Worthy of Love

by Carly Phillips

  Max stood, shock rendering him mute. Kevin had never been this adamant before, and Max knew it. So did Kevin. Max also knew there were other people at stake now.

  Knowing he had only one thing left to say, and knowing it was Max’s only hope, he handed him the pamphlets and papers Nikki had given him on treatment programs for alcoholics. “Take this. Consider it my parting gift,” Kevin said. “Read it and think about it. But don’t call me or come looking for me unless you’ve cleaned up.” Kevin started to leave, Max’s curses and words following him out the door.

  “Bring a kid into this world and look at the thanks I get. You’ll remember this day when your kid turns its back on you.”

  He gripped the doorknob with sweaty palms. “With a lot of effort, I hope that won’t happen.”

  “What goes around comes around, sonny. And remember, when you look in the mirror, you’re just like me.”

  “That remains to be seen,” Kevin muttered. He turned back once more. “You’ve got a family waiting—if you want one,” he said to his father, then shut the door behind him.

  Half an hour later, Kevin pulled up to the precinct. He might as well face all his demons at one time. If he wanted his job back, he had to ask.

  But, first, he had to face why he’d walked out on it in the first place. Tony’s death and fear. Fear of being responsible for and to another human being. A job as a security consultant left him responsible for property, something he could handle, though it left him cold and empty and unfulfilled.

  He glanced at the black and white patrol cars lining the street. Was he ready to ride in one again? To back up a partner? To be responsible?

  And remember, when you look in the mirror, you’re just like me.

  Kevin stepped out of the car. “I’m nothing like you, Max.” And as he spoke the words, he knew for the first time that he spoke the truth.

  The differences between Kevin and Max were more glaring than the similarities. While Max cared for nothing but himself and his next drink, Kevin was the opposite. If anything, he cared too much. Which was why he’d left a job he loved—because he’d failed his responsibilities and couldn’t live with the fear that he was like Max, no good at caring for anyone but himself.

  He’d live with Tony’s death for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t accept full responsibility any longer, nor could he let it run his life. Tony wouldn’t have wanted him to eat, sleep and breathe guilt. Neither did those Tony had loved.

  Like Nikki.

  He loved her, but instead of showing her, he’d driven her away. All because he’d been too focused on his shortcomings and not on his potential. Because he’d been too busy trying to be responsible in a backward way that hurt, not helping everyone involved.

  As he headed up the steps, Kevin shook off the memory of his father’s bloodshot eyes as he spouted the Manning prophecy. He entered the precinct feeling lighter than he had in months, maybe years. Just believing in himself and the future made a huge difference in attitude.

  Even if the future was more uncertain than ever.

  * * *

  The bathroom door opened wide and Janine walked out, eyes red and faced washed clean of makeup. Nikki understood. She was feeling pretty wiped out herself.

  “Do you think Kevin knew Tony had been written up that many times? That he’d received the last one the same day he was killed?”

  Nikki shrugged. “Did you know?”

  Janine shook her head. “Nothing official. If you’d asked me, I could have guessed. I know he’d been orally reprimanded. The guys would joke about it over dinner. But it never bothered either one because Kevin had always backed Tony up and been able to anticipate his renegade moves.”

  “Riggs and Murtaugh,” Nikki said laughing, recalling Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon movies.

  “It was funny,” Janine agreed. “Until it got him killed. Why didn’t he think of me before he ran off half-cocked?” Janine rubbed her hands over her eyes.

  Nikki nodded, barely able to draw a breath, let alone formulate a response. “I don’t know the answer to that any more than I understand why Kevin still blames himself for that night.”

  “Well, we’re finished here,” Janine said. “The Salvation Army will be here in an hour for the rest of the things, the landlord rented the apartment with most of the furnishings…”

  “And you want to be alone.” It wasn’t a difficult guess. “Since your flight is tomorrow night, can I see you to say good-bye?”

  Janine nodded. “Kevin invited me to come by.”

  “Of course he did.” He just hadn’t mentioned it to her. She fingered the paper in her hand and gestured to the rest of the papers unraveled on the bed. “Do you mind if I take these?”

  “Not at all. You want to show them to Kevin?”

  “Yeah,” she whispered. “I do.” She didn’t think it would change anything, but he deserved to know. Deserved to be relieved of one huge responsibility with which he’d saddled himself.

  And after, she’d let him know she planned to finish school and find a job, maybe he’d be twice as relieved. Because soon after, he could be relieved of her as well.

  * * *

  Kevin sat on the couch, listening to the sounds of the night. He wasn’t surprised Nikki had chosen to stay late at Janine’s. It seemed to be a habit with her these days, without calling or without texting, and then her crawling into their bed after she thought he was asleep. But not tonight.

  Tonight, she needed to listen to what he had to say. To know he was making an effort to do as she asked and give her the family she wanted, by learning how to separate himself from his past. Opening himself up to her wouldn’t be easy. He wasn’t sure he was prepared. But by the time she walked into the house, he was ready.

  “Hi.” She put her keys onto a small table and looked at him, questions in her eyes. “What are you doing up?”

  “Waiting for you.”

  “Oh.” She bit down on her lower lip. “How come?”

  “I wanted to talk.” He patted the cushion beside him. “Have a seat?”

  She nodded. “Because I needed to talk to you, too.” She sat down beside him. The scent he’d come to associate with Nikki—with this house—permeated the air, wrapped around him.

  Without prompting, she drew closer and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt good—beyond sexually arousing him, she lifted his spirits and lightened the burden that was his life.

  For that, he owed her. “You said you wanted to talk. Ladies first.”

  She didn’t argue the point, another odd sign. Instead, she pushed herself away, setting distance between them. Distance he hadn’t wanted.

  She curled her legs beneath her so that her baggy shirt draped over her knees. “It’s about the night Tony was killed.”

  All the air left his lungs in a mad rush, while everything inside him froze. Not that he’d put it behind him. He lived with the reality every day of his life. Just looking into Nikki’s eyes on a daily basis reminded him of his failures, and his similarities to his father. He could change his reactions to his father’s behavior, but he couldn’t change heredity.

  “Could you replay that night for me?” she asked. “Please?”

  He’d relived that night to the department’s satisfaction only because he, too, had violated procedure by checking on Max while on duty, and because he wanted official closure on Tony’s death. But he hadn’t opened up for the shrink his boss had suggested he see, nor did he want to start now. His nightmares and daily living were enough of a replay for him.

  “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important,” she said.

  This was Nikki asking him to open up and hadn’t he just said he owed her? He had no choice but to give her what she asked for. “We were on duty, but it was quiet. And for a change I needed to pick up after Max.”

  Silence pulsed thick around them. She obviously respected his need to do this his way. But as he spoke, all the responsibility and guilt he’d been trying
to let go came flooding back. “I was violating procedure, but neither of us mentioned it. Tony understood. He knew all about Max.”

  Which was more than Nikki could say, she thought. Until he’d had no choice but to enlighten her, she knew nothing about his alcoholic parent or his childhood. To be fair though, she shouldn’t have expected him to open up to her. He hadn’t shared her dreams of happily ever after, even after forever had been thrust upon him.

  “Max’s landlord had called. He hadn’t seen him in over twenty-four hours, and with Max, silence is as much trouble as his harassment. I went inside, alone, while Tony waited in the car.” He clenched and unclenched his fists. “It was supposed to be a quick check. My radio relayed a nine-one-one call and I ran for the car. Tony was supposed to wait.”

  “But he didn’t.”

  “No. I came outside and he was gone. By the time I caught up with him…”

  He didn’t have to finish his sentence. They both knew how it ended. “And you blame yourself.”

  “Of course. I had no business being with Max while I was on duty. Add to that, I should have known that if Tony got a call, he’d take off—with me or without me.”

  Bingo, Nikki thought. “So it’s your fault my brother was a renegade cop?”

  “It’s my fault I wasn’t there to back him up. The reason Tony and I worked so well together was because we anticipated each other’s every move. I was always able to second-guess him before he got himself in trouble. Until I was distracted by Max.”

  “So you think you blew it. Let Tony down.”

  He nodded. “I let all of you down. Tony, you, Janine—in the worst possible way. I let myself get distracted and I didn’t take care of what counted. I proved my father’s prophecy right… What the hell are we talking about this for?” he asked suddenly.

  Before he could jump from the couch, Nikki grabbed for his hand. “What prophecy?” she asked.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “I think it’s something or else you wouldn’t be carrying it around with you. So spill.”

  Kevin met her gaze with a steely one of his own. “When did you become a bossy thing?” he asked.

  “I’ve always been one. You just haven’t paid attention. Now answer the question.”

  “Max believes Mannings aren’t good at taking care of anyone but themselves.”

  She’d heard that before and rolled her eyes.

  “It’s true in his case, and haven’t I been proving that lately? First Tony, then sleeping with you, getting you pregnant…”

  She blinked, stunned by his logic and hurt by his words. Although she realized he hadn’t meant to wound her, he certainly had.

  He’d also given her a perfect opening for both things she had to say. “Well, I can relieve you of some of that misplaced guilt. Janine was going through Tony’s personal effects from work. Did you know he’d been officially reprimanded many times for failure to follow procedure?” She reached into her bag and pulled out the stack of papers. “The latest one was given on the morning of the day he was killed.”

  He folded his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t privy to anything in his private files.”

  She waved the papers in front of his face, frustrated that she hadn’t cracked the stoic but self-deprecating façade he presented. “Don’t you understand what these mean? They absolve you of responsibility. Tony was my brother and I loved him, but he was a loose cannon and responsible for his own death. You two chose to stop by Max’s together, but he chose to go off without you.”

  She placed the papers in his lap. “There’s one more thing,” she said, when he remained silent. “I went to speak to my advisor at the university,” she told him. “There’s no way I can complete my student teaching next year. My November due date won’t allow me to do it in the fall, and for the first six months I don’t intend to leave the baby, so the spring’s shot.”

  Because her child’s welfare was of paramount importance, she’d come to terms with the fact that she’d have to rely on Kevin’s good will and financial support. No matter that she didn’t want to burden him with a marriage that wasn’t working, she forced herself to accept that he’d helped place her in this position, so she had no choice but to accept his help for his child.

  He leaned closer. “I wasn’t aware you were considering going back to school. I think…”

  She didn’t want to hear his opinion on her decisions. “Just hear me out. My advisor’s given me a reference. I’m going to do tutoring at some of the local elementary schools and then I plan to apply for a part-time job starting next January, when the baby’s a few months old. That way, I can keep the baby with me and still work…”

  “Whoa.” He held up his hand. “What’s all this about? I thought you planned on taking it easy until the baby was born.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Really? When did I say that? I hadn’t planned on taking it easy at all, until the baby’s welfare was at stake. So I quit and we got married, all for the same reasons. But when did I ever say I’d take it easy? As a matter of fact, when did I ever discuss my future plans with you at all?”

  “You didn’t.”

  But she’d wanted to. Beyond making love, though, there hadn’t been all that many times when they’d relaxed enough for her to open up with her dreams.

  “But you wanted to. You still do.”

  She folded her arms over her own chest and met his gaze. “Yes, I did. I do.” Nikki held her breath. She’d thrown down the gauntlet. All that remained was for him to take—or reject it.

  Silence greeted her. Nikki was done with this conversation. She’d opened herself up and gave him the perfect opportunity to ask her about her dreams, her thoughts and yet he said nothing.

  She rose to her feet “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie in that bed and pretend to be your wife. I can’t make love to you knowing that during the day that connection between us crumbles because you let it. Sex just isn’t enough to base a lifetime on.” Her hands shook but she had no pockets in which to shove her fists, no means of hiding her trembling. Or pain.

  He stood up beside her. “You’re leaving me?”

  She shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that. I married you, for better or for worse. You gave our baby a name, you gave me the money to provide our child with a decent start in life. I owe you for that.”

  “I don’t want your loyalty.”

  “And I don’t want to be just an obligation to you, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?” Shaking off the pain, at least the pain that showed, Nikki forced her voice to remain steady. “I think it’s best if I move back to my old room.”

  * * *

  Kevin shouldn’t have let her move into her old room but he needed to think over what she said. Not long, just enough time to process the fact that she’d been planning a whole future without including him… and he’d driven her to it. Now he lay alone in his bed. He had slept by himself for over thirty years and this was the first time he’d truly felt alone. Nikki hadn’t just gone to sleep in a separate room; she’d taken steps to create a life separate from his. He wasn’t a fool. Necessity had been the only thing that had brought her into his life and into his home. Given a choice, she’d still be in school. Given a choice, she wouldn’t be saddled with his child.

  So he wasn’t surprised she’d planned ahead. That streak of independence and ability to survive had served her well once before. It was just one of her many traits he admired, one of the many facets of Nikki that attracted him.

  Yet the very traits he admired, were the ones destined to draw her away, if he allowed it. He wouldn’t. He’d give Nikki a bit of time to cool down, let her have some space. He’d give her some time just like she gave him. But soon, he was getting her back in his bed where she belonged.

  * * *

  “And you’ll keep in touch.”

  Kevin watched as Nikki hugged Janine. In her voice and her gestures, he could feel her reluctance to let go. Janine was her last link to Tony and pr
obably the one person who didn’t make her feel so alone.

  “You know I will. And once we’ve had these kids, and as soon as you can travel, I expect that husband of yours to bring you all out west to visit.” Janine’s gaze met his.

  “I think I can handle that,” he said wryly.

  Nikki turned, tears in her eyes. “You know I’m going to hold you to that promise,” she told him.

  He nodded. At least that was one promise he knew he could keep.

  Janine glanced at Nikki. “Can I have a word alone with Kevin?” she asked. “It’s not that you…”

  “You don’t have to explain,” Nikki said. “I’ll be in my room when you’re done. Don’t you dare leave without a last good-bye.”

  When she’d walked out of the room and the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor trailed off, Janine glanced over. “Want to sit?”

  “Might as well. I always do better sitting when I’m being lectured,” he said with a grin. He hadn’t realized how much he would miss Janine until this moment. “I’m going to be lost without you telling me what to do.”

  She lowered herself into one of the kitchen chairs and he sat beside her. “That is such a line. But I’ll miss you, too.”

  Resting his chin on his hands, he met her gaze. “You really don’t blame me, do you?”

  She shook her head. “I never did. But I will blame you if you screw this marriage up. Don’t you know a good thing when you see it?” she asked. She grabbed for his hand and clasped it tight. “Life’s too short to waste a minute of it. I don’t care how old or tired that cliché is, look at me and Tony and you’ll know it’s true.”

  He squeezed her hand back. “It shouldn’t have happened,” he said, thinking of Tony.

  “No, but it did. Learn from it,” she urged him.

  He planned to. “Take care of yourself and that baby you’re carrying. And if you need anything, and I mean anything, you pick up the phone. Okay?”

  She nodded, then rose to her feet and grabbed him in a hug made awkward by the size of her stomach. Nikki would be that big one day soon and he wanted the right to hug her anytime he pleased. The thought came to him out of the blue, and remained.