Transformation

by Rosemary Nourse

  "Aw, ain't that sad. I don't feel sorry for you, you deserve it 'cause you're the one who threw it away."

  "You don't know what happened between us," he yelled back defensively.

  "I know more than you think. I know she's not crazy and she's not a liar and she's not Daria," Eddie finished strongly as he yelled loudly and pointed his finger in Tray's face.

  Tray took a step closer and was on the brink of losing control as his hands balled into a fist.

  "Go ahead Tray, take a shot, I can't wait to hit you back, you arrogant son of a bitch," Eddie goaded him.

  "No one's going to take a shot at anybody," Burt growled, his low voice booming over them. "Get back to work, Eddie, now. Colby, help Tray with the mare."

  "Thanks, Burt," Tray replied.

  "Don't thank me, you're lucky I don't hit you," Burt retorted, staring imposingly into his eyes before turning away and walking out of the stable.

  It was ten o'clock at night by the time Tray had completed all his work. It had been the worst day of his life, seemed like everywhere he went, people either despised him or knew about his break-up with Kate and wanted to talk to him about it. It was at times like this that he hated small town living because everybody knew their neighbor's business. But what had hurt him the most was Burt's remark that afternoon at the stables. He'd known Burt and Marge for almost fifteen years, they were his closest friends and he respected Burt more than any person he'd ever known. Were they so sure of Kate, did they care about her so much more than himself that they were willing to turn on him, to be so angry and disapproving of him.

  He found himself driving his truck to her house, his emotions running wild and uncontained. He had so many feelings stirring inside of him; rage, passion, love and hatred, every extreme a personality possessed. He couldn't help himself, he had to see her and he didn't know why. Their demise had completely turned his life upside down. They had to make some kind of peace, come to a resolution.

  Kate had gotten home from work only five minutes before Tray came to her door. Mari was at the door barking ferociously as she protected her beloved home and owner. Kate had been upstairs washing up. She wound her hair into a loose bun, had an old v-neck sweater on that had once been Burt's and a pair of faded jeans. She figured it was Eddie and Lisa again, her dear friends for whom she was so grateful. They'd spent a lot of evenings together lately.

  She peered out the window first before opening the door and saw Tray's strong back and dark hair blowing in the cold wind. She was actually afraid to open the door as a million things ran through her mind in those few seconds; did he want to reconcile, did he come to beg her forgiveness, did he come to scream at her? She gathered her courage and opened the door, having no idea how she would react.

  Did she have to look so sweet and beautiful that it took his breath away, torturing him even further. The wind blew wisps of auburn hair about her face as she opened the door. She stood before him, a soft shoulder slipping out from the sweater, long legs crossed in the jeans, a sullen look in her dark eyes. He lost his train of thought and couldn't find words for a long moment.

  "Hi."

  "Hi," she replied flatly.

  Neither of them exuded any hint of emotion, not willing to be the first one to express vulnerability or regret.

  "Can I come in," he requested.

  "Yes, back, Mari," she instructed the dog that had jumped up a few times in excitement.

  Tray automatically patted the dog's head as he walked into the cozy kitchen.

  "Do you want coffee?" she asked him politely.

  "Um, no, thank you."

  They stood opposite one another, just looking at each other. She waited for him to speak.

  "I came over here angry, I had things to say to you, now I don't know where to begin," he admitted.

  "Why were you angry?"

  "Because people have been giving me a hard time, to put it mildly. Looks like everyone in town adores you and thinks I'm a bastard."

  "That's not true. There're plenty of people here who don't trust me, who don't particularly like me and think you deserve better. They gossip about my background, wondering where I came from and what my motives are. Don't worry, as time passes, they won't care about us anymore and you'll go back to being the respected doctor," she said with a touch of sarcasm.

  "Don't comfort me, I probably don't deserve that from you."

  "Fine," she replied as she leaned against the counter, needing its support.

  "Look, we need to put things in perspective, we need to be able to go on with our lives again."

  "I have been going on with my life," she said.

  "Something's not working," he remarked.

  "What do you expect Tray, this level of discomfort isn't going to just disappear in a few weeks or a few months, even I know that. If you're having problems existing without our relationship, that's just too bad. I'm not going to lift your guilt for you or anything else to make you more comfortable."

  "I didn't ask you to and I don't feel guilt," he said quietly.

  "Really, then what do you feel, please tell me because I'd love to know."

  "Hurt, emptiness, pain, distrust," he responded.

  "Join the club, I feel those things too, except I still feel a burning anger in my gut. I'm very angry with you."

  He didn't ask why, fearing the words of condemnation that would come from her.

  "I'm angry that you can't tell who I am. That after all this time and everything we've shared, you still don't trust me, that you can't see I'm not some nut or a manipulator, that our love was real and special and worth something. Was our relationship a constant test, did I have to consistently prove my worthiness to you? Well guess what, I think you're the head case. You're the one who's lost their faith in people, not me. And I know all about Daria's past, you weren't honest enough to tell me about that."

  "It wasn't that I didn't trust you, I thought it might make you leave me, that you wouldn't be able to live with the threat of her coming back and the possibility that someone like her might enter our lives."

  "So it was insecurity. Boy, for someone who has so much going for him, you are screwed up and I don't want to be in a relationship with a man like that. Turns out, I'm too healthy for you. Even if you were able to accept what I told you about myself, I still wouldn't marry you because any substantial bumps arising in our relationship would throw you for a loop. I can see that now. Oh, and about your disgust at my past attempt, it wasn't a ploy or a game; I was homeless, penniless and unable to complete the education I'd been fighting so hard for. Instead of judging me, just thank God you've never been that hopeless.

  Now, if you'd kindly let yourself out. Come on, Mari," she finished strongly, the dog at her heels as she went upstairs and left him standing alone in the kitchen.

  A suffocating lump formed in his throat as a tear slid down the side of his face. He hadn't cried since he was a little kid. He'd never made a mistake of this magnitude before and he couldn't mend it either. She'd thrown him out of her life, just as he'd done to her.

  He turned to walk out and stopped short, noticing an old photo sitting in an antique frame on the window ledge above the kitchen sink. He picked it up and looked at it. It had obviously been taken in the fifties and was of a woman on the beach, smiling young children standing by her shapely legs. Except for the eye color, the woman looked exactly like Kate. He slid the picture out of the frame and read the back of it; To my dearest Jane, this is my favorite photo to remember me by, Love your friend, Katherine from Freedom Nursing Home. He gently placed the picture back where it had been and ventured out into the cruel and bitter winds, knowing he'd been dead wrong.

  Kate was feeling a little better that next week, being able to talk to Tray and release some of her emotions had done her good. It was so incredibly busy at the ranch that she didn't have time to think or feel much of anything. She not only did her farming chores, but also helped Marge and the ladies get ready for the harvest celebration.
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  Firstly, they cleaned and swept out the hay barn, having stored most of the hay in other barns around the ranch except for the bales they'd use for seating and decorating. Long strings of white lights were swagged from the rafters of the barn and wrapped down the beams to the ground. Old glass lanterns and jars with candles in them hung from coarse twine. Bunches of pumpkins, potted mums and cornstalks were arranged in every corner, some on top of hay bales. Smaller displays of orange, yellow and green gourds sat upon the tables. Kate had also made pretty arrangements from dried flowers and grasses to place atop barrels and tables. Molly helped them construct an area for the kids with a fort made out of hay bales. It contained their own tables and chairs inside, big vats for apple bobbing and a safe place where lit jack-o-lanterns would sit grinning at them.

  The place was taking shape. Every woman was already cooking and storing her homemade treats for the big evening. Ladies dropped by the barn continuously, contributing more pumpkins for decorating, buckets of marigolds and tall corn stalks to adorn the outside. Eddie strung orange lights along the outside door, which would sit partially open, to warmly welcome folks in. Marge made sure that all candles were in glass containers standing higher than the candles themselves, so there'd be no chance for fire among all the dried grasses and hay.

  Marge expected about three hundred people, but folks would also mill about outside where there would be more tables and chairs and a small bonfire for warmth, which Eddie was in charge of. He'd keep things under control, as the young adults and teenagers always gravitated towards the bonfire.

  Despite her dismantled personal life, Kate couldn't help but feel excited about the celebration. It was impossible not to be, the barn looked like something out of a movie and it was a coming together of the whole community.

  Kate couldn't wait for the long work hours of harvest time to be over. Her callused hands were sore and her strong back and legs ached. She greatly anticipated being able to sleep a few more hours in the morning. Those couple of hours definitely made a difference. She'd not seen much of Tray at all the past two weeks, except for at a distance. Her heart still jumped and hurt when she saw him, but at least she hadn't broken down and cried like she used to do. She still loved him and probably always would, but her spirit had grown so strong and was so nourished by the good people in her life, she knew she could make it without him.

  Tray had decided to take a good hard look at himself after he'd left Kate's house that day. He'd spent so many years protecting himself that he'd allowed a quiet insecurity to steadily grow within him, not realizing its existence until he fell in love with Kate. He knew he'd been holding back the part of himself that fully allowed him to trust in another human being. He talked to Burt about it the other day and Burt understood, restoring their close friendship. Tray knew he had to change this aspect of his character, not for Kate or any other person, but for himself. Catching glimpses of her as she worked around the ranch, he loved her still and always would. However, if he had to live without her because that was her true desire, then he would. Life always goes on, no matter what, it always does.

  The harvesting was basically done, it had been a good year according to Burt and Marge. They actually turned a profit and would be rewarded for all the hard work, perseverance, and thousands of hours of devotion to the earth's land and animals. The weather hadn't been as severe as usual that year and most of the ranchers had garnered a decent bounty. This only meant one thing, everyone was in the mood to celebrate. For that one weekend, they'd forget about the toils, the heartaches, their sore bodies, waking up early and the ferociously cold winter that lay ahead of them. It was time to enjoy the fruits of their labor, enjoy themselves and celebrate their victory and way of life.

  Marge, her friends and Kate had finished setting up just about everything the day before the celebration. They spent the early part of the actual festival day hauling a few more things up to the barn. Marge advised them all to take it easy the remainder of the day so they wouldn't be so tired that they couldn't have fun later on. Marge, Molly and Kate would go up an hour before the party to light all the candles and plug in the strings of lights.

  Kate was thrilled to be back at her house for some pre-party relaxation. She snuggled on the couch in the cozy living room with a big quilt, Mari at her feet, and napped. For the first time in nearly a month, she slept peacefully.

  It seemed like only ten minutes had passed when Mari's barks awoke her. Someone was knocking loudly at the door. She sleepily got up and walked through the kitchen to answer the back door.

  "I knew you'd never wake up, that's why I came up here to get you," Molly stated excitedly, her cheeks pink from running through the field to Kate's house.

  "What time is it?" Kate asked her with a yawn.

  "Five o'clock, you've got about an hour to get ready, then you gotta meet us at the barn to finish setting up. People will be there by seven."

  "All right, I'll be there. Do you want a ride home?"

  "No, it's only a five minute run, besides, Mama likes when I get my energy out," she laughed as she spun around, jumped out the door and took off back to her house.

  "Time to get ready, Mari," she said to the dog, patting her on the head as she plodded upstairs to the shower.

  Kate wanted to look nice, for her own satisfaction. Most or all of the town would be there and it would be a special evening. She was excited to see how beautiful everything would look. She didn't know for sure if Tray would be there, but she pushed any thoughts about him out of her mind. She was determined to have a good time.

  She finished drying the shiny hair that waved in auburn layers down her back, some bangs lightly resting against her forehead. Her hair had grown longer than usual because she hadn't taken the time to go into town for a trim. Besides, she'd heard the barber dropped out of his AA meetings again and didn't want to take a chance on ending up with a bald spot like Mrs. McKinley's.

  She picked out a long chocolate brown, slimming velvet jumper and a white ribbed turtleneck for underneath. She wore copper earrings and a thick copper bracelet, all complimenting her coloring and hair. Lastly, she pulled on matching brown leather boots and looked very attractive but not too dressy. These folks were not the fussy type.

  The dog pranced about her feet, sensing that Kate was going to venture somewhere without her.

  "I'm sorry, Mari, I can't take you with me," she told the animal, caressing her velvety ears. "But I'll be back, girl, I'll be back."

  Kate threw on a jacket and was out the door.

  "Hello, Kate," the women who were doing some last minute helping called out as she walked into the barn. "Don't you look pretty," they complimented her.

  "She looks downright beautiful," Marge contributed.

  "Thank you, and so do all of you," Kate smiled.

  The women did look smart in their attractive sweaters, skirts or long pants of winter fabrics; wools and corduroys, heavy cottons and chenilles, all in fall colors. Their cheeks were ruddy pink and they each had their hair done nicely, features accented by a touch of makeup; things they didn't typically worry or bother about doing.

  Kate, Molly and her girlfriends were assigned to lighting the candles in the kid's area and having all their foods and punch ready. The others did the same in the adult sections. Nervously rushing around, an hour had passed quickly and people would be arriving soon.

  "Let's hope these all work," Marge exclaimed loudly as she stood by the main connection for the lights, silence falling over them as they waited.

  She took a deep breath and flipped the switch, sending hundreds of little lights into sparkling brilliance. It was glorious, more spectacular than anything Kate had ever seen before. This simple barn was now a stunning display. More magnificent than the grandest opera house or elaborate structure; it was bright with love and warmth. The ladies smiled proudly at one another, declaring this was their best work yet. They congratulated each other just as trucks began pulling up and parking all over the ranch.
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  The silence of a moment ago was now filled with oohs and aahs as the entering guests took view of the barn, then erupted into conversation and laughter. Kate greeted the many people she'd come to know and chatted pleasantly. Molly's friends tugged at Kate's hands, begging her to sit and play with them. She obliged by going back and forth between kids and adults, helping the children with the apple bobbing and supervising their activities. This routine would keep her busy.

  Someone grabbed her from behind. She turned around to see Eddie grinning at her, Lisa proudly on his arm. She kissed both of them on the cheek.

  "Lisa's got something she wants to show you, Kate," he spoke above the clamor.

  Lisa held out her hand to reveal a pretty diamond engagement ring.

  "Oh wow, congratulations, I'm so happy for you both," Kate smiled as they embraced.

  "Thank you, I'm happy too," Eddie beamed, at a loss for words.

  "Me too, I can't wait to marry this guy," Lisa replied, looking at him adoringly. "But that's not all, Kate, I was hoping you'd be my maid of honor. You were instrumental in getting the two of us together and you've been a good friend to me..."

  "I'd be truly honored."

  "That's great, thank you. We'll have to talk about it later," Lisa told her as a crowd of people gathered around the newly engaged couple.

  Kate stood back against the wall and unobtrusively watched them, their faces glowing as they were so obviously in love. She was incredibly happy for them. Eddie was a terrific guy and deserved this. Her eyes drifted, settling upon a man's handsome face and tall figure. Tray stood at the far end of the barn, talking to his male friends. That familiar ache went through her body again, she pushed her shoulders back and continued to stand tall. She tried to pull her gaze away from him, but it was hard. She saw various women approach him, saw him smile and that was too much for her to bear. She averted her eyes just as his gaze had found her. He saw her turn her head and walk away.

  Tray didn't want to make silly conversation; he didn't want to talk about himself or his work or concoct little jokes in an effort to be charming. He didn't want any of it. So he smiled politely at the women vying for his attention, said a few words, mostly nodded his head as they chattered on, but didn't really listen to a word they said. An intense pain shot through his chest as he caught Kate's black eyes for less than a second, the auburn hair, her body turning away, so far away from him...