Scoop

by Rene Gutteridge

  Praise for

  Scoop

  “Scoop is a hilarious, smart look at life inside the evening news. Gutteridge’s characterization is, as always, spot on and full of wisdom. I loved this book. Rene is one of the few authors who can make me laugh out loud.”

  —KRISTIN BILLERBECK, author of What a Girl Wants and A Girls Best Friend

  “The scoop on Scoop—a fun, irresistible read that also provides a thoughtful look at our cultures emphasis on youth, beauty, and the allure of bad news.”

  —MEREDITH EFKEN, speaker and author of SAHM I Am

  “The opening obituary in Scoop got my attention. The first page of Chapter 1 made me laugh. And then Rene Gutteridge’s writing talents sublimely piqued my curiosity. Not one of those uncontrollable responses waned until the end—when a new impulse arrived, one to yell, ‘No! Not the end!’”

  —CHARLENEANN BAUMBICH, author of the Dearest Dorothy series

  “A full line-up of fun, Scoop offers a hilarious, suspenseful show with a cast of enjoyable characters to love from sign-on to sign-off. Tune in to Rene Gutteridge’s latest today!”

  —LISA SAMSON, author of The Church Ladies, Straight Up, and Apples of Gold: A Parable of Purity

  OTHER NOVELS BY RENE GUTTERIDGE

  Boo

  Boo Who

  Boo Hiss

  My Life as a Doormat

  The Splitting Storm

  Storm Gathering

  Storm Surge

  For Susanna Aughtmon, my dear friend and the funniest woman I know!

  HAZARD

  PERCY MITCHELL HAZARD was born January 7, 1940, in Dallas, Texas, and passed away June 8 at the age of 65. He was born to Gordon and Ethel Hazard and raised in Austin, Texas. He was baptized at the age of fourteen at Christ the Lord Church. He married Lucy Boyd in 1962, and shortly thereafter moved to Piano. He worked as the manager of a feed store for two years before becoming a computer manager at the unemployment office. A dedicated and hard worker, he spent twenty-eight years of his life there until he was replaced by a computer and became unemployed. Determined to provide for his family, he and Lucy started their own successful clown business, The Hazard Clowns, entertaining children and adults alike. Many people knew him only as Hobo, but his family and friends knew him as a loving and kind man, full of wisdom and laughter. He is survived by his children: Mitchell, 26, married to Claire; Cassie, 24; Hank, 23; Mackenzie, 22; Hayden, 20; Avery, 18; Holt, 16. He will be greatly missed, but is now safely in the hands of his loving Father in heaven. Funeral services will be at Chapel Christian Church on Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.

  HAZARD

  LUCILLE “LUCY” MARGARET BOYD HAZARD was born February 15, 1945, in St. Louis, Missouri, to Gilbert Boyd, a pastor, and Wanda, a homemaker. She was raised in Louisville, Kentucky, where she spent most of her life until her family moved to Austin, Texas, where she met and married her husband, Percy. She had a long and distinguished career as Inspector 49 at Hanes until 1992, when the company was forced to downsize to 42 inspectors. As her husband lost his job three weeks earlier, they decided to start a clown business. Along with running The Hazard Clowns, this special woman homeschooled all seven of her beloved children. She went to be with her Lord on June 8. She is survived by her children: Mitchell, 26, married to Claire; Cassie, 24; Hank, 23; Mackenzie, 22; Hayden, 20; Avery, 18; Holt, 16. She died happily alongside her husband and will be laid to rest next to him at Resurrection Cemetery. She will be greatly missed by her family who adored and loved her. Funeral services are Tuesday at 10:00 a.m. at Chapel Christian Church.

  Chapter 1

  Your parents died with smiles on their faces,” the coroner had told the Hazard siblings.

  Hayden couldn’t help but replay his words as she watched the crowded grave-side service start to disperse. Her oldest brother, Mitch, looked like their father today, his wise, confident eyes greeting every person who wanted to shake his hand and console him.

  Hayden didn’t want anyone consoling her, except her sister Mack. And Mack was busy distracting those curious minds who wanted to know exactly how their parents had died. Hayden still wasn’t sure she could explain it. And none of the Hazards were used to being around large groups of people without their clown makeup and costumes on.

  “You just don’t see that often,” the coroner told the family when they all stood in a small, stale room. “Smiling, I mean. A lot of people die in hot tubs. You’d be surprised. Well, I mean, you wouldn’t, but the average person who’d never had someone die in a hot tub would be surprised. Anyway, people don’t die with smiles on their faces. Sure, there are some embalming tricks you can use, but rarely do you actually find people smiling upon death.”

  Apparently, the smiling was quite a find for the young coroner, who didn’t look a day over Hayden’s twenty years, but the fact that her parents were smiling upon death had brought Hayden no comfort.

  A longtime client of their family business, Mr. Stewart, made his way across the lush grass toward her. He was a bossy old man, and nosy too, but he did like clowns. And the Hazard Clowns made an appearance at every one of his company parties, not to mention all the birthdays of his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren. He even surprised his wife once on their anniversary with clowns, and what a surprise it was. Mrs. Stewart wasn’t impressed, the Hazards exited promptly, leaving Mr. Stewart trying to explain why clowns were romantic.

  “Hayden, I don’t know what to say.”

  Hayden politely shook his hand. It was strange having a conversation with Mr. Stewart. Normally he was gooing and gushing and attempting to calm the children who were afraid of clowns. To Hayden, the high-pitched cadence he used when speaking with children always seemed as terrifying as the clowns themselves.

  Mr. Stewarts sharp eyes narrowed, and he looked around before saying, “How, exactly, did your parents die?” He didn’t pause long. “There’s a lot of speculation, and I understand your need for privacy, but when you hide something like this, it only causes rumors to grow.”

  What had grown, Hayden noticed, was the rather large mole on the tip of his long nose. She tried to keep direct eye contact, just like her parents had taught her. But it was inches from her face, as was his breath, which had actually made a woman at a barbecue pass out once.

  Hayden didn’t know what to say to make him go away. The family had agreed not to divulge the details about how their parents had died, but she couldn’t afford to offend Mr. Stewart either. He was one of their biggest clients.

  “Well, Mr. Stewart, there’s nothing to hide. It was an accident. They were on vacation—”

  “You see, that’s the strange thing,” Mr. Stewart said. “I’ve known your parents twenty years, and I’ve never known them to go on vacation before.”

  Hayden nodded. It was true. Their first … and last … vacation. Percy and Lucy Hazard decided to go while their youngest two children were away at clown school. Hayden, the third youngest, worked double-time to keep up with the office work while they were gone. Just an hour or so before the accident, they’d even called to say what a good time they were having. “Gotta go!” Dad had said. “Mom wants to go down to that heart-shaped hot tub again!”

  “So?” Mr. Stewart urged, his beady eyes fierce while he held her hand like it was a baby bird.

  Hayden glanced around. Nobody else who could help seemed to be nearby. Hank, her quiet older brother, loitered alone by a tree. Her sister Cassie was making a scene by the coffin, blotting tears and hugging anyone’s neck that would let her. The youngest Hazards, Avery and Holt, looked like small children, wide-eyed and clinging to Mitch’s wife, Claire. Where was Mack? Hayden wondered.

  “I’m a trusted friend,” Mr. Stewart said, in a not-so-friendly voice.

  “I know.” She just wanted Mr. Stewart to go and th
e service to end so she could be back at home, curled up in her bed, crying.

  “Hayden,” he said, his voice rising to that terrifying cadence that unsettled her nerves along with every kid under six. “You know I can be discreet. Your parents were good friends, that’s all.”

  Hayden couldn’t stand it anymore. Everything was about to spill out when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Right beside her, out of nowhere, Mack was there. “Mr. Stewart,” Mack said, “I’m sorry, but we have to go. We’re having a family meeting.”

  “A family meeting?” Hayden asked. “About what?”

  Mack glanced at Mr. Stewart and then said, “I’ll tell you on the way.”

  Their abrupt departure bewildered Mr. Stewart, who trailed behind them as they made their way to the car. “What’s going on? What’s the meeting about? Who’s running this meeting?” His questions continued all the way to the car, where Mack opened the door for Hayden, who quickly climbed in.

  “Mackenzie,” Mr. Stewart said sternly, “I am one of your company’s best clients. I demand to know what’s going on. First of all, were your parents murdered?”

  Hayden watched as Mack kept an even expression. “Why would you think they were murdered?”

  “The rumor is they went to Las Vegas for their vacation, and we all know what kind of city that is.”

  Mack sighed, looking exhausted. “Mr. Stewart, they were not murdered. It was just an unfortunate incident.”

  “Incident? Accident? What?”

  Mack glanced at Hayden. She looked desperate for relief, and Hayden smiled a little, hoping to assure her.

  “Well?” Mr. Stewart asked.

  “Look, we don’t really understand it ourselves,” Mack finally said, “but it boils down to an overly ambitious serenading guitar player, a hundred-foot extension cord, and a rack of mood lighting.” Mack shook Mr. Stewarts hand while his jaw dropped a little. “We’ll talk soon.”

  A lump formed in Hayden’s throat. Her father used to say that all the time. “Well talk soon.”

  Hayden shut the passenger door while Mack went to the driver’s side. Unfortunately, Hayden’s window was rolled down and the next thing she knew, that mole stared her down.

  “What’s this meeting about? The business? What’s going to happen?”

  As Mack pulled the car away from the curb, Hayden said, “Mr. Stewart, please don’t worry. It’s our family’s business, and we’re still a family. I can assure you, nothing is going to happen to the business.”

  “The family business is no more.”

  All the Hazard siblings sat clustered in their parents’ living room, talking among themselves, wondering why their eldest brother had called the meeting, when Mitch made the pronouncement. Claire stood beside Mitch, and by the expression on her face, it was clear that Mitch had planned to say something else.

  Mitch cleared his throat and loosened his tie, but he couldn’t look at any of them, which struck Hayden as very odd, since Mitch was by far the most confident Hazard sibling.

  Finally, he gathered himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to begin like that. There’s more to say. I haven’t even called the meeting to order,” Mitch said, a tight grin stretching across his startled expression.

  Their father had always started the day with prayer, and then a formal call to begin the meeting. Hayden once asked her mother why he did that, since it seemed silly to her. Her mother said it helped distinguish the family from the business.

  “But the family is the business and the business is the family,” Hayden exclaimed.

  Her mother replied, “There must be a distinction.” Hayden had never really understood that statement. And now she was not understanding what Mitch was trying to say.

  He attempted to call the meeting to order when Mack popped up from her chair. She was never any good at raising her hand like they were supposed to.

  “What are you talking about?” Mack asked.

  Mitch held up his hands. “Let me try this again. Some of you are too young to remember, but Mom and Dad started the family business to put food on the table. The two of them had both lost their jobs, and the business made money but allowed Mom to stay home and school us.”

  Cassie’s hand shot into the air, but she didn’t bother to wait to be called on. “What do you mean the family business is no more? I happen to know that the business is doing just fine!”

  “If you’ll let me explain,” Mitch looked sad and exhausted. He glanced at Claire and then said, “I have other dreams. Bigger dreams…and you all should too. I love our business. I love our family, but I don’t want to be a clown for the rest of my life.”

  Hayden squeezed Mack’s hand until Mack’s knuckles popped, causing Holt and Avery to glance over with large round eyes. Mitch lowered his voice and came closer to the rest of them. “This world is bigger than our little slice of the universe. There’s so much more to see and do. Mom and Dad loved us, and that’s why they sheltered us. But everything they’ve taught us has equipped us to go out into the world. We have everything we need to survive, and not only survive, but thrive.”

  “What are you saying?” Everyone turned to stare at Hank. Nobody could believe he’d spoken. Most of the time in family meetings, he fashioned artwork from foam cups. Now, apparently, he spoke for them all.

  “I’ve sold the company.”

  Complete silence fell, and then Cassie squeaked, “You sold us?” Everyone’s eyes shifted from Cassie to Mitch, except Cassie’s eyes, which shifted from Mitch to a nearby mirror, where she blotted away the mascara she wasn’t supposed to be wearing. Mitch smiled a little. “I sold ownership. We’re incorporated, which means we have clients, supplies, equipment, venues.”

  Nobody could contain themselves, and Hayden began to cry. She clutched Mack’s arm, while Mack just looked mad.

  Mitch tried to settle everyone down.

  “Please, just listen. I know this is a shock, but I also know, deep down inside, that we’re not supposed to be clowns for the rest of our lives. Mom and Dad are gone, and now it’s time for us to go out into the world and make something of ourselves.”

  “How could you do this to us?” Cassie wailed.

  “Because I know all of you,” Mitch said, his soothing confidence returning. He made eye contact with each of them. “I know what you’re made of, what you’re capable of. Each one of you has an extraordinary chance to make your life count. What are you going to do with it?”

  The room grew quiet again as he paused. Then Mitch continued. “The company sold to Clowns Inc. for a lot of money, and it will be divided equally among all of us. Believe it or not, with the life insurance and Mom and Dad’s savings, there’s enough for each of you to go to college, if you wish, plus have enough money left over to start a new life.”

  Hayden’s voice trembled. “Without each other?”

  “We’ll always have each other. Nothing will change that. No matter how far apart we are, we’ll always have each other. It’s going to be a magnificent journey for each of you. You’re going to discover things about yourself you never knew, things about the world you never knew. You’re going to be a light in this world.”

  He beckoned to Claire, the only other person in the room who looked excited about the prospect of magnificent journeys. “There’s one more thing you should know,” Mitch said, wrapping an arm around Claire’s shoulder. “You all are going to be aunts and uncles!”

  Ordinarily, that kind of thing would’ve caused great applause among the Hazard family. But nobody could clap. Or even smile. It was just another reminder of how sad and tragic their parents’ death was. They would never get to see their grandchildren. And the business they’d built from the ground up was now gone.

  Mitch said, “Brothers. Sisters. Trust me. It’ll all be okay. It’s a new chapter in your life, but it’s not the end of the world.”

  Hayden stood, walked out of the house and into the backyard. How could Mitch have done this? How? This was all she knew! She’d bee
n born in the farmhouse, raised there, schooled there. Her only friends were her siblings. The farthest she’d ever been from home was on trips to county fairs with their clown act. Where would she live? How could she possibly know what she was supposed to do with her life? Her life was her family.

  She stood against the tree she’d once climbed as a child and cried into her hands. She’d grieved for her parents, but now she grieved over a life that was no longer there. It wasn’t possible! No other occupation suited her.

  A hand pressed against her back. She turned to find Mack, who embraced her and let her cry for a long time. Mack led her to a nearby bench and sat her down.

  “I hate Mitch right now,” Hayden said, gasping as the words flowed out of her mouth. Her parents had always taught her not to hate anyone.

  Mack nodded, but then she said, “You know, I’ve always wanted to be a police officer.”

  Hayden blinked through her tears. “You have?”

  Mack shrugged. “It was just a dream, though, you know? I never thought I’d actually have a chance to do it.”

  “You never told me that.”

  “I know. I hid it down deep. I thought it was silly.”

  Hayden smiled through her tears. “Well, you did play eight different law-enforcement characters.”

  Mack hugged her. “Hayden, Mitch is right. Mom and Dad built this company to put food on the table. And then it grew into this big thing that we all became involved in. But when I was five, Dad and I were lying in the backyard under the stars one night, and he asked me if I could do anything in the world, what would it be?”

  “What did you say?”

  “I don’t remember,” she laughed, “but I do remember him telling me that whatever I put my mind to, I could do. At five, Dad had big dreams for me.” She sighed. “I think Mom and Dad saw an ugly world out there, and after they both lost their jobs, they were determined to protect us from it.”

  Hayden stared into the evening sky, the tiny stars twinkling above. “I never had any dreams. I never thought I’d do anything except what I was doing.” She looked down. “And truthfully, I didn’t do it all that well.”