by Skye Turner
Hating myself for what I’m about to do, I nod. Her glee-filled cackle sends shivers down my spine. As she drops to her knees, I close my mind off from everything except pleasure.
A half hour later, she screams out as she shatters around me and I allow myself to come. My gaze rakes her body as she’s splayed out on her kitchen counter. The self-loathing I feel almost makes me puke as I rip off the condom and refasten my jeans. Without saying a word to her, I turn on my heel and grab my jacket. As I make it to the door, I swipe the money from the counter and fling the door open. Her voice behind me makes me cringe. “That’s right, take the money. You can hate me, Jaye. You can hate that you get pleasure from fucking me, but you still do it. You say I have issues because I fuck teenagers, but what about you? You’re no better than I am. You fuck married women and take money for it. At least I’m honest about my flaw… What about you?”
I race to the truck and jump in. As rage and despair course through me, I peel out from the curb and tear down the street as if the speed can chase away the disgust.
Skipping the last two deliveries, I head back to the farm. When I park the truck, the first thing I see is a red head pop out the barn door. Her smile lights up her face at the sight of me. My heart pounds against my chest as I open the door and walk past her.
I don’t return her smile. I can’t. As she calls my name in concern, I just ignore her and slam the door to my room. Once in the privacy of my room, I place the chair in front of the door and scream in rage. My fists pummel the walls and the wood splinters and fragments bury themselves in my knuckles.
I hear Rose beating against the door, trying desperately to get in and screaming my name, but I ignore her.
I can’t face her.
I can’t even face myself.
Chapter Seventeen
Rose
Jaye has been avoiding me for three weeks… twenty-one days. I don’t understand what I did. He made deliveries a few weeks back and came into the yard like a bat out of hell. He ignored me and locked me out and he hasn’t spoken to me since. In fact, he’s made it very obvious that he doesn’t even want to be around me.
The girls are all over me and I’m never alone, so I guess he’s spoken to them, but he won’t even look at me.
Tobias is a different story. He’s been looking at me a lot lately and the look in his eyes scares me to death. Especially since I now know that the other girls have sex with him and the other men who come out here, seemingly just for that purpose.
Raquel looks haggard and has lost her smile. She’s always crying and she rarely talks anymore, yet when another man comes out asking for her, she disappears with him for a bit and then returns to our room to cry into her pillow.
I don’t understand.
I know that they think I’m naïve, but why do they do it if they hate them? How can they sleep with these older men? They don’t even like it. They hate it. They hate them, so why do they do it?
And I cannot imagine why anyone would want to willingly sleep with Tobias. He’s so disgusting. I know he wants me. I can see it in his eyes when he watches me. I’ll never do that though. I could never sleep with anyone I don’t love. I don’t understand that.
I hate that the girls are doing this. I hate that they feel like they have to. I hate that this is happening… And I hate that I think they are waiting on me to fall into it, too.
I won’t.
I’m in the barn mucking out the stalls and Gabby is brushing the two horses. We’re two stalls apart and I can hear her whispering to the horse. I can’t make out what she’s saying, but I can tell she’s upset.
I creep silently closer to try to hear her.
Her voice is broken as she whispers, “I’m so worried about her. She said she’s going to kill herself because being dead is better than living in this hell. She can’t kill herself. Why doesn’t anyone care about us? Why are we not important? What did we ever do to deserve this?” I hear her sniffle. “And now, a baby. What’s going to happen to that baby? God, why do you hate us?”
I gasp as I hear the last sentence. Gabby drops the brush and whirls around in terror. Her face is swollen and streaked with tears. Snot is pooling under her nose and her eyes are wild. I notice how dark the circles under her eyes are and how her dress is hanging off her petite frame.
She looks at me and drops to her knees in the hay. The horse backs up nervously and eyes her as she rocks herself and cries.
Rushing into the stall, I hug her and brush her hair from her face. She wails into my shoulder as she shivers.
I’m terrified of what’s happening. Gabby is having a breakdown.
Who was she talking about? Who’s having a baby? Who wants to kill herself? Raquel?
I try to soothe her as we rock in the stall. I have no idea how long we sit for, but finally she raises her head. Her eyes are red-rimmed and so swollen she can barely open them. As she looks at me, her face just shows her hopelessness.
I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do or how to help her. I don’t even know what’s happening.
Finally, I muster the courage to ask, “Gabby, what’s going on? I don’t know how to help you. What can I do?”
She laughs harshly and clutches at my hand. “You can’t do anything, Rose. You don’t need to understand. This has been going on long before you came along and it’ll still happen long after all of us are gone.” She gestures around us and laughs shakily. “We’re in Hell. This is Hell on earth. It exists. It exists and I don’t understand why we were damned to live here.”
Her words shake me to my core. “Gabby. Please talk to me. Who’s pregnant? Who’s going to kill herself? Let me help. I’m not a child who needs protection from all of you. Let me help you!”
She laughs again and it’s so cold it terrifies me. Staring right at me, her eyes are flat… almost lifeless. “You don’t get it. We’re all already dead. We’re never escaping this. It doesn’t matter what we do or where we go… we’re already dead.” The lack of any emotion in her voice freezes my blood.
I’m not accepting this. I don’t know why we’re here or why no one gives a shit about us, but I’m not just rolling over and giving up.
I might be young. I might be naïve and I might still have hope, but that doesn’t make me weak. I’m not a dumb child.
I’m getting everyone out of this…
But, I can’t do it alone and Jaye won’t talk to me.
Well, that’s bullshit. He better get over whatever bug crawled up his ass. I can’t do this by myself. I need help and he’s helping me.
He doesn’t have a choice.
With newfound determination, I stand up. Gabby looks at me in surprise as I offer her my hand.
She just stares at it, but I grasp her hand and yank. She reluctantly stands and I push her toward the house. “Go to the room. Get the other girls and go to the room. Lock the door and do not come out. For any reason.” She blinks at me as if she’s never seen me before. I shove her again. “Go on. Do what I said.”
She shrugs and looks at the house in apprehension. “What are you going to do, Rose?”
Slapping my hands on my hips, I stare at her and say clearly, “I’m changing shit! I’m going to find Jaye and he’s going to get over whatever the hell his problem is and then we’re changing shit!”
Her face shows her surprise. “He’s not going to like you coming after him.”
Slapping my hands on my thighs, I screech in frustration. “I really don’t give a rat’s ass if he doesn’t like it. He can get over himself!”
Gabby smirks and some light comes back into her eyes. “Ok then. Go get him, girl.” She looks at me and then at the house before saying softly, “Thank you, Rose. You’re tougher than we gave you credit for.” Her hands re-braid her hair as she mutters, “Be careful.” Then, she runs to the house.
Taking a deep breath, I realize the extent of what I’m about to do. I’m going after a guy who is not interested in seeing me and I have no idea where he i
s on this farm.
I wrack my brain trying to remember what I’ve seen him with lately that could give me a clue as to where he is and what he’s doing.
While I think, I look over my shoulder and notice the figures in the upstairs window. Three of them. All the girls are safely in the room. I can’t let them down. They’ve watched over me for months now. It’s my turn. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m helping them.
* * *
I’ve searched the pigs, the chickens, and the area near the road and found no sign of Jaye. The truck is parked in its usual spot and both horses are in the barn, so he didn’t take them anywhere. I don’t know where else to look… when it hits me.
He’s baling hay. As it comes to me, I listen carefully and hear the whir of the tractor far in the distance.
Crap! That means he’s in the back of the property. How long is it going to take me to reach him? I don’t have all day.
My glance flits to the barn…
Well, there are two perfectly good horses in there.
Dammit Rose, you’ve never ridden a horse before.
Making up my mind, I head to the barn.
I guess there’s no time like the present.
It takes me a long time to figure out how to saddle the horse. I’ve seen Jaye do it a few times, but I’ve never actually done it. After checking the straps, I figure that’s as good as it’s going to get. The horse looks at me with its big brown eyes and I look back.
Sighing, I pat its nose. “Ok, girl. This is my first time, but I need you to get me to Jaye. Can you do that, pretty girl?”
The horse just watches me though its ears go back. Taking a deep breath and grabbing on to my courage, I stick my foot in the stirrup and try to climb on. I’m not successful. The saddle slips a bit, so I tighten it. Then, I lead the horse over to the baled hay. Climbing onto the hay, I manage to get into the saddle. The horse moves to the side and steps away from the hay. She just stops and stands there.
With false bravado, I grab the reins and gently tap them against her neck. She turns and looks at me, but doesn’t move. Trying with everything I have to picture Jaye on the horse, I mimic what I’ve seen him do. My heels tap her sides as I gently turn the reins in the direction of the back of the barn. The horse moves!
Yes! This isn’t so hard then…
We slowly and cautiously make our way out of the barn and head into the field toward where I hear the tractor in the distance.
We aren’t going very fast and I’m bouncing around in the saddle, but we’re making progress. It takes about twenty minutes before the tractor comes into view. I stop the horse and just watch for a bit.
Jaye is driving the tractor and there are rolled bales of hay spread out behind him. His eyes are shaded by a Stetson and he’s driving the tractor with ease. I know the exact minute he sees me. His head jerks to the side in shock and his mouth pinches. He hits the steering wheel before cutting the engine.
He jumps down and runs over to where I’m still sitting and as he nears he screams, “What the fuck are you doing, Rose? Why the fuck are you on an animal you don’t know how to ride?! Are you fucking stupid?!”
That pisses me off. He hasn’t said one word to me in weeks and now he’s asking me if I’m stupid?!
Forgetting I’m pretty high on a horse, I sling my leg over the side and screech as I start to fall. Luckily Jaye catches me. His heart is pounding under my cheek where he has me cradled against his chest.
Slapping him as hard as I can on the arm, I scream at him, “Put me down, you jerk!”
His face registers his shock that I screamed at him, but he sets me down. I quickly step back because his warm skin and earthy smell are messing with my anger.
I’ve missed him.
He runs his hand over the back of his neck and asks raggedly, “What are you doing out here, Rose? What the hell is this?”
Chapter Eighteen
Jaye
My heart about jumped out of my chest when I looked over and saw Rose on the horse. I had to blink a couple of times to make sure she was really out here and that I hadn’t conjured her up.
I haven’t seen her or spoken to her except from afar in over three weeks. It’s been torture, but it’s for the best. I’m not good for her. Mrs. Furrell’s words a few weeks back really made me aware of just how bad I am for Rose.
She’s everything sweet and innocent and I’m like the poison apple. If I stay around her, it’s only a matter of time before I tarnish her. I can’t bear the thought of her losing herself… especially in someone as undeserving as me.
So, I’ve stayed away. It’s killed me and I can see that she’s hurt, but this is for the best. I’m not leaving and I can still keep an eye on her. I can protect her and the other girls are helping, but I can’t be around her.
I’ve stayed strong. I’ve forced myself to stay away. I’ve suffered in silence, but I’ve done it… for her… until now.
Now, she’s here. She’s in front of me and just fell off of a fucking horse.
What the hell is she doing here?
She’s mad. She’s really mad. She just screamed in my face and hit me.
Sweet, gentle Rose is letting that red-headed temper out and damned if she’s not taking my breath away with her beauty.
She’s glaring at me. Her chest is rising and falling with her ire and the wind is lifting pieces of her hair. The breeze is flattening her dress to her body and it’s creating butterflies in my stomach. I have to force my eyes to her livid gaze.
Finally, she flings her hands on her hips and says, “I’m looking for you. Obviously.”
I laugh at her stubbornness. I can’t help it. “Well, you found me. What’s going on?”
Her green eyes widen as she glares at me. “I don’t know, Jaye. What’s going on? What did I do? You’re avoiding me. You don’t talk to me. You don’t even look at me. What the hell did I do?”
Her voice conveys her hurt. I knew I was hurting her, but I didn’t know how much. Her pain causes my gut to clench.
I shrug helplessly.
She stares at me and frowns as I say nothing. I don’t know what to say.
She sighs and looks away and I can see her lip quiver. My heart breaks.
Finally, she looks back at me and I can see the determination in them. Her voice is steady as she says, “Whatever. It doesn’t even matter. The fact that you no longer care about me is irrelevant. I didn’t come out here for me.”
What? What did she say? She thinks I don’t care about her?
Before I can contradict her, she glares at me again. “We have to help the girls, Jaye. YOU have to help me get them out of here.”
I gasp out, “What? Get them out of here? I can’t… what do you mean? What are you talking about, Rose?”
Her eyes hold mine and I can see the steel determination in them. “You heard me. I caught Gabby mid breakdown today, Jaye. I don’t care if you don’t care about me, but you are helping me help them.” She points to me. “You’re a god-damned adult and they are children who need help. You are helping me.”
Again with the “I don’t care about her!?” I can’t let her think that.
I grab her hands and yank her against me. Hard. She shrieks in alarm and her hands fly up before they are trapped between our chests. I shake her. “What is wrong with you? I don’t care about you?! I don’t fucking care about you?” I shake her again. “You’re all I care about, Rose!”
Her mouth drops open and she stares at me.
“You think I’m avoiding you because I don’t care about you? I’m avoiding you because I care so fucking much! You’re right, I’m an adult! I’m eighteen and I’m an adult and I’m in love with a fifteen year old girl. I’m in love with you, Rose!
“I can’t love you! I can’t. Me loving you and allowing you to love me is poison. I’m fucking poison! I’m disgusting. The things I do are despicable and yet, I do them. I do them to other women when the only woman I want is not even a wo
man in the eyes of the law!
“Do you understand? I love you, but I can’t let you love me back! I can’t have you light up when you see me when I’ve just fucked someone else! I’m disgusting, Rose. I’m disgusting and I refuse to destroy you. I refuse to allow you loving me to destroy you!”
She’s gasping for breath as I rail at her. I need for her to understand.
I heard what she said about helping the girls, but I don’t even care about that right now. I only care about making her understand that she’s the most important thing in my life and that I hate myself for the things I’ve done.
I’m breathing as if I’ve just outrun a demon and she’s breathing erratically, too as her eyes stare into mine.
She reaches up and knocks my hat from my head. It falls into the dead grass and her hands yank my head down. I’m helpless to prevent this.
Her lips press all over my face… my chin, my nose, and finally my lips. She’s kissing me frantically and I’m allowing her to.
She presses her mouth to mine and I groan. My hands grasp her hips and I hold her in place as she slants her mouth over mine. Her mouth opens and my tongue takes over. I can’t get enough of her.
Finally, I gather a shred of sanity and pull back. We’re both out of breath and her mouth is swollen while her eyes are glazed.
Leaning my forehead against hers, I close my eyes and just breathe.
She breathes in tune with me and as I exhale, she inhales. My eyes crack open and I find her staring at me. Her fingers rub my lips as she whispers, “I hear you, Jaye. I know what you do. I know. You’ve told me. I know that I’m young and that you can leave whenever you want to, but avoiding me doesn’t make me love you less.
“I love you. I love you. You are the most important thing in my life. Yes, I light up when you’re around but that’s because in this world full of darkness, you are my light.
“Do YOU understand that?”
I can’t deny her. I just can’t.
“I understand, Rose. Because it’s the same for me. God help me. God help us both, but I love you.”
