Worthy of Love

by Carly Phillips

  She disagreed, because much of Kevin’s present dissatisfaction with life, in Nikki’s opinion, stemmed from leaving a job he loved. One he was good at. One he’d walked away from thanks to the misguided notion that he was responsible for Tony’s death. She’d thought he wasn’t ready to deal with the past, but maybe she was wrong.

  She glanced at the bag in his hand and sighed. Yet another thing for Janine to cope with. Nikki stepped back to let him pass. His masculine scent overpowered her senses, but not her reason. She hadn’t forgotten Kevin’s abrupt dismissal earlier or all it signified for their future.

  Or lack of one.

  “Whatever you say. Listen, Janine really isn’t up to tackling Tony’s work stuff right now. The bedroom’s full of piles of things that the Salvation Army’s supposed to pick up and she’s really hurting.”

  “I don’t doubt it.” His eyes filled with compassion and emotion for Janine.

  Nikki understood him enough to know he was also blaming himself for his role in her sister-in-law’s pain. But she knew better than to reach out to him. She’d been slapped down before.

  She grabbed for the bag Kevin carried and glanced inside. Tony’s uniform—the one he’d worn the night of the shooting—had finally been released by the police. “Can you take it home and I’ll bring it back later in the week?” she asked, thinking of how upset Janine had been minutes earlier. “She can get to this last, after she’s dealt with everything else.”

  He hesitated. “Are you sure?”

  Nikki nodded. “She’s a wreck in there.”

  “Okay then. I trust your judgment.” He took the bag out of her hands.

  “How’s Max?” she asked, unable to help herself.

  “Sober right now. But he’s not in pain either, and that means he’ll probably drink again.”

  She nodded. “Is he working?”

  “He must be, because he has the money for alcohol. He’s not getting it from me since I’m paying his rent directly to the landlord.”

  Enabling his father. Taking responsibility when it wasn’t his to take. “Did you read the literature I gave you?” she asked.

  “I appreciate the effort you made, but unless Max wants to be helped, there’s nothing I can do.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Suit yourself.” She didn’t ask if he wanted to be helped. He’d have to come to that conclusion on his own. She’d obviously done all she could toward guiding Kevin in the right direction. Toward family. She couldn’t make him take those final steps there.

  She pointed toward the bedroom. “I really should get back to Janine.”

  “I can let myself out.”

  She turned and headed for the bedroom, unwilling to spend another moment looking into Kevin’s dark eyes and wishing for things that couldn’t be.

  “I’ll see you at home.”

  Nikki turned. Taking a deep breath, she drew on all her reserve strength. “Don’t wait up,” she said and shut the bedroom door behind her.

  She had no intention of going back until after dark, after Kevin was in bed, after he’d gone to sleep. She couldn’t handle him turning to her in bed. Not after he’d turned her out of his life.

  * * *

  Muffled voices sounded from the other room. Kevin paced the floor of Janine’s apartment and wondered how the hell he’d managed to screw up the only good thing to happen to him in this lifetime.

  Instead of leaving, he sat down on the couch. The papers Nikki had given him were bulky in his pocket, and he removed them, unfolding them and giving them a cursory glance. A substance abuse program was only as strong as the person joining it, and to date, Max had shown no inclination to sober up for good.

  Despite himself, the literature was interesting reading. Leave it to Nikki to dig up information not only for the alcoholic, but for their families. He figured she was trying to tell him something.

  Stretching out his feet, he glanced back toward the closed bedroom door. Tony was gone. Janine was on her way. Max wasn’t a positive part of his life. Nikki was right—she was all he had left. He could work on keeping her there—or lose her for good.

  The solitary life he’d chosen no longer held great appeal. Hell, most of his life no longer satisfied him. Three months ago he’d have said he didn’t care whether or not he was happy as long as the people he cared about were safe; that had changed.

  He hadn’t drifted by the police station to talk to O’Neill because he’d referred him some clients. The telephone would have sufficed for that. Once again, Nikki was right. His trip there was a big deal. Kevin wanted more than eating, sleeping and breathing. He was coming out of the coma he’d been in since Tony was killed. Because of Nikki.

  But he had a long way to go before he could thank her, or try to bring her completely into his life. He rose to his feet glancing back at the closed bedroom door. He realized he was taking a risk by continuing to shut her out, but the urge to protect her remained. Checking the address on the pamphlets, he folded the papers and shoved them into his back pocket.

  But until he was certain he could offer her everything she wanted, everything she deserved, he was better off not getting her hopes up.

  After all, hadn’t he let her down before?

  * * *

  Nikki slipped into the house quietly and shut the door behind her. The silence told her she’d stalled long enough and Kevin was asleep. She just wished she and Janine had finished their painful task today, but there were more of Tony’s things to go through. The lingering and the memories had taken up more time than they’d planned.

  She tiptoed into the family room. For the first time since her marriage less than a week ago, she would sleep alone in her old bed. The notion chilled her and she hoped it wasn’t a foreshadowing of her future.

  She reached the middle of the floor when the room flooded with light. She let out a startled scream and jumped back, her heart pounding hard in her chest.

  “I suppose I should be grateful you came home at all.”

  She pivoted toward Kevin’s angry voice. “Of course I came home. I live here.”

  He leaned against the wall, looking forbidding and furious. A muscle ticked in his jaw as he studied her through narrowed eyes. But her gaze was drawn to the rest of him, to the jeans that rode low on his hips and muscles rippling along his bare chest. She tried to swallow but her mouth had grown dry. She didn’t stand a chance against him if she couldn’t control her physical reactions.

  “You could have called. Or didn’t it occur to you that I’d be worried?” he asked.

  “Of course it occurred to me. Protecting is your favorite pastime.”

  “You make it sound like that’s a bad thing.”

  “Maybe because it is.” Nikki drew a deep breath. She hadn’t consciously planned an argument, but what did she expect when she’d deliberately stayed out until midnight? Perhaps they needed to clear the air, since she couldn’t live with the pent-up anger any longer.

  He stepped into the room. “Care to explain? I’m concerned about you and my child, and there’s something wrong with that?” he asked. Then he took another step closer.

  Nikki’s breath caught in her throat. Anticipation and adrenaline flooded her veins. Yes, perhaps this argument was exactly what they needed for her to regain control of her senses and of her life.

  She’d tiptoed around Kevin for too long. “What you feel is beyond concern. It’s control.”

  His dark eyes glittered dangerously and she knew she was treading on sensitive ground. She’d never goaded him before, never pushed an argument to the point where he released his emotions. Apparently it was time for that, too.

  “I don’t want to control you, Nikki.”

  “You want to control situations. Same difference.”

  He grabbed her shoulders in a touch that, considering the emotions flowing between them, should have been rough but was exceedingly gentle. “I want to keep you safe.”

  She met his gaze head-on. “And you can’t always guara
ntee that, even if you’re by my side twenty-four hours a day!” She practically yelled in frustration. “You aren’t responsible for fate.”

  “No, but I can make sure I’m there just in case.” And then Kevin lowered his mouth to hers, forestalling any more arguing.

  He was warm and she relished his touch, reveled in his scent. Although she couldn’t turn him away, she wasn’t ready to give in return. She didn’t resist him; she needed the simplicity of the contact too much. And that’s how he kept things between them—simple, as he nibbled and licked at the seam of her lips with his tongue. If he was intent on seducing her into submission, he was well on his way. Only the knowledge that he used sex to seduce himself into oblivion gave her the ability to remain strong. To think instead of cave.

  And when she let him inside, for the first time, the intimacy nearly made her lose her resolve. Just a few more seconds, she promised herself, as his tongue swirled and tangled with hers. She gripped his forearms, her nails digging into his skin.

  He exhaled a groan and slipped beneath her flowing shirt and dipped lower, to cup her behind and pull her tight against his rigid length. Liquid heat poured from her, sizzling fire burned in her veins. Why was this so perfect, when everything else between them was such a mess?

  “Damn, but you feel good. Do you know what you do to me?” he muttered.

  “Exactly because you do the same to me.” She tipped her head backward forcing herself to look into his taut face, and forcing him to meet her gaze. His eyes were clouded with raw desire.

  She could never resist him when he was like this, but tonight she had no choice. “Sex isn’t the answer to our problems,” she told him.

  “We’re here, we’re together, and we’re having a baby.” His hand splayed over the light swell of her stomach.

  His touch branded her. A silly, belated notion, considering he’d already done so by giving her his child.

  “Forget any problems for now.”

  She shook her head, fighting his magnetic pull, fighting the lure of the future. “I wish I could.” But if he couldn’t give her anything besides great sex, they had no future.

  She met his gaze, silently begging him with everything inside her to hear, and understand. “You can’t base a lifetime on sex—no matter how good it is.” And sex with Kevin was always good. Her heart beat loud and hard against her chest while her body throbbed in time to the steady rhythm, attesting to that particular truth.

  He grabbed for her hand. “It’s a start.”

  Was it her imagination or did his words sound like a plea for understanding? But she couldn’t sleep with him and not have her emotional needs fulfilled, too.

  “I thought so, too. But no more.” She lifted her arms to his shoulders and pushed him away. He let her, backing off because she’d asked. Ironically, a part of her wished he’d press the issue and not allow her to withdraw so easily.

  Her wish went unanswered and a chill washed over her as he placed emotional and physical distance between them.

  “Go ahead. Get some sleep,” he said in a rough voice. “It’s late.” He gestured toward her room—the guest room on the other side of the house. Far from his bedroom. Far from him.

  She’d been hoping he’d understand everything she’d said tonight, and realized she’d been wishing for the impossible. Disappointment filled her—disappointment in him for his unwillingness to try and disappointment in herself for caring so much that he’d let her down.

  She started for her room, and when she felt his burning gaze on her back, she turned around. “Kevin…”

  “What?”

  “I just want you to know I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow. I’ll be back sometime after dinner.” She’d finally heard back from her guidance counselor. He had numerous options to discuss, and Nikki had convinced Janine to drive her back up to school to work out an arrangement that would enable her to graduate. Then maybe she’d find a private position that had some kind of day care.

  She braced herself for the inevitable argument. Instead he merely shrugged his shoulders. “Suit yourself. You will anyway.”

  If she could close the distance between them, she’d do it in a heartbeat. But the next move wasn’t hers to make.

  THIRTEEN

  Kevin pulled into the parking lot to Dr. Molloy’s private office and shifted the gearshift to park. “This is standard?” he asked Nikki.

  “For the fifth time, yes. It’s my monthly appointment.”

  “And you’re feeling okay?” He’d been so wrapped up in himself and Max lately that Nikki’s health had taken a backseat.

  “Perfectly fine. If I wasn’t, you’d have heard about it. We live in the same house, after all.”

  But they barely communicated. Funny how he’d miss something he’d never really had. Nikki was sleeping beside him, but not with him. He sensed, in his gut, that the next move was his; but, damned if he knew how to make it or bridge the gap that was of his own making. He didn’t let her into his life, so she didn’t let him into her body. Somehow it didn’t seem like a fair exchange.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  She nodded and minutes later, they were ushered into a small but modern-looking room. Immaculately clean and antiseptic-smelling, the examining room was a far cry from the dilapidated one downtown. And though Nikki got the same care from the same doctor, he couldn’t help but be grateful she’d given in on this point and allowed him to foot the bill for private practice. At least he could feel like he was taking care of his family in a way that counted.

  His family. Before he could process that thought, the door opened and Dr. Molloy entered.

  She glanced at Nikki. “It’s good to see you again, Nicole.” Then she turned toward Kevin. “Mr. Manning. I’m glad to see you two have worked things out.”

  “I’d be foolish to turn down good medical care, Dr. Molloy.” Nikki smiled, but Kevin wasn’t fooled by her affable demeanor. As a general rule, she barely said two words to him without him prompting her first. This morning’s “I have a doctor appointment at noon, remember?” was the longest sentence to pass from her lips.

  He hadn’t forgotten, but he was grateful she’d included him on her own. Otherwise he’d have to resort to caveman tactics again, and he didn’t relish another scene in front of the good doctor.

  “Well, I wasn’t talking about using my private practice instead of the clinic,” she said wryly. “But I think you made a wise decision. Now let’s get started. Nikki, since this is a routine monthly visit, you don’t need to undress. Just let me see that stomach and you’ll be out of here before you know it.”

  Kevin watched as the doctor readied a small machine. With barely a glance in his direction, Nikki lifted her shirt to reveal her pale, rounded stomach.

  He walked around to the side of the examining table and reached for her hand. Her protest was minimal—a slight resistant tug against his hand, but when he refused to release her, she stilled.

  “Everything okay?” Dr. Molloy asked her. “Any unusual symptoms, questions?”

  Nikki shook her head. “Everything’s been fine lately.”

  “Nausea’s gone?”

  “Yes, thank goodness.”

  The doctor glanced at the chart. “You’ve gained two pounds. That’s good considering you’re merely putting back on what you lost during the first trimester.” She shook a white bottle in her hand. “This might be cold,” she warned, before squeezing the gel onto Nikki’s exposed skin.

  He watched, mesmerized by the sight of her flesh, by the knowledge that his baby lay growing inside her.

  “Now I’m going to listen for this little guy’s—or girl’s—heartbeat. Ready?” she asked, then began rolling what appeared to be a rectangular-shaped instrument over the gel coating Nikki’s stomach.

  Without warning, a strong and steady sound reverberated throughout the room. “Hear that?” Dr. Molloy glanced up and met his gaze, a wide smile on her face.

  He had the distinct sense that no m
atter how many times a day she heard the sound, Dr. Molloy got as big a kick out of the sound as her patients and their respective spouses. He listened in awe. Everything else in the room faded until only the combination of a whooshing noise and the distinct thump of his baby’s heartbeat remained.

  “That’s… him?” Nikki asked, breaking into his concentration.

  The doctor nodded. “Or her. Have you two discussed whether or not you want to know the baby’s sex ahead of time?”

  Sex. A boy or a girl. No longer an indistinct blur on a monitor screen, the whooshing sound confirmed what he already knew. They’d created a life. Together. Pride and many other emotions swelled in his chest and clogged his throat until he could barely swallow, let alone breathe.

  “Knowing the baby’s sex.” Nikki’s voice cracked as she spoke. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.” She rolled her head to the side and met his gaze. For the first time in two days, Nikki’s emotions were raw and visible for him to see.

  He understood because for perhaps the first time in his life, his were just as exposed. And he wasn’t as uncomfortable as he’d imagined he’d be.

  “What do you think, Kevin?” Nikki asked, obviously referring to the baby’s sex.

  He’d given a lot of thought to her accusations of control the other night and much as he’d have liked to turn a deaf ear, he couldn’t ignore the truth. Or the fact that the controlling part of his nature was likely to drive her away and distance him from his child. He’d resolved to tread lightly or at least attempt to talk himself out of the burning need to hold the reins on everyone and everything around him.

  The doctor had given him his first opportunity to back off and give Nikki space. Hoping to let her know he’d go along with whatever she wanted, he gave her hand a brief squeeze.

  He glanced at Dr. Molloy. “Whatever Nikki wants is fine with me.”

  He didn’t expect her to squeeze his hand back, or hang on even tighter, but she did. The lump in his throat grew larger. What he and Nikki shared, could share, was rare. He’d be a fool to lose it.

  He’d truly be his father’s son if he let it go without a fight.