Hating the Rock Star

by Hamel, B. B.

  I sit there, totally stunned. The three guys slowly look at me.

  “I have no clue what you’re talking about,” I say with a small voice. I feel cornered, and all I want to do is run away.

  This is exactly what they said would happen. It’s almost like no matter what I did, just because I’m a girl and I’m with someone in the band, I’m going to break them all apart. It’s insane, almost stupid, but here we are. It’s all coming true.

  My worst nightmare.

  “Explain,” Karl says. That one word grabs me and pulls me back from the edge.

  I feel my anger growing.

  “I didn’t do anything,” I say. “I never told him to leave the band. I’ve barely even talked to him since starting all this.”

  “Don’t fucking—” Nathan starts, but I cut him off.

  “I didn’t choose any of this, remember?” I snap at him.

  He rolls his eyes. “Karl, we have to get rid of her.”

  “No.”

  We all turn to look as Joss and Landon step into the room. Joss is glaring at Nathan.

  “No, you’re not getting rid of her,” he says. “Unless you want to get rid of me.”

  “Nobody’s getting rid of anything,” Karl says.

  “And of course you go running to Karl,” Joss continues, glaring at Nathan. “You can’t fucking fight your own battles.”

  “You want me to fight this battle?” Nathan steps up to him, eyes fierce. “Okay, fine. I think your girl here is fucking shit up. You’ve been distracted, mopey, and pathetic, ever since you married her. She was just a stupid bet, Joss. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “I was a… bet?” I almost whisper the words.

  Joss looks stunned. He looks between me and Nathan, and Nathan gives him a wicked grin.

  “That’s right. We bet him he couldn’t marry the first girl that walked into the room.”

  “And… that was me,” I say softly.

  “Yeah, that was you. Biggest mistake we ever fucking made.” Nathan shakes his head.

  Joss punches him in the face.

  It happens so fast. I barely have time to register it. Joss’s face is pure rage as he smashes his fist into Nathan’s jaw. Nathan stumbles back and dives on Joss, and the two guys crash against a table, knocking over some chairs, wrestling with each other.

  “Oh, fucking shit, you fucking idiots,” Karl yells. “Break it up!”

  Chase and Landon jump into action. They haul Joss and Nathan apart. Both guys are breathing heavily and glaring daggers at each other.

  Karl rubs his temples again, shaking his head. “Landon, are you leaving Slide?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” Landon says from behind Joss.

  “When?”

  “Now.”

  “Fine.” Karl looks at his phone. “I can find a replacement for the next show. You sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “Okay then. Best of luck to you.”

  “Thanks.”

  Landon lets Joss go. Chase drops Nathan’s arms. The two guys settle back, glaring at each other.

  “For the record, Grace never wanted me to leave,” Landon says. “I would’ve done this sooner or later. I was just inspired by her to do it now, that’s all. It’s not really her fault.” He gives me an apologetic look.

  “See, you fucking moron?” Joss snaps at Nathan.

  “Still her fault,” Nathan says.

  “You two are fucking babies,” Chase cuts in angrily. “Our bandmate is leaving and all you can do is fucking fight with each other. It’s goddamn pathetic. It’s not Grace’s fault, it’s your fault for being such twats.”

  That’s probably the angriest I’ve ever heard Chase. Nathan looks surprised, but shakes his head. “Fuck this. The band is falling apart and you guys are acting like it’s nothing.” He storms off, shaking off Chase’s grip.

  “Let him go,” Karl says, sighing. “He’ll come around. He just has abandonment issues.”

  I stand there, not sure what to make of anything. I was a bet, some joke between the guys. I didn’t know why Joss married me back in Vegas, I figured it was just a crazy, stupid, drunken idea. I didn’t know it was a real bet.

  I feel strange… I feel used.

  But it also explains something.

  It explains why it happened at all. I’ve been wondering that, why Joss would marry me. He’s so clearly against marriage that he barely talks about it, and yet he went through with it. He married me, and he’s been trying to keep me.

  It’s confusing and messed up and… I don’t know. It’s almost too much.

  “I’d better get going,” Landon says softly.

  “Dude…” Chase trails off.

  Landon nods at him, and they hug. It’s a quick hug, but Chase pulls away, blinking tears from his eyes.

  Karl shakes Landon’s hand, wishes him luck again, and heads back to his spot on the couch to make another call.

  Joss nods as Landon walks off. Chase can’t even look, he’s so visibly upset. I feel like the band is falling apart in front of me and I don’t know what to think.

  “It’s going to be fine,” Joss says to Chase. “I know you guys were close…”

  “I’m fine.” Chase shakes his head. “Clean your mess up, asshole. Okay?”

  “Yeah,” Joss says softly.

  Chase walks away without another word.

  I’m left standing there and Joss slowly turns to me. He sighs, his eye slightly red and puffy from where Nathan must’ve gotten him.

  “So now you know,” he says.

  “Why would you do that to me?” I ask him.

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I never actually thought… I never imagined I’d really do it. But once we were there and I saw you and I just… I wanted it. I don’t know why.”

  “I thought you were just drunk.”

  “I was,” he admits. “But not that drunk. I just wanted you.”

  I bite my lip. I don’t know what to think about this. It’s too much, on top of everything else. Karl’s on the phone, talking to someone about meeting us at our next stop, Landon is off somewhere planning on leaving, Nathan is pissed, Chase is pissed, and I feel like it’s all crumbling. Everything is falling apart.

  Joss steps toward me. “It’s not fake,” he says softly.

  I stare at him. “What?”

  “This.” He steps closer. “It’s not fake.”

  “Yes, it is. It was… a bet.”

  “Maybe at first.” He comes closer, inches away. “But it’s not fake. Not anymore. You feel it.”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  He tips my chin toward him. “Yes. You do. I know I fucked up, Grace, and I’m so sorry. My decisions have brought stress into your life, but I’m going to fix it if you’ll let me.”

  “How?” It’s almost a whisper.

  “Just trust me. Can you trust me, Grace? After everything?”

  “I don’t know.” The words are true. I really don’t know.

  “Try.”

  I stare into his handsome eyes. I don’t know what else to do. I want this but I’m so afraid of letting go. “Okay,” I say. “I’ll try.”

  He kisses me softly. A chill runs down my spine. I remember the pleasure I felt when he took my body, but more than that, I remember the pleasure I felt when he held me afterward.

  Simple, intimate. Right.

  “I have to go,” he says. “Meet me back at the hotel.”

  “Okay.”

  He nods and steps away. I feel like my whole life just changed but I don’t know how.

  I watch him walk away, and I know everything depends on him now. It’s all teetering on the edge, and only he can pull it back.

  24

  Joss

  I find Nathan alone on the stage, surrounded only by ignored instruments and open cases.

  I knew he’d be here. No matter what happens, Nathan’s always predictable.

  We’ve been together a long time now. I’ve known him s
ince we were kids, way back as far as I can remember. Slide was always our dream together, and we went through it all, me and him. We were in it together.

  Until Mary came along. She didn’t try and break anything apart, but slowly he drifted toward her and away from our friendship. Slowly he changed, and I’ve come to grips with the fact that he can never change back, no matter what happens.

  That Nathan is gone.

  I played a role in that. When I found out that Mary was cheating on him, I tried to convince him. I begged him, pleaded with him, but he wouldn’t listen. Finally, I seduced her one night and used that as proof. I was a little drunk and reckless and angry, and it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

  To this day, I deeply regret what I did to him, and he still hates me for it.

  I deserve that hate, but it’s time we try and move past. This is the turning point and I think he knows it.

  “What do you want?” he asks, not looking up from the acoustic guitar in his lap. He’s slowly strumming the strings, playing a sequence I’ve never heard before.

  “What is that?”

  He frowns a little. “Something I’ve been playing with.”

  “It’s really good. Is it another Slide song?”

  He shakes his head. “Was thinking of using it for a solo project.”

  I nod, unsurprised. He’s always threatening to go solo, although the guy can’t sing for shit and hates being the center of attention. There’s a reason he and I work so well together. We just fit.

  “It sounds really good.” I stop a few feet from him and he stops strumming.

  “What do you want, Joss? Gonna hit me again?”

  I wince a little. “No, I’m not here for that.”

  “What are you here for?”

  I sit down on the stage in front of him cross-legged. I lean back on my hands and look up, trying to answer that for myself.

  “You feel it, right?” I ask. “The position we’re in.”

  He frowns a little. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean… the band, we’re at a crossroads. You feel that, right?”

  He hesitates a second, strums a few random notes. It’s discordant, empty. “I guess so,” he says finally. “I thought it might be because of what happened between us, but… that’s not totally it.”

  “Why do you hate Grace?”

  The question seems to surprise him. He blinks at me, his frown deepening. “I don’t hate her.”

  “I think you do.”

  “I really don’t. She seems pretty nice, actually. And I think she’s good for you.”

  “Really?” I didn’t expect that answer at all. “If that’s true, why are you trying so hard to get rid of her?”

  “Because I know what it’s like to feel the way you feel now, and I’m afraid it’ll ruin the band the way it nearly did with Mary.”

  I stare at him, even more surprised. I had no clue he was thinking this, but it makes so much sense.

  He doesn’t hate Grace. He just thinks Grace is dangerous for the band. He’s afraid I’m going to lose interest in Slide and in him, and frankly, I don’t think anyone would blame me if that happened. I mean, Nathan’s been a dick to me for a while now, and I don’t think it would surprise anyone if I slowly drifted away from him.

  That’s what he’s afraid of. He’s terrified of losing me.

  It’s like the whole world suddenly shifts. I’ve been assuming that Nathan hates me and doesn’t give a fuck about anything, but I see it all so differently all of a sudden. He has almost no other friends, no other girlfriends, and his whole life is dedicated to the band. Despite what happened, he never let go of our friendship, but he’s never been able to forgive me.

  He’s stuck, the past drowning him over and over, and it’s mostly my fault.

  “Nathan, man, I’m not going anywhere.”

  He narrows his eyes at me. “I don’t think you’ll leave the band, but you’ll lose interest. Grace is a lot nicer to you than I am.”

  “She’s much better in bed, too.”

  He almost cracks a smile at that. Almost.

  “You know how much this matters to me, right?” I say to him. “Even if Grace is taking more of my attention, Slide is still… everything.”

  Nathan clears his throat and doesn’t speak. He goes back to playing, a beautiful melody that I recognize this time. It’s from our first EP, all those years ago, back before we were even remotely famous. We recorded it on our own dime and give the CD out at random little local shows.

  Most of that EP was written by Nathan, just like he still writes the majority of our music now. But the song he’s playing is the first song we really wrote together, really collaborated on.

  “I hated you for a while, you know,” he says softly. “Really hated you, but I don’t anymore.”

  “I’m sorry, Nathan. I know what I did was fucked.”

  “Yeah, it was. But I was also fucked for not seeing through her shit sooner. You did a stupid thing to try and get me to see what she was really up to, and I was stupid for falling for her shit.” He sighs, shaking his head. “We’re all to blame, at least a little bit.”

  “Man, none of that was your fault.”

  “Yes, it was. You told me over and over the truth about Mary but I couldn’t hear it. Now here we are, and she’s still haunting us.”

  “I don’t want that, you know.”

  He sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t either, but I can’t let it go.”

  “This is it, man.” I lean forward. “This is the time. Landon’s leaving the band for good and we’re about to get a new drummer. If we’re going to survive this, we need to be united. We can’t keep feuding.”

  “You’re right.” He sighs and strums a broken chord. “Look, I thought you marrying Grace was funny. But when she came on tour with us, I just kept seeing what happened with Mary. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I know I should’ve been better.”

  “It’s okay,” I say. “I get it. I really do.”

  “You love her, don’t you?”

  I stare for a second before nodding slowly. “Yeah. I love her.”

  He nods back. “Good.” He starts playing again. “Make sure she stays, then.”

  “How do I do that?”

  He laughs softly. “Fuck if I know. I guess just listen if I tell you she’s cheating on you, for starters.”

  “And you make sure you don’t fuck her in an insane attempt at proving a point.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  I sit there and listen to him play. It’s been a while since I sat like this, just listening, no other reason than the pleasure of the music. Normally we’re writing something, but this feels good. It’s like the old days.

  “We’re not best friends yet, you know,” Nathan says. I slowly rise to my feet, the spell broken.

  “I know.”

  “I want to keep Slide together. I want to keep working with you. I just… we need time.”

  “We’ll figure it out. I’m just happy we’re talking about it now at least.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  I watch him for a second longer before walking away, leaving him alone on the stage. The sound of his guitar, lilting into an improvised piece, follows me down the hall, echoing almost ghostly from the walls.

  That’s where Nathan really lives, up on stage. That’s where he really survives.

  Karl intercepts me as I head toward the back exit. He looks resigned to something instead of depressed and angry, which is a new thing.

  “You two make nice?” he asks.

  “Actually, yeah, for once.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Really?” He grunts his approval. “Good job, kid. You finally apologize?”

  “I’ve apologized before.”

  “Not really.” He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter though. I got news.”

  “Found a drummer?”

  “Yep,” he says. “Session guy named Dennis. You’ll like him, real smart, knows his stuff. He’ll probab
ly pick up Landon’s stuff pretty fast.”

  “But he can’t replace him.”

  Karl nods slowly and I suddenly think I understand the sadness in his eyes. “No, he definitely can’t.”

  I lean up against the wall. “It’s for the best. He’s been struggling for a while now.”

  “Yeah, he definitely has. I’ve talked to him, tried to help him, but… he just didn’t want to be helped. And now he’s walking away.”

  “Who knows. Maybe he’ll be back?”

  “Doubt it.” Karl looks down the hall toward the sound of Nathan playing. “I’ve seen this a few times, and it never ends well. He’ll be angry at himself, regret this decision, but he’ll never come back. Just won’t ever happen, even if you talk about it with him, it just won’t happen. Pride, timing, schedules, whatever. He won’t be back.”

  Karl’s words really sink in deep and it almost hurts. “So this is goodbye Landon.”

  “More or less.”

  “Damn.” I stare down at the ground. “Didn’t think it would happen like this.”

  “Nobody did. But hey, at least you and Nathan are making nice. Maybe the band’s not doomed.”

  “It’s not. I can promise that.”

  “You better, kid. You guys are my ticket to retirement.”

  I grin at him, pushing off the wall. “How old are you, anyway?”

  “Too old.” He shakes his head. “I’d better go talk to Nathan. Go find that pretty girl of yours and make her happy, yeah?”

  “I’ll see what I can do. Are you finally accepting that she’ll be around?”

  “She’s not so bad,” he says, grinning. “Survived so far. Gotta give her that.”

  “She’s resilient.”

  “Or stupid and in love with you, but maybe all three, who knows.” He waves and walks down the hall.

  I watch him go before shaking my head and leaving the venue.

  I should’ve seen this coming sooner. Landon wasn’t long for the band, not with the way things were going, and I couldn’t keep it up with Nathan and expect this to continue. It just wasn’t a realistic situation.

  Throw Grace in the mix and we’re all sorts of fucked up.

  Karl had point though. She survived this long. She’s still here, despite what happened. Despite what I did to her.