scared of not being able to give him what he expected from her.
He must be used to bedding sexually confident women with their lithe, toned bodies and dexterity in the bedroom and he was going to be mightily disappointed when he found out how useless she was in bed.
A loud knock at the door made her jump in fright.
That couldn’t be him, could it? Surely he’d realised by now she wasn’t the type of woman he should be wasting his time with? He’d given her so many opportunities to take him up on his sexual invitations and she’d blown every one of them. He must be mightily bored with her inability to take the initiative by now.
She paused on the way to answer the door as an uncomfortable notion struck her. Perhaps he thought she was playing hard to get?
Had she really given him that impression?
She thought back to all the teasing and flirting she’d allowed herself to indulge in over the last couple of days.
Yup, she probably had.
Swinging the door open, she found him standing there with his thumbs casually hooked
into the belt loops of his jeans, like some vision from an advert for sex. Pushing her shoulders back, she attempted to convey cool control, all the while shaking in her shoes.
‘What do you want?’ she asked, her voice low and husky with nerves.
‘I want you,’ he said quietly and she sucked in a sharp breath as he suddenly advanced towards her, placing a hand each side of her jaw and pulling her towards him, his mouth pressing hard against hers before she could stop him.
His lips crushed her mouth, soft, yet hard with hunger as he forced her lips open so he could slide his tongue between them. He tasted delicious, like the most delectable main course and the sweetest dessert all wrapped up in one sensational feast.
Sliding his hands under her buttocks, he lifted her up against him and she felt the rigid length of his erection press against the agonisingly sensitised nerves between her legs.
She groaned low in her throat as he slammed her against the wall and pushed against her, increasing the delicious friction between their bodies.
‘I want you like this, Jess, just like this, fast and hard against the wall,’ he murmured against her mouth, his fingers slipping into her hair, holding her captive. ‘Then afterwards, slow and long...sliding into you over and over again.’
She nearly stopped breathing as the sound of those words washed over her, drenching her to her quivering bones. But she couldn’t let him expect that might happen.
She couldn’t.
Putting both hands against his shoulders, she pushed him away from her hard.
He stumbled back, catching himself before he fell against the bed and staring at her with a bewildered expression.
She wanted to cry.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
* * *
‘Jess, what is it?’ Xander took a step towards her but stopped his advance when she shrank against the wall.
‘I...don’t want to disappoint you,’ she said so quietly he almost missed it.
He stared at her, baffled. ‘You won’t.’
Moving towards her again, slowly this time, he wrapped his hands around her upper arms and manoeuvred her over to the bed, pushing her down gently to sit on it and kneeling in front of her between her thighs.
Lessons in Rule-Breaking Page 10
